Self-Conscious Man Removes Mask After Seeing No One Else Wearing One

Posted on by Billy Patterson

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Local Publix shopper Wesley Clemons removed his protective face mask this morning after realizing that no one else in the grocery store was wearing one, sympathetic sources confirmed.

“I went to do my weekly shop, and I thought we were doing the whole mask thing,” said Clemons. “But after a few minutes in the store, it was clear I was the only person wearing one — I stuck out like a sore thumb. I could feel everyone staring at me and judging me… like that time I wore slacks to a pool party. So I ducked behind the produce stand and slipped the mask into my pocket. I made sure I said something like, ‘Coronavirus, my ass’ to everyone I walked by, just to make it seem like I wasn’t some mask-loving dweeb.”

Fellow shopper Peggy Webber-Johnson corroborated Clemons’ version of events.

“Everyone saw him as soon as he walked in — it was like a record scratch moment. I instantly thought he was a coward and figured he must hate America if he’s going to cover his face like that,” said Webber-Johnson while handling and returning countless items of produce. “But I don’t know why I got so worked up. I was actually wearing a mask on my way over here, but I peeked through the window and saw that nobody else had them, so I went back and left it in my car.”

Andrew DiLaurentis, a sociology professor at the University of Louisiana-Monroe, noted that this type of behavior is becoming increasingly common in the COVID-19 era.

“Many Americans want to help prevent the spread of the virus by wearing a face covering, but they don’t want to look like an outcast or a loser,” said DiLaurentis. “They want to blend in with the people around them: strolling the aisles, browsing the shelves, and comparing name-brand versus store-brand without attracting any scrutiny. For most people, fitting in is much more important than health and safety.”

“We have to live our lives,” he added. “If we stop conforming, then COVID wins.”

Publix has since announced a new policy prohibiting anyone wearing a mask from entering the store, to spare future customers from Clemons’ shame.

I’m No Good at Adulting, LOL. They Just Took My Kids Away!

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Is it Wine O’Clock yet, amirite?! Haha. Mostly because the Department of Family Services just came and took my kids to live in foster care. I guess I am just no good at adulting. LOL!

There should be a meme for when government officials find you and your family living in filth and eating cat food. I also may have forgotten to pay every bill for every utility for the past three months. WHOOPS!

I wish someone told me that being an adult wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be when I was a kid. There should be a class about this in high school where they teach you that you have to show up to work at proper designated times, toilet train your children, and not shoplift from H&M. You should also be warned that having a kid to save a marriage doesn’t always work. ROFL!

Is there an adulting class I can take? Apparently there is because I’m being forced to attend it by a court-appointed social worker. Although, I’ll probably flunk out of that too just like I did high school. At least now I get to leave the house without my ankle monitor alarm going off. ROFLCOPTER!

I am also being told by my caseworker, who doesn’t have children of her own mind you, that one should not leave their children in the car outside a trap house when you are inside buying meth. Yeah, okay sweetie, call me when you have five kids of your own. LOLLERCOASTER!

I can’t even get time to myself in the bathroom to find a vein and shoot up without my kids banging on the door. I’m sorry that I live in the real world and I am not some celebrity with a nanny to do all the hard work like laundry or remembering what school my kids go to. RAWR!

So, your honor, don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee. BAZINGA!

Show-Deprived Scene Lines Up Around the Block to See Recently Reopened Restaurant Mariachi Band

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SAN ANTONIO — Local restaurant Tantos Tacos reopened last week to patrons lined up around the block desperately anticipating the historically ignored house mariachi band Malos Cerebros’s evening set, entertainment-deprived witnesses reported.

“I’ve never been more excited to see live music in my life, even though I don’t even know the name of this band,” said new fan Tommy Calpanter before asking the host if there was a cover. “Every time I’ve eaten here I’ve been hit with a severely debilitating case of food poisoning, but the inevitable 36-hour vomiting spree that’s sure to happen is going to be totally worth it just to see music in person for the first time in months. Sure, this isn’t my first choice of bands to see live, but I just have no interest in the Godsmack cover band playing at the reopened laser tag place across the street. No thanks.”

Band members were completely floored by their reception.

“A local crust punk zine called us ‘the Discharge of mariachi,’ whatever that means,” said Juan Luis, the band’s guitar player. “Before this pandemic, every single person who ate here would avoid eye contact with us, despite our aggressive attempts to besiege their dining tables. Since reopening, though, diners enthusiastically wave us over and shout Bruce Springsteen song requests at us. We’ve been so popular, we set up a merch booth next to the salsa station. We sold out of mediums in like, 20 minutes.”

Local experts compared this recent phenomenon to the live music history of the town’s past.

“The mariachi scene here was way better in the 80s,” scene veteran Guy Frederick said before double-dipping his chip into a shared bowl of guacamole. “But this reopening amidst the live music drought is just like the good ol’ days, when mariachi dominated this area. This could be a comeback as prolific as the post-punk revival of the mid-2000s, or it could come and go faster than you can say ‘third-wave ska revival.’ Who knows?”

At press time, everyone in the restaurant was waiting for a good 15 minutes and counting after the band’s set was over to see if they were coming back for an encore.

Hasbro Announces Monopoly: Monopoly Edition

Posted on by Peter Casciato

PAWTUCKET, R.I. — Hasbro announced the next installment of the beloved board game Monopoly with the commemorative Monopoly: Monopoly Edition. Each tile on the board will represent one of 22 iconic Monopoly editions from throughout Monopoly’s history. 

Monopoly: Monopoly Edition was announced with much fanfare at Hasbro’s corporate offices. 

“This game is the culmination of years of hard work from the Monopoly design team,” said Hasbro President John Frascotti. “Most of the time was spent struggling with the momentous challenge of whittling down Monopoly to just 22 editions.”

Monopoly: Monopoly Edition had been plagued with behind-the-scenes drama since its inception. Widely reported rumors tell of a turbulent production, made up of long hours and a hostile workplace. There was even allegedly a fist fight between Frascotti and the game’s lead designer over which Monopoly edition would represent St. James Place. 

Frascotti dismissed questions about the working conditions, and instead focused on the exciting new gameplay of Monopoly: Monopoly Edition. 

“We think this new board will allow for all sorts of fun game modes,” said Frascotti. “We’re imagining a version where, whenever a player lands on a Monopoly game, they break out that version of Monopoly, and play a game on that Monopoly board. Whoever wins that game gets to make the first bid for the tile. But that’s just one idea. The possibilities are endless.”

While Monopoly: Monopoly Edition will contain many popular Monopoly titles, like the Star Wars edition or Monopoly for Millennials, Frascotti said the game will also contain some deep cuts to “introduce casual players to the wide and wondrous world of Monopoly.”

“It was important to us to not just focus on the hit Monopoly games, but also smaller editions that, while less popular, were highly influential,” said Frascotti. “One game the designers felt they had to include was the Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back edition, a tie-in to the film of the same name. While it only sold 1,000 copies, they say that everyone who played it became a Monopoly designer themselves.”

Fans who pre-order the game will get a bonus art book, containing art featured in and inspired by all 1,144 versions of Monopoly that have been printed.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Game Critic Stands Perfectly Still to Avoid Naughty Dog PR Representative Attempting to Echolocate Them

Posted on by Jimmy Beliakoff

NEW YORK — While on a trip to the grocery store to restock for quarantine, games journalist Benny Kleiner had to breathlessly duck behind a trash can and remain completely still to avoid being echolocated by a clicking and chattering Naughty Dog PR representative.

“All I wanted was a few frozen pizzas and a can of instant coffee but it nearly cost me my life,” said Kleiner, recalling the incident. “It all started when I wrote that review for The Last of Us Part 2 and gave it a 7 out of 10. Ever since it was published I’ve been hearing that clicking sound outside of my window every single night along with whispered voices saying ‘the conclusions you reached were unfair’ and stuff along those lines.”

In addition to halting all movement when coming into contact with a suspected Naughty Dog operative, Kleiner also devised clever methods to avoid them entirely.

“I’m running low on meat in my freezer, so I’ll need to brave the outside world pretty soon. That’s why I set up Google alerts for Jason Schreier’s Twitter account. I’m just waiting for him to tweet some shit like ‘Video games could be marginally better than they are currently’ so that the Sauron-like eye of Neil Druckmann can focus all of Naughty Dog’s attention on him,” said Kleiner. “That’s when I make my move and huff it down to Trader Joe’s.”

When reached for a response, a representative from Naughty Dog said, “OOAHKT-T-T-T, CHKT-CHKT-CHKT-KT-KT-KT-KT, AAAHK-KT-KT!”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Scooby Doo Gang Ill-equipped to Solve Sex Trafficking Ring

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

CRYSTAL COVE — A team of amateur sleuths and their Great Dane known as “Mystery Inc.” got more than they bargained for recently after an allegedly haunted warehouse turned out to be home to an international sex trafficking ring, meddling sources confirmed.

“We were listening to the police scanner in the Mystery Machine when we heard a 10-54 called in — we thought that was the code for a ghoul prowling around an old amusement park,” explained Velma Dinkley, one of the sleuths. “We burst through the door expecting to see an old man in a Halloween costume or something like that… but instead, there was blood and fecal matter everywhere. And some of those girls were so young: Shaggy fell to a fetal position muttering, ‘Zoinks, zoinks, zoinks’ over and over again, and Freddy kept pulling on the faces of one of the presumed captors as if the guy was wearing a mask. If there was ever a time I wanted to lose my glasses, that was it.”

Following the incident, former Mystery Inc. associate Norville “Shaggy” Rogers quit amateur crime-solving to focus on “personal endeavors.”

“Like, I don’t know, man. After what we saw, solving petty crimes with a talking dog, and occasionally Batman or The Harlem Globetrotters, just seems ridiculous now. But I’m especially worried about how Scoob is taking it,” said Shaggy. “He’s barely eating, and his speech has been more incoherent than usual. Then last week, I invited our old pals Jonny Quest and Hadji over, but Scoob freaked out and attacked them. He chomped Hadji’s turban right off his head.”

Therapist Dr. Leo Grant claimed that several members of the so-called “Scooby-Doo gang” are likely suffering from PTSD.

“In addition to talking about their experiences with a professional, I believe that finding a way to channel this negativity is key to moving past it,” said Dr. Grant. “For instance, I know Velma and Daphne are starting a true crime podcast, and Freddy has since come out of the closet.”

When reached for comment, a despondent Scooby-Doo added, “Rife is meaningless and all our graves go untended. Rhere is no God. Ruh-roh.”

Depressed Woman Accidentally Breaks Hot Dog-Eating World Record

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local depressed woman Jane Lively mindlessly broke the hot dog-eating world record yesterday after consuming 76 weiners in her darkened, unkempt living room, concerned but impressed sources confirmed.

“Last week I didn’t feel like doing meal planning, so instead I just nabbed a palette of hot dogs from Costco,” said Lively. “I barely remember it, really — I threw a shit-ton of dogs into a boiling pot and put on a Frightened Rabbit record. Less than an hour later, I’ve got an empty tray in front of me, right before I locked into ‘Unsolved Mysteries’ reruns with the sound off. Most days I feel like I barely exist, so the last thing I’d expected was to ever break a world record.”

Former Guinness World Records representative Thomas Sandoval verified Lively’s record-breaking depression binge using footage sent by her roommate, Cassie Degas, who started filming “somewhere around number 12 or 13.”

“I’ll be honest, it took me a while to realize I was watching Ms. Lively and not a found-footage horror film [Degas] sent me by mistake. I’ve never seen such a joyless and disturbing world record attempt in my life,” said Sandoval. “She’s obviously not a trained competitive eater, but she was still dipping the buns in water and eating three dogs at a time. I couldn’t even finish all the footage — instead, I just gave her the record and then immediately quit my job. I’ll also never eat another hot dog so long as I live.”

Former world record holder Joey Chestnut was outraged by Lively’s use of “performance enhancing debilitating illnesses.”

“It’s bullshit, if you ask me. I’ve trained for years to become the best at gorging and debasing my body with encased meat, only to be upstaged by this woman and her chemical imbalance,” said Chestnut. “Call me an ableist, but there needs to be a separate league for depressed people… or at least, put an asterisk next to her name until she starts taking SSRIs.”

Lively’s friends and family are pushing for her to seek professional help, but only after competing in the official Nathan’s hot dog-eating contest later this year.

Here’s Why I Quit Skating to Focus on Giving UTIs Full-Time

Posted on by Dom Turek

Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your career that you lose sight of what’s really important, which is why I decided to quit my job as an almost semi-pro skater to focus on giving women the time and urinary tract infections they deserve.

Skating is my life, don’t get me wrong, but it’s really time-consuming and the guy at the skate shop stopped giving me free boards after I slept with his girlfriend, so now seems as good a time as any to give up the dream of going pro. I peaked back in ’98 anyway when I was featured in an issue Thrasher, which in some circles is actually just as cool as going pro, if not cooler.

Even though skating will always be my first love, sometimes you have to admit that the thing you love and the thing you’re good at aren’t the same, and unfortunately, I’m just a lot better at giving UTIs to unsuspecting women than I am at riding a skateboard.

According to my ex-girlfriend and multiple urgent care doctors, skating for hours in the summer without underwear is a “recipe for disaster,” but I think they’re just jealous because I get laid so much more than the both of them combined. I’m not about to spend money I don’t have on pricey underwear or soap, even if the bacteria build up around my frenulum does “make my dick look like it has pink-eye.”

Despite some hasty accusations from past hookups, I’ve never once intentionally given anyone a UTI. It just happens naturally every single time my dick touches someone, which is why it felt like my calling. When someone solves a Rubik’s Cube without trying they’re labeled a genius, but when I give hundreds of people UTIs without trying I’m “canceled.” Please explain that to me.

Everyone knows pain and pleasure are two sides of the same coin, like experiencing childbirth or getting a hair out of the back of your throat, which is why I’m more than happy to provide women with a few minutes of extreme pleasure in exchange for what will likely be a weeklong battle on the toilet as the Amoxicillin tries to stop the infection before it can reach her kidneys.

Trapt Issues “Start and Persist” Letter Urging Trump Campaign to Start Using “Headstrong”

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — Trapt frontman Chris Taylor Brown issued an enthusiastic “start and persist” letter yesterday urging President Donald Trump to play the band’s lone hit “Headstrong” at his campaign events for the foreseeable future.

“I would like to thank the fake-ass media for gathering here today — I want to start by saying I could easily beat the fuck out of all of you,” said Brown at a press conference earlier this morning. “For too long, the reelection campaign of President Trump, the baddest motherfucker to ever run for office, has ignored my 2002 banger ‘Headstrong.’ As one of the few true rockers repping the Donald, I am entitled to a position on his playlist, and that is why I wrote this letter. Any libs or cucks have a problem with that, they know where to find me — on top of the motherfuckin’ Pandora streaming charts.”

Facing some gaps in event pre-show programming following a series of complaints from artists, the Trump administration reluctantly agreed to start playing the song at all of its rallies.

“It’s not so much that it was well written or persuasive, or that a ‘start and persist’ letter is even a real thing,” said Trump’s campaign manager, Brad Parscale. “It’s just that after the most recent grievance from the estate of Tom Petty, our pre-show playlist has been whittled down to a handful of Ted Nugent songs and several clips of James Woods’ dialogue from the movie ‘Casino.’ We really have no choice but to lean on ‘Headstrong’ very heavily in the coming months.”

Despite the reluctant partnership, Trump announced the new union on Twitter earlier this morning with an enthusiasm that seemed to contradict Parscale’s version.

“Very excited to be working with the good Americans in Trapt,” tweeted Trump in the early hours of the morning. “HUGE rock stars and one of the best and most popular acts working today. No more songs by LOSER Tom Petty or SWEATY Bruce Springsteen!! Headstrong into 2020!! I have a very nice head.”

Brown has since been named the newest Press Secretary of the White House.

Gotham Rules Batman Can Only Break One Limb on a Guy

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

GOTHAM CITY — Gotham City has passed a controversial new bill that would restrict famed vigilante crime fighter Batman to only breaking a single limb on any suspected criminals he assaults. 

“We have reconsidered our longstanding policy of looking the other way when Batman absolutely destroys some of these low level criminals he encounters, who are often guilty of no more than robbery or trespassing,” said Commissioner Gordon, who’s longtime relationship with the Caped Crusader has been called into question by the citizens of Gotham for years. “From now on, Batman will limit his interrogation techniques to merely snapping one of a guy’s arms or legs while he’s violently punishing them for what they’ve done to our property. No more of this senseless breaking of arms and legs. We will do better.” 

The amendment to Batman’s conduct was announced following weeks of protests calling for him to receive less funding from the city. Today’s move reportedly falls short of the protestor’s demands. 

“This is not what we’ve been asking for,” said Shana Stillworth, a local activist. “What we’ve been asking for is Gotham to invest a fraction of the money they spend on Batman related reconstruction projects into programs that would help our weird, weird ghettos prosper. Not for arbitrary restrictions on the amount of unprovoked violence Batman can invoke on someone in a dark alley who is meant to be innocent until proven guilty. This is not progress!”

Billionaire socialite Bruce Wayne was quick to defend the techniques of Batman, who has helped the controversial public figure out of more than one pickle in the past. 

“Look, there’s no way of knowing for sure, but I bet Batman would tell you he’s just using the standard rules of henchmen engagement in most of these situations,” said Wayne in a public statement given earlier today. “Let’s give the guy a break. And look, if I see him, I’ll ask him to stop running over so many people with his Batmobile. I think even he would admit that’s been a little much lately.” 

As of press time, a group of protestors had toppled the statue of former Gotham mayoral candidate Oswald Cobblepot outside of city hall to display their dissatisfaction.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: