Rockstar: Red Dead Redemption 2 Will Be “Even More Tedious” on Next-Gen Consoles

Posted on by Andy Holt

NEW YORK — In anticipation of upcoming next-gen video game consoles, Rockstar Games has promised an enhanced version of Red Dead Redemption 2, which will reportedly “push the limits of tedium” in modern gaming.

“With the original version of Red Dead Redemption 2, we set a new standard for what it means to be bored while playing a video game,” said a Rockstar spokesperson in an extremely long and repetitive virtual press conference. “But thanks to the exciting capabilities of the PS5 and Xbox Series X, players will be able to experience monotony more vividly than ever before.”

The company confirmed that the changes would go beyond simple graphical improvements, with the goal of immersing players more deeply into banality. 

“We wanted to take the sluggish pacing of the original game and enhance it, bringing players even closer to the humdrum occurrences of their daily lives. For instance, many players complained that it takes several minutes for Arthur to dish up his soup and eat it every morning,” said the spokesperson while suspenseful music began to play. “Well, we heard you, and that’s why we are pleased to announce a brand new feature: 45-minute meals, mandatory, three times per day.”

The virtual conference then cut to 45 incredibly realistic minutes of Arthur Morgan taking individual spoonfuls of soup, blowing on them, and swallowing. Other than the occasional clearing of his throat, the only sound was the wind and the clicking of his spoon on the bowl.

“As for what happens when he’s finished digesting, you’ll just have to wait and see it for yourself,” said the spokesperson after the clip. “See it, hear it, and even—well, let’s just say you’ll be amazed.”

Reactions were mixed, with diehard fans among the most enthusiastic.

“I loved the original game, but sometimes I’d be finishing a 10-minute horse ride to complete a single fetch quest, and it’s like, I wish the game had given me a little time to enjoy the scenery,” said Lance Whist, a self-described Red Dead Head. “In the Old West, journeys from one town to another often took an entire day, or longer. Here’s hoping Rockstar embraces a bit of that realism.”

At the end of the press conference, Rockstar announced that the enhanced game would cost $60, paid exclusively in valid currency from 1899.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

One-Hit Wonder Strongly Considering Writing Second Hit

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MINNEAPOLIS — Pop-punk band Suburban Angst called an emergency band meeting on Friday to discuss a potential plan to write a second hit after their debut single, “Pivotal Brunch,” became an overnight smashing success, the band’s manager confirmed.

“I refuse to let our entire legacy be pigeonholed to one song about snorting coke in an IHOP restroom,” guitarist Trent Deluthe said after championing the idea for another hit. “Writing a second platinum-selling track would most definitely get that derisive ‘one-hit wonder’ title off of our backs. I just can’t believe all of these other ‘one and done’ bands hadn’t thought of rebranding and writing a second banger, too — you know, like Marcy Playground.”

“I’d totally whip up a new hit right now, if it weren’t for this crippling writer’s block,” Deluthe continued. “One day, I know a killer riff will magically come to me. Until then, I’ll be painstakingly writing shoddy breakup songs about all the exes who’ve left me, in lieu of getting proper therapy.”

Some fans, however, are disappointed by the band’s newfound popularity.

“I heard of them before anyone else, and I’ll have you know that their hit isn’t even the best song on the album,” long-time fan Ben Maplelean said while stroking his beard. “As someone who views music discussions as teachable moments, I used to casually slip in their band name during conversations at parties to totally impress the basics. Once their song took off, though, my ability to dazzle with obscure music references shrank considerably. Can’t bands think of their real fans before selfishly appealing to a wider audience? The nerve.”

Record executives have long encouraged bands to replicate the success of their debut singles.

“They better write another crowd-pleaser soon before they’re thrown into that reprehensible one-hit trash bin with the likes of Harvey Danger and Lit,” said Columbia Records executive Rhonda Barberer. “Sure, today they’re riding high, but just wait in 20 years when they’re ‘that’ band with ‘that’ song on their inevitable reunion tour, playing exclusively at casinos and amusement parks, and making fans wait until the very end of their set to hear ‘Mambo No. 5.’ How embarrassing.”

At press time, Suburban Angst released several demo and remix versions of their lone hit after failing to come up with any new “radio-friendly” material.

Local Nurse Assures Bored Friend That DIY Bang Trim Nothing to Worry About

Posted on by Krissy Howard

MARION, Ill. — Local nurse Ginnie Strathmore assured her friend Katie Nguyen this morning that the hacked-up, DIY haircut she gave herself around 2:45 a.m. isn’t anything to worry about, according to exhausted sources.

“I just finished working a double when I got a ton of slurred voice texts and blurry, weird pics of Katie crying in her bathroom with a haircut she gave herself with what I’m assuming were those plastic safety scissors they let kids use,” Strathmore recalled. “I’ve learned to deliver bad news calmly and objectively, so even though her hair looked like a less grown-out Jim Carrey in ‘Dumb & Dumber,’ I felt it was my professional responsibility to assure her it didn’t look that bad, and stay on the phone with her until she fell asleep… which was only like, 25 seconds later.”

Nguyen, who became bored within hours of her state’s latest lockdown order, consulted her friend in a moment of panic.

“I’m not really sure what happened… one minute it’s April, and then the next thing I know, I’ve learned the words to every Sugarcubes song ever written and my bangs aren’t even close to skimming my eyebrows,” the uninsured Nguyen said. “Thank god I have Ginnie — she always seems to be awake, especially lately, and has the best advice… like using condoms. Oh, and when she told me the mole I was worried about was actually just a piece of really old chocolate that got stuck to my back.”

Fellow medical professionals report an increase in “dumb as fuck” concerns by their own friends and family since states have tinkered with their stay-at-home orders.

“Ever since I started taking my prereqs, my friends and distant cousins have been reaching out to me with every little thing just to avoid going to a real doctor — and I usually don’t mind. It’s kinda fun diagnosing shit,” said medical intern Phillip DiStefano. “But lately, it seems like issues people are concerned about are not things that they should be FaceTiming me at work over. Like, just last week, I’ve had four friends text me on my break to ask if it was ‘shitty’ to get back on Tinder right now, and I’ve fielded over 13 Skype calls regarding my mom’s curtains.”

“God, I can’t wait for things to just go back to normal, and I can just assure my friends they don’t have genital warts or cancer, no matter what WebMD says,” he added.

We Sit Down With the Composer Who Only Uses Distorted Bass Notes to Make Soundtracks for YouTube Conspiracy Videos

Posted on by John Danek

Conspiracy theories are more popular than ever, and their success can be boiled down to one basic ingredient: ominous, distorted bass notes mixed perfectly underneath the narration.

Without distorted bass notes, we would live in a world where people didn’t believe that Bush did 9/11 to help the lizard people steal orgon energy from babies in pizza shops by exposing them to chemtrails.

We sat down with conspiracy composer Chet Savage and chatted about conspiracies, composing, and destroying subwoofers.

THE HARD TIMES: So what got you into composing for conspiracy videos?
SAVAGE: Way back in 2007, a high school acquaintance posted a link to Loose Change on his Facebook. I clicked and watched the funniest comedy I’ve ever seen in my life. Damn near every sentence uttered in that movie is nonsense. I couldn’t believe that some people take it seriously. But the soundtrack? Fucking slaps.
So you don’t believe in the conspiracies in these videos yourself?
Fuck no; I’m not an idiot. I’ve never successfully kept a secret in my life. So why would I think that there are groups of people hiding secrets about lizard people or the Illuminati? Someone would have leaked information for personal gain or fame already. Come on, son.
Noted. What are your musical inspirations?
Pretty much just the THX logo screen you see before some movies.
That’s it?
Yeah, that’s it. Just a lot of swelling and low rumbling. The deeper and fatter tone, the better. It lends an extreme gravitas to anything being said in a movie. And thus the world’s uncles and high school Christian acquaintances accept these messages as unimpeachable fact.
What are some of your favorite projects you worked on?
A few years back I scored a little YouTube video about the Clintons dumping uranium into the Washington D.C. water supply while Bill was in office. The movie sucked balls but one comment said: “The bass in this video is so strong, it blew out my subwoofer.” I’ve never been prouder of anything in my life.
Do you ever feel unethical about the fact that you profit on the spread of misinformation?
No. It’s not like I compose music for Fox News.

Man Not Sure When to Casually Bring Up Sepultura to Tow Truck Guy

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

PITTSBURGH — Local man Samuel Burke was reportedly unsure when to name drop heavy metal band Sepultura to the tow truck operator who hauled Burke’s damaged car to a mechanic earlier this week.

“The guy drives a tow truck: clearly, he’s a metalhead. He didn’t need to have long hair, sleeve tattoos, or a wallet chain to prove he loves metal. The tow truck was enough,” Burke explained. “I have short hair and was in a suit, but I wanted him to know I also love metal… and maybe that’d get me a bit of a discount. I needed a deep cut, too, so he knew I was legit, so obviously Sepultura was the right choice. But I couldn’t just start yapping about how ‘Roots’ is one of the greatest albums ever as soon as he got out of his truck — I’d look like I was trying way too hard.”

Unfortunately, tow truck driver Bret Cole did not pick up Burke’s subtle hints.

“As I pulled his car onto the bed, he kept talking about Brazil for some reason, and then said something about dead embryonic cells, which was really weird,” said Cole. “I asked if he needed a ride anywhere, and he said he was going to ‘…walk these dirty streets with hate in his mind.’ I get that he was upset after being in a car accident, but that’s not a healthy way to live your life.”

AAA spokesperson Amy Guzman noted this happens very often with their drivers.

“We get men who don’t know much about cars and try to look macho, so they bring up heavy metal almost immediately in a desperate attempt to relate,” Guzman said. “But our drivers are very nuanced people: some are Exodus fans, and others aren’t into thrash at all, preferring power metal bands like Manowar or Children of Bodom. So lumping them all together as heavy metal fans is an unfortunate stereotype that comes with the job.”

In related news, Burke has already made plans to bring up Dave Matthews Band with the insurance representative handling his claim.

Bullshit Photoshop Class Doesn’t Even Tell You How to Give Mario a Gun

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

AUSTIN, Texas —  Local graphic design student Rachel Valdez expressed frustration this week after realizing her Intro to Photoshop class would not cover how to place an image of a pistol into the hands of famous video game character Mario. 

“I had this great idea for a meme where Mario points a gun at Bowser and says ‘She’d better not be in another castle,’ Valdez explained. “Instead, I have to listen to some guy drone on about ‘PNG files’ and ‘vector graphics.’ Who gives a shit?”

UT Austin Associate Professor Ari Chapman attempted to defend the controversial decision.

“Adobe Photoshop is one of the most powerful tools available for image editing and creation, and the fundamentals are important,” said Chapman, whose course syllabus provides no specific guidelines for importing a file called “gun.jpg” as a new layer, using the background eraser tool to isolate the image of the gun, and then using the magnetic lasso tool to crop Mario’s fingers and move them into a shape that looks like he’s holding the gun. “You can do many different things with Photoshop, but it’s important to know the basics before diving into anything specific.”

Several other students in the class also expressed their frustration that the syllabus didn’t include instructions on how to put people’s heads on celebrities’ bodies, make posters for fake Marvel and DC crossover films, or how to make photorealistic images of what Homer Simpson would look like if he existed in real life.

“It’s crazy that I have to turn to YouTube tutorials just to learn how to adjust the angle of the shadow on the gun using the Layer Style menu so it doesn’t stand out,” said Valdez. “This information is all free on the internet, so I don’t know why I paid $500 for this stupid class in the first place.”

At press time, Valdez had transferred into an Intro to Adobe Premiere class to learn how to do some crazy Tim and Eric shit.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Vault Boy Skin Introduces Dozens of Glitches to Smash Bros

Posted on by Andy Holt

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo released a statement this morning defending their latest patch to Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, which adds a new Vault Boy skin that, if used a single time, will infect the entire game with dozens of permanent, game-breaking glitches.

“As longtime fans and admirers of Bethesda Game Studios, we were excited to introduce the studio’s trademark style into Super Smash Bros with the new Vault Boy skin,” said the statement in part. “However, we felt that playing as Vault Boy just didn’t feel right with Nintendo’s highly stable, bug-free experience. So, we teamed up with Todd Howard to introduce some of that classic sloppy code players have come to expect from Bethesda.”

While the list continues to grow, among the most common glitches were sudden clipping off the map, delayed controller response, and horrifically distorted character models. One player even reported a corrupted game file that rendered Smash Bros. unplayable.

“When they said they were introducing a Bethesda crossover, I thought they just meant a cosmetic skin,” said Jenna Tobbins, a lifelong fan of both Bethesda and Nintendo. “But now that I’ve spent hours on troubleshooting forums, uninstalled Smash, wiped my Switch system completely, re-installed the game and somehow ended up making it worse, I can see that Nintendo really went all the way. It’s like I’m really playing a Fallout game!”

When reached for comment, Todd Howard expressed gratitude at the chance to collaborate with Nintendo to ruin such a fabled series.

“Here at Bethesda, we’ve dedicated our lives to breaking our own video games,” said Howard. “It was a rare honor to get the chance to break someone else’s.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Mary-Kate Olsen Recalls Meeting Ashley Olsen On Set of “Full House”

Posted on by Amir Adan

LOS ANGELES — Former child star Mary-Kate Olsen recounted yesterday her experience meeting her doppelgänger and “Full House” co-star Ashley Olsen during the filming of the show’s pilot in 1986, confused sources confirmed.

“Believe it or not, Ashley and I are not related by blood. We just happened to look almost identical, have the exact same birthday, and get cast on the same TV show. Just one of those wacky showbiz coincidences,” a nostalgic Mary-Kate reminisced via Instagram livestream. “It was ABC’s idea to pretend we were twins. I hated that I had to change my legal name to ‘Olsen,’ and they forced me to sign an NDA saying I couldn’t acknowledge my biological parents in public. But besides that, I really loved my time working with Ash.”

Casting director Raymond Schwartz explained how the show used the actresses’ uncanny resemblance to their advantage.

“We originally cast Mary-Kate as ‘Michelle’ and Ashley as a Steve Urkel, annoying-next-door-neighbor type. I honestly didn’t put two and two together until we got onto set for the first day of shooting and I kept confusing them for one another,” said Schwartz. “Of course, they didn’t look exactly alike, so one of them got some light plastic surgery. But it was worth it — two ‘Michelles’ got us get around those pesky child labor laws.”

Fellow cast members, however, didn’t remember the experience so fondly.

“I was so fucking weirded out by them. We all were, honestly,” said fellow “Full House” actor Bob Saget. “They really bought into the whole ‘twin’ thing and started dressing the same, wearing their hair the same… one even allegedly got a vocal cord scraping to make their voices sound the same. But the creepiest part was when they would start talking in that made-up, secret twin language that only they understood. [John] Stamos says he still has nightmares about it.”

When reached for comment, the genetic laboratory that created the third “Olsen daughter” Elizabeth, using DNA of Ashley and Mary-Kate, declined to comment.

Guy Super Strict About Social Distancing Unless Girl on Tinder Is Down

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

NEWINGTON, Conn. — Diligently safety-conscious man James Sadler is staying vigilant about social distancing practices, unless his recent Tinder match is interested in going over to his place.

“I wear a mask and gloves everywhere, I stay six feet apart from people, and no one is allowed in my apartment… unless of course, this girl I just matched with is down to clown. Then, whatever — let’s do the thing!” Sadler stated while messaging his latest Tinder match. “The last thing I would ever do is put anyone in danger and risk exposing others or myself to this virus, but if boning is on the table, you’ve gotta make exceptions. Always prioritize getting it in. Otherwise, it’s like the virus has already won.”

Cara Merkin, Sadler’s Tinder match, said she would “under basically no circumstances” go to Sadler’s apartment.

“Dudes’ apartments are already so gross that I try to spend as little time in them as possible, and now add this pandemic? Yeah, no thanks,” she said while scrolling through thousands of similar invites on Tinder. “I think we’re better off getting to know each other through chatting anyway, so I’m fine to wait a little bit to meet in person… unless of course he has a giant dong. Then I can be there in like, five minutes.”

Sadler’s roommate Gary Chin, however, is entirely opposed to it.

“We are not supposed to have people over — that’s the whole point of the social distancing. It’s like he doesn’t understand how this thing spreads,” Chin added while adjusting his mask and re-washing his hands. “My cousin hooked up a few weeks ago, and now he’s dead. And they didn’t even do any butt stuff, so like, totally not worth it. There is no way James is bringing a girl over during this pandemic… unless of course, she has a friend for me. Then, yeah, I’m on board.”

At press time, Merkin confirmed that she and Sadler did end up hooking up, and though she did get sick from it, it wasn’t COVID but rather a perfectly treatable STD.

We Visited the Island Where Humans Are Hunted for Sport and We Actually Had a Pretty Good Time

Posted on by James Knapp

At The Hard Times we feel it’s important to occasionally leave our comfort zone to seek out new places, cultures, and scenes. That’s why we recently traveled out over international waters to an island where eccentric billionaires stalk through a tropical rainforest hunting “the most dangerous game.”

Now we went over there with every intention of exposing this island’s horrible practices and shutting it down. But as soon as our private helicopter landed at the chateau and a man in a pith helmet handed us each an elephant gun, a cavalry saber and a pina colada we felt right at home.

This place ruled! It was absolutely beautiful, the staff attended to our every need, and honestly? It’s pretty fucking dope to hunt other human beings. Turns out you don’t need a billion dollars to enjoy that. Just an elephant gun and an open mind.

Now, we know what you’re probably thinking: “how could we put ourselves at risk like that? What if one of our quarries somehow managed to outwit us?” Well, no need to worry. As we soon found out, all of the hunted are dosed with a powerful sedative before they are released, which renders them virtually incapable of being aggressive. The first human we cornered could barely stand, even before we shot the entire top part of his skull off. Talk about a rush!

There was one disappointing aspect of our trip, which was that due to some bureaucratic nonsense known as “international law” we weren’t allowed to bring back any of the trophies we had gathered from our prey. This was unfortunate as we had amassed quite the collection of shin bones by that point. But by the end of our trip, it was the memories and friends we made along the way which we will truly cherish.

So if you’re looking for a destination for your next vacation, and have fourteen million dollars and access to the dark web, then allow us to recommend the island where humans are hunted for sport. And if you don’t have your hands on that kind of cash, we know another way you can get to the island that’s totally free. You just might not… leave.