Gamer Goes on Mission Trip to Tell Impoverished Communities ‘The Last of Us’ Is Overrated

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

UGANDA — A devout gamer has voyaged to a third world country on a missionary trip to inform the poor villagers there that The Last of Us franchise is not as good as everyone says it is. 

“Do you see this cell phone?” Donovan Carter asked a crowd of gathered children inside of an orphanage in the town of Jinja. “In America we use these to watch trailers for games that promise a level of immersion comparable to cinema only to be subjected to the same basic puzzles and platforming Naughty Dog has been doing variations on for decades. Oh, and if you point this out you being pretentious and contrarian at best, or problematic at worst. You’re all so fortunate not to have Twitter. ” 

He regaled the children, most of whom have no access to running water, with stories of inflated Metacritic ratings and biased reviews, and even used a ladder at one point to demonstrate what he felt were tedious and redundant mechanics one encounters throughout the games. 

“I am so glad Donovan is following his heart and spreading the good word,” said Doug Carter, Donovan’s father. “I grew up making him play PC games every weekend so that he would know not to believe that radical bullshit his friends were going to try to corrupt him with; that consoles are a worthy way to live your life. Luckily my son knows not to give in to the easy path of sin and accessibility.” 

The villagers were reportedly very impressed with the gadgetry and extravagance of the civilized world. 

“The man was so nice,” one young woman said through a translator. “He set up a wireless internet network and showed us how to log on to different websites and register our displeasure with their findings. I will always remember this angry man, and everything he did for me and my village.” 

As of press time, Carter was missing and presumed dead from his latest trip, wherein he was going to bring handheld gaming to a civilization that had never seen electricity.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

If Anything, Having Fewer Fingers Proves I’m a Fireworks Expert

Posted on by Mark Hassenfratz

Fourth of July may sound like fun to you. You may be looking forward to barbecuing and busting out your favorite patriotic napkins. But to pyro-entertainment enthusiasts like me, it’s serious business. If nothing else, my inability to count to ten on my fingers is a clear sign of how earnestly I consider my duties. It’s like what they say about eggs and omelets: you’ve gotta blow off a couple fingers to have a truly epic Fourth of July.

I know from personal experience the awesome power and majesty of mildly-explosive entertainment. Each missing digit and Fourth of July mishap is like a badge on a four-star general. They are a sign of bravery and resilience in the face of catastrophe. Who could forget the tragic loss of my left pinky after the roman candle duel of ‘04? Or the rose bush fire of ‘06? Let us always remember the unexpected departure of my right ring finger after the fuse shortening last year. Additionally, let us not erase the memories of countless windows, lawn furniture, and novelty garden gnomes lost in the struggle for a better fireworks display.

These missing fingers should tell you one thing: the words “duck and cover” are sacred to me.

You may think that “certified professionals” with their so-called “expertise in chemistry” may know what they’re talking about, but they’re wrong. I have real boots-on-the-ground, fingers-in-a-bag experience while those eggheads are twiddling their thumbs behind desks at Big Firework all day. The bottom line is, when a guy like me with six and a half fingers and a missing eyebrow tells you to stand clear, you can bet the last beer in your cooler he knows what he’s talking about.

Also, if you need any advice on wrangling snapping turtles, I’m your guy.

Cold Case: Woman Taken Away By KKK Still Missing

Posted on by Kevin Tit

LOS ANGELES — The 1981 kidnapping of a young woman by the KKK is being reexamined by the LAPD following overwhelming public pressure, multiple detectives confirmed.

“Outside of some extremely vague song lyrics, we don’t have much to go on here,” said Det. Oscar Sanchez, leading the case. “We don’t know her name, what she looks like, or much of anything — the only lead we have is that she said she was coming to L.A. sometime in December, but reportedly, never got here. It’s alleged that the KKK was involved, and at one point people close to the young woman tried to get President Reagan himself to investigate the case. But we’ve run into a lot of roadblocks: there is no evidence this woman even existed, and the man who initially reported the crime has since passed.”

However, one man claims to remember what happened the night the victim was taken.

“Sure, I remember that night,” said Marky Ramone while autographing everything in sight. “We were all at Graham Gouldman’s house, talking over how we wanted to go about recording ‘Pleasant Dreams.’ Joey [Ramone] and his girlfriend Linda were going through a rough patch at the time, so I suggested we just go get wasted by the pool. After about one, two, three, four beers, I went inside to take a leak. That’s when I saw Linda walking out the front door with Johnny. I had no idea that’d be the last time I see her.”

The federal government is stepping in to help solve the case, thanks to the high-profile status of the investigation.

“We have hours of recorded calls from Mr. Joey Ramone pleading for us to find his baby — each call lasts about two and half minutes, and they sound pretty much the same each time,” said FBI Special Agent Sheena Es. “We believe there is a correlation between Klan involvement in law enforcement, and this particular case going cold. It’s a major problem nationwide. If this woman is still alive, we will find her, and hopefully Mr. Ramone will be able to rest peacefully knowing she is O.K.”

At press time, Det. Sanchez was reassigned after receiving a brick through his car window with the note, “You should never have opened that door.”

If Our Founding Fathers Were Alive to See America Today, They Would Be Bloodthirsty Vampires

Posted on by Dan Rice

There’s no denying that the American experiment has taken its share of twists and turns over the last two and a half centuries. Is the America we see today a true representation of our forefather’s vision of freedom and democracy? It’s that sort of question that makes some wonder what this nation’s founders would think if they were alive today. But people who wonder that are completely missing the point.

If our founding fathers were alive today it could only be through a pact with Lucifer himself, and their unholy longevity would surely bring with it a thirst for living, human blood.

George Washington would be 288 years old today. Life expectancy was 38 back then. So how the fuck could Washington live to see 2020? Because he became a god damned vampire, that’s how!

I mean it’s the only way, right?! Think about it—have you ever seen a founding father outside during the day time? Have you ever seen the reflection of anyone who signed the declaration of independence in the mirror? No, you haven’t, because they are all nosferati.

If you bump into George Washington on the street tonight, he’s not going to say “I consider the two-party system to be a personal failure.” He’s going to say “I MUST FEED, MORTAL! GAZE INTO THE HYPNOTIC STARE OF MY FORSAKEN EYES! MUHAHAHAHAHA!” And then he’ll like, bite you, to death.

If you see Thomas Jefferson walking down the street at night it’s time to get the fuck outta dodge friend! That or grab a wooden stake and stand your ground. Crosses and holy water won’t work on real vampires, that’s all Hollywood bullshit. I learned that from Blade.

Would these undead wig wearers express concern that America has shifted away from the political philosophies of Thomas Paine? Yeah, maybe after satiating their satanic hunger on a bucket of newborn babies or two they might express that opinion. But if you ask me it’s not worth that many innocent lives to satisfy some sophomoric intellectual curiosity. But admittedly, I would vote for vampire Lincoln over Trump or Biden in a heartbeat.

Punk Who Shot Bottle Rocket Out Ass in Skate Video Feels Awkward Confronting Distant Aunt About Racist Memes

Posted on by Krissy Howard

PRINEVILLE, Ore. — Aging punk Jeff Nunes, best known in his hometown for shooting a bottle rocket out of his ass in 2003, has deemed confronting his Aunt Janice about various racist memes she shares on Facebook “way too awkward,” sources report.

“My Aunt Janice was always super nice to me when I was a kid, but over the years, she’s become a total ‘all lives matter’ nutjob,” the grown man who once ate cat vomit for $1 on camera explained. “Like, if she wasn’t my dad’s sister, I’d call her ass out in a second. But what the hell am I supposed to say? ‘Hey Aunt Jan, what’s up with these posts you’re sharing?’ and then talking about it? I mean, what would Thanksgiving be like?”

“You gotta pick your battles, and sometimes, the battle is won by just saying ‘fucking asshole’ under your breath and scrolling past it in one second,” he added. “It’s like, fighting the system from the inside, kinda.”

Those close to the once oft-naked in public Nunes are disappointed in their friend’s unwillingness to commit to anti-racism with his family members.

“This is the lamest shit ever, especially coming from Jeff. I mean, I remember his old band putting out a 7” called ‘Skullfuck Cops to Death’ back in the late ’90s, and this is what it’s come to?” said Nunes’ longtime girlfriend Katie Tackett. “Is this just because he sorta mellowed out over the years, or has he always been this chickenshit about having potentially uncomfortable conversations with some woman he sees for two days every six years? Was all that just a front?”

Experts confirmed Nunes is not the only punk who once teabagged a friend in a crowded Denny’s and now struggles to find the words needed to stand up to elderly relatives.

“The link between suburban kids who could light shopping carts on fire and scream, ‘Fuck authority!’ without fear of being arrested, and people unwilling to call out racism is immediate, albeit unsurprising,” said Stanford University research assistant Avni Saraf. “In fact, the Venn diagram between white punks with stick-and-poke ‘anarchy’ symbols and people too afraid to offer more than a nervous giggle when their grandmother says something objectively racist about the only Mexican restaurant in her town is simply one complete circle.”

At press time, Nunes elected to “take a stand” against his Aunt by quietly unfollowing her and saying nothing.

AMC Theaters to Reopen Long Enough to Show Half of Tenet

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — AMC has announced a tentative plan to reopen most of its theaters nationwide long enough to screen the first half of Christopher Nolan’s Tenet, before a spike in positive COVID-19 cases assuredly forces them to shut their doors again. 

“It’s time we ignore all practical reality and get back to normal already,” said AMC CEO Adam Aron. “This is the movie of the summer, and it demands to be seen on the big screen. We’re confident that with social distancing and some other measures that we may be able to slow the increase in cases long enough to get through the entire second act before we have to shut down due to the exponential rise in positive cases. Reserve your tickets now!” 

With its release date having been pushed back several times already, director Christopher Nolan was confident that the most recent one, August 12, would stick, thanks to AMC’s decision to assist in dismantling the months of progress quarantines and precautions had taken. 

“I’m thrilled that AMC is allowing us to screen most of this movie that a lot of us worked really hard on,” said the director. “As an artist, it is important not to compromise my vision, and my vision for this film was to be on a big screen, with full stereo sound, and a large percentage of moviegoers exposing themselves to a literal pandemic that we still haven’t cured. That true cinematic experience that you could never replicate with VOD.”

While excited to finally get to see the film, many fans reportedly were less than excited with Nolan’s approach to releasing the movie. 

“Well, I can’t say I like it, but Nolan is always at the forefront of cinema, there’s no arguing that,” said cinephile Charlotte Kensington. “So whether it’s showing some of his movies in Fortnite, or insisting Tenet be released into archaic and unsanitary movie theaters because of his attempt at preserving an increasingly antiquated method of of entertainment seems to be more important than preserving actual lives, we have got to respect his vision. He is an artist, and he refuses to let things like his 20 percent cut of the box office gross interfere with his vision. A true visionary.”

AMC set to open for a couple of hours on August 12, before a wave of positive COVID-19 cases catches everybody off guard. As of press time, Nolan was lobbying AMC to have all of the chairs removed from screenings of Tenet, insisting that the audience will pay more attention to his work if they are standing.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Animal Crossing Villagers Freak Out During Fireworks

Posted on by Collin Brown

NORTHERN HEMISPHERE — Chaos erupted during a Fourth of July fireworks celebration held by the animal inhabitants of the newly settled New Texas Island, sources confirmed.

“It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. I’ve been living with these animals for months and they’re so gentle and affable, so I never thought this kind of thing would happen,” said the only human resident of the island, Raye. “The Nooks really freaked out, but they’re also the ones who bought the fireworks from Crazy Redd in the first place, so I don’t really know what they thought would happen.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Tom Nook gathered all the residents in the town square at sundown, gave a brief speech, and then set off a large cache of fireworks with the help of Timmy and Tommy, resulting in all of the animal residents immediately panicking and running around in search of shelter. 

“As soon as he climbed down from his hiding place in the trees, Mr. Nook told me to take a picture if I wanted to remember the celebration and then said that it had been another beautiful day in New Texas,” Raye said. “He’s just acting like nothing happened, and I guess I’m supposed to as well, but I can’t. I saw my closest friends piss themselves. Biskit chased Bob around the square, and now they’re not speaking to each other anymore. I guess there’s just some things I’ll never understand about island life.”

When asked about the day’s events, Nook said, “Well to be honest, I seem to have blacked out during the festivities. Too much fun I suppose! But everyone seems in good spirits today, hm? Oh, by the way, you can now redeem your Nook Miles to receive a commemorative statue of the island’s residents cowering in fear, so don’t miss out!”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Everybody at Ween Drive-In Show Asking for a Ride Home

Posted on by Chuck Kowalski

MILTON-FREEWATER, Ore. — Chaos erupted after a Ween drive-in show late last night, as every single showgoer tried to find somebody still capable of safely operating a motor vehicle to drive them home, frustrated sources insisting “for the 1,000th time” that they aren’t a Lyft driver report.

“I had a bad feeling when the crowd made a human chain to the gas station selling wine and 12-packs while the band was tuning,” said security guard Rod Malone. “Fast-forward four hours later, and I’ve already had to tell half a dozen people that the hot dog roller doesn’t belong to the band, and countless others that I wouldn’t drive a dump truck full of them down Route 11 even if I could.”

“I’m glad they aren’t driving,” he noted, “but I wish they’d stop celebrating every time one of them fails the court-ordered breathalyzer in their cars by passing around balloons full of nitrous and chanting, ‘Poop ship! Poop ship!’”

Staff at the nearby gas station reported some “unique” attempts by fans to get themselves back home.

“The most successful group was probably the one that called the cops on me for refusing to sell them booze, only to remember they were all under court-ordered sobriety by the time they showed up,” said cashier Samantha Newell. “By the sounds of it, the station was halfway home for them, anyway. Plus, I think I heard one of the officers say he had one guy’s wife on speed dial.”

Meanwhile, Ween “mega fan” Jasper Gunderson claimed that his inability to drive caught him by surprise.

“Sure, it happened the last nine times I’ve seen them,” he said, reflexively offering a fellow fan a lit joint before asking if he were “cool to drive?” “But I figured if Gener can clean up, then I could get a lawn tractor back home after only a flask and some ketamine.”

“I’m in deeper than I thought I’d be, though,” he added. “Who’d have thought that some random pills under a hot dog roller could fuck you up so fast?”

Volunteer Medic Applying Bandage to Injury Closest Thing Protester Had to Health Care in Years

Posted on by Sari Beliak

AUSTIN, Texas — The first aid administered Sunday by a volunteer medic is the closest thing protester Sammi Ramirez has experienced to health care in years, onlookers confirmed during a march for Black Lives Matter.

“This woman rushed over to help me rinse the pepper spray from my eyes, and then she cleaned up my knee from when I scraped it hopping the fence,” said Ramirez. “She asked if I was drinking enough water, and I just started crying… not from the pain or anything, but because I was so goddamn happy to be receiving any type of medical attention. My God, it’s been years. Is this what having universal health care is like?”

Kat Alonzo, the volunteer medic who aided Ramirez, has assisted dozens of protesters with various injuries over the last few weeks.

“We’ve been seeing things like skinned knees and bruising from cops pushing protesters, but luckily, people are looking out for each other,” Alonzo explained. “I helped Sammi get cleaned up so she could get back out there, and I encouraged her to maybe take a little breather and to recharge. She also has a suspicious mole on her back that I think she should get checked out, so I had her put on some sunscreen. I will say, everyone’s been really stoked to be seen by a doctor, which is nice — she even wanted to show me this rash on her stomach, but I told her it might have to wait.”

Experts believe the recent surge in protests across the country may lead to an increase in Americans getting the necessary medical attention they otherwise wouldn’t receive.

“It’s encouraging to see so many people out marching in the streets, demanding justice and calling for the abolition of police departments and private prisons,” said local social worker and long-time human rights activist Arlo Brynne. “And it’s always wonderful to see so many Travis County residents finally getting the free medical care they need after running from rubber bullets and tear gas by coming together as a community and relying only on each other.”

In an unsurprising move, Alonzo’s makeshift first aid station was later attacked by police for practicing medicine without a license.

I Understand “Law & Order: SVU” Is Copaganda, but Also I Have Depression

Posted on by Mark Bouchard

I am well aware that the characters in “Law & Order: SVU” occasionally use excessive force and routinely engage in unethical policing tactics, such as being badge-carrying officers of the NYPD. Knowing this is essential if you plan on consuming any copaganda without getting suckered by its unfair humanization of the police.

Given our current political climate, if you watch “Law & Order: SVU,” “Brooklyn Nine-Nine,” or any police procedural, maybe consider not posting about it on social media. People will judge you, myself included. For me, it’s different. I can watch “Law & Order: SVU” with impunity because I’ve been diagnosed with depression.

Depression makes it extremely difficult to change the channel when there is already something not great but okay on the tv. Plus, when SVU is on, there’s usually another one on next, and another one after that. And then hopefully you go to sleep for 9-14 hours before you need to make any other choices.

During my worst bouts with depression, “Law & Order: SVU” is perpetually streaming in my living room. It’s so comforting to let Mariska Hargitay’s familiar voice fill my apartment for hours on end, knowing that by the end of each episode, more often than not, the bad guys will have gotten theirs.

There aren’t many guarantees in this life, but the narrative structure of SVU is one of them. It must be nice though, to live in the world of SVU—a world where the police actually help those who seek it.

Don’t think I don’t recognize my privilege. Many are unable to tune in to “Law & Order: SVU” these days at all without fear of being canceled by those who share their Hulu accounts. However, everyone’s depression functions differently. There’s no “right” way to manage depression, but this is how I manage mine. And before you ask, no, I haven’t tried therapy or medication.