Opinion: I Actually Do Want to Die, Just Not for the Economy

Life is meaningless, our world is in flames, and all hope is futile. But just because I’m dead on the inside does not mean I should have to die for real by going back to my job bartending at Applebee’s during the eye of a pandemic.

Usually, I’d love a scenario involving widespread confusion, hazard, and death. I am completely on-board for dying in the following scenarios: alien invasion, apocalyptic volcano eruption, massive cattle stampede, or werewolf uprising. But dying for the economy? I’ve had many fantasies of my own death and the only one that involved the economy was a bank heist gone wrong.

2020 hasn’t exactly done wonders for my mental health. I’ve always been depressed. A tortured genius. A brooding soul. I’m very poetic. Have been ever since I turned 12 and heard my first Joy Division song cover by Fall Out Boy. However, despite my desire to experience the sweet release of death, I also promised myself that I wouldn’t go out for some normcore bullshit.

If I wanted to die for the economy I would’ve just enlisted in the army.

It’s all such a waste. Existence in general, but this situation, specifically. My untimely demise was going to be mysterious and poetic. It should have involved a betrayed love, an unexplained disappearance in the mountains, a cryptic letter, maybe even a satanic cult. Nope. Instead, my death will likely involve strawberry daiquiris and loaded potato skins. As I draw my final breath, “Drops of Jupiter” by Train will probably be playing.

Technically my governor is sentencing me to death, which almost sounds pretty cool for a second. But if my elected officials want to kill me, the least they could do is show up at my door with a gun or a knife and do it themselves. Cowards. Even better, they could bring a guillotine! Most of my death ideations actually involve guillotines, especially the bank heist one.

But sending me back to work to get respiratory failure all so you can keep the crank turning on the capitalist meat-grinder? Hell no. I’ve always wanted to be a to exist as a disembodied spirit, but I swear to God if I have to spend an eternity haunting this Applebee’s, I’m ghost-pissing in everybody’s spinach and artichoke dip.

FBI Agent Praying He Doesn’t Get Assigned to TikTok Unit

WASHINGTON — FBI Agent Raymond Kesler is desperately hoping to avoid assignment to the Bureau’s newly formed TikTok surveillance unit, which would involve following users on the social media platform’s claims of subterfuge.

“Please, God, don’t make me do this,” murmured the veteran intelligence specialist, deliberately avoiding eye-contact as his boss walked by. “I know the kids on TikTok are getting political now, and someone has to monitor their activity and dampen their activism, but please don’t let it be me. If I have to spend my days combing through hours of dance videos, half-assed pranks, and the least funny people on the planet doing impressions, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’d rather watch terrorist beheadings.”

Kesler’s sentiments are not uncommon within the department, according to Deputy Director Donna Mell, who is in charge of compiling the roster for the special TikTok unit.

“Nobody wants to go anywhere near this one,” said Mell. “I’ve got guys who have gone undercover in the mob, assassinated politicians, and spent the night in Area 51 with nothing more than a flashlight, and they’re terrified at the thought of monitoring TikTok. All week they’ve been bringing me coffee and offering to do my paperwork because they know I’m the one who decides if they’ll spend the rest of their career writing pro-capitalist comments on a 12-year-old’s lip sync video.”

TikTok may be a new issue for the FBI, but former agent Gary McCloskey noted that surveilling internet culture has been an undesirable assignment in the Bureau for decades.

“Back in the ’90s, we had to patrol thousands of message boards, scanning obscure music discussions and ‘X-Files’ forums for anything suspicious. And it was hard work — kids were coming up with slang terms and acronyms faster than our linguistics team could decipher them,” McCloskey recalled. “Then I got shipped over to the YouTube unit and spent a decade analyzing teen culture for radical elements. It was miserable. The fact that I even know what the ‘cinnamon challenge’ is makes me question why I ever got into this business in the first place.”

At press time, after learning that he had officially been chosen for the TikTok task force, Agent Kesler hastily began making copies of classified documents that he could trade to the Russians in exchange for asylum.

Racist JRPG Fan Casts Heal on Entire Party Whenever Black Character Injured

BOSTON — Offending his viewers by asserting that all of his characters’ hit points matter equally, JRPG enthusiast and known racist William Jepsen came under fire this week while streaming Final Fantasy XIII after repeatedly casting Curaja to heal every party member whenever the party’s lone black character, Sazh Katzroy, became injured.

“Everyone in my stream gets mad at me when I do this because they say it’s unfair to waste actions on totally healthy white characters,” said Jepsen, while casting yet another unnecessary Curaja spell costing additional ATB points that could have been used to just heal Sazh more effectively when he needed it. “See? Look! Sazh isn’t the only one in danger, Vanille just got hit for 15 points of damage. Luckily she’s alright because she’s wearing the most expensive set of armor I could afford, but I’d better cast Curaja again just to be safe.”

“All characters matter,” Jepsen said to angered fans. “Especially the ones who don’t currently need healing in any way.”

Viewers quickly began unsubscribing from Jepsen’s Twitch in protest of his actions.

“As if the FFXIII thing wasn’t bad enough, he did it again when he streamed Final Fantasy 7 Remake, which I think he did to purposely antagonize people further,” said Kailey Bauer, a former viewer. “At first I thought it was just strategy because Barrett works well as a tank in that game, but then the only way he’d ever recover Barrett’s HP was by using the Pray materia which heals everyone. Then when people started complaining, he equipped Barrett with a Barrier materia and said that he should learn to pull himself up by his bootstraps. He really deserves to lose all of his followers for this offensive behavior.”

At press time, Jepsen had caused even further controversy by refusing to stream Astral Chain due to its portrayal of police officers being injured.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

How I Got Promoted From Regular Police to Secret Police After Several Misconduct Allegations and Administrative Leaves

Few people know this but it’s incredibly easy to become a cop. Hell, it’s easier than becoming a middle school gym teacher, but hey, we can’t all land our dream job. My precinct straight up handed me a badge and gun one day after I demonstrated a few moves I learned from watching some COPS. Not the TV show; specific police officers who happened to be beating my neighbor into a coma. They were the ones doing the hiring, so watching them and doing nothing certainly paid off.

Being a cop was pretty cool for a few years but all the while I toiled away, quietly dreaming of being promoted to the coveted “secret police.” A magical department with ultimate authority and no accountability. No reprimanding. No consequences. Just freedom to do the bidding of our dear leader. Like the Gestapo, but different, in that it’s somehow even more Gestapo-y.

Fortunately, through hard work and perseverance, I skirted the few laws we pretend to abide by, dishing out every extra bit of excessive force possible. With every handcuffed and fully restrained suspect who “accidentally” died in my custody or every sex worker I coerced into sex in exchange for letting them go (which I never did, by the way. It’s a thin blue line, after all), I knew I was one step closer to living that sweet, sweet life. That S.S. life.

Finally, after several performative warnings and fully paid administrative leaves later, I finally got my big break and received the call that I was being promoted to Trump’s secret Nazi police force. Sorry, I mean Trump’s Nazi police force. The dream job!

Maybe it’s the surge of unmitigated power talking, but I feel like I could lift a car and throw it at a mother breastfeeding in public. In life, you have to aim high and keep grinding until you make it. I guarantee you, too, can have a rewarding career of violently obstructing the rights of your fellow citizens.

B.C. Rich Guitars Expands Business to Pointy, Blood-Soaked Clarinets

LOS ANGELES — B.C. Rich, a company famous for making electric guitars popular in the heavy metal music scene, will expand into manufacturing classical instruments, beginning with a line of bloody, dangerous-looking clarinets.

“B.C. Rich is a name synonymous with pointy guitars, faux blood finishes, and awful tone, and we are excited to finally bring these qualities to the woodwind family,” said spokesperson Lisa Carmichael. “We realize that no one has sincerely wanted a B.C. Rich guitar since about 1989, but those classical nerds are gonna shit their pants when they see these in stores. Just like how every thrash band worth their weight has at least one B.C. Rich guitar on stage, so will every badass orchestra cranking out Debussy’s Impressionistic bangers.”

A member of the London Symphony Orchestra has already entered into an artist agreement with B.C. Rich’s new endeavors.

“I started playing clarinet in grade two, but I always wished I played guitar,” recounted LSO first chair clarinetist Eugene Melnik. “People assume I love Tchaikovsky and Bach, but you can find me playing Slayer or Venom in my spare time. It’s nice that I finally have a pointy, uncomfortable clarinet that reflects my personality. The best part is the reed is printed to look like the tongue of a demon — sure, it’s hard to play and heavy and sounds like ass, but it scares my symphony-mates. Worth it.”

Longtime B.C. Rich endorsee and Slayer guitarist Kerry King shared thoughts on the company’s expansion into other instruments.

“I was a B.C. Rich artist for over 20 years, but our relationship soured when they wouldn’t make me a signature guitar that said, ‘Suck poop, God!’ and had brown stains all over it,” explained King. “So I’m not surprised they have to get income from non-guitar sources now. They better not steal my idea of making these clarinets smell like rotting corpses.”

A leak at B.C. Rich revealed that phase two of their expansion will unveil new sharp, spike-covered trumpets that weigh 24 pounds and don’t fit into any existing cases.

Zoom Cast Reunion of Geico’s ‘Cavemen’ Raises $17 for Charity

LOS ANGELES — The cast of ABC’s 2007 television show Cavemen reunited for a Zoom table read of an unaired episode raised $17 for the American Civil Liberties Union, according to three people who caught the livestream.

“I gotta be honest, I thought a few more people would show up,” said comedian Nick Kroll who reportedly played one of the Cavemen in the Geico show. “I get that people didn’t like the show when it aired, but I’m pretty famous now! Maybe I should have gotten Mulaney to do a part. It’s not like people would have known that he wasn’t in the original show.”

Similar to other shows that have held Zoom table reads for charity, the cast of Cavemen read the script of an unaired episode, episode 8, which would have been released one week after the show was canceled.

“When I clicked, I thought it was gonna be some cool Big Mouth thing or whatever,” said viewer Anna Hunt. “Instead I got some weird caveman metaphor for… black people? I don’t know what was going on, but I was uncomfortable, so I donated $15 to make myself feel a little better about it. Nick threw in an extra $2, which I thought was cool of him.”

“Another weird thing,” Hunt added, “was that I couldn’t tell if people were in their costumes as cavemen or if that was just their quarantine look. We live in shitty times.”

According to those who watched the livestream, it was abruptly cut off 40 minutes into the read, due to no one purchasing a Zoom subscription.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Suspicious Protestor with Mohawk, Lots of Gold Chains Topples Philadelphia’s “Rocky” Statue

PHILADELPHIA — An anonymous protestor sporting a distinctive mohawk, dozens of gold chains, and American flag Zubaz pants was spotted yesterday toppling the Rocky Balboa movie prop statue from the film “Rocky III,” relieved and tourist-hating Philadelphians confirmed.

“Look at this bronze fool — it’s a paper statue. I’m gonna beat this monument like a dog. A dog! My prediction for the future of that statue? Pain,” the mohawked man shouted at the inanimate statue as countless demonstrators cheered him on. “I saw your movie ‘Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot.’ This bum don’t even treat his momma right. No respect, no class. You comin’ down, sucka.”

Other protestors quickly realized the mohawked man was not associated with the push to remove Confederate statues, and seemingly had a personal vendetta against the fictional Italian boxer.

“At first I was glad to see someone defacing that bullshit Rocky statue — why is there a monument to a made-up white boxer, and not Philly’s real-life champ, Joe Frazier? But when I offered to help, the mohawk guy screamed, ‘Quit your jibber-jabber, stay in school, and grab that rope, fool,’” said protestor Alicia Villegas. “I tried my hardest to yank it off its bolts, but it was really difficult with a grown man telling me incessantly to believe in myself and avoid drugs. Eventually I gave up and left. The guy screamed something about pitying me, but I couldn’t make out the rest.”

Actor Sylvester Stallone, who gifted Philadelphia the statue city officials begrudgingly accepted, was saddened by the news.

“It’s a real shame to see protestors destroying monuments to great Americans like Robert E. Lee, Christopher Columbus, and of course, me, you know? Luckily, I’ve got about 12 or so backup bronze statues of Rocky, and I’m shipping one to the Philadelphia Museum of Art as we speak,” said Stallone. “The city didn’t return my calls, but I’m sure they’re thrilled.”

Unfortunately, the mohawked protestor was injured after accidentally pulling the two-ton statue down on his right leg. Paramedics attempted to airlift the man to nearby Jefferson Hospital, but were forced to sedate him via tranquilizer-spiked milk due to the alleged vandalizer’s intense fear of flying.

Cashier No Longer Considered Hero After 2012 Tweets Resurface

DEDHAM, Mass. — Local Star Market employee Jimmy West will no longer be applauded for his brave commitment to serving the community following the discovery of a series of Tweets he composed in seventh grade, disgusted sources confirm.

“I thought he was a good kid from a good family… but it turns out he’s a fat-shaming bigot. I’ve already talked to management about getting a refund for all the food I bought here over the years that he rang me up for,” said local Twitter activist Paul Walsh. “He claims that he’s grown up a lot since he was in middle school, but I don’t buy it. If his family doesn’t immediately seek to emancipate themselves from any connection with him, they are complicit and should also be run out of town.”

West claimed the controversial Tweets, which followed a 2012 episode of NBC’s reality show “The Biggest Loser,” were only a joke and that he’s never harbored any ill will towards anyone of any size.

“I really had no idea those Tweets were such a big deal to people. I made two posts that night: one said, ‘This fat old guy looks like he ate a tire,’ and the other said, ‘I wouldn’t want any of these fatties to sit on me.’ I don’t even remember writing them, but now everywhere I go, people spit on me and tell me my mother should’ve had an abortion,” said West. “I don’t know why anybody cares — I only had nine Twitter followers and I haven’t used that site since I graduated high school. I’m afraid to go to my car after work every day because there’s always a sea of people who yell ‘big is beautiful’ at me.”

Social media experts say this is a more common occurrence due to so-called “cancel culture.”

“Over the past few years, countless individuals have been held accountable for their disgusting behavior when it comes to racist remarks or abuse against women. Because so many obvious targets have already been ‘canceled,’ there is a growing faction of people looking to get offended by anything and everything people say, even if the offender has no real social standing,” said Twitter analyst Lara Sullster. “The only solace most canceled people can count on is the fact that their ‘canceler’ will be called out soon enough for sending women obscene messages on Instagram. It happens every time.”

Compounding controversy for Star Market, online activists called on the community to boycott the chain after another store’s night janitor was accused of ageism and sexism for declaring ‘The Golden Girls’ overrated back in 1988.

I Assure You, My Nazi Police Are NOT Socialists

A young man came up to me while I was golfing yesterday, and said, “Mr. Trump, your Nazi socialist secret police force is,” blah blah blah, something about Portland. I told him, I can I assure you no secret police force of mine would ever be involved in such vile politics. It’s disgusting, really. I assured him as I assure all of you fine people, none of the Nazi police forces I am currently deploying are made up of socialists.

I know that in the original German—I’m talking about the GOOD German, before Angela Merkel—”Nazi” was a word that had something to do with socialism. Now, now, don’t boo. The Nazi’s weren’t perfect, but they had some good ideas. And we’re making those ideas great again. That’s why each member of my secret police—I hear people calling them the “Trump’stapo” and I like that—has been thoroughly vetted for any connection to socialism of any kind. We cannot allow ideas that take away freedom into our police state.

Folks, my protection squadron is as capitalist as they come. We have a trickle-down system. The rich are at the top and our piss “trickles down” on blue-collar workers like the police, economically speaking of course, and they, in turn, “piss” on the rights of all Americans, including their own. It’s simple economics, folks. I don’t have time to explain it, just keep fighting each other.

To any scared babies worried that the world’s best and most secret paramilitary force could abduct and detain you against your will in direct violation of your rights, you can rest easy knowing the masked men doing it are not seeking to seize the means of production. If you find yourself abducted on the streets—when maybe you shouldn’t have been outside at all—simply identify yourself as a subservient member to the throne while they’re waterboarding you with homegrown, American gasoline.

Anyway, keep fighting amongst yourselves and go Redskins!

Radiohead Picks Wrong Time to Reveal “Kid A” Stands for “Kid Antebellum”

ABINGDON, Oxfordshire, U.K. — Experimental rock band Radiohead revealed today that their seminal album “Kid A” actually stands for “Kid Antebellum,” deciding for some reason that they should tell this to the world amid controversy over the band Lady Antebellum’s name.

“Ante bellum means ‘before the war,’ and since we consider our plunge into the mainstream to be a war for our artistic integrity, ‘Kid A’ was supposed to be about our infancy — get it? Like a kid, before the war?” Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke explained, slowly, methodically, and half in falsetto. “Discovering the implication of prejudice changes everything, but rather than change the name, we’re gonna just claim the song has always been about racial injustice this whole time instead… or maybe I’ll just say I’m kidding about what the A stands for. Who’s gonna know?”

Radiohead’s longtime manager Chris Hufford has been in crisis mode trying to mitigate the damage.

“I begged them not to tell anyone — especially now, but really ever,” Hufford exclaimed while commanding an army of PR reps and paying off blog editors not to publish the story. “Radiohead has had a stellar reputation in the industry. For them to say this now is probably some kind of societal statement… or maybe an epic prank on me? Who knows with these guys? They’re insane. Just listen to everything they’ve released since ‘In Rainbows.’”

In the midst of litigation over the band name “Lady A,” the band formerly known as Lady Antebellum is going after Radiohead for their album name as well.

“It doesn’t matter that their thing came out a billion years ago, or that they’re probably joking, or that we’re trying to distance from the name. It’s ours, and we want it back!” singer Hillary Scott said while Googling the name “Antebellum” to ensure no one else is using it yet. “It’s like when your kid turns out to be a serial killer, but they’re still your kid — the name might be racist, but it’s our racist name. If those pale English dorks think they will get away with this, they have another thing coming.”

In related news, Coldplay’s Chris Martin also revealed today a hidden meaning in one of their songs, alleging that “Viva La Vida” was actually “Viva L.A. Vida,” or “Live The Lady Antebellum Life.”

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