Joe Biden Promises Action on Police Malarkey

Posted on by Andrew Murphy

WILMINGTON, Del. — Presumed Democratic Presidential nominee Joe Biden promised swift action during a digital town hall earlier today for cracking down on “police malarkey” in the wake of national protests.

“Look, most cops are good cops. I know a lot of cops. I know Doug — he used to live down the street from me when I was a kid, and he had a peach tree in his front yard and he’d give my family a basket every Thanksgiving. And Doug had a red truck, too — real big and fast. I once fought three guys just for looking at the truck funny,” said Biden. “But anyone who isn’t Doug needs to be held accountable. We can’t have riff-raff, no-goodniks, and other bad apples causing malarkey in the streets.”

Biden promised that if elected, he’d add strict guidelines preventing hooligans and wiseguys from becoming police officers, outlaw slapdash tomfoolery, and give officers who commit any pang-wangles “the bum’s rush out to the ashcan, buckaroo.”

“My son was shot 16 times while handcuffed in the back of a squad car, and the officer who shot him was drunk on the job and had a history of domestic abuse,” said Matilda Jarry, a local voter who supports police reform. “His disciplinary records had been hidden by the chief of police, and the police union actually advocated for this officer to get a raise. This is exactly why we need Joe Biden right now — he’ll put an end to this horse play right away.”

But Biden’s remarks have drawn criticism from some who want to see him do more.

“The police do not protect us. They protect all them uptown cats and their gizmos and whatsits,” said William Griggs of the Oakland Solidarity Action Front. “We can’t fix the police — we need to pop a hole in their bucket and take that moolah down to the schoolyard. It’s just that simple.”

President Trump weighed in as well, tweeting, “SLEEPY JOE is saying we should let criminals and goons make the laws and run in the streets. BAD IDEA! There are SOME bad apples, but nearly all the apples are good UNLESS they are hornswaggled by ANTIFA. RAZZAMATAZ!!!!!”

How to Tell If You Like Sonic Youth or Just Like Telling People You Like Sonic Youth

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Sonic Youth sure did influence some great bands that we all know and love. However, knowing whether you genuinely enjoy the band’s music or simply take pleasure in telling people you do to sound knowledgeable is often incredibly difficult to tell apart.

Separating the self from the ego simply cannot be done overnight. Luckily, we came up with a few pointed questions you can ask yourself in a pinch to help you come to the ultimate conclusion that you probably just like telling people you like Sonic Youth.

Have you ever listened to a full Sonic Youth album from start to finish?
Or have you simply previewed each song on “Daydream Nation” long enough to get the gist? If you’re cutting off each song around the 20-second mark, chances are you much prefer Sonic Youth as a concept and less as musicians.

Have you ever typed their name into Spotify?
Or have you far more often typed their name into Wikipedia to memorize a few trivia nuggets before involuntarily quizzing girls at parties? If reading about the band in order to gain a superior social status is more your thing then you might want to consider taking down that Sonic Youth poster in your bedroom.

Does seeing the “Goo” cover make you want to listen to the album right now?
Or does it rather make you want to sashay that “Goo” shirt you bought at Urban Outfitters before ultimately listening to Nirvana instead? If the appearance of liking certain music is far more important than actually experiencing it then it might be time to embrace your inner poser.

Can you name three Sonic Youth songs right now?
Or can you more easily name three times you’ve definitely impressed people in casual conversations with your ability to name experimental no-wave noise-rock bands that influenced potentially better bands? Don’t ask us how we know, but it’s definitely the latter case here.

By now you should be fairly confident in knowing that you simply prefer telling people you like Sonic Youth. On the off chance that you do in fact enjoy the music of Sonic Youth, consult a doctor immediately.

Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein Releases 90-Second Guitar MasterClass

Posted on by John Danek

SAN FRANCISCO — The popular, celebrity-driven tutorial platform MasterClass released a series today from Misfits’ guitarist Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein, containing all of his music knowledge in one, 90-second video.

“In my MasterClass, you’ll learn power chords on both the E string and the less commonly used A string,” said Wolfgang von Frankenstein. “And that’s pretty much it. If I have to play a solo, I just bend the shit out of a random note and tremolo pick it; if the music is really moving me, I’ll punch the strings a bunch of times and people go nuts.”

“MasterClass said my lesson wasn’t quite long enough, so we added a second chapter about giving yourself the perfect devilock,” he added. “But really, all you do is grow your hair long in the middle, goop a bunch of hair gel into your hands, and smear it all forward. Oops… I guess you just don’t need to pay for the class now.”

Guitar students worldwide jumped at the chance to learn from a guitar legend.

“The Misfits are the reason I picked up a guitar. I’ll never forget the feeling of, ‘That’s it?’ that I felt when I mastered ‘We Are 138’ on my first day,” said intermediate guitarist Sara Henle. “So I had to sign up for MasterClass to learn more from my idol. All things considered, I want my $90 back. He doesn’t even teach a song — he shows four power chords and says, ‘Just combine these in different orders, and that’s most Misfits songs.’ There was a bonus video where he just lifted weights for 45 minutes: no music, no talking, just the weights.”

MasterClass founder David Rogier celebrated his platform’s expansion into punk topics.

“I noticed that most of MasterClass’ topics were a bit highbrow and stuffy, and I thought, ‘Hey, we can be punk as frick, too,’” said Rogier, wearing a “Never Mind the Bollocks” shirt under a tweed wool blazer. “We had such a great reaction to our 45-second DEADMAU5 class where he taught people to make electronic music that we knew fans would react just as highly to this guitar lesson.”

MasterClass will reportedly expand their punk section to include classes with Henry Rollins on how to regulate your breathing so you can talk for 55 hours in a row, as well as one with NOFX’s Fat Mike on how to say wildly offensive things during on-stage banter that should get you canceled but somehow don’t.

30-Year Old Gamer Puts Fake Birthday Into Steam’s Age Verification Anyways

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

CHERRY HILL, N.J. — 30-year-old gamer Anna Gaskins reportedly entered a fake birthday into Steam’s age verification system, despite actually being old enough to pass the check with her real birth date, sources confirmed earlier today.

“I always used to put a random birthday in when I was trying to buy violent games as a kid,” explained Gaskins. “I guess I just never thought to stop when I turned 18. I could just put in my real birthday, but that just feels like cheating, you know?”

According to Steam data, Gaskins has been running her age falsification con for at least 20 years. Employees at Steam only started noticing that something was amiss when Gaskins got lazy and kept leaving January 1st as her birthday, only swapping the year between checks.

“We are shocked to learn that Ms. Gaskins has bypassed our system,” said Steam engineer Jonah Khan in disbelief. “We have no idea how she has managed to continually breach our state of the art age checking technology over the past 12 years. Clearly we’re dealing with some sort of criminal mastermind here.”

Steam plans on thwarting Gaskins’ con by reinforcing the security of its age checking system. They plan to add an “Are you over the age of 18?” question in addition to the birth date entry form as an extra layer of security.

“Look, it’s not that I don’t want to put in my real birthday,” Gaskins told Steam’s legal team, as she attempted to justify her actions. “It’s just that it takes so long to find my birth year in the form at this point. Like, I have to scroll all the way to the 1980’s and… oh God. I was born in THE ‘80’s? Oh no. Oh God, no. Where has my youth gone?”

Following a review of the case, Gaskins was let off with a warning. A follow-up email from Steam’s admin team urged her to show some integrity in the future and be more honest like her 116-year-old younger sister.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

NBC Pulls 143 Episodes of Show for Glorifying White Supremacist Gang Activity

Posted on by Aaron Weerasinghe

NEW YORK — Following the removal of episodes of 30 Rock, Community, and Scrubs episodes from streaming services for featuring characters in blackface, NBC Universal announced they are pulling 143 episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine for glorifying white supremacist gang activity.

“Our nation is at a critical turning point, and we have made the decision to remove several episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine that feature characters like Detective Jake Peralta gleefully participating in racist white supremacist violence,” said a spokesperson for NBC. “Going forward, the 143 episodes that we determined do not align with our commitment to anti-racism will no longer be available for streaming on the NBC App, Hulu, and Netflix, and they will not be aired as reruns.”

Brooklyn Nine-Nine showrunner and creator Dan Goor voiced his support for this decision, expressing regret he had even let the problematic episodes air.

“Brooklyn Nine-Nine is meant to be a fun, inclusive series that everyone can enjoy. The 143 episodes that portray characters with close ties to the KKK in a positive light are antithetical to the spirit of the show,” said Dan Goor, apologizing for the frequent appearance of white nationalist paraphernalia such as police uniforms and detective badges in the now-removed episodes. “No one needs to see members of the modern-day slave patrol rolling around on office chairs and pranking each other. I understand that now.”

“At the end of the day,” Goor added, “white supremacy is not ‘cool cool cool’ and it certainly isn’t ‘noice.’”

According to multiple reports, NBC is evaluating whether the removed episodes will return to online platforms after approximately 3,000 minutes of racist imagery are edited out.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Search for Perfect “The Office” GIF Response Enters Sixth Hour

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

DUNMORE, Pa. — Local man Cameron Waters is in his sixth consecutive hour of sifting through various GIFs from “The Office,” searching for the perfect response to a text message, sources who prefer the British version of “The Office” confirmed.

“I don’t even remember what we were talking about, but I was trying to cue up one of those classic ‘Jim looks to camera,’” Waters said while looking for a GIF to punctuate that very sentence. “Every option was either too small, or blurry, or had goofy fonts, or for some reason weird alt-right subtitles or something. I’ve now got 97 missed texts. I might have to give up soon.”

Potential GIF recipient, Waters’ girlfriend Laura Berk, is relieved by his fruitless search.

“We were talking about ‘Star Wars,’ and as soon as I mentioned liking ‘The Last Jedi,’ I saw those three dots with the magnifying glass pop up and knew he was looking for some ‘The Office’ GIF to imply my opinion is dumb,” she stated while deleting his past messages to free up space on her phone. “Literally everything I send him is met with a GIF… and they often don’t even make sense. I asked him what we should have for dinner, and he didn’t even send that Italian food quote, or Creed saying, ‘Somebody making soup?’ It was just Michael Scott from ‘The Office,’ saying, ‘The worst part of prison was the dementors.’”

Waters’ obsessive quest is nothing new, those close to him say.

“He got laid off last week, and simply texted his old boss a GIF of Michael Scott saying, ‘Should have burned this place down when I had the chance,’” confided Janet Waters, Cameron’s mother. “Yesterday I told him a relative passed away, and he didn’t even respond until the next day — I assumed he was grieving, but turns out he was just looking for a good GIF of Michael Scott saying, ‘There has been a murder.’”

At press time, Berk suggested she and Waters take some time apart, and Waters is now searching for just the right GIF from “The Office” dinner party episode to win her back.

“Yes, and don’t call me Shirley,” Waters responded via a Michael Scott GIF.

Woman Charged With Resisting Arrest for Fighting Off Rapist

Posted on by Lauren Lavín

SACRAMENTO — Local woman Lena Wright was charged with resisting arrest yesterday for fighting back against the armed, plainclothes rapist and city employee who attempted to arrest her, according to a statement by Wright.

“He wasn’t in uniform — I just thought he was a random drunk guy in a bar saying he’d arrest me for ‘being too hot,’” said Wright. “Then I recognized his face from this flyer some crust punks made to warn the community about him, so I left… and he followed me outside and said I was resisting arrest. He grabbed me, I kicked him in the sack, and now I’m getting charged with a fucking misdemeanor for doing a way better job protecting myself than any cop has.”

Wright’s attorney, Christina Fowler, was confident the charges would be dropped thanks to a bystander who came forward with cellphone footage of the event.

“To be clear, it will be a lengthy and distressing battle, but at least Ms. Wright posted bail right away,” said Ms. Fowler, adding that the police department claimed all 10 security cameras in the area were broken and that Wright “smelled guilty” to their patrol dogs. “Apparently there was enough money left over from a bail fund organized when this same rapist attacked protesters last week. I’m also confident if we sue, they’ll settle; that’s what the police department budget is mostly for… after grenade launchers and Punisher skull beer coozies, of course.”

Anthony Maher, Wright’s arresting rapist, said he was being unfairly vilified “just because I’m a white, straight, male Klansman who’s had 37 complaints made against me in the last year.”

“[Wright] is the one who broke the law, and made me fear for my life. I’m sick and tired of being judged by the actions of a few thousands of my brothers in blue,” said Maher. “A bunch of antifa losers tried to dox me, but things have calmed down since I took a photo of myself kneeling next to a black kid and giving him a thumbs-up.”

“When this is over,” he added, “I’m hoping to get reassigned somewhere people still respect, and can’t technically say no to, their police officers.”

Remembering All the Babies That Drowned to Make the “Nevermind” Album Cover

Posted on by Bobby Korec

We all remember Nirvana’s iconic album Nevermind, but often fail to pay tribute to all the babies that drowned to make the legendary cover. To create the album’s artwork, photographer Kirk Weddle required a young child to be submerged underwater for a full three minutes, but notoriously had to keep restarting production after a bunch of infants mysteriously suffocated during their would-be breakout performances.

Kurt Cobain once stated that Nirvana’s famous yellow smiley face logo is an homage to all the babies that died that day. Let’s take a moment to remember each one of those postnatal kids who passed away in the name of grunge.

Baby Tyler
“That boy straight up sank like Krist Novoselic’s credibility. It was an incredibly devastating day for our family, but we got so rich from the court-mandated album royalties that it pretty much made up for it.”
 – Jonathan Preet, Tyler’s Father 

Baby Alicia
“I was saddened when I heard the news that me and my baby were not going to be famous from this album cover. Thankfully, a couple of years later my other two daughters were featured on the Smashing Pumpkins ‘Siamese Dream’ album, so my lifelong dream of exploiting my kids for financial gain and attention came true after all. Fun fact: We actually had the girls surgically sewn together for the shoot, but you can’t even see it!”
 – Alicia Riedel, Mother of Baby Alicia and The Alicia Twins 

Baby Evan
“Kurt once personally called me to apologize and told me that he wrote a tribute song for little Evan called ‘Heart-Shaped Box’ that was going to be on the next album. But after reading the lyrics a few hundred times, I still don’t get what he was trying to say. Kurt was either a mad genius or had no idea how to write lyrics.”
 – Robert Livingston, Baby Evan’s agent

Baby Gorilla
“After the first batch of babies drowned by lunchtime, we decided to shake things up and throw an animal into the mix. Turns out, gorillas don’t swim. If only we had the internet back then to give it a quick Google beforehand. Long story short, the zoo was pretty upset when we told them that we accidentally murdered Boo Boo Bunsons. Whoopsies.”

“Thank god the next baby we flung into the pool worked out because we only had so many babies budgeted with the record company.”
 – Alec Gains, prop master 

Punk Musician Skips Heroin Phase and Goes Directly Into Sanctimonious Vegan, Yoga, Advice-Giving Phase

Posted on by Stephen Bell

AUSTIN, Texas — Punk musician Miles Finney is forgoing a descent into heroin addiction and skipping right ahead to being a sanctimonious, advice-giving vegan yogi, sources close to the musician report.

“I just figured that poppy seeds belong in my soy yogurt and not in my veins,” said Finney, his nose in the air. “Yoga, along with a vegan diet, has really helped me stay clean and off drugs. Not that I was ever on drugs, but it’s given me a perspective that needs to be shared. It’s like I’ve always said, ‘I know why the caged bird sings.’ You might remember that from a song I wrote last year called ‘Caged Birds.’”

Family members are concerned by the condescending turn Finney has taken.

“I’m relieved Miles never got into hard drugs. It would have been tough to stage an intervention, or worse, have him overdose and lose him,” stated his mother Rosalynn Finney. “But I never imagined I’d have to stage an intervention to stop him from being such a raging tool. At least with heroin, the person is cagey and doesn’t talk your ear off about how great it is. Now he won’t shut up about how downward dogging and veggie burgers can cure my sciatica.”

Unfortunately, Miles’ new lifestyle has also put strain on his relationship with his bandmates.

“When Miles pitched a song called ‘Killer H,’ I obviously thought it was going to be about heroin,” said drummer Shanna Curie. “But the ‘H’ is a reference to hamburgers. I mean, yeah… I guess high cholesterol from too much red meat is a bad thing, but the line, ‘Heat up the spoon and inject the burger king into your veins’ is just shitty writing.”

“Miles thinks he’s so much better than us because he’s exercising regularly, eating well, and not in and out of the hospital because of out of control drug use like we are,” agreed bassist Matt McInerney. “I mean, he’s probably right, but get the fuck off your high horse already.”

At press time, Finney was lecturing lions at the local zoo about their poor stretching and eating habits.

Man Trying to Binge All Star Trek Controversies

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CARMEL, Ind. — Using the ample time that has been provided to him due to quarantine and work-from-home, local resident Derek Carter sat down to finally work his way through every controversy, canon change, plot hole, and political bias in the Star Trek franchise.

“I really wanted to do a deep dive, so I started with the original series with the Kirk-Uhura interracial kiss. I raged about its liberal agenda for about an hour after that,” Carter said. “But I am not going to stick to just the left-wing episodes. I’m excited to get to the Next Generation episode with the all-black Ligonians and their ‘backwards’ ways. I also hear there is a pro-terrorism episode in TNG that sounds really tonedeaf. Can’t wait to dig into that.”

Carter’s friends, however, feel he might burn out before he finishes.

“He hasn’t even gotten to DS9 yet, which has a black captain; a, basically, trans character; and the reveal of Section 31. I am sure he is going to be upset about the Bell Riots,” said Jamie Walton, friend and Trekkie. “I don’t think he can handle Discovery and all of the changes to the Trek canon that show caused—bald Klingons and a bearded Spock are the least of his worries.”

Trek producer Rick Berman felt that what Carter was undertaking might be dangerous.

“No man was meant to take all that mess in one sitting, that’s why it was released week-by-week,” Berman said. “I mean he’ll have to wrestle with the lizard Voyager episode, gay conversion therapy episode of Next Generation, not to mention he’ll have to wrestle with my own statements on queer characters in Trek. He’s going to have an aneurysm before this is over.”

Carter has stated that after his Trek binge, he plans to critique all ten seasons of Stargate SG-1 and its spinoffs, by which point scientists will surely have developed a vaccine.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: