The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Lady Antebellum Changes Name to Washington Redskins

Posted on July 20, 2020 by Bibek Gurung

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — The embattled country group formerly known as Lady Antebellum, and more recently Lady A, has finally settled on a new name and will now be called “The Washington Redskins.”

“Not only do we want to put the litigation behind the name Lady A behind us, but we also feel strongly it’s important to be good allies, at least to one ethnic group at a time. And we thought calling ourselves the Washington Redskins made sense for us, since nobody else is using that name anymore and I’m actually part Cherokee,” said singer Hillary Scott, a claim she later admitted was based on family lore rather than DNA evidence or Tribal records. “We think this name change will be a good move for us — I already ran it by my Black friend.”

“Well, not really a friend, but the only Black person on our road crew,” added Scott. “I forget her name.”

Fans were initially disappointed when the group bowed to public pressure and changed their name to Lady A — a name that already belonged to soul musician Anita White — but the same fans fully support the latest change.

“Everyone who demanded the name change does not understand how important heritage is to country music. I mean, it’s almost like having all these Confederate monuments all over the place didn’t really teach them any history,” said Bobbie Gish, a diehard fan from Savannah. “Changing their name to the Washington Redskins proves they aren’t a bunch of cucks. That football team might be dead to me, but this band is more important to me now than ever. Mainly because it pisses off liberals.”

Ownership of the Washington, D.C.-based football team supported the band’s decision as well.

“I hated changing our beautiful name, which was not a slur but merely a tribute to the savages that once roamed this country,” said team owner Dan Snyder. “We’re going to call ourselves something else with a lot of name recognition that no one else will be using: going forward, we will be the Washington Aunt Jemimas.”

The controversy settled, the Washington Redskins are now looking forward to just playing that one song they’re known for at country fairs across the south for years to come.

How Could I Be Privileged When Some of My Best Friends Are Suffering?

Posted on July 20, 2020 by Dan Rice

Someone told me that I need to “check my privilege” recently, so I did. I checked it, and you know what I found? I’m not as lucky and fortunate as everyone seems to think I am.

People, and by people I mean poors, assume that I live in a bubble because my needs have always been met and I’ve never wanted for anything a day in my life. Well if I live in such a bubble, why have I been surrounded by people in desperate need of the resources I’ve always taken for granted?

I grew up in one of the poorest towns in Connecticut. My Dad made us live there so that he could fulfill his dream of being the richest man in town, like the bad guy from “Roadhouse.”

I was the only kid on my street who had an N64, and all of the other kids were forced to obey my sadistic rules just to play it for 10 minutes. It was sad. I mean, the stuff I made them do was really funny, but like the situation was sad, objectively.

One kid in my neighborhood was so poor he died. I never bothered to learn details beyond that really, but that’s how my dad explained it.

When I say that some of my best friends are struggling, I mean my absolute best friends. Friends who are more like family. People I would do anything for. Well, you know not anything but like, you know what I mean.

Sure I may not be directly impacted by economic disparity, but the people who work for me sure are, and I consider them to be some of my very best friends! I remind them all that we are a family at every mandatory staff meeting, and I even call them my “coworkers”, not my underlings. And I say it like I mean it!

Despite the fact that I pay them competitively to run the barcade I started because I was bored, these friends I hired can barely make ends meet. More than once I’ve seen my friends show up late because their car broke down and they couldn’t afford to fix it. That would never happen to me of course, when one car breaks I just call a junk removal place and start-up one of the others, but the people directly around me? Not so lucky.

Every day I’ve had to fire a friend of mine for being late has been one of the saddest days of my life.

Even some of my old college friends are barely scraping a living paycheck to paycheck. Not anyone in my frat obviously, you had to have old money connections to get in, but pretty much every science major I knew is fucked now. Last week I walked into a coffee shop and realized the barista was a fellow alumnus. It made me really sad! I almost left a $20 in the tip jar, but I decided it might embarrass them. Plus I never tip, like, ever. Gross.

JNCO Introduces Face Mask That Covers Entire Body

Posted on July 20, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

LOS ANGELES — Clothing brand JNCO released a line of protective face masks yesterday that effectively cover the wearer’s entire body, matching the label’s trademark loose and baggy fit for pants.

“I’ve tried to stay home for the entire pandemic to be safe, but when I heard JNCO made face masks, I ran to Hot Topic as soon as humanly possible,” stated Jason Hadrick, an avid JNCO patron since the ’90s. “They’re awesome: super heavy denim, and so loose you can almost use them as an umbrella. I can’t wait for a second wave of Corona, where we go back to phase one of reopening so I can show off all my sick masks. My mom is even ironing a psychedelic mushroom patch onto one.”

A JNCO spokesperson expressed excitement about the new specialty line.

“If we’re gonna bring back JNCO in a really huge way, we need to be the first ones to jump on face mask fashion. We’re bringing our signature style to your mouth and nose, and because it’s JNCO, your entire torso, legs, and feet as well,” representative Andrew Jacovou said. “These things are so loose, you could fit a whole other person underneath them. We kicked around those pre-ripped jean styles too, but apparently the market research came back negative, so it’s a pass… for now.”

Meanwhile, Dr. Laura Hersch of the CDC confirmed that while the JNCO face masks are not medical grade, their aesthetic design makes them surprisingly protective.

“The material is not ideal — some droplets can still get through — but because the masks are so ridiculous looking, most people will stand only close enough to film the person wearing them for a few seconds, which is far more effective in protecting them from droplets and aerosols,” Hersch said. “And when JNCO includes a pair of rollerblades with the mask, it will only make them that much more effective at encouraging people to keep at least 25 feet of distance, if not more.”

In related news, Old Navy is introducing cargo-style face masks this week, which give the wearer a few extra pockets and are marketed as “both stylish and practical.”

Man Tasked With Making Score for a Monkey Riding a Swordfish Underwater Creates Transcendent Piece of Music

Posted on July 19, 2020 by Tyler Simpson

COALVILLE, U.K. — Donkey Kong Country’s recent addition to the Nintendo Switch Online SNES collection has fans and audiophiles alike appreciating ‘Aquatic Ambience,’ the absolutely transcendent piece of music composer David Wise provided when asked to score a level where a monkey rides a swordfish around underwater.

“They came to me about the idea of a level with Diddy riding Enguarde below the sea, not worrying about air or anything, just slaughtering fish and snatching ‘nanas,” said Wise reflecting on his iconic work 26 years ago. “I said to them, ‘I’m not going to score a monkey riding a swordfish, I’m going to score your goddamn heart and soul riding a swordfish!”

Wise revealed that his process was more involved than most of his other work on video game soundtracks over the years. Inspired to create something special, he embarked to the Great Coral Reef in search of inspiration for the piece.

“I ended up dropping about 8 tabs of acid the first day I was there,” he said. “I took off all of my clothes except for a red tie and went snorkeling. I found a swordfish and looked it dead in the eye. The swordfish then turned its back and signaled to me with its tail to hop on board. I rode that dude for 12 hours straight. When I came home, the song flowed out of me. At that moment, I was merely a seismograph, recording the vibrations of my experience.”

By all accounts, the team working on Donkey Kong Country were very pleased with Wise’s contributions, particularly ‘Aquatic Ambience.’

“We cannot stress enough how little expectations we had for this level that was mostly meant to introduce Enguarde. We expected maybe a little silly saxophone riff or some xylophone,” said Tim Stamper, co-founder of Rare, his eyes welling with tears. “I’m sorry. Every time I think of that song I get worked up. It is the soundtrack to eternity, of all us creatures floating in an endless sea of time and space searching for our own meaning.”

At time of reporting, Dave Wise is currently on an ayahuasca trip in the Amazon in preparation for an untitled project which he could only reveal, “involves a monkey in a ballcap shooting itself out of a barrel and into a tree to collect bananas.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Fortnite Adds Kevin James’ Dance From Hitch Into Game

Posted on July 19, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

CARY, N.C. — Following the release of the viral TikTok Renegade dance as DLC content for their hit third person shooter Fortnite, Epic has announced that they are also adding Kevin James’ dance from the 2005 romantic comedy film ‘Hitch’ as an emote in the game.

“A lot of people think that it’s just little kids who play Fortnite, but there’s a whole range of players. We want our older, sadder players to also have a chance to express themselves in their favorite video game,” said Design Lead Eric Williamson. “Many of those players see Kevin James’ character Albert Brennaman as a role model — I think that, without a doubt, if Albert Brennaman existed today he would play Fortnite and he would buy the ‘Hitch’ emote.”

“And don’t worry, this thing isn’t gonna be the full $20,” Williamson added. “We know most older players can’t break the bank like some of the kids who play our games. I don’t know where it’s coming from, but the deepness of their pockets seemingly has no end.”

When reached for comment, Kevin James was unaware that his dance from the movie was being added to Fortnite.

“Look, if I’m getting paid to be in it, then that’s great,” James said. “But if I’m not getting paid, then the lawsuit is certainly already in motion, and that’s great too. It’s nice to know that a whole new generation of fans will be introduced to my embarrassing dance moves from ‘Hitch,’ which I imagine they will all emulate on Ticker Tocker [sic]. I just want young people to know who I am again. There hasn’t been a ‘Grown Ups’ in so long.”

At press time, thousands of young Fortnite players flooded the YouTube page for Hitch (2005) Official Trailer 1 – Will Smith Movie to comment “holy shit i can’t believe they made the dance from fortnite real.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Friend Who Finally Has Time to Finish Novel Won’t

Posted on July 19, 2020 by Eric Navarro

DURHAM, N.C. — Aspiring author Steve Otto finally has time during a self-imposed coronavirus quarantine to complete his novel which, according to friends and family, he “absolutely won’t, not a chance in hell.”

“Steve has been talking about this stupid fucking book since college. I swear to God, if he talks about ‘finally having the life experience’ to finish the thing, I’m going to jump off a bridge,” said Otto’s longtime girlfriend Jenn Haven. “When the pandemic started I thought he might actually have a chance at doing the work, but three months in and all he does is take pictures of his vintage typewriter and post it on Instagram saying, ‘another day at the office.’ I never had an interest in reading the stupid book, but nowadays I’m looking forward to it more than ‘The Winds of Winter.’”

Otto’s parents say there is a never-ending trail of unfinished projects their son has left behind.

“Our boy was always such an ideas person, and always lacked follow through,” said Otto’s mother Joan. “He made the baseball team but quit before the first practice; he’d sign up for talent shows but drop out minutes before the performance. And not to be crass, but in his teenage years I found many solitary socks in his bed sheets… but never a yellow stain to be seen! He’s nothing like his brother — that guy always finished. We had to replace mattresses because he was so busy.”

Despite concerns from those close to him, Otto claimed he knows when to quit working on a project.

“I don’t know what everyone’s talking about. I’ve finished every project I ever started,” Otto said. “The thing is, some people define ‘finished’ as ‘when the project is completed and ready for others to see.’ I view a project as completed when I get praise for telling people about it. It’s a matter of perspective — others may see it as a letdown, but personally I feel fulfilled as hell.”

At press time, Otto announced on Instagram live that he would be releasing an emo-trap album and promised it will be finished by the summer of 2044.

Black Woman’s Phone Storage Now 86% Messages from White Friends

Posted on July 19, 2020 by Malcolm Whitfield

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local marketing associate and Black person Imani Phillips found yesterday that her iPhone X’s storage is almost entirely full of overly supportive messages from well-meaning white colleagues.

“I guess I understand that white guilt is a thing, but this is actually messing with my life,” reported Phillips, whose phone has been on “Do Not Disturb” for the last three weeks. “They all say something like, ‘Hope you’re OK in these trying times,’ or ‘Stay safe, I’m here for you.’ I just got one from my boss from like, two jobs ago, saying, ‘Your soul is valid.’ I don’t even know what that means. I keep deleting pictures and apps, but my messages just fill back up the same day. It’s almost worse than them saying nothing — at least then I could download a movie on Netflix or something.”

While at first the messages came from close friends, the check-ins are reportedly now coming from “total randos” and people she barely remembers.

“It’s been hard for me to turn on the news and not think of Imani, and how she must be feeling these days. I figured just a ‘Thinking of you’ text would let her know I’m in her corner,” said Brennan Mulrooney, saved in Phillips’ phone as “Brandon Tinder.” “I mean, I haven’t seen her in a year or so, but I’d check in on any of the Blacks I know. Or, wait — People of Color, right? Black People of Color. Look, I’m a nice guy.”

Ongoing reports show Phillips is not alone, as Black people all over the country noted an overwhelming amount of misdirected encouragement causing problems on their Android and iOS devices.

“This is truly an issue unlike anything I’ve ever seen,” admitted Samir Shadi, a customer service representative at Apple. “In the last month, the majority of the calls I’m taking are how to mute messages from specifically white people, which of course isn’t an option. I keep recommending people add more storage to their device, but apparently two terabytes aren’t enough to contain the sheer volume of these texts coming in.”

Phillips has since changed her phone number, redirecting the line to an automated message stating that she is “touched by your bravery and compassion as a white ally.” “This is just easier,” Phillips said. “This way, everyone gets what they want.”

Opinion: The Filter of My Pall Mall 100 Is More Effective Than Any Face Mask

Posted on July 19, 2020 by Dan Rice

I’m tired of catching shit for not “doing my part” just because I do things differently. Now that the government has given up on fighting coronavirus it’s up to us, I get that. That’s why I switched to Pall Mall Red 100’s bro.

Look at this filter. Look at it! That’s a solid inch of cotton and fiberglass or whatever the fuck. Now look at your dumb ass mask. Look at how thin that shit is dude. Now who’s being “irresponsible and reckless?”

Yeah, that’s a real clean looking mask you got there. Know why it’s clean? Because it’s not doing its fucking job yo! Check this out, look at how brown this filter gets. Look at all the shit this thing filters out! And that’s just from breathing through it for two minutes!

Hey, we all need to make sacrifices right now. I hate this fucking thing. It pulls like shit, it’s not satisfying and I’m pretty sure that I’m losing a certain percentage of the nicotine I paid for. But we’re all #strongertogether or whatever the fuck so you won’t catch me without a smoke in my mouth for the next six months or so.

Maybe instead of asking me why I’m not wearing my dumb ass mask at the grocery store, you should be asking why this dumb ass grocery store won’t let me smoke my protective cigarette. Seriously yo, people used to smoke in the store all the time back in the ‘60s and NO ONE had coronavirus.

I honestly don’t understand why you dumb fucks think those masks are so healthy in the first place. I tried smoking one and I coughed for like an hour yo.

Punk Band More of a Punk DnD Group Now

Posted on July 19, 2020 by Pete GK

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk band Bait and Snitch admitted today that they are really now more of a punk Dungeons and Dragons group now after being unable to play any live shows for the past three months.

“When all the venues shut down and we couldn’t play anymore, we were totally bummed. We were just starting to get booked on more shows and hoped to tour for the first time this year,” said Bait And Snitch frontwoman Leah “Mac Attack” McDonnell while painting a new miniature of her character. “Our guitarist never shuts the fuck up about DnD, so we figured we’d give that a shot over video calls. Turns out it fucking rules. Can’t go outside in real life? Let’s go outside in the game. Can’t play live shows yet? Let’s play the lute in front of a packed tavern in our minds. This has been a real game-changer for us.”

Unfortunately, not all Bait and Snitch members are happy with the change. Bass player and defacto Dungeon Master Billie Wydar has run up against countless obstacles while leading the game.

“I give them a simple mission with clear clues on how to proceed, and instantly they’re stabbing guards and trying to sleep with anything vaguely human,” Wydar explained. “I guess it’s still more fun than practice, though — we usually just played the same Operation Ivy covers for two hours, and then either got drunk or debated if we should all try cocaine. I lost track of time during our last game session, but the sun came up at some point.”

Cultural anthropologist and local punk legend Dr. Ron Masterson noted that this sort of crossover is not that uncommon.

“For many people, when they cannot access a space of comfort first hand, they seek other means of finding that comfort,” Masterson explained over video conference. “Punks spend large amounts of their time in small, damp, dimly lit DIY Venues, and what is a DIY venue but a dungeon? What is a door guy, but a miniboss? What is the exposure they are paid in, but experience points?”

Bait and Snitch may return to playing shows if and when venues open up and they finish their current campaign, titled “Elven Democracy.”

GI Joe Tribunal Refuses Snow Job’s Request for Alias Change

Posted on July 18, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — An internal tribunal has reached a decision and will not grant GI Joe member Snow Job his requested change of alias to something less sexually suggestive.

“This is a dark day for the GI Joe program,” reflected Snow Job, wearing his signature winter gear while speaking to the press following today’s decision. “While other members of my brigade have gone on to lucrative careers and cult status thanks largely in part to awesome names like Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, I have been saddled with a lousy weather pun that invokes a sex act more than anything cool or heroic . I will be appealing this decision to the fullest extent of my power.”

The decision comes following a public showing of support for Snow Job, who recently began lobbying for the change amid various changes being made to longstanding names of several prominent teams and groups.

“Man, it’s just not fair,” said GI Joe devotee Chris Harris, who was one of over 200,000 people to sign an online petition supporting Snow Job’s request. “My man is a real American hero, but is straight up stuck with a name that is impossible to say without thinking about someone sucking a dick. Like, I’m not even trying to be funny. To saddle him with a name like that is a greater crime than anything Cobra Commander ever did if you ask me.”

The tribunal, consisting of senior Joe officials Sgt. Slaughter, Flint, Duke, Beach Head, Law, and his dog Order, ruled unanimously to block Snow Job from changing his official alias to his new preferred handle, Iceberg. The decision was reportedly motivated by tradition, among other things.

“No way that maggot gets to change his handle just ‘cause he doesn’t like it,” said Sgt. Slaughter, shortly after the meeting adjourned so that one of the tribunal members could be let outside. “Not only is it not the way we do things around here, but do you know what it would cost us to replace all the merchandise we’ve already shipped? If he had his way he’d cost us an arm and a leg, and if I had my way I’d rip his stinkin’ head off!”

As of press time, the latest surprise attack from Cobra brought Sgt. Slaughter’s press conference to a screeching halt.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

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