The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: Ya Know, Stacy’s Dad Ain’t Half Bad Either

Posted on July 28, 2020 by John Danek

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stacy’s mom is hot as shit. I’ve heard; you’ve heard; the entire world has heard. And they’re not wrong. Nothing captures the world’s imagination like a catchy jingle and some top-shelf MILF. But it’s time to let you in on a far juicier tidbit of knowledge. Stacy’s dad? Well, he ain’t half-bad himself!

Stacy’s mom may have it going on but Stacy’s dad is a silver fox who will let you drive his BMW 7 Series in the driveway if you call him “daddy.”

Look, I know what you’re thinking: “But Stacy’s dad walked out! It was in the song!” Okay, this is true but you’re still a weirdo for knowing more than just the chorus.

Full disclosure: I am not an impartial observer in this story. I’ve been on a bit of a soul-searching road trip, which brought me to a Flying J station not too far from Badlands National Park in South Dakota. I was trying to fill up my tires when the air machine jammed on my last quarter. Out of nowhere, this chiseled, sweaty titan with a pepper-gray beard and traps for days materialized to give the machine a Fonzi-esque pound, in a manner equally suggestive and helpful. The air pump started instantly. There was a palpable sadness in his rugged exterior. Imagine if Hugh Jackman and Brad Pitt impregnated each other. He didn’t look like them or anything, I’m just asking you to imagine it.

Anyways, he saw my Fountains of Wayne shirt and said he was the dad from “that song about Kelly’s mom.” What a coincidence! We ended up talking, eating eggs at the diner, and rounding second base in the back of my Subaru WRX.

Look, is it possible that this was not the actual dad from the Stacy’s mom song? Of course. At this point, it shouldn’t matter. What matters is the joy his memory brings me, even all these years after our encounter. I’ll miss you, Stacy’s dad. Wherever you are I hope you’re doing that thing you do. And thank you to Adam Schlesinger for bringing the idea of the perfect man into all of our hearts. May your memory live on for that, if nothing else.

Defeated Pop-Punk Band Returns to Small Town Whence They Came

Posted on July 28, 2020 by Ish Gupta

PHILADELPHIA — Local pop-punk band The Dysentery Garys have left Philadelphia, dejectedly returning to their hometown of Botsford, Conn., in the wake of venue shutdowns and show cancellations due to coronavirus.

“This is gonna be hard to read, bros, but we have left Philly,” the band announced on Tuesday in an Instagram post. “We really tried bringin’ you guys that [fire emoji] the last few weeks, but it’s become clear that the scene just won’t be what it was for a long time, man, and there’s not enough IG live videos of us ironically playing Sum 41 covers to get us through this. The fact that even less people than usual are able or even willing to come out to our shows… well, that’s just a battle we cannot win.”

The final blow allegedly came after the group attempted to make a reaction video to the “Game of Thrones” finale, leading to a series of arguments ending in their decision to all journey back to the place they once longed to escape.

“We just think it’ll be better to spend this time at home,” bassist Sheila Kennedy explained. “I’m not looking forward to seeing the people these songs are about while I’m waiting in line to get inside the grocery store, but then again, they might not recognize me with my new haircut, face mask, and general aura of defeat.”

Botsford locals noted that band members have taken up new hobbies since returning to the middle-class suburb many of their songs depicted.

“They’re all handling it differently,” said high school friend Tommy Gracy. “Their drummer Troy started investing in penny stocks and he’s already made like, $70 so far, which is cool… but I also saw their singer getting into arguments with Ben Shapiro on Twitter.”

Rumors are swirling that the band is also considering starting a podcast.

Moronic Dataminers Thrilled After Discovering Luigi In ‘Super Mario 64 DS’

Posted on July 27, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — Following a string of leaks of early builds and scrapped ideas for beloved Nintendo games, the emulation and modding community has been bursting with enthusiasm and excitement ever since a team of totally moronic dataminers discovered wireframes, textures and sound effects for Luigi within the source code of Super Mario 64 DS earlier this week.

“This is a huge, unprecedented breakthrough for the SM64 community,” said Sugoi74, one of the idiots behind the discovery, in a megathread on a popular emulation forum. “We’ve been searching for evidence of Luigi being playable in Super Mario 64 basically since 1996. Turns out that he’s been right here in the source code of the game’s DS port this entire time, fully voiced and everything. I almost can’t believe it.”

Subsequent posts on the megathread explained that not only did the game’s source code contain all of the data necessary to render Luigi in the game, but the dataminers were even able to discover a method for unlocking him as a playable character without using any mods or exploits.

“It turns out that the developers included a secret portrait of Luigi within the ‘Big Boo’s Haunt’ level of the game, which we believe was for development testing purposes but left in by mistake,” explained Sugoi74. “However, if you jump through the portrait, there’s a mission where you have to navigate a maze and defeat Big Boo which then unlocks Luigi as a playable character. It’s really incredible that they left all of these scrapped ideas totally accessible within the retail version of the game, but I guess it just confirms that Luigi was intended as a playable character from the beginning. They even left him on the box art, which is a pretty big error if you ask me!”

At press time, the team behind the discovery raised further excitement on the forum after sharing evidence that both Wario and Yoshi were present in the game as playable characters as well.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Ad Making Offensive Insinuation About What You Want to Do in This Game

Posted on July 27, 2020 by Chandler Dean

ATLANTA — According to several users of file downloading services and illegal streaming sites, an advertisement featuring a buxom CGI woman with the caption “You’re Allowed To Do Anything You Want In This Game!” makes a pretty disrespectful assumption about what you want to do in this game.

Josh Olson, a patron of YouTube download service FilesToGo.net, felt unfairly targeted given his online activity.

“Look, it’s a pretty broad generalization to assume anyone trying to download an mp3 would want to play a sex pervert video game,” protested Olson. “It’s like, I’m just trying to put the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song over a dumb-looking picture of my brother. I didn’t ask for this. This is not what I want to do in this game.”

Ari Kim, a regular visitor of TorrentIsland.biz, took issue with the implications of the ad’s caption.

“Really, interactive porn grifter? I’m allowed to do ANYTHING I want in this game?” probed Kim. “Can I travel the world? Can I achieve self-actualization? Or do you assume that my imagination only extends as far as touching a cartoon boob? Because I’ll do that too, but there’s a lot of other shit I want!”

Kyle Anderson, who encountered the ad on FreeMoviesRiteNow.website, set clear boundaries about when she expects to see an ad of that nature.

“As soon as I start browsing a porn site, I have accepted that I am about to subject myself to all manner of depraved, cursed advertisements,” clarified Anderson. “But anywhere else on the internet, I am not mentally prepared to have uncanny valley tiddies shoved in my face.”

“I’m just a normal human being trying to watch Celeste and Jesse Forever for free,” she added. “This is uncalled for.”

Sean Gorton, head of ad sales for mp4-studio.videofun.ru, defended the integrity of the ad.

“The weird creepy suggestive video game ad absolutely holds up to the quality standards our users have learned to expect,” argued Gorton. “It stands proudly alongside the 17 fake download buttons we slap on the site, an erroneous notification that claims your Mac needs to be scanned for junk files, and ‘Congratulations, You’ve Won An iPod Touch!’”

At press time, the users quoted in this article were intrigued to learn that there are hot singles in their area waiting to bang.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Opinion: Being a Socialist Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Watch Reruns of “Supermarket Sweep”

Posted on July 27, 2020 by Ted Pillow

Being a socialist means I believe in income equality, universal healthcare, and affordable housing, but it sure as fuck doesn’t mean I can’t watch reruns of “Supermarket Sweep” on Netflix.

You’re probably thinking: “Gee, isn’t ‘Supermarket Sweep’ just a celebration of mindless consumerism in which frenzied shoppers compete to see who can acquire the most worthless products? That’s completely antithetical to socialism.” Wow, did you come up with that hot take all by yourself? Sit down and prepare to be radicalized, Karen.

Trust me, I’d know. I have carefully studied the writings of Karl Marx on labor relations and class struggle. But the man died in 1883. We must ask ourselves: what if, instead of living through the most grotesque horrors of the Industrial Age, Marx had been a totally rad ‘90s kid?

Well, if he had been, I firmly believe Marx would’ve gotten a real kick out of watching these soccer moms practically fist-fighting over a box of Nutter Butters.

Any true socialist can appreciate that “Supermarket Sweep” is satire, with its fetishization of brands, idealized representation of supermarkets, and careless “spending” of pretend money. That’s why I make sure to maintain my ironic detachment while loudly cheering on the contestants, screaming unheard strategic advice from my couch, and crying messily if I think the winning team seems nice.

Take, for example, the show’s wildly exhilarating ‘Big Sweep’ finale, in which contestants run through the aisles of the store attempting to ransack as much as possible. It’s hidden in plain sight: “Supermarket Sweep” is encouraging us to pillage the false capitalist dream! Plus, it’s really fun seeing all of those cool old school logos. Wow, look at that big display of Dunkaroos! TAKE THE DUNKAROOS, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

Uh, excuse me. I assure you, my interest in “Supermarket Sweep” is purely ideological. I watch these reruns to further hone my anti-capitalist critiques. Well, also because host David Ruprecht wears some absolutely heinous sweaters. And I’ve always wanted to run really fast in a supermarket without getting yelled at.

As you can see, “Supermarket Sweep” is practically “The Communist Manifesto.” It teaches consumers to rise up, seize their metaphorical shopping carts, and take control… oh shit, gotta go! “The Price is Right” is on!

Racist Bully Who Brought Gun to School Now Doing It For a Living

Posted on July 27, 2020 by Kevin Tit

TUCSON, Ariz. — Local cop and racist bully Dennis Peters, who once brought a gun to Roosevelt High School in 10th grade, is now employed full-time as the school’s resource officer, multiple horrified teachers confirmed.

“It’s crazy to be back at this school again after they kicked me out all those years ago,” said Peters. “I’ve wanted to be a cop my whole life — I was born to wear this uniform. Sure, I was hoping to be out cracking skulls across the city, but this is the only gig my Dad could convince the sheriff to give me. I can’t complain, though: I can still walk here from my parents’ house, I’m making a decent salary, and now they can’t kick me out for bringing my gun here. Suck it, Principal Taylor!”

Students and faculty claim Peters does not make them feel safe.

“I thought it’d be a good thing to have a cop in our schools, in case we had an active shooter situation or something. Now I feel like he’s the one we need protection from — the only time I’ve ever had a gun pulled on me was when Ofc. Peters demanded to see my hall pass,” recalled sophomore Darius Wright. “Sometimes when I leave school late, I’ll see him sitting in his giant Ford F-150 blasting Pantera. I told our principal about the time he mouthed, ‘Walk on home, boy,’ to me once after school, and he claimed he was ‘just singing part of the song.’”

Indeed, one teacher vividly remembers having Peters as a student and is unsurprised by his career choice as a professional abuser.

“Dennis — excuse me, Officer Peters — used to be in one of my classes,” stated freshman English teacher Alice Hemmings. “He was the biggest bully in school for both teachers and students; he made my life hell. I brought his parents in for a meeting after I saw he’d been drawing swastika’s on his desk, and his father actually said it was ‘his first amendment right to do it’ and told me to ‘watch my back.’ I don’t know why or how he ended up getting a job here, but I pray for the safety of every person who has to interact with that monster.”

At press time, Ofc. Peters was placing a student in a chokehold for smoking a cigarette.

Help! I Can’t Keep These Decemberists Fans Out of My Lithograph Shop!

Posted on July 27, 2020 by Nick Ortolani

I live a simple life. I own a small emporium where I sell lithographs to the good folk of this here small seaside town. Even more, I keep a special supply of ankle bearing tintypes in the back for the folks predisposed to more lascivious proclivities. But lately, I do confess I’ve found myself in a bit of a sticky wicket. I just can’t keep these fiendish Decemberists fans out of my lithograph shoppe.

Now do not mistake me, it’s not that I find myself stricken with fear by their presence. Indeed, a stiff wind could send the average Decemberist fan bucket-over, tea-kettle. While they do not obstruct me or my business in any meaningful way, and indeed are wont to occasionally purchase a lithograph or piece of ankle smut, they have also set about the task of staring at me in seeming awe, slackjawed as if they’ve ingested too much of Dr. Bonnefeld’s Toothache Opium.

Moreover, these tweed-adorned denizens seem privy to the most intimate details of my life. Just the other day, a man dressed mostly in scarves asked me if I was the same Aloyisus Tuttleston who had once cut himself free from the belly of a mighty whale, and whose late wife Bronwyn had succumbed to mercury poisoning while treating consumption. I said I was the very same, and the patron, so flustered, lost consciousness (conveniently upon my fainting couch). Upon regaining his humours, I set about querying the fellow as to how he came about these personal particulars, to which the good patron merely provided me with a miniature phonograph record. Whence upon listening, mine ears did find themselves struck with shock, and not simply at the lifelike reproduction of sound!

The balladeer sang lamentations of the tribulations of a destitute lithograph shoppekeeppe, one whose life could stand as a facsimile of mine own. A solitary queer detail set our stories distinct; the bard sang of the shoppekeepe’s violent end in their very shoppe. As I am still alive, I found myself flush with relief at my good fortune. I believe I will commission a sign barring these roustabouts from my shoppe.

Apologies for my peremptory nature, but I must cease this communique, for it grows late, and though it is past business hours, it appears a dark claden figure has entered my shop.

REPORT: Guy You Hated Telling Everyone You Were Best Friends Now That You’re Dead

Posted on July 27, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

SANTE FE, N.M. — A coworker you loathed with every fiber of your being strutted around your funeral yesterday telling everyone you were “the greatest of friends,” frustrated incorporeal sources confirmed.

“That raggedy bitch. I swear, I came this close to possessing a motherfucker when I saw him wailing and crying at my casket and then reading that shitty-ass poem he wrote,” you said from an astral plane outside time and space. “Now, I’m sure a lot of you must be thinking: as a spirit beyond the veil of death, why would I concern myself with such trivial human matters? But the thing is, this guy is so annoying. You couldn’t walk by his desk without having to make small talk. And the way he chewed gum? Fuck this guy across every dimension.”

Alleged best friend Jeff Dunt took a break from hugging dozens of your weepy-eyed relatives to explain how you and he “enriched each other’s lives.”

“You’d think working in a call center next to someone for six months wouldn’t be enough to form a lifelong friendship, but we just had a real connection, you know?” said Dunt. “Like our inside joke, where I’d say, ‘Hot enough for ya?’ and then they’d make this face like they wanted to slit my throat. I’ll miss you, buddy. When I get to the other side, I hope we can finally get that drink together — you were always so busy when you were alive getting haircuts, visiting your grandmother in jail, or whatever else seemed to come up.”

Toward the end of your funeral, your sister noted a “disastrous experience” in which she tried to contact you beyond the grave.

“I thought a seance was silly, but when the lights flickered and the table started to levitate, we were shocked to see your translucent image materialize… but even more shocked you insisted over and over again you and Jeff aren’t best friends,” your sister explained. “I thought about getting my Ouija board, but at this point, I don’t think it’s worth digging it out of the attic.”

Sadly, Dunt misinterpreted your efforts last night to “scare the piss out of him” as a sign that you two truly were platonic soulmates.

Food and Water Now Exclusive to Epic Games Store

Posted on July 26, 2020 by Andy Holt

CARY, N.C. — Building on their catalogue of exclusive video games, the Epic Games store announced a multi-billion dollar deal to become the world’s only source of food and water.

“Here at Epic, our goal is to become your one-stop shop for everything you need to be a gamer,” said their statement in part. “We began with the video games themselves, but we’re excited to branch out into other gamer services, like the sustenance you require to survive so you can play more of our video games, like Fortnite.”

Epic repeated the strategy from their recent acquisition of Rocket League creator Psyonix, purchasing full ownership of all eating and drinking before removing it from competing stores.

“Don’t worry—it’s the same food and water you’ve known and loved since childhood,” confirmed a PR representative over email. “However, moving these beloved favorites to our store means you won’t have to deal with third-party providers like grocery stores, farmer’s markets, and loving mothers. You can get all that goodness right here, and engage with it more dynamically than ever before through your free Epic Games account.”

Reactions from gamers were mixed, with some accepting exclusives as the new normal.

“Are they being a little greedy? Maybe, but it’s a profit-driven company, so I don’t really think you can blame them for it,” said local gamer Terry Strick. “It’s not like Valve is any better.”

Epic did not confirm rumors that they will make stale bread and water free-to-play, with premium options like soda and cheeseburgers locked behind a season pass.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Disney Announces ‘Hawkeye’ Show Delayed Due to No One Wanting That Shit, Come On Now

Posted on July 26, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BURBANK, Calif. — Disney announced today that their Disney+ Hawkeye show has been delayed indefinitely due to issues of nobody really feeling that shit at all.

“You guys know that, like, Jeremy Renner would be the star of the show, right? Jeremy Renner. Just think about that a little bit. Let the image of yourself sitting on a couch binge-watching a Jeremy Renner TV show swirl around in your brain a little bit,” said Kevin Feige at a press conference this morning. “The truth is we could have said we were delaying the show due to COVID-19. Something about having to delay production. But we could have made it work if we wanted to — hell, if anyone wanted to. But let’s be honest with ourselves for a moment and admit that, come on man, no one wanted that shit.”

Despite overwhelming precedence to the contrary, fans were quick to praise the very obviously good decision on social media.

“I’m a huge Marvel-head; I will watch every single thing that Marvel makes, no matter what. So yes, I am thankful that Feige had the heart to not put me through a Hawkeye show,” said one Redditor. “Do you know how difficult it was for me and my family to go through me watching every single episode of Iron Fist? The Defenders almost killed me. I don’t have the kind of self control to not watch Hawkeye. With this decision, Kevin Feige has potentially saved my life.”

Although the vast majority of fan response to the announcement was positive, there are rumors of those who are upset about the lack of Hawkeye show. Researchers, however, have found no evidence of this claim at all.

As of press time, a video of Jeremy Renner’s tearful response to the news received 15,000 Jeremys on the Jeremy Renner app, which is apparently considered a lot of Jeremys.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

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