Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Slime Rancher, Destiny, and Resident Evil 4?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

Tiger Force is the moniker of an infamous United States battalion who were known for committing countless crimes during the Vietnam War. It’s no surprise that “Tiger Force” also sounds like it could be the name of the next Activision game, or your average Destiny clan. This is no coincidence; linguistics aren’t the only thing that link video games to war time crimes. Don’t believe me? Strap in for another rundown of ways you can violate the Geneva Conventions in your favorite games.

In Slime Rancher, you head off to another planet and decide to farm its local creatures. The colonization aspects are obvious, but less apparent are the ways this opens you up for war crimes. Putting the local slimes in literal cages makes them prisoners, and thus they must be treated as such. Per article 27 of the 3rd Geneva Convention: “Clothing, underwear and footwear shall be supplied to prisoners of war.” When’s the last time you offered your slimes a pair of pants? Disgusting.

The Outer Space Treaty is a bit of a catch-all for any video game that doesn’t take place on Earth. In the case of Destiny and its sequel, your Guardian directly violates the mandate specifying that “the Moon shall be used exclusively for peaceful purposes.” It doesn’t matter who started the conflict; when you throw your void bomb at the Moon’s surface, you’re no better than the Hive. Zavala would be so disappointed in you.

 

If you’ve played Resident Evil 4, you’re familiar with Los Illuminados. Leon grapples with this sinister cult throughout the game, but he’s not always the good guy in this conflict. During one specific section, Leon essentially breaks into their castle and begins killing the religious leaders one by one. Since article 9 of Additional Protocol II lays out the need for religious personnel to be “respected and protected,” Leon is essentially carrying out a church massacre here. Maybe Las Plagas aren’t so bad after all.

This one is a very serious matter. The Red Cross is not a toy; it is an important medical symbol exclusively reserved for life-saving medicine and personnel. Games that misuse the emblem are violating a very real crime. Just ask Stardew Valley, which had to replace red crosses with green ones in 2018. Game developers: if you want to avoid jail time, I urge you to stick to hearts.

This one’s a bit of a bonus for anyone who’s sick of acting out digital war crimes and wants to start committing them in real life. If you join the U.S. Army’s esports team, you can kill two (or 2,000) birds with one bomb. You better start firming up your K/D ratio if you want to enlist though, because there’s no respawning IRL.

Triangle Button Just Happy to Be Included

Posted on by Chandler Dean

PS4 CONTROLLER — Though it is used sparingly in many gameplay situations, local PS4 button Triangle insisted that it is happy just to be included on the controller in the first place.

“Some buttons have job security. Take Home, for example,” Triangle explained. “Every controller needs to make the menu come up. But ‘Triangle’ doesn’t inherently signify anything. I’m just here to do whatever. How am I any different from, like, a Y button? I’m not.”

A neighbor of Triangle’s, Square, expressed sympathy for Triangle’s situation.

“Look, most of the other buttons have a tribe,” Square outlined. “L3 has L1 and L2. R3 has R1 and R2. Even Select has Start, for God’s sake. But for the Big 4, it’s kind of every button for itself. Me? I’m the ‘block’ guy in fighting games. It’s not much, but it’s what I have.”

One of Triangle’s more distant colleagues, the D-pad, shared Triangle’s sense of paranoia.

“I just try to keep a low profile and hope no one notices I’m still around,” D-pad admitted. “I mean, seriously, why do I still exist? If I’m lucky I get to be mapped for shortcuts. More often than that, though, I’m a less functional, redundant control stick.”

“Or worse,” D-pad shuddered, “a camera angle adjuster.”

At press time, a gamer hit Triangle, making the character on screen exclaim “BRAAAH!”

Evil Villain Ensures Lair’s Air Vents Extra Wide

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

POLYNESIAN ISLAND — Self-proclaimed villain Bixby “Moggie Man” Middlegrift took extra pains to ensure his new lair would be built with “extra wide” air vents, according to intelligence reports leaked by whistleblowers.

“If I can’t have decent air conditioning with vents large enough to accomodate one adult man or a duo of foxy lady ninjas, what’s the point of being filthy rich and extremely evil? Sorry, I repeated myself there,” said Middlegrift, stroking a cat that very clearly died weeks ago. “Everything must be larger and more extravagant than necessary. This isn’t some slovenly apartment — this is Moggie Man’s lair, damnit!”

Work was expected to be completed in time for Middlegrift to perform a dramatic Christmas Eve heist, but constant tweaks and additions have pushed the end date back repeatedly.

“I had to special-order these huge vents from the guy who designed Nakatomi Plaza, which took forever and was not cheap,” said contractor Harvey “Two Legs” Johnson. “What I really don’t understand is why we put down carpeting. And, like, why in the world would we need to build an entire lounge area with a vending machine and a computer that connects to the main frame right in the middle of one of the ducts? Is he insane, or really cocky? Or both? I just don’t get it.”

But even as Middlegrift’s requests confuse laypersons, experts say most of his improvements are considered standard.

“Once you reach a certain level, all supervillains include things like extra wide air vents, or security lasers you have to do a sexy dance to get through,” explained super spy Steel Longshaft, shooting a dart out of his wristwatch at a man who was sneaking up behind him. “When I was just starting out, I remember one petty criminal whose hideout was this old, abandoned Wendy’s — it took me hours to wriggle through the shitty little vent while he awkwardly waited for me by the broken fryer. By the time I finally apprehended him, we were both extremely embarrassed about the whole thing.”

Further delaying completion, Middlegrift allegedly demanded builders include a way to access his lair by swimming through an underwater series of tunnels, while also requesting there be several hundred additional janitor’s closets, with unused custodial uniforms, spread out across the compound.

Anti-Vaxxer Parents Promote Youngest Child To Oldest Child

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

NASSAU, N.Y. — Local parents and staunch anti-vaxxers Shannon and Dane Wittle will promote their youngest child Ayden to the position of oldest child following the preventable death of his older brother Chris, angered and confused sources report.

“Ayden is very excited for this opportunity,” explained Dane Wittle of their 26-month-old son. “He’s wanted to be the big boy for so long now — just the other day, he climbed up and stood on the kitchen counter all by himself. We look forward to seeing what Ayden brings to the position of oldest child while maintaining his younger-child responsibilities. Long-term, while adjusting to the pressures of multiple, simultaneous school grades might be a challenge, we’re sure Ayden will apply the same level of determination he’s currently demonstrating with potty training.”

Health experts say Ayden is just part of a growing number of children whose parents shun vaccination and would rather expose them to deadly diseases rather than learning to love a child who theoretically may “develop” autism — a claim repeatedly debunked by scientists worldwide.

“I guess he’s my best friend now,” remarked Brandon Malone, 13. “I’m not sure how much me and Ayden are gonna have in common. I mean, I like skateboarding, and Ayden only seems interested in fitting shapes into shape-shaped holes. I don’t even think Ayden knows he has a girlfriend yet… or a boyfriend, for that matter. Man, I miss Chris. At least I get to keep his stuff until Ayden is old enough for it, if he makes it that far.”

Doctors are concerned that widespread anti-vaccination efforts could have grim repercussions for public health, and encourage parents to not be “such stupid little dipshits.”

“I guess my 30 years of medical experience is overruled by a YouTube video with 3,000 views,” lamented epidemiologist Dr. Meredith Mercidieu. “I can’t believe these people think they’re scientific authorities — one anti-vaxxer patient of mine thinks you can’t pregnant if you just pee hard enough after sex, and another thinks you can avoid polio by rubbing tomatoes on your legs.”

“The best I’ve come up with is to diagnose them all with epilepsy. I know it’s a lie, but at least they won’t be able to drive anymore,” she added. “Can’t spread the virus if you can’t go anywhere. They all live in the suburbs, so you know they won’t walk anywhere.”

At press time, Ayden Wittle had developed a cough, signaling a possible career opportunity for the family dog.

If We Cancel Joe Rogan, What Am I Gonna Listen to During Sex If I Ever Have It

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

Joe Rogan is in danger of being canceled and we cannot let this happen. Canceling a voice like Joe Rogan’s is a slippery slope to restricting the rights of all Americans. How will we express our First Amendment right to free speech if those who do are canceled? How will we preserve our right to a fair trial when our guilt is determined before one even starts? Most importantly, how will my future lover lay me down and sensually, but gently, take my virginity in a bed of rose petals, while the most sensual of all podcasts is playing in the background if it no longer exists.

God, I’m gettin’ so horned up thinking about Joe just talkin’ it out.

Remember the episode of him talking to Jordan Peterson about the failings of modern liberal ideology? Without Joe there to say, “Marxism? Now that’s interesting,” how will I ever get things going down there? I can’t cum unless I hear Joe react to the deconstruction of radical progressivism.

It’s not all about the sex. What about when I go on a date? Picture it: we’re driving to a restaurant, the van windows are down, there’s a beautiful sunset, and a light evening breeze is treating my date and me to a delightful dance from the Joey Diaz bobblehead on my dash. The only thing needed to complete this mood and ensure an incredible night is Joe chatting it up with Ben Shapiro about pronouns. I’m pretty certain this is the right move and I plan to test this theory as soon as someone agrees to go on a date with me but I can only do so if the Joe Rogan Experience remains uncanceled and available on all podcasting platforms.

Trust me. I may not have experienced any of this stuff first hand but I have an excellent sense of logical deduction so I can say without a shred of doubt, Joe Rogan’s pod is the ideal soundtrack to doing the nasty. Hopefully, he’ll do an episode about why these dog-brained women always end dates so early and abruptly. At the very least, please don’t cancel him until he figures that one out!

Embarrassed “Sid and Nancy” Director Just Now Realizing He Made a Two-Hour Long Movie About Bass Player

Posted on by Jonah Nink

LOS ANGELES — Film director Alex Cox came to the sudden and tragic realization this morning that his 1986 biopic “Sid and Nancy” was just a two-hour film about a mediocre bassist, consoling sources confirmed.

“I rewatched ‘Sid and Nancy’ yesterday, and all I could think was, ‘This is alright, but who would make an entire movie about a bass player who never wears a shirt?’ I kept thinking there was no way this movie could be made today — whoever pitched this would be laughed out of the room,” said an embarrassed, blushing Cox. “But then I thought, ‘Wait a second… I made this movie!’ I wish someone on the crew had told me what I was doing before it was too late. I feel like a fucking moron.”

Sources confirmed that the entire production staff, including lead actor Gary Oldman, were well aware of what the film was about and collectively decided not to tell Cox.

“It was my first major role, so I couldn’t pass it up… but even back then it felt odd for a studio to throw a sizable budget at a weird movie about a bassist — especially a bass player who was never actually plugged in,” said Oldman. “We tried to carefully explain it to him at first: I’d say, ‘Hey Alex, what instrument am I playing in this scene?’ and he’d say, ‘A bass.’ And then I’d say, ‘So that makes me a…,’ but then he’d always respond with, ‘Sid Vicious.’ Eventually we dropped it and hoped he would count the strings on his own at some point.”

Studio accountant Ed Adams revealed that the film was never officially greenlit, but still received its full $4 million budget by accident.

“I put the script into the ‘pretty-decent-but-it’s-about-a-bass-player-so-why-bother?’ pile, but somehow they still received the funding,” said Adams. “We were about to shut the project down, but we just couldn’t do it — the innocent, childlike joy in Cox’s eyes as he made the film melted our icy hearts. It felt criminal to crush happiness so pure… even if the end product was nearly 120 minutes of a bass player yelling at people.”

Future DVD releases of “Sid and Nancy” will include a written apology from Cox, and a coupon for guitar lessons.

Man Suffers Through 30 Minutes of Jazz Before Realizing He Just Likes Cowboy Bebop

Posted on by Steven Porfiri

LOS ANGELES — Local anime fan Jason Dominguez listened to nearly half an hour of a jazz album last Friday at a record store before coming to the conclusion that it’s actually just Cowboy Bebop itself that he’s interested in.

“I just really like how cool Spike is, and how his fight scenes are set to jazz, with all those trumpets and the saxophones,” said Dominguez, 26, when pressed for comment. “It’s just surprisingly badass music to fight to, y’know? So I thought I’d head to the store and find some music that’ll kinda put me in that space-faring, bounty-hunting mindset. I guess I’m not that classy, afterall. I just like anime.”

Dominguez reportedly spent a few minutes looking through albums by Miles Davis, Charlie Parker, Kenny G, and the Broadway recording of All That Jazz while audibly humming the main theme to Cowboy Bebop. 

“I think I was hoping there’d be more stuff about spaceships and bounty hunters?” he said of a record by The Brand New Heavies. “Maybe like one song about corgis or something, and I kind of assumed that Steve Blum would have a role in this somewhere.” 

Store owner Rodney Vercetti, 45, said Dominguez fit into a familiar pattern.

“This happens a couple of times a month. Someone comes in, usually they’re wearing a lot of pins or something, and they start asking about our jazz section. Sometimes I give them a jumping-off point, sometimes they dive right in, but after wandering around for a while, they always come over and ask about the band Seatbelts. That’s when I pull out these bad boys over here,” Vercetti said, indicating a stack of vinyl pressings of the album Cowboy Bebop, the official soundtrack of the show. “They usually don’t make it a whole 30 minutes, though. I’ll give that kid credit — he gave it his best shot.”

Dominguez did eventually catch sight of the soundtrack albums, making his way over to the counter to purchase a copy and reportedly ask whether Vercetti had heard of Fooley Cooley.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Dungeon Master Increases Puzzle’s Difficulty by Describing It Shittily

Posted on by Jimmy Beliakoff

SILVERTON, Ore. — In a groundbreaking move to combat his players’ adeptness at solving riddles and subverting challenges, local dungeon master Dan Richards supercharged the difficulty of his latest puzzle by describing it really shittily.

“Okay, okay… okay… I’m sorry, I’m so fucking lost,” remarked Jess Baker, the party’s Wizard. “So there’s a stone brazier in the middle of the room, and a skeleton in front of it… and the skeleton’s hand is pointing north-west to the corner?” 

The rest of the group then chimed in with their own clarifications.

“Wait, wait—there are also tapestries on the walls, right?” said Terry Graham, tapping into his Ranger’s knack for Perception and Survival. “They have arrows pointing south. Those seem important somehow.” 

While the skeleton, brazier, and tapestries did allegedly appear in the DM’s original description, various other details came into play as the party fought it out.

“No, the arrows are in the runic symbols on the floor, not the tapestries, and they’re all spinning remember?” said their Warlock, preparing to tap into his Eldritch Sight invocation.

“I definitely contradicted myself several times when I initially described the room to them,” admitted Richards with an air of smugness about him. “They basically just need to find the hidden key on top of the doorframe behind them, but thanks to my ability to rattle off a confusing and meandering list of unimportant details, I was able to get them to focus on a completely meaningless corpse next to a completely meaningless fireplace.”

After a few fruitless hours, Richards saw his plan backfire when the party unanimously decided the room must not be the correct path forward and began backtracking through three sessions worth of previous dungeon rooms.

“It’s annoying to describe the whole dungeon again,” Richards said, “but I guess I’m lucky since I have literally nothing planned for what’s behind that door.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Favorite Shirt from When You Were 29 Magically Turns to Infant Small Minute You Turn 32

Posted on by Krissy Howard

LEWISBURG, W.V. — The favorite shirt that you wore frequently the year you were 29-years-old magically transformed to a piece of clothing only large enough to be worn by an infant now that you are 32, confused sources confirmed.

“I found this old Millencolin shirt in the back of my closet that I nearly wore all the way out in my late 20s, but I tried it on this morning and it looks like it’s big enough to fit the smallest baby I’ve ever seen in my life,” you exclaimed, of the harrowing discovery you made upon waking up on your 32nd birthday. “It must be like, a birthday miracle or something… like the tooth fairy, or retirement.”

“Because there’s no way I let myself go that much, right?” you added. “I mean, I still get carded for beer. I can obviously still pass for 20… right?”

Friends of yours who assure you they “wouldn’t guess you were older than like, 25, maybe 27, tops” and have experienced a similar phenomenon offered a more practical hypothesis.

“The same thing happened to me, and the only thing I can think of is that the shirts are just like, super shitty quality or something,” said your friend and local 34-year-old who has made no lifestyle changes since she was 17, Karrie Tan. “I mean, nothing has changed on my end — I still drink three to five nights a week, and haven’t been getting any more sleep than usual, so it has to be the fabric or something. I bet it’s those shitty dryers at the laundromat. I’m gonna talk to them about that.”

Experts report that, while many people’s metabolisms slow down considerably with age, exactly no one is willing to accept it.

“No one wants to believe they’re getting older and that their bodies simply don’t respond to eating six pieces of string cheese at 11 p.m. every night the way it did in their 20s,” explained CAMC physician Dr. Shondra Stubblefield. “Thanks to an unwillingness to face reality, these people are left to rely on their nicest, albeit least helpful friends to tell them that they can totally still pull off glitter highlight.”

In an effort to prove to yourself that you haven’t changed that much now that you’re in your 30s, you continued to text the guy you’re exclusively seeing who “isn’t looking for anything serious.”

Don’t Let This Face Tattoo Fool You, I’m Actually Terrified of Commitment

Posted on by Bobby Korec

When people look me, they see my earnest expression, my passionate eyes, and just above, below, and in between the two, they see approximately 47 face tattoos. Naturally, they see a man capable and passionate about commitment. Well, check your biases first next time you want to judge a book by its cover. Don’t let this face tattoo fool you because I shake and piss myself at the very concept of commitment.

Don’t be fooled into thinking I can commit easily just because I’ve committed to having a giant panther and a flaming skull on the side of my face until I die, most likely of an infection caused by improper tattoo aftercare.

You might be surprised to find that I’m way more impulsive and spontaneous than this facial branding will have you believe. As the story goes, I got this tat completely on a whim on an otherwise average Tuesday evening and never once considered that one day my grandkids are definitely going to see me as their “weird and emotionally unavailable grandpa with cartoon characters on his face.” That makes me really sad. Rick and Morty are so much more than just cartoon characters.

Besides, I’m a Virgo. As you know us Virgoans are notoriously bad at committing. Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to change your astrological sign. You just have to lean into those assigned behavioral patterns and use it as an excuse any chance you get.