The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Ex-Underøath Fan Devoutly Tweets Death Threats to Band, Prays for Better Internet Connection on Livestream Next Week

Posted on July 22, 2020 by Tim Sheard

PROVO, Utah — Devout Christian and former Underøath superfan Liam Beckstead spent the majority of his afternoon yesterday Tweeting death threats at the band while simultaneously praying his internet connection was strong enough for their upcoming livestream performance, conflicted sources confirmed.

“For the past couple of years I’ve been leaving comments, Tweeting, writing letters, and whatever else, just to let those soul sellouts in Underøath know that I don’t appreciate them turning their backs on Jesus,” said Beckstead while making sure none of his 12 brothers or sisters were using the internet. “I’ve been hate-listening to their newer stuff in hopes I can find a Christian connection. The only reason I’m watching all three of their livestream performances is so I can see them play old stuff and yell, ‘You’re all going to hell!’ as loud as I can while they play.”

Sadly, the band has allegedly grown accustomed to abuse from Christian members of their fan base.

“When we first started, we had a lot of fans who really seemed intent on ‘moshing for Jesus,’ but as we distanced ourselves from organized religion, those same people decided we should all die slow, painful deaths,” said Underøath drummer Aaron Gillespie. “Now that they’re older and they don’t mosh to get their Christian aggression out of their system, they really just spend too much time online posing with their guns. It’s weird.”

Following the livestream, Beckstead announced plans to purchase multiple hours with a variety of cam girls in hopes of bringing them towards Jesus.

This Friday tune into the Underøath livestream and watch them perform ‘Define the Great Line’ in it’s entirety. Click here for access.

Disgraced ‘Smash Bros.’ Player Announces Hiatus, Plans to Main Self for a Little While

Posted on July 21, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

SEATTLE — Tyler Wendell, the latest pro Super Smash Bros. player accused of sexual misconduct, has announced that he will be taking some time off from the game, and plans on maining himself for a little while.

“For too long, I have edge-guarded the weight of my own actions,” said Wendell, also known as Streyek4ce. “I have chained combos of irresponsibility, selfishness, and coercion, and I tragically did it all with items turned on — items such as drugs and alcohol. I will be taking some time off from Smash, and thus will be putting away Zero Suit Samus for a while, so that I may figure out how to best utilize my real life skillset.”

Many have speculated that competitive Smash Bros. players have grown so focused on their preferred characters in the game that they often lose focus on the basic tenets of self control.

“We’ve done extensive research on the connections between playing Super Smash Bros. competitively and being a total skeev,” said Dr. June Bryant, a Professor of Behavior Science at Northwest University. “Sadly, many of these players spend so much time mastering the controls of one or several characters that they are rendered incapable of performing basic maneuvers and techniques on their own, such as common decency and observing age of consent laws.”

“And let me be absolutely clear,” she added. “These are not advanced techs.”

At press time, Wendell took to Twitter to complain that his new main is “low tier fucking garbage” with negative match-ups against everyone.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Government Expected to Issue Second Stimulus Check to Help Americans Pay for $70 PS5 Games

Posted on July 21, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — The United States government is expected to announce a second relief package soon, one that will reportedly include provisions for the upcoming $70 price point that has been rumored for the games available for the new video game consoles set to release at the end of the year.

“The American people have been through enough in 2020,” said House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy. “We need to get them the help they need, to feed their families, pay their bills, and check out some PlayStation 5 games to see if a new console generation is really necessary or merely a byproduct of our cyclical consumerist culture. It’s important we band together and help Joe Gamer out, in this total bummer of a Q3.”

Many critics of the package claim that while it will help the middle and low class gamers struggling to keep their Game Pass accounts active and their children in new Fortnite skins, it offers lopsided incentives to the privileged and wealthy.

“Look, I will totally take some help with buying new games,” said Andre Gibbs, a gamer who was concerned with the latest relief package. “Hell, I appreciate the help even. But, forgive me if I’m less than ecstatic about picking up Valhalla at the end of the year when every big corporation is getting trucks full of PS5s and XBOX Series X’s shipped right to them. Seems a little disproportionate.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell stressed that this latest stimulus check shouldn’t go to every American, but merely the ones in a position to buy a new system at the end of the year.

“This is some extra cash to check out FIFA or NBA and see if it’s worth it,” he said. “Not another government handout for you to run out to the dope store and buy vaporizers. There is no need to help subsidize the broke ass gamers who are still playing CoD on their PS3s. They ought to take a lesson from the soldiers in that title and pull themselves up by the bootstraps if they want to get ahead in this world.”

McConnell concluded the appearance by once again denying claims that Kentucky received more copies of Animal Crossing: New Horizons from the government than any other state as part of the first coronavirus relief package.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

The Next Spongebob? This Gay Man Makes Minimum Wage

Posted on July 21, 2020 by Mark Bouchard

Spongebob Squarepants.The bubble-blowing, fun-loving, flamboyant sea sponge has been entertaining young children and stoned adults for over 20 years. But while Spongebob is fictional, a fast food restaurateur in Lansing, Michigan believes he has found the real-life Spongebob: A slightly irritating gay man named Aiden Stouder.

“As soon as I heard the new fry cook laughing at one of his own jokes during onboarding, I knew that Aidan was going to do big things for me burger joint, and me money,” explained restaurant owner Tyler Olson. “Having him behind the grill means we can finally compete with McDonald’s in terms of courting the youths. I mean, how could they top Spongebob personified? Get the whole dang ‘Paw Patrol’ to hang out in the ball pit? Where would you even find that many pooches?”

While Stouder is happy to have any job after getting laid off from his data entry position, he did admit the constant comparisons to the yellow, porous sea sponge grate on his nerves.

“If you ask me, the only ways I’m like Spongebob are that I work long hours for effectively no pay under a money-grubbing stooge. The cheap bastard is totally Mr. Krabs. There’s also a cashier that’s kind of a dick, but I wouldn’t quite say he’s Squidward.”

Among the many humiliations that Stouder must endure to keep his job, the fry cook is forced to sign autographs, wear a latex glove on his head, repeatedly rip his pants, and listen to the same Tiny Tim song for the entirety of his shifts.

“Between us, I’m just glad to be able to pay my rent, but god damn is it humiliating. When I told my friend Sandra about everything I have to do to keep the bossman happy, she said it makes her ‘madder than a wet hen without a hairdryer.’”

Despite his misgivings, Stouder said he is more than happy to take selfies with fans. However, the gay fry cook has repeatedly asked that no one tell his new boss that he is currently dating a man named “Patrick Starkonowitz.”

Progressive Government of Flavortown Providing Universal Basic Chili Con Carne

Posted on July 21, 2020 by Yancy Lee Crawford

FLAVORTOWN, Calif. — A quality-of-life ordinance passed by Flavortown’s town council this week will guarantee residents monthly universal chili con carne payments beginning as soon as September.

“This legislation is the real deal — put it on a bun and call your momma, muchacho!” exclaimed triumphant Town Manager Guy Fieri, gesturing to an imaginary camera crew. “For too long the gangsters of Flavortown have struggled to keep Old Bay and bologna in their kitchen. How can we expect our community to prosper if everyone can’t enjoy a righteous pot of flavor and a cerveza every now and then? We have to make our triple D’s work for everyone.”

“And this is just the beginning,” added Fieri. “By next year, we expect payments of habanero breakfast sausages, along with tuna melts that will make you dance the meringue.”

The town council’s decision is a reversal of previous regulations, designating all greasy benefits to be paid by third-party vendors.

“Today’s decision is the beginning of a more prosperous age for the brochachos and brochachas of Flavortown,” said newly elected town councilman and Director of Poblano Works, Ian Nichols. “In addition to monthly pots of slammin’ stew garnished with pulled pork-stuffed jalapeno poppers, the Flavortown council will also be servin’ up low-interest rates for residents buying their first flame shirt; no-questions-asked facilities offering sterile, unused visors; and after-school programs to teach kids how to rub and smoke a dynamite hunk of brisket.”

With Flavortown gaining national attention as “a pierogi of equity served with rockin’ horseradish sour cream,” residents have become wary of other towns co-opting the moniker for themselves.

“It would be hella confusing if some sweaty, midwestern cornfield also called themselves Flavortown,” lamented Collette Shriver, the head chef at Hot Rod’s Dogs, a local rockabilly delicatessen. “Guaranteed, those people don’t know how to use a guajillo — they probably don’t even have a PacSun to buy chain bracelets or Dickies from, either. Those are as Flavortown as frosted tips.”

Despite Flavortown’s progressive economic policies, the town council has yet to remove the problematic statue of former councilwoman Rachael Ray sexually harassing every single firefighter during a 2005 State of the City speech.

If White Men Control Everything, How Come I Never Got a Quinceañera?

Posted on July 21, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

So I keep hearing from the left that, apparently, white males control every aspect of culture, economy, and politics. I would like to offer my rebuttal: the Mesoamerican celebration of young womanhood known as the Quinceañera.

As a white male, I did not get a Quinceañera when I turned 15 and I still have not had a Quinceañera. No one purchased me a beautiful ball gown and I was never given a proper entrance (or La Entrada) into a banquet hall filled with family and friends. Never in my life have handsome chambelanes hoisted me above their heads and paraded me around the room like the princess I deserve to be.

So, don’t talk to me about equality until I am presented with a crown, a pair of high heel shoes, and a doll. I want a night of dancing, cake, and toasts in my honor. Not allowing grown white men to be honored in such a way is, and I’m not afraid to say it, reverse racism.

Show me the law where only Latina teenage girls are allowed to be ushered into adulthood in such a manner. I want to be filled with tamales, tacos al pastor, and salsa; drink vats of Pozole. A whole buffet table of churros, conchas, and pan dulce. Not to mention a giant ass cake for me to cut into. Maybe my father will dance with me and finally tell me he is proud of me.

This is a long-winded way of saying, please join me at the Eagle Ranch Golf Club and Resort for my Quinceañera on the day of the 42nd birthday. Gifts are accepted but cash is preferred.

Right Wing Man Outside Grocery Store Asking Masked Shoppers to Buy Him Beer

Posted on July 21, 2020 by Tom Peters

WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. — Disgruntled, maskless consumer Rod Shockley was seen outside a local supermarket yesterday asking customers complying with the store’s mandatory mask policy to buy him beer, annoyed sources confirm.

“You’ve got to help me out,” said Shockley, peering out from around a corner. “I told these popular guys I’d bring them some beer, and if I don’t come through, I’m screwed. But I refuse to wear one of those muzzles, because this is America, and it’s my God-given right to die how I please and take as many of you with me as I want. Plus, it’s, like, itchy, and I heard breathing your own carbon monoxide is toxic. Not to mention, if word got out that I was wearing a mask at the grocery store, I’d be the laughing stock of the whole gun range.”

Shoppers were confused by Shockley’s request.

“At first I thought it was another underage kid playing Hey Mister,” said Randall Paon, a local resident who limits his grocery store trips to once per week to reduce exposure. “But this guy must have been over 40, asking me to get him a case of Bud Light metal bottles and some ‘double barrel’ Slim Jims — the kind with the cheese. I asked him why he wouldn’t wear one of the masks provided by the store, and he just screamed, ‘That’s how Nazi Germany started.’ I walked away while he was trying to find the right Hodgetwins video to show me on his phone.”

Store employees have grown increasingly disheartened by the lack of basic consideration for their well-being.

“We’re all scared, and none of us want to be here,” said cashier Stacy Kohdlam. “People call us essential workers and heroes like we’re firefighters or cops, but I didn’t enlist to be a hero… and unlike the police, I’m expected to do my job without killing anyone. I mean, the dude is wearing an American flag bandana on his head. How hard would it be to just pull it down over your face?”

At press time, Shockley was attempting to draw a mask on his face with permanent marker.

Former StarCraft 2 Pro Has Highest Microsoft Excel APM in Office

Posted on July 20, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN DIEGO — Former StarCraft 2 all-star Sergio Luna reportedly has the highest actions per minute (APM) in Microsoft Excel of any of the data analysts at his office job.

“My micro is insane in Excel, dude. I can vlookup and sort a pivot table in 3 seconds, which is huge, because tabular-formatted pivot tables are ridiculously powerful in the current meta,” Luna said. “It’s crazy how big StarCraft was for a minute, huh? I was a celebrity in South Korea; I thought I was gonna be playing StarCraft for the rest of my life! But you know what? I guess in a way I am — I’ve just translated my skills to a new DLC of sorts, Microsoft Office. So I’m not trying to spread zerg creep all over the map, but I’m spreading correct Number formatting all over the spreadsheet.”

According to those familiar with the situation, other employees at Luna’s job were, at first, confused by Luna’s background.

“When he came in saying he was great at macro, I was really excited. I thought he meant he could code macros in Excel, which would make our jobs so much easier. But he was talking about some video game thing,” said Luna’s cubicle-mate Marissa Carter. “I have to admit, though, he does type really fast. I’m not sure if that’s helpful, but it’s undeniably impressive. I just wish he would stop trying to remotely access my computer to ‘scout’ my work. It’s very annoying.”

“Besides, in this office we go by effective actions per minute,” she added. “None of this baby APM shit.”

Despite other co-workers not understanding Luna’s StarCraft abilities and how they translate to the world of data analysis, Clark Salazar, the company’s office manager who hired Luna, stands by his decision.

“I fucking love StarCraft,” said Salazar. “I used to play every single day for years. Terran. Never left bronze league.”

“When I saw c0Rkscr3w — sorry, Sergio — apply for a job at my company, I was shouting louder than Husky,” Salazar continued. “I knew I had to get him. Can you imagine how insane our productivity would be if we just filled it with former StarCraft pros?! Flash on data entry, Life on reports, IdrA on customer support… we’d take over the world. And the best thing? Almost all of them are available for hire.”

At press time, Luna was seen watching Fortnite at his desk, refreshing a google search for “bugha net worth.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Doxxed Naughty Dog Employee Thankful to Never Be Home

Posted on July 20, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — A programmer who recently had her personal address leaked online was glad that her employment at Naughty Dog ensures she is rarely there, several exhausted coworkers have confirmed.

“I wish I could say this surprised me,” said Miranda Keller, a graphics programmer with Naughty Dog. “I’m the third person this month that’s been doxxed. We all just sort of laugh about it, since we’re lucky if we spend two nights a week away from the office. Especially now that our game shipped, there’s just too much risk in going home. Hey, could someone ask the cops if my hamster was doing alright?”

Doxxing is the disturbing practice employed by gamers in recent years in which a tactical response team is sent to someone’s house under falsified threats of violence.

“Yeah, I’m always leery we’re going to bust in on some kid playing on his computer,” said SWAT officer Ted Barker, who took place in the ambush. “But this was some other kind of prank I haven’t seen yet, where we got sent to an abandoned house. Well, mostly abandoned. Some squatters seem to have broken in and cooked food here a few weeks ago. You hate to see it.”

Naughty Dog VP and The Last of Us 2 writer/director Neil Druckmann defended his company’s documented practice of demanding unreasonable work schedules of their employees.

“I am so happy no one was hurt in this horrible act,” he said. “I shudder to think what may have happened if Miranda worked somewhere where the office culture wasn’t one of shaming those that didn’t constantly work overtime. What if she had been in her home at 10:00PM that fateful Tuesday? Do you see how unsafe leaving the office can be?”

Druckman concluded the press conference by promising to prioritize his employee’s health and safety, and to dock Keller for the time she’d spent from her work day talking to the press.

Editor’s note: Keller’s hamster did not survive the interaction with police.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Sobbing Eric Trump Chokes Down Seventh Can of Goya Beans

Posted on July 20, 2020 by Jordan Breeding

WASHINGTON — A broken and sobbing Eric Trump choked down a seventh consecutive can of Goya beans this morning after a week of publicly binging the brand’s products to garner support from his father, President Donald Trump, disgusted witnesses confirmed.

“Daddy said he loves Goya beans more than he loves anything else. Maybe if I became more Goya than boy, he’ll at least love me more than Don Jr.,” said Eric Trump, slowly maneuvering a shaking spoon of wet beans to his trembling lips. “I’ve used all the empty cans to build statues of my dad, but he still doesn’t notice. I’m going to eat 18 cans today so I can use the empties to make a whole minigolf course — then, maybe, he’ll finally play with me.”

Although experts differ on what does or does not garner President Trump’s affection, most medical professionals agree eating more than a handful of beans a day can be hazardous to your health.

“Look, I don’t have a firm number, but just eat, like, a normal amount of beans. If you try to eat a fuckload of beans, your stomach will explode,” said Dr. Kendrick Joh. “Every week, I’m interviewed about how many beans a human can safely eat, or how much bleach they could safely inject, or how long an erection can safely last while watching Ivanka hold a can of beans. Just stop it. If the President says or does something, just do the opposite. You’ll live longer.”

While Trump continues to publicly support Goya beans, he maintains it is just one way to truly support American freedom and democracy.

“Do I love beans? Of course — beans are the best and most musical fruit, and believe me, I’m great at making bean music. Some of the best music you’ve ever heard — very great music,” said President Trump, winging a can of kidney beans at a protestor outside the White House fence. “And that’s the thing: the media is really the true enemy of beans. Everybody says, ‘Oh, beans are fine, beans can take care of themselves,’ but that’s not true, I know that’s not true, because I’m also persecuted just as much as beans. More than beans, probably. More than beans have ever been persecuted in this country is how much I’ve been persecuted, and it’s a big problem.”

At press time, President Trump was telling supporters at a rally that true Americans stuff lit firecrackers up their asses, soon after which a pantsless Eric Trump was seen backstage clumsily lighting six M-80s with his aquafaba-stained hands.

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