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Not to Be a ‘Devil’s Advocate,’ but the Dark Lord Has His Claws Deep Within Me and I Must Do His Bidding

Hey there. I can’t help but notice you’ve been sharing lots of articles and images about the George Floyd protests, COVID-19, Donald Trump’s incompetent presidency, and other current events.

Now, I don’t want to be a “devil’s advocate” as they say, but about two weeks ago I read an ancient scripture in an abandoned cathedral, and now Satan himself is using me as a vessel of flesh to communicate with earthbound mortals.

I thought it was quite noble of you to share a video explaining how police disproportionately target minority communities alongside a #BlackLivesMatter hashtag, but I can assure you that in the eyes of the almighty Lucifer, no lives matter, humans are inherently filth, and they all deserve to rot in the fiery pits of Hell for all of eternity.

As for that infographic you shared about how masks prevent asymptomatic transmission of COVID-19, I hope it persuaded some ignorant people to wear them. However, there is no mask that can save you weak repugnant fools from where you’re going. Your pink lungs and flimsy textiles are no match for the toxic fumes of the netherworld.

Now the Trump presidency, well, that one’s a tad embarrassing. Let’s just say that God lost a drinking bet and things got out of hand.  Making him president was pretty fucking evil, even for Satan. Sorry ‘bout that.

I’m sure when you read “devil’s advocate,” you thought that I was going to share out-of-context statistics, things I misheard on a podcast, and fringe conservative conspiracy theories that can easily be debunked. You may be glad to know that the Devil hates the people that do that just as much as you. In fact, there is a special place in Hell reserved for them. The #BlueLivesMatter people are forced to lick an actual boot until their tongues fall off. It’s as funny as it sounds.

So yes, while I don’t want to be a “devil’s advocate,” I’m presently being consumed by Beelzebub’s satanic powers and have no semblance of autonomy left. I encourage you to make all of the woke social media posts you want, but just remember that IN NOMINE DEI NOSTRI SATANAS LUCIFERI EXCELSI!