Melania Trump Promotes BLM Movement Thinking It Stands for “Be Less Mean”

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — First Lady of the United States Melania Trump announced her enthusiastic support for the Black Lives Matter movement at a press briefing today after mistakenly thinking the acronym BLM stands for “Be Less Mean.”

“I am so happy that there is such a big movement like BLM right now. We must come together, in this time of unprecedented bullying, and all Be Less Mean,” Trump said at her press conference to promote her anti-bullying campaign Be Best. “To see so many Americans arrested, or even killed, for their staunch anti-bullying beliefs, is heartbreaking. I will be asking my husband, President Donald, to reverse these arrests and deaths. Now more than ever, BLM.”

Black Lives Matter activists are reportedly conflicted on how to handle the confusing remarks from the First Lady.

“I mean………….. fuck,” said one protester who wished to remain anonymous. “Fuck.”

“Well, maybe it’s good? Is it bad?” said another protester. “What if we convince Melania that the country’s most dangerous bullies are the police? Can we get Melania to support abolishing the police? Does it end up mattering if she does? I’m so used to moderate Democrats co-opting our messages to make them meaningless, so I’m not really sure how to respond to something this chaotic.”

Republicans, however, have reacted much more negatively to the news.

“Noooooo!!!! Mommy nooooooo!!!!!!!!!” Donald Trump Jr tweeted at the First Lady, who married his father when Trump Jr was 28 years old. “Mother!!@!!!!! tHat is not what it means!!!!! PLEASE DELETE THIS FLOTUS”

As of press time, Melania Trump retracted her support for the BLM movement after being informed that the acronym actually means “Bully Loudly & More.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Crystal Healer Plans to Donate Body to Pseudoscience

Posted on by Matt Wassung

KEENE, N.H. — Local crystal healer and tarot card reader Elizabeth Stuart plans to donate her body to pseudoscience upon her passing, friends and spiritual advisors confirmed.

“There is so much that mainstream science can’t explain,” Stuart said. “For example, why am I sad only on Tuesdays? Is it the arrangement of the obsidian points on my altar? Are Tuesdays incompatible with the biorhythms of the Virgo moon and Libra rising? Is it another reason yet unknown to humankind? Those are the questions I hope can be answered for everyone through my corporeal remains after I’m gone. There’s no need for my body to be donated to a teaching hospital so they can dissect me like some frog; I want to be donated to the nearest astral projectionist to see if my being can be transferred through dimensions.”

Stuart’s friends wholeheartedly support her impending donation to the pseudoscience world.

“Elizabeth and I have known each other through many past lives, and I think what she’s doing is great,” said friend Kelly Nolan. “The mainstream medical community has enough bodies they can study — I read an article that proved they actually have too many. Let’s think less about how man-made medicine can help you, and how things like reiki, chakra alignment, and Lemurian light-language activation can set you free from the shackles of our perception of reality.”

However, some in the medical community were disheartened by and skeptical of Stuart’s big decision.

“She’s in great shape, never smoked or drank, and rarely got sick, so if she donated her organs to, say, the Mayo Clinic or a hospital in her area, she could really help a lot of people,” said Dr. Sam Brooks, who was Stuart’s primary physician before Stuart began her training in shamanic crystal healing. “What do I know, though? I’m just a fucking doctor. I just hope she doesn’t eat a bunch of weird mushrooms and then have to come in to get her stomach pumped.”

At press time, Stuart was giving herself a tarot reading, which she dismissed right away. “That was a bad one,” she said. “I forgot to shuffle, so it doesn’t count this time.”

If the Confederate Flag Keeps Getting Banned Then How Am I Supposed to Show I’m a Proud Southern Connecticutian?

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Let me tell you something about my hometown of Darien, Connecticut. Growing up they taught us to feel pride. The pride that you feel when you slip on your best pair of Sperry’s. The pride you feel when the sun hits the top of your thighs while out sailing because your chubbies barely cover your ball sack. How am I to show that I am a proud southern Connecticutian if they keep banning the use of the confederate flag?

There are those who might criticize my choice to fly the stars and bars from the back of my parents’ yacht given that Connecticut was technically part of the Union, but let me ask you something. Did you know that those stars in the middle represent the original 13 colonies? Well, guess what? Connecticut was one of the original 13 colonies. This means my claim to that flag is just as legitimate as anyone else. I bet they don’t teach you that in one of those hippie-dippie liberal arts schools.

Actually I went to Hampshire so I can tell you for a fact they don’t.

More than anything though that flag represents heritage. My family has a long history that dates back to the very founding of America so our roots here run deep. We’ve even traced our lineage back to the famous John Jope who was captain of the ship The White Lion. I can confidently say that when I fly that flag I feel like a white lion. I have no idea what the ship did exactly but I bet it was something really brave.

Look, I love three things: Clam Chowder, the first day of fall where it’s cold enough that you need a sweater and the confederate flag.

This flag represents the spirit of rebellion, not slavery and racism! How could I hate black people? I don’t even know any black people!

So try as you liberals might but I will always proudly fly the flag of my people because this flag transcends latitude and longitude. If you need further proof then let me inform you that even some Germans fly it in their country. How can a flag be racist if it’s so international? To that, I say “Blut und Boden meine deutschen Brüder”!

That’s why this southern Connecticutian isn’t putting this flag away anytime soon. Besides, without this flag, people might think I’m from Hartford or something, and let’s just say that city is a bit too colorful for my tastes.

Not to Be a ‘Devil’s Advocate,’ but the Dark Lord Has His Claws Deep Within Me and I Must Do His Bidding

Posted on by Michael Luis

Hey there. I can’t help but notice you’ve been sharing lots of articles and images about the George Floyd protests, COVID-19, Donald Trump’s incompetent presidency, and other current events.

Now, I don’t want to be a “devil’s advocate” as they say, but about two weeks ago I read an ancient scripture in an abandoned cathedral, and now Satan himself is using me as a vessel of flesh to communicate with earthbound mortals.

I thought it was quite noble of you to share a video explaining how police disproportionately target minority communities alongside a #BlackLivesMatter hashtag, but I can assure you that in the eyes of the almighty Lucifer, no lives matter, humans are inherently filth, and they all deserve to rot in the fiery pits of Hell for all of eternity.

As for that infographic you shared about how masks prevent asymptomatic transmission of COVID-19, I hope it persuaded some ignorant people to wear them. However, there is no mask that can save you weak repugnant fools from where you’re going. Your pink lungs and flimsy textiles are no match for the toxic fumes of the netherworld.

Now the Trump presidency, well, that one’s a tad embarrassing. Let’s just say that God lost a drinking bet and things got out of hand.  Making him president was pretty fucking evil, even for Satan. Sorry ‘bout that.

I’m sure when you read “devil’s advocate,” you thought that I was going to share out-of-context statistics, things I misheard on a podcast, and fringe conservative conspiracy theories that can easily be debunked. You may be glad to know that the Devil hates the people that do that just as much as you. In fact, there is a special place in Hell reserved for them. The #BlueLivesMatter people are forced to lick an actual boot until their tongues fall off. It’s as funny as it sounds.

So yes, while I don’t want to be a “devil’s advocate,” I’m presently being consumed by Beelzebub’s satanic powers and have no semblance of autonomy left. I encourage you to make all of the woke social media posts you want, but just remember that IN NOMINE DEI NOSTRI SATANAS LUCIFERI EXCELSI!

Florida Wins Government Bid to Become Mass Grave

Posted on by Ben Friedman

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced today that his state has won a federal contract to become the nation’s largest mass grave, thanks in part to his grossly inept COVID-19 pandemic response.

“The great state of Florida will soon become the biggest mass grave in the country, and possibly the world. This contract will be a huge boon for our economy… at least for whoever is left after the pandemic is over,” said DeSantis from his virus-proof underground bunker. “At the rate COVID-19 has spread, I’m sure you can imagine how many resources are needed to dig holes deep and wide enough to fit thousands of bodies at a time. Hell, the billboard-sized grave markers to list all the dead will create 2,000 jobs alone.”

The U.S. Department of Commerce, which proposed the contract earlier this month, did not expect to see such fierce competition for the bid but was unsurprised that Florida came out on top.

“It was a three-way tie between Florida, Arizona, and Texas for a few weeks there. But the bid clearly stated that the contract would only be awarded to the state with the most criminally negligent pandemic response, in addition to having a majority of its constituents possessing a blatant disregard for their own well-being,” said White House representative Mike Gordon. “Once Texas required masks in public and Arizona proactively ordered morgue trucks on standby, Florida emerged as the clear winner. Now COVID can run its course while simultaneously reinvigorating the job market for the very few projected survivors.”

Florida residents are excited by the winning the bid, seeing it as a path to economic recovery.

“Yeah, it sucked watching my dad’s funeral over Zoom last week, but this contract almost makes up for it — I’ve been out of work for nine weeks, and I’ve been itching to get back in the seat of some heavy machinery. I saw they’re looking to hire guys to operate those giant fucking mining saws to dig the graves deep enough. How badass is that?” said Jacksonville resident Earl Watson. “I’ll finally be able to buy that jet ski I’ve had my eye on. Hell, I’ll buy one for my brother too, if he makes it out of the ICU.”

Since the announcement, Disney World and Universal Studios have reportedly submitted bids for a lucrative subcontract to turn one of the theme parks into a giant crematorium.

Guy Who’s Really Good at Landing Mario’s Forward Smash Can’t Possibly Have Hurt All Those People

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

SAN DIEGO — Fans of professional Smash Bros. player and alleged sexual predator ‘K1ra’ have reported widespread feelings of disbelief that someone so capable with Mario’s moveset could ever harm anyone. 

“I just can’t believe K1ra could ever do something like these people are saying,” said one superfan. “Just like I couldn’t believe when he three-stocked that Joker player back in 2019! It was nuts, dude. I almost consider him a friend.”

Allegations against K1ra were aggregated into a Reddit post detailing the accounts of various victims, many of whom were underage at the time. To refute their claims, K1ra fans posted footage of him restarting a match when his opponent’s controller malfunctioned. “Now that’s a role model for kids,” one commenter posited. 

“K1ra is a perfect gentleman when it comes to women,” said Smash Bros. commentator Con_Aire, who also spoke highly of the player’s character, describing an instance at one convention where he witnessed K1ra taking a girl back to his hotel room to privately show her how to play better. When asked to elaborate, Con_Aire refused to comment further and posted a YouTube video titled “K1ra Mario 4 Stocks HYPE Compilation”.

To step in front of the accusations being levied against him, K1ra has released a monetized response video titled ‘My Apology.’

“I want to thank my fans, who enable me to do all the things I’ve ever wanted to do and more,” K1ra said.  “And to Sarah, I am sorry that you feel as if I’ve wronged you. But your post says I met you when you were 15, even though you would have been 16 by the time of EVO 2017. Sounds like there are some holes in your story. To the others… I’ll uh, get back to you.”

Meanwhile, hundreds of fans have bought plane tickets in order to watch K1ra’s performance in the San Diego court system. Sources online confirm that he has hired a “god-tier” defense lawyer.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Washington Football Team Claims They Only Used That Name to Get Into Harvard

Posted on by Chris Nakis

WASHINGTON — Representatives for the popular NFL team based in Washington, D.C. claimed today that they only used their long-standing team nickname as a strategy to get the organization into the highly-competitive Harvard University.

“We weren’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings. We just wanted our application to stand out,” said Max Walters, the team’s Director of Human Resources. “We needed to get selected ahead of the Chiefs and the Browns, and we really had no way to make the organization retake the SAT. Look, to get the attention of an admissions department, you may have to use a slur or two — our college essay was so weak, it was about how volunteering changed our perspective. Boring. By the way, did I mention that new licensed merchandise is available in the team gift shop?”

“And for the record, when I wear a Marine Corps uniform on an airplane to get free drinks, I’m not mocking the brave men and women in our armed services,” Walters added. “I’m honoring them.”

NFL spokesperson Kelly Norwood weighed in.

“Sure, if we got all of our organizations into an Ivy League institution, it’d be a real feather in our cap. Unfortunately, the Washington team has rarely had the athletic skills needed to go to a place like Harvard, and it’s a shame they resorted to tactics like this,” said Norwood. “Maybe we can work out a donation to make things right — the ‘Bud Light Student Union’ has a nice ring to it. Either way, the NFL is committed to atonement, even if it is decades late and only because public pressure forced us to do so.”

Still, many fans are defending the team’s controversial, original name.

“The team name is about honoring the people Christopher Columbus discovered when he founded America,” said season ticket holder Thomas Laine, wearing a traditional war bonnet. “Plus, the end zones are already painted. Are we going to dishonor the hard work of the dedicated groundspeople who spent minutes of their day perfecting each line? I guess I’m the only person that values their contribution to this country.”

As part of their apology, the football team is committing to both a name change and picking up a few extra-curricular activities.

CDC Urges Americans to Shut the Fuck up While They’re Trying to Think

Posted on by Andrew Murphy

ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention urged Americans today to “Shut the fuck up for one goddamn second while we’re trying to figure something out,” during a press conference at the organization’s headquarters.

“Seriously. Guys, we’re trying to figure out a way to control the pandemic, and to do that, we need you to just keep it to a dull roar,” said CDC spokesperson Nolan Ackerman. “I’m not fucking joking around — this is very serious. None of us can focus for two goddamn seconds because everyone keeps asking when they’re going to die. Just chill for once in your lives, so we can figure this shit out.”

When asked when Americans could resume being loud maniacs again, Ackerman, pacing and sweaty and burning through several cigarettes, responded by miming a gun and putting it to his head. “I am trying to prevent you and your fucking family from dying,” said Ackerman. “And I can’t keep this from spiraling while you’re running your goddamn jaw right next to where I’m trying to think, O.K.? Fuck.”

The conference marked the latest escalation from the CDC, following last Monday when CDC officials urged “all Americans who don’t have smooth brains to wear a mask in crowded places,” and to “wash their hands after they finish digging around in their own assholes.”

“Many Americans are struggling with a tidal wave of COVID-19 information, and it can be overwhelming… especially to people who seem to think wearing a thin cloth over their face is the equivalent of being murdered,” said researcher Carl Udall. “Some people are confused about whether masks prevent the spread, or if they protect… wait, hold on. Are those fireworks? Who the fuck is just shooting off fireworks right now? It’s 10 a.m. The Fourth was weeks ago.”

The latest CDC guidelines received a mixed reception.

“No, YOU shut the fuck up,” said William Landis of the conservative think-tank Americans For Freedom Now. “I have a right to blare my dope-ass sound system right next to your fancy science party… which is why I’m throwing a totally bitchin’ rave and BBQ in my mom’s basement this weekend. Suck my dick, science bitch. SUCK MY DICK!!!!!!”

Holding a press conference of his own after, President Donald Trump asked Americans of all walks of life to “raise the motherfucking roof for all the real victims!” and blasted an air horn directly in Dr. Anthony Fauci’s ear.

Saying ‘Hey! Listen!’ Is No Longer Enough

Posted on by Noah Ammerman

Ever since Ganondorf attacked Hyrule, I’ve had to constantly remind you that we can’t go back to our normal lives until this great evil is defeated. At this point, though, it’s clear that just saying “Hey! Listen!” is no longer enough to defeat the systemic Ganondorf evil that’s tearing apart our community.

Look, I’m not denying that progress has been made. You’ve gathered all of the Spiritual Stones to enter the Sacred Realm and even helped out some ordinary townsfolk. But it seems like every time you survive a temple, there’s this long stretch where you just want to pat yourself on the back for being the “Hero of Time” and take a long break to find more items that will make you feel safer.

Are you tired of me popping up over your shoulder and telling you what to do? Well, guess what? I am too. I shouldn’t have to routinely explain that an evil Gerudo king deposing our government and obtaining the power of a god is bad. I guess the looming danger of annihilation just doesn’t hold your attention when you could be stuffing spiders in your pants to trade for a slightly bigger wallet, right?

And yes, I am far from perfect, myself. I spent years saying “Hey! Listen!” and “Hey! Hear!” but the current times have radicalized me. No longer can I sit idly by as skulltulas roam the lands until someone hits them with an arrow. The time to say “Hey! Listen!” is over, and there’s no shame in just jumping on the bandwagon now. I need you to join me in saying, from now on, “Hey! Radical Change!”

Let me be clear — I’m not trying to attack the way you go about saving the world, but the truth is you’re only able to act so carefree because of the circumstances of your birth. The Master Sword only acknowledges you as the hero because of who your ancestors were, and that’s why everyone keeps giving you mystical woodwind instruments and other fancy bullshit just for existing. 

You might have the Triforce of Courage, but it’s only because so many people selflessly offered you their support and magic items that you have the power necessary to vanquish this ancient evil. You now have a responsibility to those people save all of Hyrule, so it really fucking worries me to see you’re still hanging out in Kakariko and…buying magic beans to plant in the ground? Are you kidding me?

You’ve heard me say this before, and I don’t want to nag you, but I’m only here to make sure you can communicate better with your allies and never lose sight of the enemies you have to defeat. I’m sorry if I’m getting on your nerves, but I don’t care if you’re uncomfortable focusing the camera on someone other than yourself for a change.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Only One Way to Find Out If Start Button Will Pause or Skip Crucial Cutscene

Posted on by CJ Hernandez

TAMPA, Fla. — Local gamer Kristine Rivera reportedly held her bladder for 12 painful minutes last night, unsure if pressing the start button would pause or skip the cutscene she’d unknowingly triggered in the RPG she was playing. 

“God, I gotta go so fuckin’ bad, man,” Rivera was heard saying in a Discord call with friends. “Stupid JRPG, I thought that was a side area! Fifty hours in and I have never once even tried to hit the Start button in a cutscene, what do I do? God damn that Big Gulp, not worth it! Always thought PC was superior but I would kill for a dedicated HOME button right about now.” 

Faced with the question of how to relieve herself without missing any key plot developments, Rivera’s advisors on Discord hotly debated several potential solutions before finally recommending that Rivera “…just let it rip in the Big Gulp cup,” a suggestion that Rivera refused to consider as there was still a bit of soda remaining in the cup.

“Why didn’t I buy a wireless headset?” Rivera lamented, five minutes into the long, slow, but absolutely essential, story event. “Why don’t I have desktop speakers? I can’t miss this scene but I’m gonna burst, shit! Shit! I’m gonna press it, I’m gonna press start! It’ll give me a confirmation before skipping, right? Right!?” 

Rivera was quickly talked down from the cliff, after friends cited several games that did not provide a chance for confirmation upon pressing start.

“I don’t see why you don’t just go take a piss and watch the cutscene on YouTube after,” said Butternutter24, another Discord user on the call. “Hell, it’s a JRPG. Just watch the whole game on YouTube while you’re on the toilet, it’s literally the same thing.” Butternutter24 was unavailable for further comment, as they were immediately banned from the server for their comments.

As of press time, Rivera remained unable to confirm or deny whether the Start button was able to pause the cutscene in question. Several neighbors reportedly saw her gaming chair out in the garbage this morning.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: