Incredibly Realistic ‘Skate 4’ Makes Players Ration Little Cup of Salsa for Entire Burrito

Posted on by Karli Marulli

LOS ANGELES — Anticipation for the fourth installment of EA’s popular Skate franchise has heightened after the company promised the game would have even more realistic details than ever, right down to a punishing salsa-to-burrito ratio at in-game taco spots. 

“You know that feeling when you unwrap a huge monster burrito and then you fish out what looks like a green thimble from the bottom of the bag?” asked EA spokesperson Colin Mahoney rhetorically at a recent press conference, eliciting knowing nods from the entire audience. “It just seems like it’s never going to work, but that tension is part of the fun. We want players to experience that authentic moment of despair in Skate 4.”

Mahoney also highlighted the new and improved ergonomic controls players will use when trying to stretch approximately two tablespoons of salsa over their swaddled half-pound of rice and meat. “We suggest using a light tapping motion against the side of the cup to control the speed. You’ll be rewarded with nice little dollops, lovingly rendered in all of their glory using the Frostbite physics engine. This isn’t just a button-mashing experience, there’s some real finesse involved, just like the rest of Skate 4’s gameplay systems.”

EA also announced that in addition to enhanced grinding and popping sounds, players will be able to hear the horchata sloshing around in their characters’ stomachs if they resume skating too soon after lunch. 

Reactions from fans were overwhelmingly positive, despite the inherent difficulty of the new features.

“I didn’t even get mad when they said it would be possible to get a few dry bites. That’s, like, part of being out there and really doing it.” said Skylar Wendt, 19. Wendt also stated, on an unrelated note, that his shoelace belt is meant to honor the band Sublime. 

At the end of the press conference, Mahoney reportedly tried to emphasize that the autosave feature lets players save the second half of their burrito and return to it later, but was promptly booed off the stage for suggesting such a thing.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Democrats Increasingly Anxious About Broaching Subject of Asking Amazon to Pay a Tax or Two

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — A visibly nervous group of Democratic leaders held a closed door meeting today to discuss possible ways to ask mega-corporation Amazon to chip in to pay at least a small portion of their share in taxes, government interns reported while collectively rolling their eyes.

“I just don’t want to feel like I’m bothering them,” said Democratic Congressman Adam Schiff while sheepishly avoiding eye contact. “I have to admit, we liberals feel completely overwhelmed when we need to put our foot down for the benefit of the working class. Ideally, Amazon would just pay taxes out of the kindness of their own hearts, so we can avoid any confrontation altogether.”

“The only rational way we could think to ask Amazon to pay their share was to write an anonymous handwritten letter to Mr. Bezos himself,” Schiff continued. “We threw in a couple of smiley faces at the end to show that there were no hard feelings. Fingers crossed it works this time.”

Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos has notably gamed the system for his own benefit.

“We’re just dodging an easily manipulated tax code is all,” said Bezos before cackling for several uninterrupted minutes. “I understand why some might be afraid to approach me, however. With my aggressive baldness and totally masculine energy, I like to think of myself as the Jason Statham of capitalism. Nevertheless, I’ll continue to ignore what’s good for the country because as a precious job creator, I simply deserve more than everyone else. Like a trillion tax-free dollars, for example.”

Tax experts wonder if Democratic leadership has what it takes to stand up to the corporate giant.

“Literally all they need to do is write the federal tax legislation,” CPA Jillian MacMellon said. “Historically, the Democratic strategy has been to publicly talk about an issue in hopes to raise awareness and empower someone else to handle it. Until they muster up some courage and address the broken tax system themselves, major corporations will continue to follow a ‘pay what you want’ structure, which for them is exactly zero dollars a year.”

At press time, Democrats were crafting a follow-up email to Bezos but abandoned it after being unable to think of anything to say after, “I hope this email finds you well.”

We Teleported to an Alternate Dimension Where Trump Isn’t President but Ska Is Cool So We Came Back

Posted on by James Knapp

A couple of weeks back our office was shaken when a strange mass of blue energy suddenly appeared and exploded next to our most recently deceased intern’s desk, leaving behind a glowing temporal anomaly. After lunch, we began to investigate the anomaly and discovered it was a portal to another dimension, similar to ours, but with several notable differences which we felt merited exploration.

Primarily, Trump isn’t the president in this universe! Our society has managed to advance considerably despite such a slight fracture in our realities. Oh yeah, but in this universe, ska is considered kinda cool still so we came back and sealed off the portal forever.

When we got there, we noticed slight improvements in the America of this universe. It turns out in the Summer of 2016, Trump dropped out of the Presidential race when during his campaign, in a rare moment of bipartisanship, Nancy Pelosi and Ted Cruz beat Trump with a bike chain and a metal folding chair in the middle of a debate. Unfortunately, in this universe Less Than Jake headlines amphitheaters so thanks but no thanks.

In this universe, all confederate statues were torn down shortly after the 2016 election. Too bad they were all replaced by statues of the various former members of Reel Big Fish. Sure, none of them fought and killed for the right to own slaves, but one of them is named “Tavis.” For the love of God, click my heels three times and get me back to my universe, where the air is poison and things make sense.

We will admit it’s nice that the cops in this universe actually do serve and protect, but their sirens are on the upbeats. This world is an abomination.

On our way back to the portal, we asked one person we encountered who the president was. She replied with two words: Dancing Guy. We’d heard enough and exited this hellscape.

We’re so glad to be home safe and sound. While the world may be pretty bad right now, at least Rome from “The Bad Sublime” is just the singer of a shitty college stoner band and not the Secretary of Agriculture.

God Frantically Skims Bible for Reason To Reject Dead Straight Edger From Heaven

Posted on by John Danek

HEAVEN — God, the almighty creator of Heaven and Earth, can not find a single reason to refuse recently-deceased straight edge kid Randy Larrett’s entry into Heaven, multiple onlookers confirmed.

“Another one of these killjoy weirdos? There’s gotta be some Old Testament loophole in here somewhere — like maybe something about having bad tattoos, or wearing camo shorts to weddings,” muttered God while quickly flipping through the Book of Leviticus. “I just don’t get it — these wackjobs live a life of purity and simplicity for seemingly no reason. But if you let one in, they start blasting Earth Crisis on our jukeboxes and saying that my son, Jesus of Nazareth, is a piece of shit because his blood is wine. We try to have a good time up here, and we don’t need these guys judging us.”

Larrett, the 19-year-old who has never indulged in alcohol, drugs, or promiscuous sex, is waiting in Purgatory to learn his fate.

“I’ve always been an atheist, so I’m surprised by all of this. I just figured it was going to be eternal blackness — thankfully, I’m squeaky clean. This should be a no-brainer once I talk to that dude at the pearly gates,” said Larrett, who died after being crushed by a stack of Marshall amps while playing with his band Lucky Human’s Foot. “Now that I think about it, my life was indistinguishable from a Mormon’s — I even went door-to-door with pamphlets from PETA. So, yeah, I think I could have a good time up there with a bunch of like-minded people who aren’t pressuring me to drink or whatever.”

Meanwhile, other cosmological afterlife deities also clamored to find any possible reason to deny “wet-blanket” Larrett’s entry.

“No, no, absolutely fuck no! He did literally nothing wrong or cool in his life — there’s no way I’m taking him,” yelled Satan on a phone call with God. “Our whole bargain is that I take the trouble-makers, the evil rotten people, and the sinners. This lame-o is none of those things. He’s on your team. Now, excuse me while I go back to my guitar lesson with Euronymous.”

Reports show that neighboring souls in Purgatory are asking to be reassigned to different cells, as Larrett won’t stop talking about almost being at the 2019 Have Heart reunion show.

Fact Check: It’s Called ‘Shrimp Fried Rice’ Not Because a Shrimp Fried the Rice Itself, But In Fact Because the Fried Rice Contains Shrimp In It

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Recently we have been seeing a multitude of people on social media claiming that Shrimp Fried Rice got its name from the fact that a “shrimp fried this rice.” It’s time to set the record straight once and for all. Hard Drive gives this claim that “a shrimp fried this rice” a PANTS ON FIRE rating, our starkest ranking of falsity.

So what’s the truth here? Well it’s actually quite complicated. You see, it’s actually called “Shrimp Fried Rice” because the dish itself consists mostly of fried rice. The rice, however, contains shrimp within it.  The “Shrimp” in the phrase “Shrimp Fried Rice” acts not as an active noun, but as a sort of adjective. “Fried,” similarly, is not a verb, but a noun. The shrimp is modifying the fried rice, as opposed to cooking it themselves. 

The earliest record of fried rice in history is found in the Sui dynasty, beginning in the year 589. So how do we know that a shrimp, nearly fifteen hundred years ago, did not fry this rice? Surely, Hard Drive’s fact checkers were not alive during this time period in order to check themselves (an assumption that we rate as 100% ACCURATE, for the record). 

Well, historians believe that fried rice dishes came about in Chinese cuisine possibly as a way to incorporate leftovers from other dishes into a new meal. So, as the theory goes, a family may have eaten a hearty shrimp meal with some vegetables one day. The next day, with just a little bit of shrimp leftover, they would cook it into a fried rice meal, hence Shrimp Fried Rice. 

But this wasn’t enough for us. We decided to reach out to Bryan Hao, the head of East Asian Studies at the University of California-Berkeley.

“It is not called Shrimp Fried Rice because a shrimp fried the rice. I can assure of that fact — and I was much younger than today-years-old when I discovered it,” Hao said over the phone, confirming our assumptions. “It is actually called Shrimp Fried Rice, not because a shrimp was the one who fried the rice itself, but because the fried rice has shrimp in it. I sincerely hope this helps. You seem very lost.”

Not anymore, we’re not. We sincerely hope this helps readers make sense of what is real and what is not, considering the climate of Fake News we all live under. We all need to be informed going into the 2020 election. There is nothing more important than voting.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

 

Opinion: Video Games are for Children. If You’re an Adult, You Should Stare at a Wall Until You Fucking Die

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Listen, here’s the deal: there is absolutely nothing wrong with liking video games if you’re a child, but that needs to be the limit. The very moment you become 18 years old, you must pick up an adult hobby; something mature like knitting or staring at a wall until your eyes fall out of your head and you fucking die. 

Sorry gamers, but I am the arbiter of hobbies and you must comply.

Let’s start with Mario, for example. The red and blue overalls look is iconic and there’s nothing wrong with sporting a nice mustache. And also, you know… Bowser… uh…

OK.

I’m realizing more and more as I write this that I don’t actually have that much to say on this topic. As a column writer, though, I feel an increasing pressure to have not just the right opinions, but the best opinions. I need to have the only opinions. I need to distill a take so hot, it’s still glowing orange as I pull it out of my head.

This process has turned my brain into an apple sauce type mixture, filled with nothing but strange thoughts convincing me that every single person on Earth is operating under the same bizarre pressure. I assume that every person I interact with is making up their opinions to impress others. No one actually has beliefs. We’re all just playing a game.

Well NOT a game, because we’re adults. Gaming is for fucking children and if you disagree with me, you have an inferior mind. One you probably can’t even scoop into your mouth with a spoon.

I guess, at the end of the day, who am I to judge? I don’t really care how you spend your little lives as long as you click on my posts and tell me I’m a smart little boy. And no, that doesn’t mean I’ve “gamified” my life. I’ve adultified it. If you need me, I’ll be staring at this wall until I fucking die.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

How to Save Money by Cutting the Cord and Subscribing to Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, Hbo, Disney+, Apple TV+, CBS All Access, Oh Fuck

Posted on by Daniel Menegaz

I was once like you, barely able to pay for essentials like Tinder Plus while still having enough money leftover for avocados and bubble tea. Luckily, I’m here to help with the ultimate financial hack: Ditching cable TV and switching to streaming.

That’s right. Stop spending upwards of $50 a month for a bunch of crappy sports and news channels you’ll never watch and instead subscribe to Netflix. Sure, the big N’s selection may not be huge, but I’ve got a system for that. With all the money you’ll save cutting the cord, you can fill all the necessary media gaps by simply subscribing to Hulu, Amazon Prime, HBO Max, Disney+, Apple TV+, Shudder, Quibi, Peacock, and CBS All Access. And the best part? You’ll be saving upwards of negative $10 a month.

That can’t be right. Stupid calculator. Let me crunch the numbers again. The best part? You’ll be saving upwards of negative $25 a month.

Hmm… okay. Well, maybe you don’t need all of those streaming services. Who needs CBS All Access and Apple TV+? We’re in the internet age! Just use a VPN to get UK Netflix, mooch off your ex’s parent’s login, or use multiple 30-day free-trials. Still way better than cable.

I do kinda want to watch “Star Trek: Picard” though. Maybe swap CBS with Disney then switch back when “The Mandalorian” comes back. Or switch it with HBO Max when “Doom Patrol” is over. See? Simple.

Alright, fuck it. I’ll pirate everything. You think the FBI is really able to patrol everyone’s data? No way. This option will save you loads if you can deal with all the pop-ups. “Shady” websites like Putlocker, 123movies, Kisscartoon, and Pirate’s Bay have everything and don’t even really fuck with yØ∂¢ Ço˜m∏¨Áˇ‡flÇr.

Balls. Getting a virus removed is gonna set me back. This sucks. I’m just trying to save some cash. Why do I have to subscribe to so many streaming services anyway? Somebody should figure out a way to bundle together a bunch of services. Ooh, and you can jump between them all, like TV channels, you know? I would totally pay like $50 bucks a month for that.

Parents Relieved Teen’s Hardcore Neo-Nazism Mellows Into Garden Variety White Nationalism

Posted on by Brooks Gray

WICHITA, Kan. — Parents Tina and Dale Jeffries breathed a huge sigh of relief this week as their 16-year-old son Kyson’s militant fascism is finally taking on an easier-to-swallow form of white nationalism.

“Kyson is such a sweet boy. I’m thrilled he’s finally over that ugly skinhead phase,” said Mrs. Jeffries while she debated calling the cops on black neighbors nearby celebrating a birthday. “No more ‘n-word’ this and ‘Sieg Heil’ that — I mean, we have Jewish friends, for goodness sakes. He’s wearing much nicer clothes, and now spends most of his time educating himself on YouTube about how immigrants are destroying the American dream. I’m proud he’s finally ditched his hateful ways to learn about his heritage.”

Previously, Kyson has been suspended multiple times from his high school for wearing “white power” T-shirts and brandishing swastika-emblazoned paraphernalia, according to his guidance counselor Rudy Markowitz.

“Kyson is a little fucking Nazi dipshit, if you’ll pardon my French,” said Markowitz. “His parents think he’s reformed because he grew his hair out and started wearing pressed khakis, but he still believes all the red-pill fascist garbage he reads online. Now that he’s preppy and polite, everything’s fine as far as Tina and Dale are concerned.”

“God, I fucking hate this fucking job,” Markowitz added. “These are the types of kids you just pray end up dying in some sort of swimming pool accident before they hurt someone.”

Kyson now spends his free time as an administrator on the “Proud Defendors [sic] Of Western Civilisation [sic]” private Facebook group.

“The army boots, the shaved head, the SS gear… that’s kid stuff. I’m a very different person now,” said Kyson. “If we’re going to secure a future for our people, we have to be able to communicate our message to the normies — I mean, ordinary working Americans who believe in God, family, and country, and who support our president. Hitler had some good ideas, but he got a bit lost along the way.”

“I believe all people are equally entitled to a proud racial identity: black, white, brown, yellow, green, even purple!” Kyson added. “And I admire many aspects of the modern Jewish state of Israel. So I’m not anti-Semitic.”

At press time, Kyson’s father Dale Jeffries was at a local shooting range and unavailable for comment.

We Listened to Every Sufjan Stevens Album and Now We Are Giving Secret Handjobs in a Cornfield

Posted on by Ramona Apthorp

One of the many enjoyable aspects of writing for The Hard Times is being able to review the artists I love. This week, I thought it could be an interesting idea to look back on Sufjan Steven’s extensive catalog. However, what I didn’t account for was how this would lead me down a path full of handjobs framed by the backdrop of rural Illinois.

To say there has been a major shift in my life would be an understatement. Where I used to have quiet evenings spent with my wife of 5 years, I now instead lay awake with a pit in my chest every night thinking of lost lovers and the battle between trauma and recovery within a family setting. Strangely, the only thing that can take my mind off those thoughts, is sharing intimate moments with hundreds of anonymous gay lovers.

More specifically their magnificent penises.

When you consume 15 straight hours of beautifully crushing harmonies being whispered over a gentle yet persistent, piano melody, you reach a point where the only thing you need in life is a man named Anton to make passionate eye contact with you while you absolutely crank his hog to completion. I don’t know what it is about Stevens’ delightfully haunting lyrics that speak to my boner, but they truly do. I have never felt both as religious and horny as I have since doing this deep dive into Stevens’s catalog.

Is this just who I am now? Will I ever be satisfied with anything other than gobbling a knob while surrounded by sturdy and steadfast stocks of Illinois corn? I don’t even live in Illinois. I flew here for the sole purpose of sharing tender sexual moments in a cornfield.

An overwhelming feeling of peace has washed over me. A peace that feels like terror. Is this newfound peace dependent on moments of the flesh? Is that what I now gage comfort by? This is what scares me. I may never be able to shake this. I must accept that this is me now. A married man who can not stop giving passionate handjobs in the cornfields of rural Illinois. This is a sad outcome, but the sadness just fuels my craving for my flesh to be pressed against another man’s chest.

Anyway, I give Sufjan Stevens’ catalog a 6.5 out of 10.

Cop Pauses to Remember Chokeholds Now Illegal Before Murdering Innocent Person

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — NYPD officer Martin Stuart heroically paused earlier today to reflect that chokeholds are now an illegal use of force in New York City before shooting an innocent man 17 times in the chest, according to multiple witnesses filming from their phones.

“I was walking around Brooklyn on patrol when I suddenly felt a strange and unknowable fear wash over me. I couldn’t tell where it was from, but I looked around and saw a black guy carrying a bag of produce, so I figured it must have been his fault,” Stuart explained. “I knew I needed to subdue him fast, so I ran up behind him and slapped on a choke… and then I realized, I can’t do this anymore — it’s a crime to use chokeholds, and I refuse to be a criminal, like this guy probably was. I pushed him away and shot him instead. I’m just happy I was able to get out of there alive.”

The victim, 16-year-old Marvin Wood, died at the scene. His mother, Christine Wood, spoke out against the incident.

“I will miss my son every day for the rest of my life, but I thank God that he didn’t suffer slowly while a guy with less training than a dog groomer choked him to death,” Wood said at a rally to reform the police. “The incremental steps towards police reform are clearly working. I want to thank all of our politicians for making sure that innocent people who are extrajudicially killed at the hands of police officers are dying much more quickly.”

New York City mayor Bill de Blasio highlighted the importance of the police reform bill he passed focusing on chokeholds.

“This is a monumental time in our culture — and trust me when I say this — I almost said it was a monumental ‘CP time’ in our culture, but I learned my lesson when everybody got mad at me last time I did, back in 2016,” de Blasio said. “When Eric Garner said ‘I can’t breathe’ in 2014, it shook me to my core. It was something we needed to make sure never, ever, happened again. Well, I’m glad that it no longer can, through our banning of police chokeholds. Now innocent people will die before they even know what hit them.”

de Blasio has since announced that he will rollback legislation to end police chokeholds on citizens after the NYPD reportedly asked “very nicely.”