The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Movie Trailer Editor Struggling to Create Menacing Rendition of ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’

Posted on July 18, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — An editor tasked with creating a creepy horror movie trailer is having trouble figuring out how to make “Mary Had A Little Lamb” sound scary.

“I have tried everything and nothing is working,” explained veteran trailer editor Marcia Blum. “I tried using a version sung in a whisper. I tried slowing it down to a dirge. I added vague industrial clanging sounds on every beat that get louder as the scares ramp up. It still just sounds like an innocuous nursery rhyme!”

The trailer was for a new horror film called Black Shear, which is about a pack of murderous sheep who terrorize a small Scottish town. Following the lead of other popular trailers, the film’s marketing team asked Blum to pull out every trick in the book, from the creepy children’s song to the tagline “Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?”

“When people see this trailer, we want them to have nightmares about it,” said Lionsgate marketing head Damon Wolf. “There is absolutely nothing more terrifying than hearing the song your mother sang to you every night, but like, scary. You’re going to piss your pants the next time you walk into a daycare, just wait and see.”

Unimpressed with Blum’s first cut, Wolf enlisted the help of his nephew Joey to record a “creepy kid” version of the song. The version was ultimately scrapped after test audiences called the rendition “precious.”

“The producers asked me to transpose it into a minor key and have my whole choir sing it,” said Hollywood Youth Choir leader Bethanny Menke, “but have you ever heard a bunch of five-year-olds try to sing ‘Mary Had A Little Lamb’ in the first place? It sounds discordant no matter what. That’s just your average 2nd grade recital.”

With the marketing efforts at a stalemate, rumors were circulating that the producers might scrap the movie altogether and replace it with a new horror project titled Bingo. Not much is known about the film other than its tagline: “Evil has a new name-o.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Remember Italians From The Sopranos? Well It Turns Out They’re Real and I’m Obsessed

Posted on July 18, 2020 by Peter Casciato

Like most Americans, I grew up watching “The Sopranos.” My whole family would gather around the TV to see what kind of mob related shenanigans Tony and the gang were getting into that week. I had always assumed that the show was fictional, so I was blown away this week when I learned that Italians are actually real, and I gotta say, I’m kind of obsessed with them.

First and foremost, there’s this country in Europe called Italy, and there are people that live there known as Italians. Mind blown, right? I had no idea. Apparently this country has existed for a really long time. We’re talking, like, hundreds of years. I heard it used to be called Rome, which is just a totally adorable name.

Then, I started to really go down the rabbit hole. In ancient times, there was this one Italian named Galileo who was totally in love with the stars and moons and junk. Which makes sense because he was an Aquarius. And he invented the telescope which is just the best. Learning about ol’ Galileo was particularly shocking as the TV show convinced me Italians were only capable of holding menial labor jobs like brick layer, strip club bouncer, and mob enforcer.

What’s really crazy is that some Italians left Italy, and moved to other places, but they’re still Italians even if they live somewhere else. Thus, how our New Jersey, noodle-loving ne’er-do-wells came to be. Heck, there could be Italians anywhere, even on your street! I just think that’s so brave, and I love them for it.

And despite devouring all six seasons of “The Sopranos,” I mistakenly thought there were only boy Italians. But it turns out there are also girl Italians, which like, yes! And even more shocking, not all Italians have severe panic attacks when they see ducks swimming in their inground pools. Go figure!

Another misconception in the Sopranos is that Italians can only eat gabagool. According to show lore, anything other than fresh gabagool, manahgut, or mutzadell from the old country could potentially kill their kind. But thankfully, this is untrue. Italians can eat people food too, which is just the cutest thing ever! But don’t feed them too much people food at once or they’ll get a tummy ache.

It really just goes to show that not everything you see on TV is Hollywood magic, some of it is real! I had always thought that Italians, like New Jersey, only existed in fantasy, but now I know that they’re real, and I’m so happy they are.

Seven Dead, Six Wounded at Police Officer Surprise Party

Posted on July 18, 2020 by Tom Peters

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Ofc. Travis McHone opened fire on several guests gathered at his home last night for a surprise party in his honor, leaving seven dead and six more critically wounded.

“What can I say? My training kicked in,” said McHone after emptying his service weapon at a room full of friends and loved ones. “When everyone yelled, ‘SURPRISE!’ I made a split-second threat assessment and decided my only course of action was to pull the trigger and yell, ‘See you in hell, motherfuckers!’ until everything in front of me stopped moving. I mean, what if that cake had a gun baked into it? I wasn’t going to wait around to find out. Plus, all of the party guests were cops, so they really should’ve known better.”

McHone added, “I’m not scared. You’re scared.”

Survivors feel fortunate to have walked away from the party at all.

“It was absolute mayhem,” said Lt. Donna Parlovich. “I jumped out from behind the couch and [McHone] just started blasting. We instinctively returned fire; I didn’t think anyone would make it out alive. You know that last scene from ‘Reservoir Dogs?’ It was just like that. Altogether, ballistics counted 162 spent rounds, although not all of the bullet holes are fresh — McHone’s been known to shoot at the floor when startled by a small mouse who lives in his kitchen. We’ve all been there.”

Experts specializing in controversial police shooting cases weighed in.

“It’s my professional opinion that every officer at the scene acted appropriately,” said Dr. Harold Lewinsky, a police psychologist known for using junk science to help acquit officers accused of unjustified lethal force. “A group of assailants could’ve easily broken into McHone’s home and hung up balloons and streamers as a distraction to catch him off-guard and take his life. I shudder to think what would’ve happened if he’d hesitated for even a second. If it can happen in a McDonald’s drive thru, it can certainly happen in your own home.”

Following the incident, all surviving officers had resigned in protest of the charges brought against McHone.

Opinion: The Government Is Full of Shit Unless They’re Saying I Can Go to the Bar

Posted on July 18, 2020 by Courtney Baka

Hey there! Why don’t you pony up over here while I order up a round of cold ones and tell you exactly why I don’t trust our bullshit government.

Now, unlike most people I know, I’m a free thinker. When this whole “Corona” business began I couldn’t believe all the people freaking out over this nonsense hype! The government made businesses close, told people to wear masks (umm aka truth muzzles!!!), and claimed handwashing was good. Ha! I am disappointed in all these people following ridiculous rules set by a government that has lied to its people time and time again! At least they said we could go out to bars again. Finally some truth.

Closing businesses and keeping the American people out of work was just another example of big government trying to control the masses. They did the same after 9/11, using legislation and fearmongering to erode our rights. Fortunately, the government finally slipped up and let out some of the real statistics that say it’s okay to toast a Deep Eddy Strawberry Texas Lemonade® with your bestie in a makeshift patio in the Chili’s parking lot.

When the bars first reopened there were a few bits of government propaganda they tried to convince us of. They said bars were a hotbed of so-called “droplet transmission.” Hell, I’m not passing out my spit! Just having some laughs in a very small space with a dozen or so strangers who keep asking me to stop talking to them. Poor, brainwashed souls. If going to a bar is really so dangerous, why would the government allow them to open?

I’d like to thank my lying government for taking one brief moment to be decent folk and allow us to return to our favorite drinking establishments. And no, I absolutely will not put on a mask when I’m talking to you. Now bring me another Deep Eddy Strawberry Texas Lemonade®!

Punk Celebrating With the “Fancy” Instant Ramen

Posted on July 18, 2020 by Mark Bouchard

SALT LAKE CITY — Barista and local punk Miranda Byers is celebrating her additional shift at Baxter’s Garden today with a splurge purchase of the “fancy” $2.30 instant ramen for dinner, according to sources.

“I spent my stimulus check in like ten minutes and ever since then it’s been tough getting shifts,” said Byers. “Now that I’m scheduled for 24 hours this week I won’t have to try to sell my bone marrow, and I won’t have to decide between buying cat treats or beer, so it’s a win, for sure. This fancy-schmancy ramen comes in its own cup, and costs like, two bucks — which is pretty steep for one packet of ramen — but I’m sparing no costs with this little celebration. I’m eating like a king tonight!”

Byers’ boss Mike Davidson, who owns three “ethical” eating establishments in the area, was puzzled.

“It’s just an extra shift — the most they could possibly be clearing is $80, max. That couldn’t possibly make that much of a difference to their life, could it?” Davidson said. “They went into the back to scream about it in joy on the phone as soon as I told them. I’m happy for them — don’t get me wrong — I just don’t get it.”

However, not everyone in Byers’ life is as excited.

“Yeah, they called me on the phone as soon as they got the news,” said longtime friend Dave Rosenholtz. “I’m happy Miranda will have the extra scratch, but at the same time… I don’t know. Seems kinda braggy or something. I just didn’t know they were making that Shin Black money these days.”

“I guess I’m just like, bitter, if we’re being honest,” Rosenholtz added. “While Miranda’s eating the good shit, I’ll be chowing down on shrimp-flavored Maruchan. Miranda’s a communist, or so they say, so I’m hoping they spread the wealth around and let me get in on the fancy ramen, too. That’s some real primo stuff right there. ”

In another blatant display of wealth, Byers allegedly purchased a five pack of Samyang 2X Spicy ramen on their way home from a double-shift at a coffee shop across town.

Photo by Wikimedia.

Gamer’s Fourth Attempt at Playing Game Ends at Same Spot

Posted on July 17, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

BISBEE, Ariz. — Despite numerous promises made to friends and himself, gamer Aaron Fernwright’s playthrough of Furi has ended at the same boss for the fourth time.

“Not only have I attempted to beat this boss hundreds of times,” said Fernwright, “but also this is the fourth time that I’ve made hundreds of attempts. At this point, I’m not beating the game, it’s beating me.”

Claiming he needed to “re-familiarize” himself with Furi, Fernwright had deleted one of his previous three saves in order to start from the beginning. Sources close to him report to have seen him beat the first seven bosses at world record pace due to his thorough memorization of their patterns.

“Aaron may be the best Furi player in the world,” said Marcus, Fernwright’s closest friend. “But only for that first fifty percent.”

Leading up to the end of the playthrough, Fernwright posted frequently on Twitter about his appreciation for the game, even going so far as to claim it as one of his “favorites of all time” despite never having seen how it ends. His friends report they were eager to discuss the game with him, but they are opting to wait until he makes any progress whatsoever on the eighth boss before getting their hopes up.

“I’m sure he’ll try a fifth time, and even a sixth time,” Marcus said. “He’ll keep trying forever, but will never make it past The Burst, and every time he fails, he will go back to the beginning and try again. But all is well, I’m sure Aaron is happy, playing the same half of one game for all of eternity.”

At the time of publication, Fernwright had decided to decompress by starting his eighth Stardew Valley playthrough, which is predicted to be abandoned before he reaches Summer.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Melania Trump Promotes BLM Movement Thinking It Stands for “Be Less Mean”

Posted on July 17, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — First Lady of the United States Melania Trump announced her enthusiastic support for the Black Lives Matter movement at a press briefing today after mistakenly thinking the acronym BLM stands for “Be Less Mean.”

“I am so happy that there is such a big movement like BLM right now. We must come together, in this time of unprecedented bullying, and all Be Less Mean,” Trump said at her press conference to promote her anti-bullying campaign Be Best. “To see so many Americans arrested, or even killed, for their staunch anti-bullying beliefs, is heartbreaking. I will be asking my husband, President Donald, to reverse these arrests and deaths. Now more than ever, BLM.”

Black Lives Matter activists are reportedly conflicted on how to handle the confusing remarks from the First Lady.

“I mean………….. fuck,” said one protester who wished to remain anonymous. “Fuck.”

“Well, maybe it’s good? Is it bad?” said another protester. “What if we convince Melania that the country’s most dangerous bullies are the police? Can we get Melania to support abolishing the police? Does it end up mattering if she does? I’m so used to moderate Democrats co-opting our messages to make them meaningless, so I’m not really sure how to respond to something this chaotic.”

Republicans, however, have reacted much more negatively to the news.

“Noooooo!!!! Mommy nooooooo!!!!!!!!!” Donald Trump Jr tweeted at the First Lady, who married his father when Trump Jr was 28 years old. “Mother!!@!!!!! tHat is not what it means!!!!! PLEASE DELETE THIS FLOTUS”

As of press time, Melania Trump retracted her support for the BLM movement after being informed that the acronym actually means “Bully Loudly & More.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Crystal Healer Plans to Donate Body to Pseudoscience

Posted on July 17, 2020 by Matt Wassung

KEENE, N.H. — Local crystal healer and tarot card reader Elizabeth Stuart plans to donate her body to pseudoscience upon her passing, friends and spiritual advisors confirmed.

“There is so much that mainstream science can’t explain,” Stuart said. “For example, why am I sad only on Tuesdays? Is it the arrangement of the obsidian points on my altar? Are Tuesdays incompatible with the biorhythms of the Virgo moon and Libra rising? Is it another reason yet unknown to humankind? Those are the questions I hope can be answered for everyone through my corporeal remains after I’m gone. There’s no need for my body to be donated to a teaching hospital so they can dissect me like some frog; I want to be donated to the nearest astral projectionist to see if my being can be transferred through dimensions.”

Stuart’s friends wholeheartedly support her impending donation to the pseudoscience world.

“Elizabeth and I have known each other through many past lives, and I think what she’s doing is great,” said friend Kelly Nolan. “The mainstream medical community has enough bodies they can study — I read an article that proved they actually have too many. Let’s think less about how man-made medicine can help you, and how things like reiki, chakra alignment, and Lemurian light-language activation can set you free from the shackles of our perception of reality.”

However, some in the medical community were disheartened by and skeptical of Stuart’s big decision.

“She’s in great shape, never smoked or drank, and rarely got sick, so if she donated her organs to, say, the Mayo Clinic or a hospital in her area, she could really help a lot of people,” said Dr. Sam Brooks, who was Stuart’s primary physician before Stuart began her training in shamanic crystal healing. “What do I know, though? I’m just a fucking doctor. I just hope she doesn’t eat a bunch of weird mushrooms and then have to come in to get her stomach pumped.”

At press time, Stuart was giving herself a tarot reading, which she dismissed right away. “That was a bad one,” she said. “I forgot to shuffle, so it doesn’t count this time.”

If the Confederate Flag Keeps Getting Banned Then How Am I Supposed to Show I’m a Proud Southern Connecticutian?

Posted on July 17, 2020 by Stephen Bell

Let me tell you something about my hometown of Darien, Connecticut. Growing up they taught us to feel pride. The pride that you feel when you slip on your best pair of Sperry’s. The pride you feel when the sun hits the top of your thighs while out sailing because your chubbies barely cover your ball sack. How am I to show that I am a proud southern Connecticutian if they keep banning the use of the confederate flag?

There are those who might criticize my choice to fly the stars and bars from the back of my parents’ yacht given that Connecticut was technically part of the Union, but let me ask you something. Did you know that those stars in the middle represent the original 13 colonies? Well, guess what? Connecticut was one of the original 13 colonies. This means my claim to that flag is just as legitimate as anyone else. I bet they don’t teach you that in one of those hippie-dippie liberal arts schools.

Actually I went to Hampshire so I can tell you for a fact they don’t.

More than anything though that flag represents heritage. My family has a long history that dates back to the very founding of America so our roots here run deep. We’ve even traced our lineage back to the famous John Jope who was captain of the ship The White Lion. I can confidently say that when I fly that flag I feel like a white lion. I have no idea what the ship did exactly but I bet it was something really brave.

Look, I love three things: Clam Chowder, the first day of fall where it’s cold enough that you need a sweater and the confederate flag.

This flag represents the spirit of rebellion, not slavery and racism! How could I hate black people? I don’t even know any black people!

So try as you liberals might but I will always proudly fly the flag of my people because this flag transcends latitude and longitude. If you need further proof then let me inform you that even some Germans fly it in their country. How can a flag be racist if it’s so international? To that, I say “Blut und Boden meine deutschen Brüder”!

That’s why this southern Connecticutian isn’t putting this flag away anytime soon. Besides, without this flag, people might think I’m from Hartford or something, and let’s just say that city is a bit too colorful for my tastes.

Not to Be a ‘Devil’s Advocate,’ but the Dark Lord Has His Claws Deep Within Me and I Must Do His Bidding

Posted on July 17, 2020 by Michael Luis

Hey there. I can’t help but notice you’ve been sharing lots of articles and images about the George Floyd protests, COVID-19, Donald Trump’s incompetent presidency, and other current events.

Now, I don’t want to be a “devil’s advocate” as they say, but about two weeks ago I read an ancient scripture in an abandoned cathedral, and now Satan himself is using me as a vessel of flesh to communicate with earthbound mortals.

I thought it was quite noble of you to share a video explaining how police disproportionately target minority communities alongside a #BlackLivesMatter hashtag, but I can assure you that in the eyes of the almighty Lucifer, no lives matter, humans are inherently filth, and they all deserve to rot in the fiery pits of Hell for all of eternity.

As for that infographic you shared about how masks prevent asymptomatic transmission of COVID-19, I hope it persuaded some ignorant people to wear them. However, there is no mask that can save you weak repugnant fools from where you’re going. Your pink lungs and flimsy textiles are no match for the toxic fumes of the netherworld.

Now the Trump presidency, well, that one’s a tad embarrassing. Let’s just say that God lost a drinking bet and things got out of hand. Making him president was pretty fucking evil, even for Satan. Sorry ‘bout that.

I’m sure when you read “devil’s advocate,” you thought that I was going to share out-of-context statistics, things I misheard on a podcast, and fringe conservative conspiracy theories that can easily be debunked. You may be glad to know that the Devil hates the people that do that just as much as you. In fact, there is a special place in Hell reserved for them. The #BlueLivesMatter people are forced to lick an actual boot until their tongues fall off. It’s as funny as it sounds.

So yes, while I don’t want to be a “devil’s advocate,” I’m presently being consumed by Beelzebub’s satanic powers and have no semblance of autonomy left. I encourage you to make all of the woke social media posts you want, but just remember that IN NOMINE DEI NOSTRI SATANAS LUCIFERI EXCELSI!

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