The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Florida Wins Government Bid to Become Mass Grave

Posted on July 17, 2020 by Ben Friedman

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced today that his state has won a federal contract to become the nation’s largest mass grave, thanks in part to his grossly inept COVID-19 pandemic response.

“The great state of Florida will soon become the biggest mass grave in the country, and possibly the world. This contract will be a huge boon for our economy… at least for whoever is left after the pandemic is over,” said DeSantis from his virus-proof underground bunker. “At the rate COVID-19 has spread, I’m sure you can imagine how many resources are needed to dig holes deep and wide enough to fit thousands of bodies at a time. Hell, the billboard-sized grave markers to list all the dead will create 2,000 jobs alone.”

The U.S. Department of Commerce, which proposed the contract earlier this month, did not expect to see such fierce competition for the bid but was unsurprised that Florida came out on top.

“It was a three-way tie between Florida, Arizona, and Texas for a few weeks there. But the bid clearly stated that the contract would only be awarded to the state with the most criminally negligent pandemic response, in addition to having a majority of its constituents possessing a blatant disregard for their own well-being,” said White House representative Mike Gordon. “Once Texas required masks in public and Arizona proactively ordered morgue trucks on standby, Florida emerged as the clear winner. Now COVID can run its course while simultaneously reinvigorating the job market for the very few projected survivors.”

Florida residents are excited by the winning the bid, seeing it as a path to economic recovery.

“Yeah, it sucked watching my dad’s funeral over Zoom last week, but this contract almost makes up for it — I’ve been out of work for nine weeks, and I’ve been itching to get back in the seat of some heavy machinery. I saw they’re looking to hire guys to operate those giant fucking mining saws to dig the graves deep enough. How badass is that?” said Jacksonville resident Earl Watson. “I’ll finally be able to buy that jet ski I’ve had my eye on. Hell, I’ll buy one for my brother too, if he makes it out of the ICU.”

Since the announcement, Disney World and Universal Studios have reportedly submitted bids for a lucrative subcontract to turn one of the theme parks into a giant crematorium.

Guy Who’s Really Good at Landing Mario’s Forward Smash Can’t Possibly Have Hurt All Those People

Posted on July 16, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

SAN DIEGO — Fans of professional Smash Bros. player and alleged sexual predator ‘K1ra’ have reported widespread feelings of disbelief that someone so capable with Mario’s moveset could ever harm anyone.

“I just can’t believe K1ra could ever do something like these people are saying,” said one superfan. “Just like I couldn’t believe when he three-stocked that Joker player back in 2019! It was nuts, dude. I almost consider him a friend.”

Allegations against K1ra were aggregated into a Reddit post detailing the accounts of various victims, many of whom were underage at the time. To refute their claims, K1ra fans posted footage of him restarting a match when his opponent’s controller malfunctioned. “Now that’s a role model for kids,” one commenter posited.

“K1ra is a perfect gentleman when it comes to women,” said Smash Bros. commentator Con_Aire, who also spoke highly of the player’s character, describing an instance at one convention where he witnessed K1ra taking a girl back to his hotel room to privately show her how to play better. When asked to elaborate, Con_Aire refused to comment further and posted a YouTube video titled “K1ra Mario 4 Stocks HYPE Compilation”.

To step in front of the accusations being levied against him, K1ra has released a monetized response video titled ‘My Apology.’

“I want to thank my fans, who enable me to do all the things I’ve ever wanted to do and more,” K1ra said. “And to Sarah, I am sorry that you feel as if I’ve wronged you. But your post says I met you when you were 15, even though you would have been 16 by the time of EVO 2017. Sounds like there are some holes in your story. To the others… I’ll uh, get back to you.”

Meanwhile, hundreds of fans have bought plane tickets in order to watch K1ra’s performance in the San Diego court system. Sources online confirm that he has hired a “god-tier” defense lawyer.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Washington Football Team Claims They Only Used That Name to Get Into Harvard

Posted on July 16, 2020 by Chris Nakis

WASHINGTON — Representatives for the popular NFL team based in Washington, D.C. claimed today that they only used their long-standing team nickname as a strategy to get the organization into the highly-competitive Harvard University.

“We weren’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings. We just wanted our application to stand out,” said Max Walters, the team’s Director of Human Resources. “We needed to get selected ahead of the Chiefs and the Browns, and we really had no way to make the organization retake the SAT. Look, to get the attention of an admissions department, you may have to use a slur or two — our college essay was so weak, it was about how volunteering changed our perspective. Boring. By the way, did I mention that new licensed merchandise is available in the team gift shop?”

“And for the record, when I wear a Marine Corps uniform on an airplane to get free drinks, I’m not mocking the brave men and women in our armed services,” Walters added. “I’m honoring them.”

NFL spokesperson Kelly Norwood weighed in.

“Sure, if we got all of our organizations into an Ivy League institution, it’d be a real feather in our cap. Unfortunately, the Washington team has rarely had the athletic skills needed to go to a place like Harvard, and it’s a shame they resorted to tactics like this,” said Norwood. “Maybe we can work out a donation to make things right — the ‘Bud Light Student Union’ has a nice ring to it. Either way, the NFL is committed to atonement, even if it is decades late and only because public pressure forced us to do so.”

Still, many fans are defending the team’s controversial, original name.

“The team name is about honoring the people Christopher Columbus discovered when he founded America,” said season ticket holder Thomas Laine, wearing a traditional war bonnet. “Plus, the end zones are already painted. Are we going to dishonor the hard work of the dedicated groundspeople who spent minutes of their day perfecting each line? I guess I’m the only person that values their contribution to this country.”

As part of their apology, the football team is committing to both a name change and picking up a few extra-curricular activities.

CDC Urges Americans to Shut the Fuck up While They’re Trying to Think

Posted on July 16, 2020 by Andrew Murphy

ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention urged Americans today to “Shut the fuck up for one goddamn second while we’re trying to figure something out,” during a press conference at the organization’s headquarters.

“Seriously. Guys, we’re trying to figure out a way to control the pandemic, and to do that, we need you to just keep it to a dull roar,” said CDC spokesperson Nolan Ackerman. “I’m not fucking joking around — this is very serious. None of us can focus for two goddamn seconds because everyone keeps asking when they’re going to die. Just chill for once in your lives, so we can figure this shit out.”

When asked when Americans could resume being loud maniacs again, Ackerman, pacing and sweaty and burning through several cigarettes, responded by miming a gun and putting it to his head. “I am trying to prevent you and your fucking family from dying,” said Ackerman. “And I can’t keep this from spiraling while you’re running your goddamn jaw right next to where I’m trying to think, O.K.? Fuck.”

The conference marked the latest escalation from the CDC, following last Monday when CDC officials urged “all Americans who don’t have smooth brains to wear a mask in crowded places,” and to “wash their hands after they finish digging around in their own assholes.”

“Many Americans are struggling with a tidal wave of COVID-19 information, and it can be overwhelming… especially to people who seem to think wearing a thin cloth over their face is the equivalent of being murdered,” said researcher Carl Udall. “Some people are confused about whether masks prevent the spread, or if they protect… wait, hold on. Are those fireworks? Who the fuck is just shooting off fireworks right now? It’s 10 a.m. The Fourth was weeks ago.”

The latest CDC guidelines received a mixed reception.

“No, YOU shut the fuck up,” said William Landis of the conservative think-tank Americans For Freedom Now. “I have a right to blare my dope-ass sound system right next to your fancy science party… which is why I’m throwing a totally bitchin’ rave and BBQ in my mom’s basement this weekend. Suck my dick, science bitch. SUCK MY DICK!!!!!!”

Holding a press conference of his own after, President Donald Trump asked Americans of all walks of life to “raise the motherfucking roof for all the real victims!” and blasted an air horn directly in Dr. Anthony Fauci’s ear.

Saying ‘Hey! Listen!’ Is No Longer Enough

Posted on July 15, 2020 by Noah Ammerman

Ever since Ganondorf attacked Hyrule, I’ve had to constantly remind you that we can’t go back to our normal lives until this great evil is defeated. At this point, though, it’s clear that just saying “Hey! Listen!” is no longer enough to defeat the systemic Ganondorf evil that’s tearing apart our community.

Look, I’m not denying that progress has been made. You’ve gathered all of the Spiritual Stones to enter the Sacred Realm and even helped out some ordinary townsfolk. But it seems like every time you survive a temple, there’s this long stretch where you just want to pat yourself on the back for being the “Hero of Time” and take a long break to find more items that will make you feel safer.

Are you tired of me popping up over your shoulder and telling you what to do? Well, guess what? I am too. I shouldn’t have to routinely explain that an evil Gerudo king deposing our government and obtaining the power of a god is bad. I guess the looming danger of annihilation just doesn’t hold your attention when you could be stuffing spiders in your pants to trade for a slightly bigger wallet, right?

And yes, I am far from perfect, myself. I spent years saying “Hey! Listen!” and “Hey! Hear!” but the current times have radicalized me. No longer can I sit idly by as skulltulas roam the lands until someone hits them with an arrow. The time to say “Hey! Listen!” is over, and there’s no shame in just jumping on the bandwagon now. I need you to join me in saying, from now on, “Hey! Radical Change!”

Let me be clear — I’m not trying to attack the way you go about saving the world, but the truth is you’re only able to act so carefree because of the circumstances of your birth. The Master Sword only acknowledges you as the hero because of who your ancestors were, and that’s why everyone keeps giving you mystical woodwind instruments and other fancy bullshit just for existing.

You might have the Triforce of Courage, but it’s only because so many people selflessly offered you their support and magic items that you have the power necessary to vanquish this ancient evil. You now have a responsibility to those people save all of Hyrule, so it really fucking worries me to see you’re still hanging out in Kakariko and…buying magic beans to plant in the ground? Are you kidding me?

You’ve heard me say this before, and I don’t want to nag you, but I’m only here to make sure you can communicate better with your allies and never lose sight of the enemies you have to defeat. I’m sorry if I’m getting on your nerves, but I don’t care if you’re uncomfortable focusing the camera on someone other than yourself for a change.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Only One Way to Find Out If Start Button Will Pause or Skip Crucial Cutscene

Posted on July 15, 2020 by CJ Hernandez

TAMPA, Fla. — Local gamer Kristine Rivera reportedly held her bladder for 12 painful minutes last night, unsure if pressing the start button would pause or skip the cutscene she’d unknowingly triggered in the RPG she was playing.

“God, I gotta go so fuckin’ bad, man,” Rivera was heard saying in a Discord call with friends. “Stupid JRPG, I thought that was a side area! Fifty hours in and I have never once even tried to hit the Start button in a cutscene, what do I do? God damn that Big Gulp, not worth it! Always thought PC was superior but I would kill for a dedicated HOME button right about now.”

Faced with the question of how to relieve herself without missing any key plot developments, Rivera’s advisors on Discord hotly debated several potential solutions before finally recommending that Rivera “…just let it rip in the Big Gulp cup,” a suggestion that Rivera refused to consider as there was still a bit of soda remaining in the cup.

“Why didn’t I buy a wireless headset?” Rivera lamented, five minutes into the long, slow, but absolutely essential, story event. “Why don’t I have desktop speakers? I can’t miss this scene but I’m gonna burst, shit! Shit! I’m gonna press it, I’m gonna press start! It’ll give me a confirmation before skipping, right? Right!?”

Rivera was quickly talked down from the cliff, after friends cited several games that did not provide a chance for confirmation upon pressing start.

“I don’t see why you don’t just go take a piss and watch the cutscene on YouTube after,” said Butternutter24, another Discord user on the call. “Hell, it’s a JRPG. Just watch the whole game on YouTube while you’re on the toilet, it’s literally the same thing.” Butternutter24 was unavailable for further comment, as they were immediately banned from the server for their comments.

As of press time, Rivera remained unable to confirm or deny whether the Start button was able to pause the cutscene in question. Several neighbors reportedly saw her gaming chair out in the garbage this morning.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Chloe Sevigny Hanging Around Indie Film Set Just in Case

Posted on July 15, 2020 by Kyle Stanley

VAN NUYS, Calif. — Celebrated actress and seemingly constant indie cinema presence Chloe Sevigny was seen yesterday hanging around the set of upcoming film “The Crying Beautiful” just in case her services are needed, mildly star-struck sources confirmed.

“Chloe wasn’t on the call sheet, but she was still standing outside hair and makeup when I got here at 5 a.m.,” said key grip Bobby “Buster” Blaise. “The best boy heard her tell the A.D. that she was ready if we needed her to play the cancer patient, or the cancer survivor, or even the transgender incest-survivor who also has cancer. Since then, she’s been wandering between set and base camp all day, trying to make eye contact with people. She’s really intense.”

The phenomenon of actors obtaining roles by hanging out near sets is quite common in Hollywood, where it is known as “Clint Howard-ing.”

“It’s almost a tradition in the film industry,” said movie insider Marcy Zezel. “Everyone knows that Harrison Ford was a carpenter who just happened to be in the right place at the right time, and that Ben Affleck was only at the ‘Mallrats’ set to try and buy weed. Chloe has built her resume by silently leering at talented auteurs like Wes Anderson, Larry Clark, and Harmony Korine, until they feel so uncomfortable they cast her.”

Although visibly unnerved by the actress, director Lance Fisher initially insisted that casting is complete and the Golden Globe-winning actress is wasting her time.

“We’ve had the cast in place for months and we couldn’t be happier,” said Fisher after shooting one of the film’s 38 flashback sequences. “God, she’s good, though. I mean, obviously — she’s an independent cinema legend. And to be honest, I’m a little afraid of having to say ‘no’ to her. You know what? I’m going to do some reshoots with Chloe as the hairdresser with breast cancer. Saoirse Ronan will be cool with getting fired after six weeks of work, right?”

Immediately after “The Crying Beautiful” wrapped, Segivny hitchhiked to New York City to track down Jim Jarmusch and stand outside of his apartment until he casts her in his next film.

Boyfriend Concludes 45-Minute Rant on Why He Doesn’t Need Therapy By Stabbing Refrigerator

Posted on July 15, 2020 by Laurie Storrie

AUSTIN, Texas — Local ex-boyfriend Sergio Matthews offered a convincing argument as to why he doesn’t need therapy by pacing around his girlfriend Mallory Speers’ kitchen and eventually assaulting her refrigerator, according to sources who have been here before.

“He’d been talking so much lately about how he was struggling — he keeps getting stuck in the same dead-end jobs, he has recurring dreams about his dad, and he can’t afford the payments on his new guitar, so I suggested talking to a professional because I care about him and want to see him succeed,” Speers recalled while sipping chamomile tea. “It just escalated so quickly from there — one minute we’re on the couch sharing our favorite memes, the next he’s standing in the kitchen pacing around and screaming, ‘I’m not yelling!’ over and over.”

When asked how she handled the incident, Speers offered tips she’s picked up over the years.

“I mean, my dad is a white boomer from New England, so I’m kind of used to seeing bottled up stuff spillover from time to time. Plus, I work in the service industry, so I’m no stranger to smiling while getting yelled at for something out of my control, but at least I get paid for that,” Speers said. “To be honest, I just wish I did more to save my fridge — the ice dispenser worked like a dream on that bad boy.”

Appliance professionals confirmed that the damage done to refrigerators, remote controls, and hall closet doors at the hands of emotionally stunted men is not uncommon.

“Appliances get impaled by foreign objects all the time. If I had a dollar for every washing machine kicked by some guy who’s been asked to take a serious look at his inability to commit to someone he’s been seeing for 10 months, I’d be a goddamn millionaire,” stated Maytag representative Chuck Jameson. “Maybe your favorite sports team lost, you ran out of milk, or someone just changed the thermostat while you were in the bathroom — there are lots of good reasons to stab your fridge. It’s just too bad they don’t make ’em like they used to.”

Jameson also wanted to remind customers that the company’s warranty only covers appliances stabbed with other Maytag products.

The Next Kirk Hammett? I Also Work With Two Egomaniacs and a Temp

Posted on July 15, 2020 by Yancy Lee Crawford

Holy shit am I the next Kirk Hammett? No, I can’t shred on the guitar and my hair is less “rock God” and more “birds nest, but like, a nice bird’s nest,” but after six weeks at this tech company, I have a newfound respect for Kirk Hammett’s patience. Sure, playing lead guitar for Metallica seems glamorous: the signature ouija board ESP guitars, the flowing hair, the muting of the bass player. However, after working side by side with two egomaniacs and a temp who keeps eyeing up my chair, my workplace satisfaction has taken a major plunge and I don’t know how much longer I’ll stay in this office.

At first, I thought I’d be the calm peacekeeper. A master of puppets. Well, that plan blew up in my face faster than a poorly-placed pyrotechnic. Endlessly, I hear them fighting and talking about themselves all day. One guy is constantly screaming about patent lawsuits while the other is “building IPO buzz” even though it’s not clear if we’re launching the app, building social media presence, or reverse data mining disaggregation service first. Neither of them code so I do all the work while one of them plays Big Buck Hunter on his phone while the other sneaks vodka in the bathroom.

I left a stable position at another company and moved to San Francisco for this?! I guess the documentary crew and interview therapist were red flags but I don’t ask questions; I just sit in the back and code. But I code better than anyone else out there. You can bet on that. If things don’t change around here, I’m out.

Eh, who am I kidding? They pay too much to quit. I’ll grind for these leper messiahs until we make “Black Album” money so I can quietly phone it in for the next twenty to thirty years. Working at Napster blows.

Band Breaks Quarantine to Meet Up Together, Talk Shit on Bassist

Posted on July 15, 2020 by John Danek

LOS ANGELES — Three members of local punk quartet The Herniated Dicks defied Los Angeles’ stringent coronavirus quarantine guidelines to meet up and rag on their bassist Johan Ivarsson, witnesses confirmed.

“I was walking my dog around Echo Park Lake with my mask on when I noticed a group of three people holding instruments, approximately six feet apart,” recounted recently furloughed massage therapist Kelly Ligon. “They weren’t playing their instruments, though — they were just laughing hysterically and miming playing bass, but with exaggerated, dumb facial expressions and stepping on rakes.”

The Herniated Dicks’ lead singer and rhythm guitarist Mary Lorriet confirmed that she and other members did not heed Mayor Garcetti’s advice of remaining quarantined until mid-July for the sake of, what she calls, a “spiritual emergency.”

“I know it was irresponsible, but shittin’ on Johan has become part of our weekly routine… and Zoom calls and FaceTime just aren’t the same when it comes to talking about how much of a dumbass he is,” explained Lorriet, who hasn’t had contact with Ivarsson since pre-quarantine. “This pandemic may have changed daily life for most people, but it hasn’t stopped J from taking his amp in for ‘repairs’ when he just forgot to take it off ‘standby.’ We have to stay on top of all the stupid shit he does before he can overload us with more.”

Group therapist Dr. David Ronson is urging bands to exercise caution when secretly ganging up on one member.

“In this time of self-isolation, any return to normalcy can do wonders for one’s mental health, so gathering to mock your idiot bassist’s inability to remember songs is infinitely tempting,” said Dr. Ronson. “But please, continue to quarantine, so we can reduce the chance of coronavirus transmission. Instead, try creative activities — like online puppet shows based around that time your bassist showed up to the venue at 10 a.m. instead of 10 p.m.”

When Ivarsson did not respond for comment, band members speculated that he forgot his email account password again.

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