Sleep Study Finds 40% Of People Produce Giant Inflating Snot Bubble During REM Cycle

Posted on by Grant Mulitz

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Noting a breakthrough in our understanding of human sleep behaviors, researchers at U.C. Santa Cruz have found about 40% of people will form a gigantic, inflating snot bubble during the REM cycle, indicating to everyone watching that they are in the deepest phases of sleep.

“A pulsating mucus glob of three-to-five inches in diameter was the most common sign that a subject was fast asleep” stated the findings, adding that snot bubbles tend to appear most often when a person falls asleep at hilariously inappropriate times, such as in the middle of a conversation, when a teacher calls on them in class, or right before a dramatic battle sequence.

“Our findings that two out of five people generate snot balloons in their sleep flies in the face of our assumptions that this only happens to background characters or as quirky comic relief,” says lead investigator Dr. Richard Markos. “It seems to be incredibly common. In fact, in one out of twenty cases, a person’s snot balloon can grow big enough to float them away on a spiritual journey across the ocean.”

Markos and his team also observed how popping a person’s snot bubble impacted their sleep pattern.

“In all cases, popping the nasal discharge with a sharp pin woke the subject up from their slumber with a 100 percent success rate. We are unsure whether that is because the pops were really loud, or if there is some underlying neurological connection between snot bubbles and the brain. That is a topic for further research.”

The survey also notes that, when told the results of the study, participants expressed visible embarrassment about their snot bubbles by forming one giant bead of sweat gliding down their bright blue forehead.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

My Son Uses Gender Neutral Pronouns and I Respect His Identity

Posted on by Luke Woodward

Navigating complicated issues around young people and gender can be confusing and even frustrating at times. Well this father is tackling those issues head-on. I’m a pretty old school guy but my love for my family exceeds all else. That’s why I am proud to say that my son uses gender neutral pronouns and I respect his identity.

When Alex came to me and told me he thought he was nonbinary and would like me to start using gender neutral pronouns for him, I was initially very perplexed. He had always enjoyed sports and other boy activities. Oops, sorry. I know anyone can play sports. I’m trying. Plus, he had never given any outward indication that he was struggling with his identity. However, after reading many stories of young LGBT people suffering in silence, I can only sit with my regret for not helping him sooner. Poor little guy.

When Alex explained the concept of dysphoria to me, it opened my eyes to how he feels about his body. Cisgender boys take for granted feeling comfortable in their bodies, while people like my son struggle with intense feelings of physical and mental anguish. I try to help him however I can but it’s just so hard seeing such a gentleman suffer.

Please parents, do not let your boy become another statistic. So many trans youth commit suicide due to lack of acceptance from peers and family and we cannot sit silently by and watch this continue. If your little guy wants to explore different pronoun options, don’t assume you know how he feels. Just be supportive.

Alex did ask us to call him “Peyton” but this is a Patriots house and that shit just ain’t gonna fly.

Punk Roommates Argue Over Whose Turn It Is to Throw the Dishes Out

Posted on by Dom Turek

ZANESVILLE, Ohio — Tensions between two punk roommates are on the rise today after a months-long feud over whose turn it is to throw a sink full of dirty dishes in the trash has yet to resolve itself.

“He contributes nothing to this house,” said local punk Tara Mendez of roommate Damon Lambert, while sipping her coffee out of a repurposed wonton soup container. “When was the last time he stole some groceries for the house… or cleaned his pube trimmings out of the sink without being asked? I can’t be the only one who tosses three-month-old moldy pots of mac’n’cheese out instead of washing them — throwing away a few forks and knives every now and then is the absolute least he could do.”

Although Mendez claims she was the last roommate to tackle the dirty dishes, her history with inhalants and untreated concussions have left some doubting her memory recall.

“She ‘remembers’ tossing the dishes last? That’s funny,” an irate Lambert stated. “I didn’t know her brain could do that — she certainly doesn’t seem to remember that she owes me $50, and I guess she also doesn’t remember I was the one who threw all the dishes away last Thanksgiving when she used every pot and pan in the house trying to make Tofurky and ‘stuffing,’ which just ended up being a blob of wet bread.”

For his part, third roommate Paul Burke suggested washing the dishes instead of throwing them out — an idea mostly met with animosity.

“Maybe I grew up in a more traditional home, where a porcelain dish handed down from your grandmother wasn’t considered a single-use item,” said Burke, eating a bowl of cereal with chopsticks. “ But I’ve gotten pretty good with these things. I’d do the dishes myself, but I don’t think there’s any soap on the market strong enough to cut through that grease, or blood, or whatever’s crusted on there.”

At press time, the roommates were arguing over whose turn it was to steal a roll of toilet paper from the bar downstairs.

New Sesame Street Episode Brought to You by the Letters ACAB

Posted on by Gabie Barnes

NEW YORK — Breaking tradition with the usual format of having episodes sponsored by single letters, a bruised, exhausted-looking Big Bird announced to viewers that week’s episode of Sesame Street was “brought to you by the letters ‘ACAB.’” 

“It’s time for the letter of the day! But today, we have a special treat, because there are actually four letters of the day today,” said Big Bird, who had been confronted by police officers on the corner of Sesame Street earlier in the episode for sleeping outside, despite trying to explain that his large nest was actually zoned as a residence and that he had proper documentation. “The first letter of the day is ‘A’, and it’s actually the third letter, too! Let’s list some words that start with A: words like accost, assault, arrest, and abuse, as in abuse of power, which the police on Sesame Street and all throughout our country are often guilty of!”

“That’s right, Big Bird,” agreed Elmo, who’s father Louie had been the target of a stop-and-frisk procedure during the episode’s second act. “Elmo’s daddy was stopped for a search while walking down the street with Elmo just because they thought he matched the description of a suspect in the area. The description was for a purple monster wearing a Hawaiian shirt, not a red monster wearing a tracksuit jacket. That’s why the second letter of the day is ‘C’, like the quotas that the police care more about than daddy’s rights!”

“Oh, actually, Elmo, ‘quota’ starts with a Q, not a C,” added Big Bird, still nursing his wounds from the earlier police interaction. “A ‘quota’ is a numerical milestone that officers must meet over a period of time. Officers have quotas for activities like traffic stops or ticket citations. These numbers are completely arbitrary and do not reflect the needs of the community. There’s a word that actually does start with C! Community!”

Sources say that Big Bird and Elmo continued discussing police reform for several minutes before being disrupted by Cookie Monster, who incorrectly assumed that the letters ‘ACAB’ were short for ‘All Cookies Are Beautiful.’

At press time, members of the Sesame Street community released a joint statement to say that, while generally they are accepting of all animals, they wanted to make one particular message loud and clear: “fuck pigs.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Space in Brain Reserved for Learning New Language Taken Up by Every Lyric from Ace of Base’s “The Sign”

Posted on by Krissy Howard

BATON ROUGE, La. — The space reserved for learning a new language in the brain of local woman Mariko Hess is instead storing every lyric from the 1993 album “The Sign” by pop group Ace of Base, according to unsurprised sources.

“I’ve been trying to learn Spanish for like, 15 years, and I can’t seem to retain anything more than something about a bathroom and a library… but I can still remember every word from that album I was listening to a lot when I was 11,” said admitted “Base-head” Hess. “This is what I get for making my cousins choreograph that dance in Myrtle Beach that one summer and insisting on being ‘the brown hair one.’ Man, fuck me.”

A now monolingual Hess realizes the error of her ways.

“If I could un-remember any of it, believe me, I would. You think I like walking around just having the lines, ‘When she woke up late in the morning light and the day had just begun, she opened up her eyes and thought… oh what a morning?’ What the fuck is that? I can’t conjugate to save my life, and those lyrics clogging up my brain is why,” Hess stated. “The worst part is, it’s not even just those hits that everyone knows from the radio that’s stuck in there, it’s the whole goddamn thing — I got ‘Dancer in a Daydream’ just permanently imprinted on my temporal lobe, and that’s from the second half of the album! When was I even listening to that part?”

Cognitive psychologist Dr. Brenda de la Vega assured Hess that she isn’t the only person who struggles with carrying “dumb as fuck” information well into adulthood.

“While many believe that humans only use 10% of their brain, the truth is that 90% is simply filled with random and entirely useless information — like the apartment number of your ex’s grandmother from 2006,” Dr. de la Vega said. “In a few years, we hope to develop a feature that will allow us to simply delete any unwanted information taking up space in our minds to make room for more timely pursuits, like Candy Crush.”

In related news, today also marks the 19th time Hess has tried to learn to crochet and given up, this time thanks to remembering every word from the rap part in TLC’s “Waterfalls.”

Opinion: Once You’re on the Mattress You Can’t Even Tell It’s on the Floor

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

Look, this is pure physics. Are you going to argue with the laws of physics? Once you’re on the mattress, you can’t tell it’s on the floor because you no longer have the context of your surroundings. Trust me. You wanna find out? My mattress is on the floor in my bedroom and we can prove the theory whenever you want!

See, you already know the mattress is on the floor but if you can get past that psychologically there is literally no difference. Do you think your inner ear can sense the minute difference in altitude? Trick question, that’s not even what the inner ear does. Trust me, I’ve had plenty of people share that bed with me. Seriously, so many. And once we’re in bed; no complaints. Well, a slightly below average number of complaints. But definitely none related to the lack of bed frame.

Let me put it this way. You know how when you’re in a car you feel like you’re sitting still even though the car is going 60 miles per hour? It’s the same basic concept. If you were outside the car you would feel it moving but, because you’re inside, you lose your point of reference as the car moves around you. Same with the bed. Because you’re on the mattress, you have no point of reference to indicate the elevation off the ground. Don’t believe me, let’s test it out and I’ll show you.

I call it the Mattress Axiom, and trust me, I have explained it thoroughly to countless women. Can you feel a difference once you’re upstairs in your house? No. Stop lying, you can’t. As long as everything else is level with you, your brain will no longer sense the difference. Therefore, as long as the other person/people are also on the mattress with you, your brain will lose its source for contextual analysis indicative of elevation. This is pretty basic stuff.

It’s like Dr. Schrodinger said in his world renowned thought experiment, “Until you step off the bed, the mattress is both on the ground and on a bed frame. And as everyone knows, Dr. Schrodinger had his mattress on the ground… and yeah, he fucks.”

Report: Power Rangers Receive 0 Hours of Training Before Being Given Lethal Megazord

Posted on by Just Lunning

ANGEL GROVE, Calif. — Despite receiving absolutely no training of any kind, the adolescent vigilante group “Power Rangers” were reportedly handed blasters and keys to a 600-foot Megazord composed of five lethal mechanical marvels to use however they saw fit.

“As far as we can tell, there is no certification process in place before giving these kids enough firepower to destroy a small army,” said a spokesperson for a local anti-Ranger activist group. “Not even a 20-minute video about how to deescalate a situation with a giant mole monster. Nothing.”

While the Power Rangers were once seen as “cool” for saving the world on occasion, their role was called into question after leaked helmet-cam footage showed them escalating a conflict with local monster Scuba Conniver. The short clip shows the high school students firing explosives at the suspect’s chest until he is completely incapacitated, then forming into the colossal Megazord in order to execute the unconscious monster with an energy blast.

“It took them like, three minutes to form that shape, and that blast used enough energy to power the city for months. Meanwhile the dude was just flailing around and grunting,” wrote one commenter under the video. “Is that really easier than reading his Miranda Rights? Couldn’t these kids be replaced with social workers?”

“These so-called ‘evil’ monsters shouldn’t be facing executioners that just want to fire explosions so they can look cool,” commented Leanbow, a former monster who was rehabilitated into a respected member of society. “They should be facing therapists who can help them grapple with their desire for approval and channel it into productive activities.”

Even once-fervent supporters of the group are calling for the Power Rangers to introduce more stringent prerequisites, as their “Teenagers With Attitude” approach continued to wreak havoc on infrastructure and damage their reputation in the community.

“What about an adult with attitude? I have a criminology Master’s Degree and a Bachelor’s in Criminal Justice, but they refuse to even consider me,” said Darryl Flink, who graduated Summa Cum Laude from Stanford Law School. “Those kids don’t even have driver’s licenses. I heard one of them was given a sentient car for his thirteenth birthday.”

In response to the outrage against their supposed abuse of power, the Power Rangers later released a statement expressing that they would “rather fucking die” than give up their Megazord, even if laws are passed to remove it from them.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Sorry, ‘Kingdom Hearts’ Fans: Everyone You’ve Ever Loved Will Be Dead in 100 Years

Posted on by Josh Nasser

Following the exciting conclusion of Kingdom Hearts III, gamers are eager to see what the future holds for the story of Sora, Donald, Goofy, and their friends. Unfortunately, regardless of what comes next, we would be remiss if we did not let you know that none of this changes the fact that in about 100 years, everything you’ve ever known and loved will be dead. Sorry, Kingdom Hearts fans!

“Countless people have died since the first Kingdom Hearts game was released in 2002,” said Dr. Gregory Thompson, a population scientist. “There’s nothing stopping more people, especially those you love, from dying in the future. Furthermore, most things that people cared about 100 years ago are completely foreign to people of today, so even if Kingdom Hearts survives that long, there’s no way to know if anyone alive then will even care about it. 

“Unfortunately, as a population scientist, this is the only Kingdom Hearts news I have for fans,” Thompson added. “But this is no rumor or leak. This is real. Everyone you have ever loved will be dead in 100 years. Put it on your calendar, Kingdom Hearts lovers.”

But maybe it’s not all bad? Despite the disheartening news, some gamers who dislike the Kingdom Hearts series are glad to know it will eventually be lost to time.

“These games are awful,” said noted non-fan Harry Michaels. “I’ve played every single game because my brother forced me to and I still have no idea what’s going on. I’m really glad to know everyone who’s alive right now will be dead and free of Kingdom Hearts some day, because I don’t want anyone I love to ever go through what I’m going through right now. I’d much rather try to wrap my head around my mortality than try to understand who Xehanort is.”

Well dang! At least this devastating Kingdom Hearts news has no impact on the fact that, at any time, we are all free to spiral into denial about the nature of mortality by modding Goofy to look like our dead dads.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Self-Conscious Man Removes Mask After Seeing No One Else Wearing One

Posted on by Billy Patterson

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Local Publix shopper Wesley Clemons removed his protective face mask this morning after realizing that no one else in the grocery store was wearing one, sympathetic sources confirmed.

“I went to do my weekly shop, and I thought we were doing the whole mask thing,” said Clemons. “But after a few minutes in the store, it was clear I was the only person wearing one — I stuck out like a sore thumb. I could feel everyone staring at me and judging me… like that time I wore slacks to a pool party. So I ducked behind the produce stand and slipped the mask into my pocket. I made sure I said something like, ‘Coronavirus, my ass’ to everyone I walked by, just to make it seem like I wasn’t some mask-loving dweeb.”

Fellow shopper Peggy Webber-Johnson corroborated Clemons’ version of events.

“Everyone saw him as soon as he walked in — it was like a record scratch moment. I instantly thought he was a coward and figured he must hate America if he’s going to cover his face like that,” said Webber-Johnson while handling and returning countless items of produce. “But I don’t know why I got so worked up. I was actually wearing a mask on my way over here, but I peeked through the window and saw that nobody else had them, so I went back and left it in my car.”

Andrew DiLaurentis, a sociology professor at the University of Louisiana-Monroe, noted that this type of behavior is becoming increasingly common in the COVID-19 era.

“Many Americans want to help prevent the spread of the virus by wearing a face covering, but they don’t want to look like an outcast or a loser,” said DiLaurentis. “They want to blend in with the people around them: strolling the aisles, browsing the shelves, and comparing name-brand versus store-brand without attracting any scrutiny. For most people, fitting in is much more important than health and safety.”

“We have to live our lives,” he added. “If we stop conforming, then COVID wins.”

Publix has since announced a new policy prohibiting anyone wearing a mask from entering the store, to spare future customers from Clemons’ shame.

I’m No Good at Adulting, LOL. They Just Took My Kids Away!

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Is it Wine O’Clock yet, amirite?! Haha. Mostly because the Department of Family Services just came and took my kids to live in foster care. I guess I am just no good at adulting. LOL!

There should be a meme for when government officials find you and your family living in filth and eating cat food. I also may have forgotten to pay every bill for every utility for the past three months. WHOOPS!

I wish someone told me that being an adult wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be when I was a kid. There should be a class about this in high school where they teach you that you have to show up to work at proper designated times, toilet train your children, and not shoplift from H&M. You should also be warned that having a kid to save a marriage doesn’t always work. ROFL!

Is there an adulting class I can take? Apparently there is because I’m being forced to attend it by a court-appointed social worker. Although, I’ll probably flunk out of that too just like I did high school. At least now I get to leave the house without my ankle monitor alarm going off. ROFLCOPTER!

I am also being told by my caseworker, who doesn’t have children of her own mind you, that one should not leave their children in the car outside a trap house when you are inside buying meth. Yeah, okay sweetie, call me when you have five kids of your own. LOLLERCOASTER!

I can’t even get time to myself in the bathroom to find a vein and shoot up without my kids banging on the door. I’m sorry that I live in the real world and I am not some celebrity with a nanny to do all the hard work like laundry or remembering what school my kids go to. RAWR!

So, your honor, don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee. BAZINGA!