Termina Resident Convinced Giant, Ominous Moon a Liberal Hoax

Posted on by Matt Shore

CLOCK TOWN — A Termina citizen took to the streets yesterday to denounce the large, ominous moon inching ever closer to the city as “a liberal hoax.” 

The citizen, known only as Gorman, was scheduled to perform with a band of thespians and acrobats at the Carnival of Time this week, before the Moon’s looming threat led to the event’s cancellation. Soon afterward, he began to claim the hideous lunar anomaly was nothing more than “fake news” propagated by “radical leftist liberals of ANTIFA.”

Gorman denied the suggestion that his beliefs about the moon might be influenced by his pocketbook.

“These snowflake beta cucks and their globalist agenda are trying to ruin a proud Clock Town tradition,” Gorman said, speaking to a small crowd outside the Milk Bar, Latte. “They don’t care about the hard-working farmers who rely on the festival to pray for a good harvest. No, they care only about themselves and their blue-haired SJW girlfriends.”

Professor Shikashi, owner and operator of the Astral Observatory, challenged Gorman’s accusations, citing his own research as proof that the giant, highly visible Moon did in fact exist, and was rapidly approaching town. 

“It’s so close that it’s in danger of cracking the end of my telescope,” he said. “I don’t know how anyone could ignore something so massive and deadly, but that’s the political climate of 2020 for you. The Four Giants themselves could appear out of nowhere and play hacky sack with the moon, and people like Gorman would claim it was just some Gorons holding a bomb flower.”

When the Milk Bar’s owner Mr. Barten arrived on the scene to calm the uproar, things grew even more heated. Barten urged Gorman to tilt his head upward to see the apocalyptic threat for himself, but Gorman refused, declaring, “The moon isn’t visible during the day! Everyone knows that! You government simps will believe anything!”

Gorman was last seen drowning his sorrows inside the bar, complaining that PC culture had ruined music and wishing someone would remind him why he got into showbiz in the first place.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Documentary About Rise and Fall of Quibi to Be About Ten Minutes Long

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Losing Stream, a new documentary chronicling the rapid rise and fall of subscription streaming service Quibi, reportedly tells the entire story of the failing startup in a single 10 minute chunk. 

“Wow, what a refreshing way to learn about these dumbasses. I’m so glad I got to watch a whole documentary while on line to get groceries,” said movie critic Julia Yates ahead of the film’s release. “I guess the fact that Quibi is absolutely DOA right after it launched doesn’t really lend itself to anything much longer. Too bad, really. I’d watch rich people lose their ass on a loop all day if I could!”

The streaming service, conceived as an instant competitor to Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, Disney Plus, HBO NOW, Apple TV, Sling, and Pluto TV, launched three months ago. The brainchild of former Dreamworks CEO Jeffrey Katzenberg, Quibi sports two unique characteristics: short episodes, and content exclusively available on cell phones.

“Pretty good idea if you ask me,” said Katzenberg, who was recently revealed to have his emails printed out for him every morning. “At the very least, every person around me tells me it’s a good idea. Or else they mysteriously disappear. If anything, though, that’s just proof that they were wrong about my idea being bad!”

The director of Losing Stream claims that Quibi’s defining feature of being literally incompatible with the televisions, tablets, and computers that have become increasingly common and affordable in the last decade assured that its story would be a short, digestible one. 

“It’s a tale as old as time, really,” said director Helena Greene, who is currently shopping her film around various streaming services that’ll probably be around for a few more years at least. “Couple of absurdly wealthy people raise a bunch of money, lose it on some shitbrain idea, and then, that’s really it. That’s like the whole story. You could watch the entire saga of this 1.75 billion dollar disaster in say, the time it takes to ride the train, or wait in line for a cup of coffee.” 

As of press time, you better watch all the episodes of Speedrun and Reno 911! you can before your free trial runs out and you accidentally pay five dollars for Quibi.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Libertarian Friend Continues Trend of Only 50% Getting The Point

Posted on by Stephen Bell

ODESSA, Texas — Local Libertarian Wayne Allen is maintaining his personal trend of only getting the point halfway regarding a variety of social and economic issues, according to friends wondering why they still talk to him.

“Wayne is a real single-edged sword: one side’s sharp, and the other side is so dull it couldn’t cut through butter on a hot day,” said longtime friend Alicia Davis. “He fully supports defunding the police, but doesn’t make the racial connection — he just wants lower taxes. Last month he complained about how cops made him late for work when they pulled him over for speeding in a school zone and let him off with a warning; meanwhile, they pulled my black ass over because my ‘windshield wipers seemed old’ and I spent 30 minutes sitting on the curb while dogs tore apart my car looking for drugs. The irony here is that he’s the one who owns the secret underground marijuana bunker, and I’m a fucking nurse.”

Allen was more than happy to offer what would, if given without any further reflection, appear to be a workable and well-nuanced political ideology.

“The government is constantly trying to take away all of our rights, and as a proud, rugged individual, that means they are especially out to get me,” said the almost correct Allen. “Libertarians believe the government is only capable of creating problems, not solving them — I can’t name a single issue the government has ever solved. I mean, besides winning WW2, building the highways, the FDIC, eliminating acid rain, or guaranteeing improvements in worker safety. Other than any of those things, though, the government only fails.”

University of Texas political science professor Dr. Anne Fraser noted Allen is not that different from most of the libertarians she teaches.

“Wayne, like many of the libertarians who took my course, always scored a straight 50%. Now, like most academic courses with the curve, he would probably receive a C,” said the professor. “However, he revolted against the curve, claiming curves are a form of ‘affirmative action,’ and that partner assignments are simply ‘communism.’ But strangely, he had a robust understanding of the difficulties marginalized groups face in the United States… I just wish his solution to these problems was more nuanced than, ‘Buy a shit ton of guns.’”

At press time, Allen was forced to shut down his anti-government libertarian commune after none of its members could agree on how to share their crops.

We Asked a Local Stoner to Shut the Fuck Up

Posted on by Amir Adan

4/20 may have come and gone this year, but that doesn’t mean stoner culture has. But what exactly does it mean to be a stoner?

We at The Hard Times wanted to give our readers some insight into this culture, so I sat down with an old stoner buddy of mine named Grant Anderson to discuss the ins and outs of this world. This was a mistake.

Hard Times: Thank you for taking time out of your day to chat with us about the stoner subculture, Grant.
Anderson: No problem.
So you’re a stoner, right? That’s how you identify?
I mean yeah, I guess. Doesn’t matter much to me. I smoke weed a bit, if you wanna call me a stoner, that’s your deal. I don’t really even smoke all that much, just when Rogan drops a podcast. He’s best to listen to when you’re high.
Interesting. So you think the experience is heightened when you’re smoking?
Oh no I mean he’s unlistinable unless I’m fucking blasted man.
That doesn’t make sense at all, but okay. Do you feel like weed is at all misunderstood in our general culture?
Yeah that’s pretty obvious to see. I think people think weed is a recreational thing which I strongly disagree with. You know the reason it’s illegal is because when you’re high you fucking see too much man. They don’t like that man.
Yeah okay so this went pretty much as expected, thank you for your time. 
They are the people who control things. It’s not any government or any one person. Even if every government collapsed right now, ‘they’ would be in control.
We’re all set, thanks. You can shut up now. 
I personally don’t vote and don’t believe I have a say at all. It’s all symbolic, I think. Like you know how the Queen of England doesn’t really have power but she’s kinda… just there? That’s us. We have no power to do anything.
You think we’re all the Queen of… Why am I engaging this? Shut the fuck up and get out of here we’re done. 
They look down on us from their corporate towers and we look like ants to them, know what I’m saying? 
Okay is there like one big thing you’d like our readers to know about stoners like you? And then maybe after that you can shut the fuck up?
Yeah man. We’re just like you. We’re not any better just because our minds are a bit more elevated. It’s all good, we’re just like the rest of you and there– uh, hey man I gotta go, my dealer, is outside, it was cool talking to you! Everything you read about chemtrails is real!
Shut the fuck up. 

Woody Guthrie’s Guitar Arrested for Terrorist Sympathy

Posted on by Doug Francisco

TULSA, Okla. — Following President Trump’s categorization of “antifa” as a terrorist group, the Woody Guthrie Memorial Center was raided today by federal agents, taking Guthrie’s famous “This Machine Kills Fascists” guitar into custody.

“This was unwarranted on so many levels. Sure, the guitar always talked a big game, but it wasn’t posing a threat to anyone,” said museum director Terence Mejia. “What happened to the First Amendment? That guitar was only trying to express itself in the best way it knew how. Those jack-booted government cowards came in here in the middle of the night and dragged the guitar out of here by the neck, and now it’s probably out of tune. I hope this doesn’t discourage people from calling the Trump administration out on their bullshit.”

An FBI spokesperson said the Bureau does not comment on ongoing investigations, but the department takes threats of terrorist activity seriously.

“Ever since 9/11, we can’t be too careful when it comes to threats foreign or domestic,” the representative said. “This guitar claims to kill fascists, and that clearly means it plans on killing President Trump. The guitar’s message was received loud and clear. For now it has been neutralized at one of our many black sites, and will be released once we feel the country is back to the status quo.”

In the days following the terrorist designation for “antifa,” the FBI and other federal law enforcement agencies arrested at least 1,000 objects espousing anti-fascist sentiments.

“Bathroom stalls in dive bars, brick walls near train tracks, and countless middle school students’ binders are all under interrogation by law enforcement officials,” said Columbia law professor A.J. McLean. “President Trump is subverting the rule of law to hold up the appearance that he is an iron-fisted ruler, when in reality, his hands are too tiny and delicate to ever be compared to iron.”

Leaked reports show President Trump also ordered the exhumation of Guthrie’s body, with a stake driven through his heart “just in case.”

Disgusting: Little Baby Bitch Boy Coward Gamer Brightens Horror Settings So Symbol Still Visible

Posted on by Gabie Barnes

PHILADELPHIA — Local game enthusiast and known little baby bitch boy Shawn Hughes began his playthrough of The Last of Us Part 2 Saturday, reportedly adjusting the brightness settings so that the symbol on his screen was entirely visible like the enormous fucking coward he is.

“It says to brighten until the symbol is ‘barely visible’, but I’m going to do it just a little bit more,” said Hughes, 26, a little weakling child who probably still needs to sleep with a nightlight. “I just really want to be able to appreciate the environmental design. I hear the backgrounds are stunning.”

Hughes, the pathetic fucking wimp that he is, reportedly then walked around his apartment and turn on every single light fixture and lamp surrounding his living room. Sources say he even set up his laptop on the coffee table, opened YouTube, and clicked on a Let’s Play of the game that he had bookmarked earlier that day to make sure there weren’t any jump scares that would make him wet his little diaper.

“Just want to make sure I don’t miss any collectibles or Easter eggs,” said the piece of human waste not even worthy of licking boots. “It’ll spoil some of the plot a little bit, I guess, but I’m just such a completionist.”

After playing through the first hour of the game, the disgusting worm formerly known as Shawn Hughes stood up from his couch, opened up the blinds to let in some sunlight, and retreated to his bedroom to play Animal Crossing: New Horizons on his Switch as an alleged “cooldown.”

“I just noticed it’s almost noon, and I need to check my turnip prices before they change,” said Hughes, seeming unaware of how pathetic it is that he was scared to play The Last of Us before lunchtime. “Plus, I was planning on going for a run soon anyway, so I felt like I’d reached a pretty good place to stop.”

After checking his turnip prices, Hughes grabbed his running shoes and apartment keys and began to ready himself to leave for his run, tail between his legs, spineless and certainly devoid of any sense of self-worth. 

“The game seems really fun so far. I might play a little bit more after work today,” he declared as he headed out the door, oblivious to the fact that his parents consider him to be their greatest shame and source of regret and rue the day he was ever born. “Wow, what a beautiful day!”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Police Department Assigns Peaceful Protestors Automatic Five-Star Wanted Level

Posted on by Chandler Dean

LOS SANTOS, Calif. — In a move that local activists decried as the latest example of carceral state overreach, the Los Santos Police Department has adopted a policy automatically assigning all peaceful protestors a five-star wanted level.

“This is a decision we are making for the safety of our city,” read a statement released by Los Santos City Hall. “We’ve seen other municipalities issue restrictive curfews and tear gas their residents, and we figured that comically unleashing the entire might of our police department on peaceful protesters was the next logical step.”

Some protesters claimed that this policy demonstrated the urgency of their cause.

“This is why we need to defund the police,” said activist Willow Bridges. “Police cars, helicopters, the SWAT team, a tank, and a seemingly infinite spawn of cops swarming you wherever you go? If there were a lunatic roaming the streets with an illegally-generated rocket launcher, it’d make sense. But for peaceful protesters, it’s excessive.”

Other activists described the arrest process itself as particularly harrowing.

“They pulled me out of my vehicle, and suddenly I started seeing black-and-white,” recounted community organizer Paloma Ruedas. “I can’t explain why, but the word BUSTED reverberated through my mind the whole time. Then I blacked out, and when I woke up outside the jail I weirdly had all of my weapons except the one I was holding in my hand at the time of arrest.”

A representative for the Los Santos Police Department defended the decision in the context of their other automatic trigger policies.

“There are certain actions that warrant a zero-tolerance response,” Officer Brandon Morrison explained. “Refusing to leave the Los Santos Golf Club after a verbal warning, standing on top of a cable car at Mount Chiliad, peacefully protesting…in situations like those, our officers are scripted to shoot to kill, or fine the perpetrator several hundred dollars — whatever comes first.”

At press time, several hundred protesters had reportedly avoided arrest by stealing a plane and flying away really fast.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Tudor Split-Levels Hunted to Extinction in Emotional “House Hunters”

Posted on by Jonah Nink

LOS ANGELES — The last remaining Tudor split-level house known to mankind was burned to the ground yesterday during the filming of an emotional episode of HGTV’s popular series “House Hunters,” series executives confirmed.

“My wife and I are huge fans of ‘House Hunters,’ so you can only imagine how excited we were to be featured on the show,” said “House Hunters” guest Bob Reinecker, standing next to the blazing split-level. “While going on a cross-country arson spree wasn’t exactly what we were expecting — and we still do need to purchase a home — being a part of our favorite show couldn’t have been more fun. We kept two of the decorative shutters from each kill to hang in our trophy room once we buy our home.”

HGTV executives changed the direction of “House Hunters” because some viewers found the show’s title misleading.

“For every viewer who praises ‘House Hunters,’ there are about 10 more who complain that no one in the show actually kills a house for sport,” said Amy Villanaueva, Head of Programming at HGTV. “We felt so guilty about confusing our viewers that we finally said, ‘State arson laws be damned,’ and ordered our guests to hunt different types of houses, starting with those mid-century eyesores: Tudor split-levels. Our teams are now heavily armed with a variety of guns and flamethrowers to make sure each house is properly taken down.”

While the episode won’t air until next month, HGTV’s new approach to “House Hunters” has received overwhelmingly positive reviews, even among those whose homes were destroyed.

“If it were any other pair of arsonists dumping gasoline onto my house, I’d have tried to stop them. But since it was ‘House Hunters,’ I couldn’t help but grab a jerry can and join in the fun,” wrote Todd Yang in the caption of an Instagram post showing the charred remains of what was once his home. “I don’t know where my family and I will live now, but It’s nice to see that HGTV is finally giving its viewers what they really want: to watch someone burn down some fucker’s house!”

HGTV has announced that prairie-style houses will be hunted next, and is accepting applications to appear on the show, emphasizing that those with an arson record would be prioritized. “If you and your spouse are knowledgeable about your local real estate market, have fun chemistry, and know your way around a Molotov cocktail, we want to hear from you!” said Villanaueva.

Fourth Job Listed on Man’s Facebook Profile Also Only Real One

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

SARASOTA, Fla. — Local musician, blog editor-in-chief, stand-up comedian, and medical records clerk Geordie Warren has his only real paying job listed fourth on his Facebook page behind his few, non-paying hobbies, decidedly mediocre sources confirmed.

“Music is my dream… plus, writing, and also comedy. Sometimes a little needlepoint to mellow out. Filing paperwork isn’t my passion — that’s just temporary while I make a name for myself,” said Warren. “A lot of people told me, ‘If you don’t make it as an artist by 25, you should give up.’ And even more people told me that when I turned 30, and then again at 40. But if I listened to them, I wouldn’t be running my own open mic at midnight every fourth Tuesday down at Jerry’s Place.”

Operations manager and Warren’s supervisor Corrine Lively claimed Warren’s job performance has suffered due to his “fingers being in too many pies.”

“I’m all for employees having passions outside of work, but Geordie is burning the candle at both ends. Recently, during a team building exercise, he jumped up to do a five-minute stand-up chunk about how ‘black clerks and white clerks file medical records differently.’ Then he insisted we all play a game of ‘Zip, Zap, Zop’ — which is apparently some improv thing — but it was so embarrassing for everyone, I’ve been trying to block it out of my mind,” said Lively. “I also caught him printing hundreds of fliers for an all-ages music show Saturday night, which itself isn’t that bad, but the address for the show was our office building.”

Life coach Chaz Gilmore believes, however, that Warren’s commitment in the face of inevitable failure is admirable.

“As a creative, it’s important to work on your personal brand, no matter how stupid, shallow, or impossible that pursuit may seem,” said Gilmore. “I’ve worked with a lot of people like Mr. Warren, pursuing several different creative endeavors, and I always tell them the same thing: you should never give up on your dreams, or stop paying me to be your life coach. I’m living proof that the idea of ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ actually works — for my actual day job, I euthanize stray animals down at a shelter.”

Warren has since updated his education credit on his Facebook profile to “School of Hard Knocks,” which bumped the University of Phoenix down a position.