Chloe Sevigny Hanging Around Indie Film Set Just in Case

Posted on by Kyle Stanley

VAN NUYS, Calif. — Celebrated actress and seemingly constant indie cinema presence Chloe Sevigny was seen yesterday hanging around the set of upcoming film “The Crying Beautiful” just in case her services are needed, mildly star-struck sources confirmed.

“Chloe wasn’t on the call sheet, but she was still standing outside hair and makeup when I got here at 5 a.m.,” said key grip Bobby “Buster” Blaise. “The best boy heard her tell the A.D. that she was ready if we needed her to play the cancer patient, or the cancer survivor, or even the transgender incest-survivor who also has cancer. Since then, she’s been wandering between set and base camp all day, trying to make eye contact with people. She’s really intense.”

The phenomenon of actors obtaining roles by hanging out near sets is quite common in Hollywood, where it is known as “Clint Howard-ing.”

“It’s almost a tradition in the film industry,” said movie insider Marcy Zezel. “Everyone knows that Harrison Ford was a carpenter who just happened to be in the right place at the right time, and that Ben Affleck was only at the ‘Mallrats’ set to try and buy weed. Chloe has built her resume by silently leering at talented auteurs like Wes Anderson, Larry Clark, and Harmony Korine, until they feel so uncomfortable they cast her.”

Although visibly unnerved by the actress, director Lance Fisher initially insisted that casting is complete and the Golden Globe-winning actress is wasting her time.

“We’ve had the cast in place for months and we couldn’t be happier,” said Fisher after shooting one of the film’s 38 flashback sequences. “God, she’s good, though. I mean, obviously — she’s an independent cinema legend. And to be honest, I’m a little afraid of having to say ‘no’ to her. You know what? I’m going to do some reshoots with Chloe as the hairdresser with breast cancer. Saoirse Ronan will be cool with getting fired after six weeks of work, right?”

Immediately after “The Crying Beautiful” wrapped, Segivny hitchhiked to New York City to track down Jim Jarmusch and stand outside of his apartment until he casts her in his next film.

Boyfriend Concludes 45-Minute Rant on Why He Doesn’t Need Therapy By Stabbing Refrigerator

Posted on by Laurie Storrie

AUSTIN, Texas — Local ex-boyfriend Sergio Matthews offered a convincing argument as to why he doesn’t need therapy by pacing around his girlfriend Mallory Speers’ kitchen and eventually assaulting her refrigerator, according to sources who have been here before.

“He’d been talking so much lately about how he was struggling — he keeps getting stuck in the same dead-end jobs, he has recurring dreams about his dad, and he can’t afford the payments on his new guitar, so I suggested talking to a professional because I care about him and want to see him succeed,” Speers recalled while sipping chamomile tea. “It just escalated so quickly from there — one minute we’re on the couch sharing our favorite memes, the next he’s standing in the kitchen pacing around and screaming, ‘I’m not yelling!’ over and over.”

When asked how she handled the incident, Speers offered tips she’s picked up over the years.

“I mean, my dad is a white boomer from New England, so I’m kind of used to seeing bottled up stuff spillover from time to time. Plus, I work in the service industry, so I’m no stranger to smiling while getting yelled at for something out of my control, but at least I get paid for that,” Speers said. “To be honest, I just wish I did more to save my fridge — the ice dispenser worked like a dream on that bad boy.”

Appliance professionals confirmed that the damage done to refrigerators, remote controls, and hall closet doors at the hands of emotionally stunted men is not uncommon.

“Appliances get impaled by foreign objects all the time. If I had a dollar for every washing machine kicked by some guy who’s been asked to take a serious look at his inability to commit to someone he’s been seeing for 10 months, I’d be a goddamn millionaire,” stated Maytag representative Chuck Jameson. “Maybe your favorite sports team lost, you ran out of milk, or someone just changed the thermostat while you were in the bathroom — there are lots of good reasons to stab your fridge. It’s just too bad they don’t make ’em like they used to.”

Jameson also wanted to remind customers that the company’s warranty only covers appliances stabbed with other Maytag products.

The Next Kirk Hammett? I Also Work With Two Egomaniacs and a Temp

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Holy shit am I the next Kirk Hammett? No, I can’t shred on the guitar and my hair is less “rock God” and more “birds nest, but like, a nice bird’s nest,” but after six weeks at this tech company, I have a newfound respect for Kirk Hammett’s patience. Sure, playing lead guitar for Metallica seems glamorous: the signature ouija board ESP guitars, the flowing hair, the muting of the bass player. However, after working side by side with two egomaniacs and a temp who keeps eyeing up my chair, my workplace satisfaction has taken a major plunge and I don’t know how much longer I’ll stay in this office.

At first, I thought I’d be the calm peacekeeper. A master of puppets. Well, that plan blew up in my face faster than a poorly-placed pyrotechnic. Endlessly, I hear them fighting and talking about themselves all day. One guy is constantly screaming about patent lawsuits while the other is “building IPO buzz” even though it’s not clear if we’re launching the app, building social media presence, or reverse data mining disaggregation service first. Neither of them code so I do all the work while one of them plays Big Buck Hunter on his phone while the other sneaks vodka in the bathroom.

I left a stable position at another company and moved to San Francisco for this?! I guess the documentary crew and interview therapist were red flags but I don’t ask questions; I just sit in the back and code. But I code better than anyone else out there. You can bet on that. If things don’t change around here, I’m out.

Eh, who am I kidding? They pay too much to quit. I’ll grind for these leper messiahs until we make “Black Album” money so I can quietly phone it in for the next twenty to thirty years. Working at Napster blows.

Band Breaks Quarantine to Meet Up Together, Talk Shit on Bassist

Posted on by John Danek

LOS ANGELES — Three members of local punk quartet The Herniated Dicks defied Los Angeles’ stringent coronavirus quarantine guidelines to meet up and rag on their bassist Johan Ivarsson, witnesses confirmed.

“I was walking my dog around Echo Park Lake with my mask on when I noticed a group of three people holding instruments, approximately six feet apart,” recounted recently furloughed massage therapist Kelly Ligon. “They weren’t playing their instruments, though — they were just laughing hysterically and miming playing bass, but with exaggerated, dumb facial expressions and stepping on rakes.”

The Herniated Dicks’ lead singer and rhythm guitarist Mary Lorriet confirmed that she and other members did not heed Mayor Garcetti’s advice of remaining quarantined until mid-July for the sake of, what she calls, a “spiritual emergency.”

“I know it was irresponsible, but shittin’ on Johan has become part of our weekly routine… and Zoom calls and FaceTime just aren’t the same when it comes to talking about how much of a dumbass he is,” explained Lorriet, who hasn’t had contact with Ivarsson since pre-quarantine. “This pandemic may have changed daily life for most people, but it hasn’t stopped J from taking his amp in for ‘repairs’ when he just forgot to take it off ‘standby.’ We have to stay on top of all the stupid shit he does before he can overload us with more.”

Group therapist Dr. David Ronson is urging bands to exercise caution when secretly ganging up on one member.

“In this time of self-isolation, any return to normalcy can do wonders for one’s mental health, so gathering to mock your idiot bassist’s inability to remember songs is infinitely tempting,” said Dr. Ronson. “But please, continue to quarantine, so we can reduce the chance of coronavirus transmission. Instead, try creative activities — like online puppet shows based around that time your bassist showed up to the venue at 10 a.m. instead of 10 p.m.”

When Ivarsson did not respond for comment, band members speculated that he forgot his email account password again.

Instagram Post of Twitter Screenshot Shows TikTok Star Reacting to Vine Compilation on YouTube

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — 22-year-old TikTok star Sarah Johnston reacted to her own 2016 Vine compilation in a viral YouTube video according to an Instagram post of a screenshot of the tweet promoting it.

“Haha. Crazy!” Johnston said in the Instagram caption in response to the screenshot of the tweet promoting the video, reacting to the various Vines she made four years prior, in which she parodied a meme format that had gone viral on Reddit that year. “Don’t forget to buy your diapers from Depend with promo code Sarah! You don’t get any money off the price, but you get to directly support me, Sarah!”

Screenshots of the Instagram post quickly gained traction on content aggregation websites like Reddit and Digg. The post also received write-ups from various internet publications like US Weekly.

“Wow! You just absolutely HAVE to see the LinkedIn comments about the Instagram post of this TikToker’s tweet for her YouTube Vine comp. You literally have not LIVED until you’ve read these hysterical comments; if you have not yet read the comments, you are, for all intents and purposes, DEAD,” read the Facebook post linked to US Weekly’s story. “Disclaimer: we get paid 10% of all Depend diapers sales bought using the links in this article.”

Johnston’s fans on Tumblr showed support for the TikTok star with notes about a DeviantArt drawing of the Instagram post that had been passed around various communities on FetLife.

“So cool!! Mind if I cross-post this to my friends on the Gaia Online forums?” said one comment. “I think they’d love to share it on their Pinterest pages! I almost pissed my Depend diaper full to the brim when I saw it.”

As of press time, not a single reference to Sarah Johnston had ever been posted to Parlar, where most users spent the majority of their interactions complaining about the censorship of conservative values.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

‘Mass Effect’ Fan Skeptical That Their Choice in Presidential Election Will Influence Ending

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

RIVERTON, Wyo. — Avid Mass Effect fan Martin Shore plans to opt out of voting in the upcoming 2020 presidential election, citing skepticism that his choice will ultimately have any impact on the ending of the race.

“Look, I’ve been down this road before,” explained Shore, a former Bioware fanatic who put countless hours into the original Mass Effect trilogy. “They tell you every choice you make matters, but then you finally reach the ending and guess what? You get the same shitty outcome no matter what. I’m not putting myself through that again, no way.”

While Shore said that he usually “votes Paragon no matter who” in every decision, he expressed frustration that America keeps getting the Renegade ending every time. 

Representatives from Bioware rejected his criticism, insisting that there were significant differences between the games and United States electoral politics.

“Frankly, I resent the comparison between Mass Effect and the American political system,” Mass Effect director Casey Hudson explained. “Shit on Mass Effect 3’s ending all you want, but at least it was possible to achieve a peaceful resolution. Try even getting an ambiguously happy ending this November.”

Shore only became more jaded after reading a walkthrough of each candidate’s platforms. While he admitted that each candidate’s path looked different on paper, he was baffled that their approach to issues like health care was virtually the same despite different dialogue options. 

“Listen up Jack, I ain’t like that other guy,” presidential candidate Joe Biden pleaded over a Zoom call with Shore. “Trump would sacrifice our closest allies to destroy our enemies, that’s just the facts. But me, I’m gonna take control of threats like police violence by creating a stronger police force in our country. You better believe that’s going to keep America safer for Black Americans, pal.”

Despite persuasive arguments from both Biden and Trump, Shore still planned to skip the polls and instead complain about the result online later, in hopes that the government would eventually just retcon the ending anyways.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Bored Woman Quietly Re-Follows All Messy, Oversharing Facebook Friends Unfollowed Over the Years

Posted on by Krissy Howard

BOISE, Idaho — Local bored woman Mona Trevino has quietly re-followed all of the messy, oversharing friends on Facebook she previously unfollowed after exhausting every other activity to pass the time in quarantine.

“I spent the first two weeks dealing with unemployment, and after I got that outta the way, I was kinda looking forward to reading some novels and getting my garden started,” Trevino stated, of her newly free days and nights. “Somehow instead, though, I just sorta ended up on Facebook way more than I had been in like, five years. But it was mostly just the same 20 people sharing info about mutual aid and prison stuff, which is great… but kinda boring, TBH.”

Realizing that her Facebook feed’s entertainment quality decreased dramatically after unfollowing several “shitshow of a human being” friends over the years, she quietly re-followed several, which has greatly improved her scrolling experience.

“My immediate go-to was Kaley [Pinker] from high school, and fucking Christ, she did not let me down. It’s been a while since I’ve heard someone call their new baby’s dad’s step-mom a ‘fat cunt,’ but Kaley did it no less than three times in like, 36 hours, and she accidentally tagged the step-mom in one of the posts. That got me through a really slow patch last Wednesday afternoon,” Trevino recalled. “The other nine I followed back weren’t as exciting, but at least two spilled a ton of dirt about child support drama… and no less than all of them have invited any ‘fake bitches’ to ‘just unfriend them now,’ because they’re ‘tired of being let down.’ I made sure to turn notifications on for all of those.”

“I also love how all of them don’t believe the coronavirus actually exists,” she added. “It’s a delight.”

Self-care expert and recently furloughed server Lenny Zachs recommends Trevino’s approach to getting through quarantines in whatever way possible.

“Self-care isn’t just face masks and bubble baths — sometimes, taking care of ourselves looks like staying up until 3 a.m. furiously scrolling through the Facebook feed of that guy you worked with at that call center back in 2012 and attempting to piece together the backstory behind his ‘arson incident,’” Zachs said. “Plus, venting this stuff out is good for the poster, too.”

“Sure, it’d probably be better to talk with a therapist about the time their ex-wife blew some metal dude outside of a show,” he added, “but those comments assuring that everyone ‘knew she was trash’ can go a long way, as long as no one accidentally ‘likes’ them.”

I’m Tired of Liberal Scare Tactics Telling Me to ‘Watch Out for That Car!!’

Posted on by Jessica Carreiro

Welcome to the liberal USA, where good honest folks are bullied into believing the democrat agenda. All because we don’t hold the same views about petty stuff like equality, evolution, or soap. And if it’s not bullied into you, the freedom haters will use fear tactics to scare you into it! It’s psychological warfare. Don’t believe me? Just now, I took two steps into a crosswalk and three liberals screamed at me to “watch out for that car!!”

Yep, in these United States of Killary Clinton, you can’t even walk off a sidewalk into a busy intersection anymore without Big Brother telling you what to do.

I cross this street every morning to get my Jersey Mike’s sub. What can I say, I love Italian food. Not once have I been hit by a car! Yet, snowflakes think I should “step back” because a Kia Sorrento is “coming right towards” me.

In truth, I don’t know if the libs signaling me to turn around are paid actors or well-meaning cucks who really think they’re about to witness a graphic collision. Both are an existential threat to our democracy.

The point is, sheeple are so focused on the car they’ve been conditioned to fear, they don’t see the chemtrails coating their sky with toxins. That’s a real thing the government is doing to weaken our nation’s firm cumulus clouds with gross, dribbly ones, but they’re too entrenched in CNN’s distractions to notice. So instead of wondering why the government is making clouds less fluffy, these libs are shouting, “Jesus Christ! You’re gonna get hit!”

Some people ask why we don’t err on the side of caution, even if we don’t believe the scare tactics. It’s a domino effect. The more we indulge in these scare tactics, the more restrictions they’ll use to control us in the name of safety. Like speed limits. We let the government tell us how fast we could drive and then what happened? 9/11! Or did it? I forget where my side fell on that one.

Personally, I’m not ready to give up my freedom to walk across the street without looking. If these snowflakes want to take that right from me, they’ll have to pry it from my cold, flat hands. Don’t tread on m—OH SHIT!

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

DULUTH, Minn. — A mother using Facebook’s newly introduced Night Mode was reportedly concerned she had wandered into the secretive underbelly of the web known for its nefarious activities. 

“Oh lord, I think I’m in pretty deep here,” remarked Shelly Pierce, a 51-year old mother of two who had inadvertently turned on the new Facebook feature, which merely turns the white background of the website black. “I got on Facebook and something happened and now I’m on that dark web, I’m sure of it. There’s people on here cursing, talking about taking away police, and I saw a man named Joe Bogan tell me to take drugs. I was just trying to find out if church services were happening and now I fear I will wake up radicalized.” 

Mark Zuckerberg, founder and CEO of Facebook, clarified that the recent update to the platform was merely a cosmetic one, aping similar modes introduced by many of the most popular social media apps in the last few years. 

“It’s really just to help reduce eye strain,” he said, denying the accusation that Facebook’s night mode served as a portal to the series of dubious websites that do not appear in regular internet browsers and are known as the dark web. “If a a simple swap of colors were enough to mistake Facebook for a place where criminals feel comfortable flaunting their wanton disregard for rules or morality, then we really would have to reexamine some things around here.”

Pierce’s son claimed that this was just the latest in a series of misunderstandings regarding his mother consuming digital media. 

“Oh, it’s always something,” said Dwight, Shelly’s 24-year-old son. “One time she lost her remote and John Oliver came on and she tried to call ICE. This might be the worst this time, though. She wrote everyone in a family an email that she had been exposed to Antifa and was going to self-quarantine for 14 days. My mom’s weird, man.”  

As of press time, Pierce had posted a cryptic status update that merely said “facebook.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: