Depressed Woman Doesn’t Even Bother Looking Behind Shower Curtain for Murderers Before Taking Pee

Posted on by Jimmy Adamson

CHICAGO — Local woman Lilly Choi’s depression has devolved to the point that she has stopped looking behind the shower curtain for murderers before going to the bathroom, a despondent and barely audible Choi admitted today.

“Ever since this coronavirus quarantine shit started, I’ve just been kind of sad and apathetic. I used to be super proactive about checking for murderers behind the shower curtain,” the 32-year-old sales associate explained. “I really didn’t want to be murdered, like, at all. But now? I don’t give a fuck. Go ahead and slit my throat, Mr. Murderer Guy. Can’t be worse than not being able to leave my house.”

Choi’s roommate Janet Tarkarvic agreed.

“She used to be so neurotic — she’d scream, ‘Wow, glad I have this big fucking gun!’ before going into the basement to do laundry. And every night, she’d violently jab under her bed with this giant, goofy sword she kept by her nightstand. But she doesn’t really do that anymore. It’s like she’s given up,” Tarkarvic said. “When we first moved in together, I thought she was paranoid from smoking so much dank weed… but now I realize she just really didn’t want to be murdered. These days, though, she doesn’t seem to care. It’s kind of concerning.”

Even the serial murderer hiding in her shower was alarmed by Choi’s lack of caution.

“I hid behind that damn curtain for like, seven hours the other day. It sucked, especially when she took a huge, smelly dump. See, we can’t technically murder the victim if they don’t look behind the curtain first. Even psycho shower killers have rules,” the hidden murderer explained while he practiced swinging his pickaxe. “Honestly, I hope she gets some professional help. And once she does, I’ll be there to jump out of the shower and brutally end her life.”

Choi was last seen sitting on her couch watching “90 Day Fiancé” and ignoring the inbred man with a hacksaw hiding in her pantry.

Church Used in Metal Music Video Probably Should Have Asked More Questions Before Agreeing

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

ADDISON, Texas — Addison Fellowship Community Church parishioners are lamenting allowing local metal band Cryptic Martyr to use their sanctuary for the band’s new music video “Edge of Carnage,” shocked parishioners report.

“Well, we clearly didn’t do our due diligence,” Pastor Calvin Fitzgerald said while scrubbing goat blood out of the carpet. “The guitar player was in the church band when he was younger; I just assumed they were a Christian band. I walked in for choir practice on Saturday to find topless women in chains doing unspeakable things with a crucifix. That cross was a gift from the deacon! It will never be clean again.”

The band themselves admitted they were shocked the church agreed to let them film there.

“Well, we gave them as little information as possible,” video director and bassist Gordy Willis said. “We said that we needed to use their sanctuary to film a church service, and they signed the agreement right away. It’s technically true — we just left out the words Satanic, incantation, sacrifice, and orgy. They told us they would just leave the door open and to make ourselves at home. At least we put a tarp over the pews. We aren’t savages.”

This type of misunderstanding is actually quite common, according to professional location scout Holly Moss.

“Renting out one’s church for films and music videos is a great way to make some extra money on off days,” said Moss. “Unfortunately, many small churches are naive to the film business and don’t realize just how many heavy metal bands, pornographers, and pharmaceutical commercials want to use the space for… lets say, sacrilegious reasons. It’s a rookie mistake.”

Thankfully, the video itself has been well received in the metal community, and is listed as one of the top 100 metal videos of 2020 featuring a Black Mass.

Woke Sheriff’s Deputy Kneels with Tenants Before Throwing Them Out on Street at Gunpoint

Posted on by Doug Francisco

ELMHURST, N.Y. — New York City Sheriff’s deputy Deandra Washington ceremoniously took a knee with the tenants of a local apartment last night before forcing them out of their home under threat of violence, camera phone footage confirmed.

“With everything that’s going on, it’s really important to practice real community policing,” Washington said at a press conference. “You have to do what you can to connect with the people you protect before enforcing the predatory will of capital on them. It’s a promise I made when I joined the force, and I intend to keep it, both on and off the job.”

Teri Ratner, one of the tenants evicted yesterday, claimed the experience was a bit of a “mixed bag.”

“It was really great to see her kneeling down with us on our porch,” Ratner said. “It shows how much they’re willing to go above and beyond their duties of carrying out the violence required by the state. Which, I should add, she also did really well — my roommate and my dog have the bruises to prove it.”

According to tenants, the eviction proceeded quickly and without incident as Washington never took her eye off the property or his hand off his sidearm.

“I even saw she was wearing a little rainbow flag pin,” said former tenant Jorge Moreno. “It’s nice to know that my few valuable possessions were being hurled into the street by someone who really ‘gets it’ — you can really see how much the modern police force cares about looking right and saying the right stuff. We look forward to seeing this moment shared by countless white middle-aged liberals from Ithaca, and conservative Americans of all ages.”

The house is scheduled to become home to a brand new Black Lives Matter mural, commissioned by Washington in honor of the people who can no longer afford to live there.

We Sat Down With Trumps Secret Police and We’re Not Allowed to Leave

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well, this is officially the worst interview we’ve ever done. With Trump sending federal officers to major cities, we thought the edgy thing to do would be to get in the trenches, sit down, and talk to these guys and get their point of view. We headed to Portland ready to do some good old fashioned journalism. Well, turns out there’s a reason no one really does that anymore. We were mistaken for peaceful protestors, so naturally, we were assaulted and detained in an unmarked vehicle until “indefinitely.”

Yeah, I was hoping to be back at my hotel room smoking legal marijuana and chowing down Voodoo Donuts by now. Instead, I’m tying a tourniquet around my shin and struggling to keep my photographer awake because I’m pretty sure he has a serious concussion. That, or he just really wants to mumble the lyrics to Crazy Town’s “Butterfly.” But if you ask me that’s a real weird reaction to having your head beaten in by the Gestapo.

I don’t know where this side is keeping it’s “good people,” but it sure as hell isn’t in the back of this van, I can tell you that.

Since we’ve been in this van I have heard every racial slur I know and a whole bunch I didn’t. One of these assholes was bragging about hitting a “dago” between the eyes with a rubber bullet. Now I’m just trying to not guess what a “dago” because you can’t guess what new slurs mean without being racist.

I’m pretty sure it’s Danish people, right? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. The point is I’m scared.

I was only able to send in this draft because one of the feds gave me his phone to figure out the camera app he uses to spy on his wife. Oh shit, was it a mistake to make myself useful to these guys? What if they keep me even longer now? What if I’m forced to perform basic tech troubleshooting for the secret police until I die?

Please help. I’m not sure what you can do, I mean when that guy handed me his phone my first thought was “great, I can call the police.” Is there like a police-police? What about superheroes. Are they real? I’ve lost a lot of blood.

Glenn Danzig Somehow Not The Most Ridiculous Singer Of The Misfits

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — Former Misfits vocalist Michale Graves has successfully unseated Glenn Danzig as the band’s most ridiculous vocalist following a recent announcement that he has joined the Proud Boys, sources report.

“It’s pretty disappointing. I’ve really put a ton of time into being an absolutely ridiculous human being — I wear mesh half-shirts and I’ve worn this same, tired long hair and sideburns look for like, 30 years,“ said Danzig, sitting on a pile of bricks outside his home. “I even made a ‘no tan’ requirement for my satanic blues metal band. I mean, I’m a walking punchline. But then this Graves guy comes along and that was that. It’s truly the end of an era.”

While the news of Danzig’s dethroning sent shock waves through the music industry, other Misfits members weren’t surprised.

“Graves was always a loser. He was always babbling on about Republicans being the real punks or some other nonsense. The guy didn’t even want to go grave robbing,” said longtime Misfits guitarist Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein. “It’s too bad, because when Glenn left I thought maybe we wouldn’t have to be so directly associated with a person so clearly out of his fucking mind. But then, here comes Graves and doubles down. I can barely paint my face into a gothic death mask with pride anymore.”

In light of Graves’ unraveling, punk rock experts urged calm and distanced themselves from him, including New Jersey punk scene President Johnny “Resin” Wall.

“Shit, everyone knows that Graves-era Misfits was only for posers anyway. I mean, they took this gritty and dark B-movie thing and turned it into a ‘Spirit Halloween’ commercial. I’m not even sure if I consider anything after ‘Legacy Of Brutality’ cannon,” said Wall. “They got to get their act together — Jerry Only has to do some proper vetting. Hire a guy with some honor to sing about chopping little girls heads off.”

Graves was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy calling people “cucks” on Reddit.

San Francisco Installs Spikes to Deter Homeless People and Sonic the Hedgehog

Posted on by Gabe Wood

SAN FRANCISCO — The city of San Francisco has installed spikes in public spaces and on buildings in order to discourage camping from homeless people as well as adventuring from Sonic the Hedgehog.

“Sleeping homeless people regularly block the sidewalks and the streets are all scratched from Sonic constantly riding his snowboard downhill,” explained City Councilwoman Lori Perez. “These spikes will reduce those incidences while posing no danger to the average San Franciscan, provided they’re carrying a suitable number of rings and can pick them up quickly if dropped.” 

The move to install spikes, however, comes as a shock to many of the city’s homeless population. 

“I just don’t understand where they expect us to go,” said Misha Lunden, who has been homeless in San Francisco for four years. “We can’t sleep in the shelters because they fill up every night, we can’t sleep in the parks because the city put in a bunch of dash pads and loop-de-loops that no one uses, and now we can’t sleep on the streets. I guess they’d rather make the city look like Chemical Plant Zone than invest in affordable housing.”

“They don’t treat the homeless like we’re people,” he added. “They don’t treat talking blue hedgehogs like they’re people, either. It makes me sick.”

Sonic the Hedgehog, who held a press conference to weigh in on the new policy, also expressed dismay. 

“The first time I saw spikes in the city, I thought Robotnik was up to his old tricks again,” Sonic said. “I was horrified when I discovered it was my own neighbors in San Francisco who did this. Let me be absolutely clear: cities changing their architecture to be hostile toward their own people is way past lame.” 

“I mean, I get why they’re installing spikes to stop me,” Sonic added. “I took out two streetcars last time I spin dashed down Lombard. But homeless people trying to get some rest? Just leave them be!”

At press time, protest groups organized marches in response to the San Francisco Police Department’s announcement that they would start responding to calls involving homeless encampments utilizing their new fleet of hovercrafts with wrecking balls.

Jeopardy! Resumes Tapings With One Contestant Per Episode

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Filming resumed on Jeopardy! this week, featuring a modified production that emphasizes social distancing, temporarily cutting the number of contestants down to one per episode.

“This has been the best week of my life,” said Emily Parker, the lone contestant to appear on this week’s tapings. “I am not allowed to say anything specific about the outcome until it airs, but it has been pretty nice. I always felt like I could really do well if I got on the show, but I never dreamed it would go this well. I think Alex is a little pissed off about it, but hey, this wasn’t my idea, you know?”

Many productions, from game shows to major sporting events, are doing their best to get back to work and find innovative ways to allow their upcoming seasons to shoot and air as planned.

“This one contestant thing is just temporary,” said Jeopardy! Executive Producer Harry Friedman. “We examined all of our options when it came to ways to safely resume the show. We even thought about getting some robots in here like we’ve done in the past, but the idea of man competing against machine during a pandemic tested extremely poorly, so we went another route. I tell you one thing, Alex hates it.” 

Alex Trebek, who will soon release his memoir The Answer Is…, which details his recent battle with pancreatic cancer, reportedly has grown vocally frustrated at the competitive edge that is subtracted from the game when there is only one contestant. 

“This is fucking ridiculous,” said Trebek, who’s hosted the popular game show for 36 years. “Can’t we get some assholes in here on Zoom or something? I feel like we’re gonna lose our asses if we just keep letting this lady take us to the fucking cleaner all day! She rings in when she knows it and sits there when she doesn’t. This is not entertaining!”

Following a run of traditional Jeopardy! episodes premiering sometime in September, Friedman has also announced that fan favorite Celebrity Jeopardy! will return this fall, which will reportedly feature a week of Penn Jillette raising hundreds of thousands of dollars for charity.

Man In Airport Willing to Pay Anything for Worst Sandwich He’s Ever Had

Posted on by Alexandra Houle

LOS ANGELES — Australian commuter Daniel O’Connor spent $17 out of desperation yesterday during a layover at LAX for the worst sandwich he’s reportedly ever had, sorely disappointed sources have confirmed.

“The protein bar I found in my carry-on and the children’s serving of pretzels they gave me on the plane wore off a long time ago, so I had to find something to eat… and it was between this sandwich, and a $13 salad with what looked like American cheese, so I still think I made the better choice,” a visibly perturbed O’Connor said of the turkey club on white bread he reluctantly chose from a refrigerated area. “But these capitalistic airport cunts are extorting us. Look at this ‘sandwich’ — I’ve seen fresher pork at a cop’s funeral. They’re using my hunger and desperation against me. Do you think I would have bought this thing otherwise? This is a bloody shakedown.”

Los Angeles International Airport employee Carla Williams, who has worked at the airport for the last six months, confirmed O’Connor’s irritation.

“When I told him his order total he visibly flinched, and grew angry when he learned taxes aren’t included in America,” Williams explained. “Frankly, I wasn’t sure if he was going to hit me, but he gave a sigh of defeat and handed me his credit card. It happens all the time, and to be honest, that sigh is one of the only things that brings me joy each day.”

While O’Connor is not alone in his frustration, some take a more positive outlook — that the opportunity to eat overpriced trash may be one to appreciate.

“Well, of course you’re gonna wanna stay away from the pre-packaged tripe they call sustenance. That goes without saying,” said self-proclaimed travel expert Mikela Tanner. “But where else are you also going to drink beer at 7 a.m. in sweatpants without any judgement? Personally, the only other place I can do that is in my mom’s basement when my step dad is away on golf trips. It’s all about perspective.”

In related news, a number of New York Thruway commuters reluctantly purchased lunch yesterday from a service area Arby’s, even though Arby’s hasn’t been in business since 2004.

REPORT: Roger Klotz is a Fucking Cop Now

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

BLUFFINGTON — Roger Klotz, son of famed monster truck driver Edwina Klotz and former middle school bully, is “a fucking cop now with a gun and everything,” concerned but not at all surprised former classmates confirmed.

“I live in Bloatsburg now, but I still come home to Bluffington often to see my parents and check in on my old neighbor Mrs. Dink, ever since Mr. Dink died of brain cancer,” said Klotz’s former schoolmate Doug Funnie. “I was driving down Jumbo Street yesterday when a cop pulled me over — I wasn’t speeding, so I didn’t know what it was about. That’s when I heard, ‘License and registration, Funnie Face.’ It was Roger fucking Klotz!”

“He’s bald now, has a mustache, and put on about 30 pounds, but it was him alright,” Funnie added. “Crazy. I definitely need to tell Patty Mayonnaise about this. You guys know her? Does she ever ask about me?”

Local activist and lifelong Bluffington resident Skeeter Valentine has had several run-ins with Ofc. Klotz.

“A few weeks back, I was attending a ‘Blue Lives Matter’ rally to take a stand against police brutality… but apparently the name caused some confusion, and drew a bunch of pro-cop demonstrators, too,” said Valentine. “A fight inevitably broke out, and as I tried to get out of the melee, I heard Ofc. Klotz scream, ‘Sayonara, Skeetface!’ before bashing my blue head with a billy club. Not cool, man. Next thing I know, my arms and legs are zip-tied, and I’m in the back of Klotz’s police cruiser. Honk, honk.”

While his peers are mostly upset by Klotz’s career choice, retired assistant principal and champion clog dancer Lamar Bone believes Klotz is a “fine cop.”

“Roger was a straight D student, a sociopathic bully, and even repeated sixth grade twice: basically, all the makings of an excellent police officer,” explained Bone. “Maybe he wasn’t the best student, but the police force needs violent thugs like him — otherwise everything would be all higgledy piggledy.”

Ofc. Klotz has since been placed on paid leave after forcing his former high school rival Chalky Studebaker to spend an entire night in Stinsen’s pond trying to catch a nematode.

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