The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

GG Allin Impersonator Arrested for It

Posted on July 31, 2020 by Wilson Conkwright

ORLANDO — Local GG Allin impersonator Darius Boone was arrested last week on a slew of charges directly related to his tribute to his musical idol.

“I just got done pissing into my own mouth, and I was about to throw a bunch of dirty needles at people when the fucking pigs showed up,” said Boone. “I tried to tell the cops that this was all part of the show and people loved it — I didn’t even get to the part where I bash my face in with the mic, shit into my hand, rub it into my open wounds, and throw the rest of the shit at the sound guy when he’s not looking. I intentionally got hepatitis C to give the show an extra element of danger, and the cops fucked it all up.”

Sadly, these are not new issues for Boone and his cover band, GG’s Copy Cunts, who were scheduled to play at a local tiki bar last Tuesday where staff canceled their performance before it began.

“I knew we had a problem when this guy showed up covered in puke and kept insisting someone finger his asshole,” said bar manager Henry Gomez. “When I told him he had to put on some semblance of clothes to be in my bar, he stuck his head between his legs and farted in my face. He had dingleberry flapping like a flag in the wind — if that thing fell off somewhere in the bar, the health department could shut me down on the spot. I had to protect myself, and only four people showed up anyway, so I called the cops and let them take care of the guy.”

Ofc. Ken Blump was not pleased to be the first responder.

“He claimed it was all for the sake of art… but I don’t know what kind of art requires you to cut your private parts with broken glass and then bounce your torn-up nutsack around all over the place. Clearly, this guy needs help,” said Blump. “And I’m pretty sure I’m going to need a new squad car, because that guy did some damage to the interior during the five-minute drive to the station: we had to hit him with a garden hose before we even brought him in, and once he was inside, he finally broke character and apologized for all the diarrhea.”

“He’s facing a few years in prison, and for what? To dress up like a no-good punk that everyone hates anyway?” Blump added. “Doesn’t make sense to me.”

Pundits worry that impersonations of problematic musicians are on the rise, especially with President Trump’s recent tweets that closely resemble Anal Cunt’s lyrics.

Citizens of Rapture Unsure Where to Put Torn Down Andrew Ryan Statue

Posted on July 30, 2020 by David Sitrick

RAPTURE — Confusion reigned in the underwater metropolis of Rapture today after residents tore down the imposing statue of patriarch Andrew Ryan at the entrance to the city, and were left unsure exactly what to do with it.

“We were all set to go dump this big fucker in a lake or a river or something,” explained one protester. “Then we looked around. That’s kinda where we’ve been stationed since.”

The isolated underwater city has proven troublesome for disposing of the oversized bust. The crumbling infrastructure, left in the wake of a ravaging civil war in the late 50s, has yet to be fully rebuilt, leaving protesters to decide what corner of ruin is best for stashing the fallen statue.

“I wanted to dump the thing in a Bathysphere and tell it to fuck off, but there’s only one working one left in the poor neighborhoods,” explained the protester. “And good luck trying to get this big ass thing past the Splicer Cops guarding the spheres in the rich neighborhoods. I’m about ready to toss it in the yard of whoever thought it was a good idea to yank it down in the first place.”

The Rapture Police Department’s squad of ADAM-enhanced shock troopers have caused many problems for protesters throughout this latest period of unrest in the city, as the department’s quick tempers and hair-trigger use of plasmids have quickly become the conflict’s focal point.

“I’m out here with nothing but a wrench I had with me from work,” said another exasperated protester known only as Jack. “Meanwhile these fuckin’ Splicer Cops are hitting us with lightning, ice storms, they even dragged an old Big Daddy out from somewhere and trudged it out to fuck us up. I guess nobody told them using Big Daddies these days is a war crime.”

In the meantime, the statue seems to have for the moment been abandoned in the city center, with RPD officers finally having dispersed the unruly crowd after asking them to “please return to your homes, would you kindly.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

New Call of Duty Game Imagines What If Russia Attacked Own Civilians in Fictional City of PФЯҬLДИD

Posted on July 30, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision announced that the next game in the Call of Duty franchise, Call of Duty: Uprising, will take place in the fictional Russian city of PФЯҬLДИD, allowing American soldiers to aid Russian civilians in the fight against their oppressive government.

“To be perfectly clear, the city of PФЯҬLДИD — pronounced ‘Rfyatldid’ — is not based on any real world city or events,” said lead developer Todd Whittle in an announcement video. “It’s simply based on the idea that we, as Americans, all know in our hearts that something funky is going on in Russia and the Middle East. Something funky that red-blooded Americans should be able to roleplay stopping at nothing to defeat with some good ole patriotic violence of our own. That’s where Call of Duty comes in.”

“And no, we don’t really feel bad about making up a fake city to defend,” Whittle continued. “Because if something like PФЯҬLДИD did exist — government agents kidnapping protesters for no reason other than speaking out against injustice — it would obviously be immoral. That’s why we’re lucky it’s something that only exists in our video game.”

Despite Whittle’s insistence, however, story developer Joey Barnes claims that the game is somewhat based on reality.

“I have the easiest job in the fucking world, dude,” Barnes said in a phone interview. “Once a year I look up some shit that America did recently and I flip it to be someone with a weird accent. People ask me all the time in pitch meetings how I come up with my killer ideas for plotlines and I don’t have the heart to tell them that my co-writer for this one is Attorney General William Barr. I’m not doing political satire or whatever, I’m just too lazy to change things more than I have to.”

At press time, Activision hinted at a possible DLC that lets players act as U.S. soldiers fighting corrupt Venezuelan politicians who keep their power by locking up its own citizens for minor drug offenses, stripping them of their right to vote.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Committed Frank Turner Gains 40 Pounds to Cover Fat Mike’s Songs for New Split Album

Posted on July 30, 2020 by Bobby Korec

HAMPSHIRE, England — Popular singer-songwriter Frank Turner gained 40 extra pounds over the last month to properly play and cover NOFX singer Fat Mike’s songs for the new “West Coast vs. Wessex” split album, sources deeply concerned for Turner’s health reported.

“I’ve always seen myself as the Christian Bale of music — and now, I will forever be known as the world’s first ‘method’ musician,” Turner said before seeing how many Oreo cookies he could fit in his mouth at once. “The record company strongly recommended I just wear a fat suit to get into character, but did Mr. Bale wear a skinny suit in ‘The Machinist?’ I don’t think so. Anyway, I’m already hearing Grammy buzz about my performance, so aside from every doctor and family member warning against this new lifestyle choice, I look like an absolute genius.”

For his part, Michael John Burkett, a.k.a. Fat Mike, has some concerns about Turner.

“I’m not even that fat,” said Burkett while standing on a scale measuring him at 192 lbs. “Sure, the word ‘fat’ is in my stage name, record label, at least a dozen samplers, drivers license, personal email address, birth certificate, social security card, and all of my public apology statements, but there’s way more to me than just being the heaviest guy in my band. I can’t think of anything else right now, but I swear there’s more to me.”

Historically, the art world has been no stranger to body transformations.

“You wouldn’t believe the amount of damage artists put their bodies through in the name of art that will largely be forgotten soon after,” said Hollywood dietician Judy Garringter. “But it’s a surefire way to get some extra PR for your work. Unfortunately, people ultimately end up talking more about the weight gain or loss instead of the actual quality of the work itself. For instance, no one tells you whether ‘Monster’ is a good movie, but every single film bro is quick to note exactly how many pounds Charlize Theron gained for the role, what she ate, and her before and after measurements. It’s pretty creepy.”

After the album release and tour, Turner plans to lose all the weight and start working out every day to play Henry Rollins for a few covers.

Need some new music while you are sitting around at home? Check out “West Coast vs Wessex” the new album from Fat Mike and Frank Turner by clicking here.

Secret Police Charged Extra $50 for Returning Rental Vans Bloody

Posted on July 30, 2020 by Ben Friedman

CHICAGO — An Avis car rental in Lincoln Park is trying to send the federal government a $50 cleaning bill today to remove the blood from the rental vans used by Trump’s secret police during raids in the last week, an Avis spokesperson confirmed.

“I was completely on board with renting out our entire fleet to the federal police. I mean, they wanted 20 vans, plus the additional insurance! I figured they’d be using them for transporting some sweet tactical gear or ammo and stuff,” said Avis franchise owner Mike Mullaney. “But they returned the vans a few days later in the middle of the night, with bloodstains all over the interiors and missing license plates. I guess they must’ve been attacked by those violent protester moms. I’m willing to give them a break for not returning the vans with full tanks, but now I’m out $50 to rent a carpet cleaner.”

“Problem is, I don’t know who to send the bill to, “Mullaney added. “The guy who came in was wearing a gas mask and signed the papers, ‘Thomas Jefferson.’ All I can do is send the bill to the White House and hope for the best. I’m assuming Trump is the one in charge of these guys anyway.”

While management was working out who would pay for the extra cleaning, the rental company’s employees expressed concern over what they found inside the vans.

“You gotta be shitting me if you think I’m going to touch anything inside those vans. It’s not just blood in these things — the first one I opened smelled like burnt hair, and another one was coated in tear gas residue. I almost passed out,” said employee Jack Polakowski. “We’ve had vans rented out by the crustiest of punk bands that came back in better condition than this. Plus, you know how hard it is to get blood out of a car seat? I’m not gonna clean up after these fucking pigs for minimum wage.”

An anonymous representative from the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement after several other car rental companies from other cities came forward with reports of their vehicles being returned in shambles.

“The stories of government employees mishandling rental vehicles have been completely blown out of proportion,” read the release. “Federal police merely rented these vehicles in cities with violent ANTIFA activity to escort the elderly to church, and reports of the vans returning splattered with blood was merely an incident where a cherry pie was dropped after the driver swerved to avoid hitting a kitten.”

Mullaney is considering sending an additional cleaning invoice after discovering a protester bound and gagged in the trunk of a Chrysler Pacifica.

Hey! The Real Fascists Are the Ones Getting Arrested off the Street by Unidentified Heavily Armed Military Jack Booted Thugs Lead by an Authoritarian Megalomaniac Leader!

Posted on July 30, 2020 by Ryan Danley

I know all you libs are sitting home and watching the Lamestream Media right now. You’re seeing these “protestors” get picked off the street by heavily armed Federal police and muscled to unmarked SUVs and taken to a black site. And it’s making you cry into your latte. On cue, you start calling our great President a Hitler wannabe. Well, I’ll have you know that no matter what your cuck leaders may lead you to believe, those protestors are the real fascists.

Have you been around these liberal “thought police?” They like to point fingers all day, but then they’ll ask you to use a “proper pronoun” or something. Where’s my freedom to call people whatever name I want?

You trying to silence my bigotry is just the same as rounding us up and shipping us to a camp!

I’m sorry I didn’t realize this was a “safe space.” Do you think my grandfather who grew up in the deep south in the 40s and 50s ever needed a space segregated off from a specific group of people? I don’t think so.

And of course, we can’t forget “Cancel Culture?” You want to talk fascism? You can’t even degrade human beings for entertainment without some Pinot Griggio drinking hipster sending a tweet. And you’re the ones crying about due process and being kidnapped without provocation. Where was Louis Ck’s due process? Exactly Mussolini.

Last I checked the flag at the top of the pole, this is America. And our Founding Fathers were not some snowflakes that defied authoritarian rule.

They would never let some Croc wearing Soy Boy defile a building with a can of spray paint or ask for liberty for literally every single person. They would have cheered on a gang of jackbooted secret police that answers to a man who feels like the Constitution is merely a list of suggestions. That’s the very foundation this country was built on.

GOD Bless the USA.

Tattoo Artist Emerges from Quarantine With Upside-Down, Full Sleeves on Legs

Posted on July 30, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local tattoo artist Mike Lussier ended his self-imposed quarantine yesterday and debuted a plethora of new upside-down tattoos he gave himself to stay busy, sources craning their necks to see the work confirmed.

“I got bored and just started fucking around on my upper thigh. I wanted to cover up some of the terrible tattoos I gave myself when I first started out, and then I guess I got carried away,” said Lussier. “It got really tricky when I had to do the back of my thighs: I had to set up two mirrors, and then go off the reflection of the reflection so the tattoo wouldn’t be backward — that would’ve looked really dumb. I never expected to go below past my knees, but here we are.”

“Doing all this work on myself did make me realize something important: it helps to wet the paper towel before wiping away the excess ink,” added Lussier. “Turns out doing it with a dry towel sort of sucks. I’m surprised nobody ever complained before.”

To his credit, those closest to Lussier say the new tattoos are some of his best work.

“He did a scene from ‘Lord of the Rings’ on his right leg that is truly epic. The only problem is that you have to be standing behind him while he’s sitting in his underwear and looking over his shoulder to see it properly,” said longtime friend Artie Landers. “I don’t know if I should tell him that the satanic piece with all the upside down crosses on his left leg just looks like a bunch of regular crucifixes to anyone other than him — but it would look totally sick if someone saw it on him while he was doing a handstand.”

Other tattoo artists across the country noted similar struggles to stay busy.

“The only spot I have open is my back, and it’s been hard as hell for me to reach back there,” said Los Angeles-based artist Heather Benson. “I’ve tried my best, but I’ve only been able to manage to scratch a couple of lines onto my shoulder blade, and I dropped my machine a few times and it hit my lower back and made some dots. I tried taping the machine to the wall and then moving my body, but since I can’t see what’s going on back there, it just becomes a bloody mess.”

In other body modification news, a furloughed Claire’s employee’s ear completely ripped off yesterday from the weight of adding an additional 200 piercings and earrings.

Photo courtesy of Mike Lussier.

42-Year-Old Restaurant Manager Beginning to Realize This Is, In Fact, His Final Form

Posted on July 29, 2020 by Jimmy Beliakoff

BREA, Calif. — After a tense standoff with some customers around closing time, it became clear to local Olive Garden manager Darrell Klein that despite not realizing it for years, he had reached his final form.

“Pretty sobering, yeah, not going to lie,” Klein remarked while ticking off an inventory list in the storage room. “I always figured this was one of those first-phase things where I would climb up the ranks and quickly become the most notorious and feared man in the Olive Garden family, but unfortunately my life’s middling achievements have caught up to me and the best I’ve got going is being able to tell snobby wine moms that I am the manager! before refusing to comp their meal. I am the boss of the Olive Garden at the Brea Mall. This is my final form.”

“Maybe I’m not gonna go super saiyan,” Klein added. “But I thought I could at least go super Daniel.”

When asked about her shift lead hitting his own personal power level cap, hostess Daisy Beasley offered her perspective on the situation.

“I think he expected to become CEO one day, he works way too many hours and knows more Olive Garden lore than any of us thought existed,” she said. “Which to be clear, we didn’t know any existed. Darrell is a great guy, so it’s a shame he’s fallen hook, line, and sinker for the lie perpetrated by capitalists and anime villains alike, that all of your self worth is determined by how devoted he is to his overlords.”

Though the news clearly distressed him, Klein’s family reportedly received the news with enthusiasm.

“Does this mean we’re not moving to Orlando to lord over Olive Garden Headquarters like he always talked about?” said Sherry, Darell’s wife of 18 years. “Oh that is wonderful news. I am going to call the contractors tomorrow then and get an estimate on that deck he told me not to build until he ‘finished evolving.’ So weird. Oh, and that means Stevie won’t have to change schools!”

At press time, a wistful Klein sporting a thousand-yard-stare was seen smoking out behind the building as the new part-time busboy explained redemption arcs to him.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Girlfriend Has No Idea Sex Playlist Is Just Old School RuneScape Soundtrack

Posted on July 29, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

PHOENIX — Local girlfriend Marissa Andrews is reportedly unaware that the playlist her boyfriend put on during sex last week was just a 2-hour YouTube video of Old School RuneScape songs.

“She asked me who the artist was one the last song and I froze. I said Duke Horacio,” said Chris Moore, the 28-year-old boyfriend and former RuneScape obsessive. “How am I supposed to look my loved one in the eyes and tell her that she came to the soothing sounds of the east Varrock bank?”

“Plus, I’ve been playing RuneScape since, like, 2004,” he added, “so there’s probably something weird going on there.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Andrews has told her boyfriend that she likes the playlist, despite finding video games “annoying.”

“I tried to ask Chris what that cool lofi rap instrumentals he was playing while we hooked up, but he was acting all weird,” Andrews told friends. “It’s frustrating, because all he ever seems to do is play that fucking RuinScape [sic] shit. It’s nice to just be intimate for fifteen minutes every other week or so because it’s the only time he isn’t thinking about that game. God damn.”

According to the creator of the YouTube video, GoodGamer6969, this is a fairly common occurrence.

“Oh yeah, I get emails all the time from people who get down to 2007scape,” GG6969 explained. “You may go AFK for a decade, but RuneScape never leaves your bones. Especially if it never leaves your boning, haha. I’m 37-years-old BTW.”

At press time, after discovering the true origin of Moore’s sex playlist, admitted it was still better than her ex-boyfriend who looped the same four Logic songs over and over again.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Report: Biden’s COVID-19 Test Results Just Say “Dead”

Posted on July 29, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

WILMINGTON, Del. — Democratic Presidential frontrunner Joe Biden and his staffers were surprised by the results of a recent COVID-19 test that found that he was already dead, Biden’s campaign confirmed.

“Obviously, this is a very disappointing result. This test is 99.99% accurate and it clearly shows that Joe is dead, but we will continue to move forward towards the presidency regardless,” said Biden’s campaign manager Jen O’Malley Dillon. “We need a president who can unite this country right now, and alive or dead, Joe Biden is the man to do it. The campaign is as strong as ever right now — the American people have already shown they support his policy positions despite the fact they will do next to nothing for the common man, and they already seemed to disregard his obviously declining mental faculties. So death is not an obstacle for us at all.”

Recent polls indicate that the former Vice President saw a bump in popularity following the diagnosis.

“Some of my favorite people are dead — my mother, my father, and my childhood dog Rufus are all dead, and it just makes me like Joe Biden even more,” said Audie Lazaar, a registered Democrat. “Bernie Sanders was a bit too over the top for me — he’s so animated and yelling all the time; it makes me want to shut down. I’m glad he dropped out, because that is not how we beat Trump in November: we need a guy who can just sit there and take all the insults Trump hurls at them, and then just confuse everyone by attempting to mumble a retort. There’s no better candidate for that than a guy who is already dead.”

Biden himself spoke out to reassure voters that he “feels great” despite being dead.

“Listen here, Jack: death is not a concern of mine. I will continue my march towards the White House no matter what. If we need to have people work my arms like an elaborate marionette, then so be it,” said Biden’s stiff, pale-grey corpse. “My main concern is not the fact that my heart is no longer beating and that my decaying body will soon be nothing more than slime-covered bones — it’s fighting for the little guy. That’s a promise.”

Biden then added that if he ever crosses over into the afterlife, he will challenge Adolf Hitler to a fist fight.

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