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B.C. Rich Guitars Expands Business to Pointy, Blood-Soaked Clarinets

LOS ANGELES — B.C. Rich, a company famous for making electric guitars popular in the heavy metal music scene, will expand into manufacturing classical instruments, beginning with a line of bloody, dangerous-looking clarinets.

“B.C. Rich is a name synonymous with pointy guitars, faux blood finishes, and awful tone, and we are excited to finally bring these qualities to the woodwind family,” said spokesperson Lisa Carmichael. “We realize that no one has sincerely wanted a B.C. Rich guitar since about 1989, but those classical nerds are gonna shit their pants when they see these in stores. Just like how every thrash band worth their weight has at least one B.C. Rich guitar on stage, so will every badass orchestra cranking out Debussy’s Impressionistic bangers.”

A member of the London Symphony Orchestra has already entered into an artist agreement with B.C. Rich’s new endeavors.

“I started playing clarinet in grade two, but I always wished I played guitar,” recounted LSO first chair clarinetist Eugene Melnik. “People assume I love Tchaikovsky and Bach, but you can find me playing Slayer or Venom in my spare time. It’s nice that I finally have a pointy, uncomfortable clarinet that reflects my personality. The best part is the reed is printed to look like the tongue of a demon — sure, it’s hard to play and heavy and sounds like ass, but it scares my symphony-mates. Worth it.”

Longtime B.C. Rich endorsee and Slayer guitarist Kerry King shared thoughts on the company’s expansion into other instruments.

“I was a B.C. Rich artist for over 20 years, but our relationship soured when they wouldn’t make me a signature guitar that said, ‘Suck poop, God!’ and had brown stains all over it,” explained King. “So I’m not surprised they have to get income from non-guitar sources now. They better not steal my idea of making these clarinets smell like rotting corpses.”

A leak at B.C. Rich revealed that phase two of their expansion will unveil new sharp, spike-covered trumpets that weigh 24 pounds and don’t fit into any existing cases.