129 Clowns Test Positive for Coronavirus After Riding in Same Tiny Car

Posted on by Tyler Dark

CINCINNATI — Over 100 professionally trained clowns tested positive for COVID-19 last week after riding together in the same tiny car during the city’s annual Clown and Circus Summit, panicked sources confirmed.

“It was mayhem,” said Dr. Lennon Ortega, resident cardiologist at St. Legion’s Hospital, where the clowns were treated. “When a customized VW Bug parked outside the ER entrance, we all just thought it looked kind of funny… until a passenger door opened and clowns spilled out like biscuit dough. They filled every bed we had in 10 minutes, and that was only half the problem — getting these guys identified was a whole other ordeal. We’d ask for their names, and they’d throw pies in our faces or hand us flowers which, to our bewilderment, squirted us with water.”

The clowns did their best to remain upbeat despite the scary diagnosis and impending quarantine.

“Holy baloney, I got the Coron-ey!” said “Slappy” Jim Bob Clemens, one of the many clowns infected. “What a whoopsie-daisy this is! Most of these masks won’t go over my red nose, and nobody laughs when I do a honk-honk with my little horn. I just hope these doctors don’t mind the extra-long handkerchief I have stuffed in my mouth — all we want to do is bring a little joy to everyone we see. But like they always say, ‘A clown can’t be a clown if he’s choking to death on his own fluids.’”

Sadly, ringmasters throughout the tri-state area are now without work and scrambling to make ends meet.

“The clowns were just the beginning: everyone from the Russian acrobats to the guy selling cotton candy are showing symptoms,” lamented Sanjay Robinson, owner and ringmaster of Sanjay’s Big Top Circus. “Everyone in the business is struggling right now. I’ve heard my Bearded Lady is now doing some of that OnlyFans stuff. And some of the other clowns have been selling foot pics — I guess folks want to see what’s inside those giant shoes.”

Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine has since changed Ohio’s state of emergency declaration to strongly recommend that no more than 50 clowns travel in the same itty-bitty vehicle.

Husband Critiques Accuracy of Wife’s Sexy Slave Leia Outfit to Orgasm

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

DECATUR, Ga. — Local husband and self-described Star Wars aficionado Benny Butler critiqued a ‘sexy Slave Leia’ costume his wife, Erica Butler, had purchased to the point of climax, sources within the Butler home confirm. 

“I was really hurt when he started telling me that Leia didn’t wear her hair in the ‘buns’ style when she was a slave in the worm guy’s fort,” Erica Butler said. “I worked really hard getting them just right, which was upsetting. But then I saw that he was really turned on by correcting the flaws in my outfit, so I just went with it. I was doing this for his birthday anyway, so whatever gets him off I guess. And boy, did he get off.”

Benny, surprisingly, couldn’t have been happier with the errors.

“First off, the brassiere is supposed to be brass, not gold. And the fabric coming off the bottom of my wife’s costume was maroon when, in the film, it was clearly more of a plum. Not to mention that the arm band clearly swirls in a counterclockwise rotation on the top,” Benny said while growing visibly more excited just remembering the costume’s flaws. “She didn’t even bolt the chain around her neck, she looped it around her waist instead. Not every guy is lucky enough to have a wife willing to get so many cosplay details incorrect just to make him happy.”

Marriage therapist Kendra Cunningham, Ph.D. says this is a sign of a healthy marriage.

“Everyone has their fetishes. To feel comfortable enough with your partner to explore the more unusual aspects of your sexuality is wonderful,” Dr. Cunningham explained. “I personally become aroused by my partner’s poor recapping of Battlestar: Galactica episodes.”

For their anniversary, Benny plans to help Erica explore her Expanse curiosity.

Fuck It: Gamers Canceled

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

WORLDWIDE — The Super Smash Bros. community is in shock today after dozens of people came forward with sexual assault and pedophilia allegations against many, high-profile players like — you know what, I’m so tired. Gamers are canceled. All of them. Fuck it.

I mean, Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to write this story this week? It feels like it’s been two years since I reported on the Ubisoft executives who were put on leave due to misconduct accusations. It’s been, like, five days! And that’s barely even a footnote anymore!

Holy shit, we could just run a headline that says “Minors Can’t Consent to Sex With Adults” and that would be considered video game news. Sure, it’s something that should be instilled in every single adult on the planet from an early age, but we would have to tag it on our website as part of the Super Smash Bros. topic!

And what about Dr. Disrespect! We still don’t know what this fucking guy did to get banned from Twitch. Do you know how hard it is for someone like that to get PERMANENTLY BANNED from Twitch? Did this guy fucking kill somebody? I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

So, look, I think the easiest solution here is just to cancel all gamers. Between developers, streamers, and competitive players, there’s a new horrific story to read every day. What if we just cut the issue off at its knees and deplatform all gamers? Sounds like a no brainer to me.

Okay, sure, we might lose some people like Markiplier, who seem pretty okay. But on the flipside, this would finally end PewDiePie’s career. Remember when he dropped a racial slur on a stream three years ago? That same guy just signed an exclusive streaming deal with YouTube in May. Get the fuck outta here. 

Plus, we don’t even know about the Markipliers of the world. The gaming community is a ticking time bomb counting down to the moment that we find out the personalities we enjoy are absolute fucking monsters.

Sorry to say but that means all of your favorite developers are going to need to close their doors too. No more Riot Games. Sayonara, Naughty Dog! It might sound sad, but hey, if no one’s making games anymore, then we won’t run the risk of anyone else becoming a gamer, so that’s a win.

As a gamer myself, I will be taking this time to be with my family, in hopes that I may beat this someday.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s Legal Team Claims She Is A Scholar Athlete With Bright Future

Posted on by Tyler Dark

BRADFORD, N.H. — Lawyers representing Ghislaine Maxwell, a confidant of disgraced financier Jefferey Epstein, are asking for leniency against their client noting her athletic background and how these charges could damage her future prospects, officials confirmed.

“Ms. Maxwell is only 58-years-old and if she faces a long jail sentence it could hurt her chances to play tennis at a semi-professional level. She’s been taking lessons with some of the top players in various fields — even some former presidents. Now is the time for her to finally take her skills to the next level,” said Maxwell’s lawyer Arthur Lavoy. “The defendant is also a well-respected member of the community who is active in many youth outreach programs. After talking with my client it’s clear that her casual wine drinking may have led to her lack of judgment when grooming young women to involve in an international sex ring.”

Advocates for the victims of Epstein and Maxwell were quick to condemn the lawyer’s tactics.

“We already know that the courts are broken when it comes to sexual assault cases, but this is a new low. This woman should be locked up and we need to throw away the key before anyone else gets hurt,” said social worker Kiran Muni. “I feel like I’m going crazy here, does anyone expect her to go on to have a long athletic career after this? The only thing I could see her excelling at in the future is yelling at the clerk at the Target returns counter and demanding a full refund even though the product she’s returning is heavily damaged.”

At press time prison wardens across the country are already preparing cells for Maxwell’s imminent suicide.

30-Year-Old Undergoes Risky Surgery to Remove Scally Cap From Head

Posted on by John Dixon

QUINCY, Mass. — Local 30-year-old Danny Sullivan went under the knife this morning for a dangerous operation to remove the seemingly permanent scally cap from his skull.

“I had long, shaggy hair until I was like, 27, and then I had to get a reasonable haircut because it started to thin out. I felt naked, so I started wearing this cap because I thought it made me look kind of tough,” said Sullivan from the recovery room. “At first it was just a fashion statement, but as time went on, I found myself taking it off less and less… to the point I was even wearing it to the gym, in the shower, and to bed. And now, after years of that, it’s basically been bonded to my head by all the accumulated sweat, oil, and dandruff trapped underneath it.”

“This operation is my last chance to live a normal life free of the stigma of perpetually wearing a black, limited edition ‘Boondock Saints’ scally cap,” Sullivan added, fighting back tears.

While Sullivan’s loving girlfriend Jane Schneider is worried about the procedure, she understands the essential nature of the operation.

“If they botch this, he could have a Frankenstein scar all the way around his head, or get scalped, or worse,” Schneider said. “But there’s no way we could stay together otherwise — I can’t make a life with a man forever in a scally cap. Just imagine the wedding pictures: each groomsmen would have had to wear a similar hat, and it’d look like I was marrying the Dropkick Murphy’s road crew. That’s not a life for me.”

Surgeon Dr. Samuel Edison, a luminary in the field of cranial medicine, led Sullivan’s surgery.

“The removal of a scally cap is a rare procedure that brings with it a lot of risks, both during and after the operation,” he said. “However, last year we successfully removed a knit cap from the skull of a 21-year-old, so I felt confident going in that this operation would work as well… though it was complicated by the fact that the hat was not fitted, and instead had an elastic band. Horrific stuff.”

Following his successful procedure, Sullivan was transferred to a rehab facility, where he will begin his transition to a balding, bespectacled man with a buzz cut and perpetual 5 o’clock shadow.

5 DIY Fixes for the Thumping Heartbeat Beneath the Floorboard That Keeps Growing Louder and Louder

Posted on by Tucker Leighty-Phillips

With all the time spent around the house these days, many people are finding creative ways to perform simple home maintenance projects around the house. But what about the more difficult projects, like the thumping heartbeat beneath your floorboards?

Yes, the auditory hallucinations of a guilt-ridden mind are no match for the combination of a DIY attitude and a little bit of know-how. Here are five ways you can keep your secrets buried and maybe even spruce up the place a little doing it!

Trick 1: Try moving something heavy over the spot, like a hutch or a china cabinet. If your heavily-increasing heartbeat is in the center of the room, consider placing a large couch or coffee table above it. With the right amount of decorating know-how, you can create a centerpiece that ties a room together and keeps the room’s secrets!

Trick 2: Flooring styles are updating frequently, and what was popular a few years ago may be out of fashion today. Consider coving up those tacky, hardwood boards with some nice, new tile, maybe a chic ceramic look—or why not something heavy, like cement? Sure it looks a bit drab, but it’ll certainly stop that dreadful, beating thud and keep out wandering eyes!

Trick 3: Consider putting your stereo in the room with the noise. If the stereo is playing, it’ll drown out any other noise that may be emanating from the room. Vacuum the room often. Vacuum the room all day. Run your blender continuously while your stereo blasts Burzum at full volume. Throw parties and encourage lots of singing and little snooping. The less they know, the better!

Trick 4: Consider purchasing a new house. The market is about to crash given the current state of the economy, which is a great opportunity for guilt-ridden buyers. Consider leaving a candle lit near a wool carpet in your current house while you step out for a few hours. You took out a hefty insurance policy, right? Maybe a fresh start is exactly what you need. Maybe a name change too. Anything to make that vile, beating heart stop pounding, louder and louder. Anything to draw the image of his evil eye out of your mind.

Trick 5: Is the house burning yet? Try calling the police. Admit your crime, you killed him, you couldn’t stand the look of that evil eye. Tell them to tear up the floorboards. Ask them—do they hear it, too? Or is it just you? Why won’t the beating stop?

Opening Band Plays to Crowd of Their Own Cars at Drive-In Show

Posted on by Bobby Korec

BOSTON — Longtime opening band English Degrees played to a crowd of their own vehicles at a local drive-in show last night thanks to a disappointing early turnout at the event, witnesses who arrived supremely late confirmed.

“Technically, this was the largest spectacle we’ve ever played to,” said bassist Jenny Crullivan, pushing a pile of garbage from her front passenger seat onto the car floor. “Sure, not one person was inside any of our cars during the set, and I couldn’t help but stare at the horrendously filthy conditions of my jalopy’s interior the whole time… but it was just nice to play to something other than the bereft void of existential nothingness for a change. If anything, the free exposure to the lone parking attendant could really pay off in the long run.”

Sadly, some of Crullivan’s band members disagreed.

“Do you have any idea what it’s like to waste your perfectly rehearsed stage banter on a bunch of empty Ford Escorts?” said singer Arnold Anthisse, from his mother’s “borrowed” car. “I tried to stall the start of the show as long as I could to give more time for stragglers to show up, but somehow, traffic always ruins everyone’s ability to be punctual and catch our set. That could be the only reasonable explanation why no one ever comes on time to see us.”

Experts wonder whether bands can find innovative ways to entice people to attend future drive-in shows.

“Opening bands have a legitimate opportunity to get creative and make it look like people are actually interested in them,” show booker Jay Sonodman said. “Rent a couple of cars from Avis, steal your parents’ cars, throw some cardboard cutouts of Danny Devito in the back seats and rig them up to some strings ‘Home Alone’-style, and you got yourself a legitimate-looking audience size from afar. That’s way easier than trying to persuade your friends to come see your shitty band anyway. For musicians today, it’s all about appearing like you have a following — actually enjoying your music is woefully irrelevant.”

At the show’s close, bartenders were seen staying long past their shifts to help showgoers jumpstart their cars after many accidentally left their interior lights on for hours.

Artist Not Accepting Furry Commissions Must Be Absolutely Loaded

Posted on by Aaron Weerasinghe

LOS ANGELES — Popular online artist Gabe Sell announced he is accepting commissions but specified he will not do furry art, leading many to speculate about his apparent aversion to making money.

“I don’t want to assume anything about his financial situation, but this guy’s probably loaded,” said colorist Cynthia Chan. “He must be doing commissions for fun or something because he’s actively turning down cash. Furry commissions aren’t the end of the world, but it’s a major privilege to not have to do them. He’s gotta come from oil money or some shit.”

Others in the artist community expressed similar sentiments about their peer’s inscrutable business decisions.

“It’s an open secret that the only way to actually make money doing art is to do furry art,” explained self-described “furry-adjacent” illustrator Gus Azad, whose muscular, anthropomorphic tiger pin-ups helped pay off his student debt.  “It doesn’t really matter if you’re into it or not. One, two sexy werewolves on the beach or some NSFW of that wolf guy from Beastars, and boom! That could be three months’ rent.”

Reports indicate many of his Patreon subscribers are also perturbed by the implications of Sell’s commission post.

“I’m wondering if my money is better spent on independent artists who might need it more,” said Christian Alvarado, long time fan of Sell. “I love his work, but as someone who can’t draw a voluptuous fox to save their life, I’m a little tight on cash. Besides, he probably doesn’t need an extra source of income if he’s passing up on the fat stacks the furry community has to offer.”

While Sell was unavailable for comment, many speculate that he may be financing himself through other means as indicated by the tendency of his artwork to feature painstakingly rendered feet. 

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Young Link Shaken After Seeing What a Loser Virgin He Grows Up to Be

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

HYRULE — Feeling completely shaken after pulling the Master Sword from its pedestal, unlocking the path to the Sacred Realm and traveling seven years into the future, the Hero of Time, Link, reportedly traveled back to the past immediately after seeing what a loser virgin he grows up to be, sources confirmed.

“That was absolutely terrifying,” said Link, still reeling from traveling seven years forward and then immediately backwards to where he’d begun. “I mean, did you see how fucking lame I looked? I know I’m not the coolest 9-year-old around, but I expected I’d get my shit together at least a little bit by the time I’m a teenager. Like, what was up with my outfit? Why would I wear those weird white tights and matching white long-sleeved shirt under my tunic? There’s no way that’s the fashion trend seven years from now. And teenage me has the same exact haircut as I do now? I obviously group up to be a weird virgin incel and that sword is staying right on that pedestal until I figure out how to stop that from happening.”

“Also, do you mean to tell me I’m still trying to get with Princess Zelda seven years from now? Like, no one else comes along between now and then? I would’ve expected to have had at least two or three girlfriends by the time I’m 16, but it looks like grabbing the sword messed that up too. Oh, and also the whole kingdom turned into a weird hellscape, which was also bad. Seems like the best thing to do would be to stay here as a healthy, well-adjusted 9-year-old and just go about my business, make sure that that guy Ganondorf doesn’t seize power, and if I also happen to spend my free time losing my virginity at a normal time for a boy my age, well then that sounds like a win-win for everybody.”

At press time, Link was reflecting on the fact that perhaps his lack of skill with women could be attributed to the fact that he spends all of his time playing his ocarina in the forest and crying about his dead talking tree grandfather.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Entire Office Forgets to Wear Pants on First Day Back at Work

Posted on by James Knapp

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — After several months of working remotely, employees of Hard Radar Publishing returned to their office for the first time this week, only to realize that every single staff member failed to completely dress, thoroughly embarrassed sources confirmed.

“I was really excited when I first heard we’d be heading back to the office. Working from home was challenging, and I was looking forward to catching up with my co-workers… but it’s pretty hard to catch up with people when no one can make eye contact,” said office manager Wayne Platt, attempting to cover his pantslessness with a stack of unread manuscripts. “Normally, I’d be worried that this would lead to a ton of workplace misconduct complaints. But considering that the head of H.R. showed up today only wearing a pair of stained boxer-briefs, I think we’re all just gonna try to forget this ever happened.”

However, not all were put off, as mailroom clerk David Bonafare appeared mostly unphased by the staff’s collective bout of undress.

“Aw, man… I totally spaced on that whole ‘wear pants’ thing this morning. I guess this explains why everyone was avoiding me on the bus earlier,” said Bonafare during his 9:15 a.m. bourbon break, a habit he picked up in quarantine. “I guess I don’t feel that bad about it since everyone else forgot, too. And I gotta say, it’s kind of freeing to not wear business casual for once. I just wish some people here didn’t ‘go commando.’ That’s a bit troubling.”

Quarantine psychology expert Madeline Mader explained the connection between social isolation and near-perpetual nudity.

“It’s often common for individuals practicing proper social distancing to forgo normal societal mores, such as wearing clothing when speaking with Debra from accounting,” said Mader. “So it’s to be expected that when the public finally re-adjusts to society, certain decorum will inherently be forgotten. Historically, during the Spanish flu pandemic of 1918, many gentlemen returning to work at haberdasheries would often forget to properly press their bowler hats; this time around, it appears that people have just neglected to conceal their genitals. These things just happen in cycles.”

Hard Radar Publishing has since revised it’s dress code policy to include banana hammocks and Spongebob Squarepants boxer shorts on the list of unacceptable workplace attire.