5 Amazing Things You Missed in ‘Ghost of Tsushima’ Because Your Grandma Bought You ‘Call Of Duty: Ghosts’

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

Ghost of Tsushima has solidified itself as an instant classic of our generation, which you are painfully aware of even though your grandma accidentally bought you a copy of Call of Duty: Ghosts instead. You probably googled Ghost of Tsushima just so that you could daydream about playing it, which is why we wrote this list to generate ad revenue off you. Here are the top five amazing things from Ghost of Tsushima that you would never know about otherwise.

#5. Subtle Environmental Direction 

While you travel Tsushima Island—excuse me, when someone who owns the game travels Tsushima Island, they are led to points of interest by the mythical kamikaze wind. This naturally guides players through the expansive and well-realized open world, which is way cooler than leading them by the nose with waypoints in Call of Duty: Ghosts. Sorry, you know it’s true.

#4. Multiple Playstyles

Ghost of Tsushima allows the player to decide if they want to be an honorable samurai who fights face to face, or a stealthy ghost who uses wits and fear to defeat the invading Mongols. You can’t choose either though, because you decided to send your grandma to Gamestop alone and expected her to get the right game. Don’t blame the old lady—this is on you.

#3. Fully Customized Samurai Gear

To enhance these playstyle choices, Ghost of Tsushima offers a wide array of awesome gear to fully customize Jin. Oh, Jin is the main character by the way—not that you would know anything about that. Anyway, you can earn powerful weapons such as longbows, or find badass armor that offer special abilities while also looking stylish. Here’s an upside, though: there are definitely way more guns in Call of Duty: Ghosts! Plus it’s first person, so at least you can pretend that the main character looks cool, even though he probably doesn’t.

#2. An Epic Samurai Story

Ghost of Tsushima follows Jin, a lone samurai warrior who must learn new techniques and become stronger in order to single-handedly repel a Mongol invasion and become the legendary “Ghost” in the process. It is a classic story that is sure to satisfy any Kurosawa fan, which I hope you aren’t, otherwise you are probably going to hate Call of Duty: Ghosts. Jin’s story of discipline and honor is fully explored over a 25 hour main quest, all while immersing the player in the setting of 13th century Japan. Call of Duty: Ghost has a four-hour campaign, but maybe if you play it seven times you will get just as much out of it.

#1 Thing You Missed: Your Grandma Trying Her Best to Make You Happy

Sure, your grandma may not be the highest-rated PlayStation game on Metacritic right now, but she rates you as the best grandchild in the world. She had to go into a Gamestop of all unholy places and spend her limited income she earned over a lifetime, all so that you could have fun. While the rest of us out here are playing a masterpiece historical epic with buttery smooth combat, you get to have someone who only wants you to be happy, which you cannot get from a video game—although even if you could get it from a video game, that video game would certainly not be Call of Duty: Ghosts.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Popular New Whiskey Comes in 4-Foot Tall, 1-Inch Wide Bottle

Posted on by John Danek

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Conestoga Distillery, the makers of popular new Vulture Rye whiskey, have disrupted the market by selling their product in the least-efficient bottle seen yet in spirits, measuring four feet tall and one inch wide.

“Inspired by the Space Needle, Chimney Rock, and the Washington Monument, the Vulture Rye bottle is a testament to the quality of the whiskey inside — it’s so delicious, we simply don’t care if you can’t put this bottle on your shelf,” explained Conestoga’s master distiller Bertrand Pike. “And Lord help you if you think you’ll ever give this a quick freeze: we designed this specifically to not fit in fridges, freezers, or even the backseats of most four-door sedans.”

Whiskey lovers far and wide are fawning over Vulture Rye, despite the bottle’s design rendering it more easily knocked over than any vessel in hard liquor history.

“Vulture Rye is so good, I don’t care that I had to get a new, custom Ikea bookshelf to continue storing all my booze together,” claimed Meredith Barre, founder of DoubleWhiskeyCokeNoIce.org. “The bottle is obnoxious to bring to friends’ houses, and it’s shockingly difficult to pour, but the notes of honey, mahogany, and clove cigarettes keep me coming back again and again. I wish I could fit the whole thing in one photo.”

This month’s issue of Whiskey Advocate magazine dedicated the cover and a feature article to Conestoga Distillery’s game-changing creation.

“Back in the day, Maker’s Mark upped the annoying bottle game by slathering red wax over the cap, ensuring you get red flakes under your fingernails every time you open a new bottle,” wrote staff editor Joel Gentiloni. “Conestoga Distillery takes things a step further by creating a top-heavy bottle that you can only reasonably keep on the floor. Such iconoclastic design will go down in the history books of impractical and annoying whiskey bottles, for sure.”

Conestoga Distillery hopes to outdo their current notoriety by releasing a new scotch barrel-aged bourbon sold in a perfectly spherical, aggressively frustrating bottle.

Aging Rob Halford Hell Bent for Sweatpants

Posted on by Cory Cousins

PARADISE VALLEY, Ariz. — A seasoned and fatigued Rob Halford admitted today that after nearly five decades of donning inflexible studded leather outfits, he is now “hell bent” for some stretchy, cotton sweatpants.

“It’s not that I don’t love my dear, leather wardrobe I’ve worn all of these years with Priest,” a particularly bloated Halford said. “It’s just difficult to put these constrictive leather trousers on and still be expected to breathe, let alone run around a stage and belt out some high notes. I realize all of my wonderful fans expect me to be the guy from their concert posters at all times, but I’m just asking for a bit of bloody empathy here.”

Oliver Chapman, webmaster of the premier Judas Priest fan site Screaming4Leather.net, could not hold back his foaming dissatisfaction.

“The true fans of Judas Priest — myself and my internet friend, Colin — are highly disappointed in Rob’s decision to go full couch potato while lounging privately in his house,” decreed the Judas Priest nerd. “All we ask, as loyal fans, is that he wear spiked studded leather at all times… even while sleeping in what I can only assume is a black coffin with Harley Davidson exhaust pipes on the side.”

Famed Judas Priest lead guitarist Glenn Tipton tried to empathize.

“Look, Rob has been my mate and all for the past 40-plus years, so I can tell you that sometimes he takes things a little too seriously. I mean, that’s part of why I love the bloke — he really dives into his work,” admitted Tipton. “It’s a big reason why Priest survived all of these years; the man deserves some comfort. There was a five year stretch where he wore leather socks, and they smelled like death warmed over. I really don’t think the fans are going to be taking the piss if they see him at the grocer’s in a pair of joggers.”

Following a deluge of encouraging words from fans and friends, Halford was seen gleefully perusing the adult onesie and pajama/romper aisles at a local Target.

GOP Loosen Stance on Dead People Voting in 2020

Posted on by Kaitlyn Jeffers

WASHINGTON — The Republican Party has loosened its stance on voter suppression and ballot security ahead of this year’s general election after the U.S. surpassed 145,000 dead as the result of COVID-19.

“Republicans are under attack from a disease concocted by the Democrats to more effectively kill off our base support,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Millions of hard-working Americans have lost their jobs, and therefore, lost the health care they relied on. People are dying before they will have the chance to elect a President that can make abortions illegal, and that’s unacceptable. That’s why I’m introducing a bill that will allow every registered Republican that has died since 1984 to be allowed to vote in order to make things right.”

Local pro-life, anti-mask, pro-Second Amendment and anti-Black Lives Matter activist Dale Olrich was mounting a one-man protest at the entrance of his local Kroger.

“Thomas Jefferson said, right when he was signing the Declaration of Independence, that he would not be beholden to any libtards who want to make him look like a goddamn Mortal Kombat character,” yelled Olrich as a Kroger employee attempted to hand him a paper mask. “It is our right as Americans to not take precautions against the spread of disease during a pandemic. And if some people die and become ghosts fighting for that right, then those patriotic ghosts deserve to vote.”

Attorney General William Barr plans to tell lawmakers next week that the current guidelines against dead people voting should exempt any ghosts, apparitions, or surrogates voting on behalf of deceased relatives that spoke to them in a dream or through a spiritual medium.

“I have acted on my own, and this is in no way politically motivated: it is clear that dead people love Donald Trump, because he helped deliver a lot of them to the afterlife a lot sooner than they expected,” said Barr. “The Department of Justice has a responsibility to allow any American, alive or dead, to vote Republican. We have already installed voting booths in historic graveyards and haunted mansions across the midwest.”

The Republican Party also sought to reserve the right to go back on their stance in the event that the “dead person” vote pushes the election in favor of Democratic candidate Joe Biden.

The Only Thing That Stops a Bad Guy With a Gun Is His Union Rep Telling Him to Take a Paid Leave Until All This Blows Over

Posted on by James Knapp

As a police union representative, let me say this in plain English for all you darn snowflakes trying to defund the police: We Need Cops! I’m sick of hearing all these anti-gun, anti-police liberals making a whole big fuss about a teensy handful of unprovoked murders.

These cops are just doing their job. Are there a few bad apples here and there? Sure. But we have a foolproof way to handle those few. We give them a nice, paid vacation so that they can think about what they’ve done while everyone else forgets that anything ever happened. Problem solved!

That’s the cold, hard truth right there. What else would you propose to do? Waste my tax dollars on unarmed emergency response professionals to handle situations without firing a machine gun indiscriminately into a crowd. How will we ever crackdown on this country’s scourge of loiterers and black pedestrians that way? We may as well live in anarchist Russia, you damn hippies.

Clearly, the only solution is to give these cops the time and money they need to work on themselves. I took the same approach with my own son after I found out he was torturing stray cats in the basement. Since I pulled him out of school and raised his allowance he hasn’t strangled a single kitten to death that I’m aware of.

Okay, he did later blow up my tool shed with a homemade pipe bomb, but I’m sure once I buy him a new car and send him on spring break in Cancun that will sort itself out as well.

So if you really want to stop these so-called “bad guys” then maybe you should put a little more faith in our time tested institutions and accept that sometimes serving and protecting is going to require some random killings. But who are we kidding, you’re gonna forget all about this the next time the President tweets something goofy or farts during a press conference. Just let the cops enjoy their homicide-cation before getting back to what they do best. I’m sure they’ll learn their lesson this time.

Petrified Straight Edge Man Wakes up to Realization He Broke Edge Last Night While Blackout Drunk

Posted on by Rick Homuth

CHICAGO — Local straight edge man Rodney Palmer woke up mortified this morning after realizing he’d broken edge while blackout drunk the night before, sources confused by the entire situation report.

“Ah, fuck me. Not again. Fucking fuck,” said Palmer, pacing back and forth in his bedroom and frantically chain-smoking. “The guys know I’m straight edge, and they dragged me out for a few drinks after band practice… even though I knew it was a bad idea. People don’t understand: this straight edge shit is my life. I wouldn’t have all the T-shirts and tattoos if I wasn’t totally committed. I totally lost control after only, like, three beers! What a fucking joke.”

Palmer’s fellow band members in straight edge hardcore band CleanxConscience admitted their tacit involvement, but did not hold back their disapproval.

“Ok, listen. Palmy and I have been boys since day one — since we took ‘the vow’ together after stealing some vodka from his ma’s liquor cabinet,” said Emilio Marti, bassist. “And, sure, maybe last night I bought an extra Jager Bomb for the table because I knew he couldn’t resist. But you gotta be able to control yourself after a few drinks when you’re doing this shit ‘til death. And look what happened!”

However, witnesses claimed that isn’t the whole truth.

“Those Chicago Wolf Pack kids come in, I’d say, two or three times a week,” said Doug Larme, owner of local bar Larme’s Way. “Usually they just drink a few boilermakers, pocket my Magnum Sharpies, and complain that the TouchTunes doesn’t have any Bridge Nine stuff. But last night… hoo, boy. That one kid went hard. Those big Xs he had on the back of his hands were nearly gone by the end of the night because he was wiping so much beer from his lips. Plus, he forgot all the lyrics to that ‘Revenge’ song they always shout out when they get that liquored up.”

Unfortunately, Palmer has reportedly been ousted as drummer for ClearxConscience, and Marti is allegedly recommending an acquaintance he knew from the methadone clinic as a replacement.

Zork Remaster Improves Player’s Imagination

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — The classic text adventure Zork has been updated for a new generation, with totally overhauled whimsy to stimulate player imagination.

“It’s kinda hard to describe the improvements they made,” said one Zork fan. “What it reminds me of is the first time you hold your child, and you realize that you have never felt so much unconditional love in your life, and through that love, anything is possible. Yeah, I’d say it’s a lot like that.”

The developers of Zork Remaster, Flathead Interactive, have preserved the authentic text adventure gameplay by not adding any graphics, music or a map. Months of development crunch were instead dedicated to enhancing childlike wonder per second and benchmarking wanderlust generation. Longtime fans can also now choose from three different fonts, and use up to 30 new adverbs that will not be spoiled here.

“I’d like to say all this was my idea, but what got me turned onto this project was a mysterious voice that no one else in my family could hear,” said Flathead Interactive founder Bruce Anderson when asked what motivated the remaster. “It sounded so soft, and so real. The voice told me that Zork had a lot of brand appeal online, and read to me a design document as I laid awake in bed.” 

Anderson then turned from reporters interviewing him, nodding as if he were listening to someone, and said, “You’re right, I never give myself enough credit.”

Zork Remaster has proven to be a smash hit amongst gamers, selling millions of copies within the first week and maintaining the highest number of concurrent players on Steam. Reviews have also been universally positive.

“The immersion doesn’t end with the game, if you can call it a game,” says Richard Woods of IGN. “I see visions of the Great Underground Empire when I sleep, or perhaps that’s me finally awakening to my true form? I can see it all, the little white house, the glow of my sword when danger is nearby, the hordes of treasure just waiting to be taken. Everyday, the constraints of my job and home feel more like the fiction, a constraint placed on me that I need only to burst free from.”

To celebrate the successful launch, Zork Remaster will be completely free to download all of next week. “We want as many people as possible to experience the magic,” Anderson said. “We wouldn’t want anyone left behind.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Anti-Video Game Senator Caught Blowing Nintendo Cartridge in Airport Bathroom

Posted on by Brandon Puff

NEW YORK CITY —  Notorious anti-video game Senator Bob Sandleson was found this weekend blowing a video game cartridge inside a bathroom stall in JFK airport yesterday.

“I went in there, and as soon as I sat down I heard the guy in the stall next to me huffing and puffing,” said security guard Jeff Bowman, who discovered the scene during a break. “I didn’t know what was going on except that I was sure it sounded inappropriate. Then I heard him yell an obscenity and a copy of Super Mario Bros dropped on my foot. You see kids and addicts doing this kind of stuff in here, but I never expected it to be such a vocally anti-gaming Republican Senator. I asked him if he wanted the cartridge that he dropped back and he just yelled something about not being a gamer and ran out.”

When news of the incident became public, the senator held a press conference to address the allegations while taking excessive sips of water.

“I am not a gamer, I have never been a gamer.” said the senator while dabbing sweat from his forehead. I found that copy of Super Mario Bros on the floor of the restroom. Once I realized it was a video game I started hyperventilating because I know how dangerous those damn things can be. I tried snapping it in my hands right then and there but it slipped and I dropped it on the floor. I left the bathroom once I saw a security officer had picked it up, and I thought I could trust him to dispose of it, instead he spread baseless rumors. We need to focus on the real problem here, and that is the threat of video games corrupting the youth.”

Shortly after the press conference concluded, pictures of the senator playing Pokémon Blue with Jeffrey Epstein via a link cable surfaced. The senator refused to comment on them.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Man With “The Views I Express Are My Own” in Bio Just Wants to Ask You a Question

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

CARMEL, Ind. — Used car salesman and Turning Point USA volunteer Jeremy “J-Man” Johnson confronted an elementary school teacher on Facebook today that resulted in a 30-day ban from the social network, irate amateur First Amendment scholars confirmed.

“I just wanted to know if this so-called ‘teacher’ would let George Soros substitute-teach in her classroom. Why wouldn’t she answer me? It’s probably because she knows his pedo-ring would swallow those kids whole and she’d never see them again,” said Johnson. “This nation is crumbling because pansexual 5G feminist immigrants who can’t use the right bathrooms are ruining the nuclear family and our economy! That said, I do need to make it clear these beliefs are most definitely mine, and do not reflect those of my employer in any way.”

Johnson’s former client Hillary Millard apologized after she was tagged in a comment during the fight.

“I guess the guy I bought a car from in October thought I would have his back in some fight with an elementary school choir teacher about the communist roots of her bake sale,” she stated bewilderedly. “I’m sorry if anybody thought I was on this dude’s side. Most teachers have to buy their own supplies, so I didn’t see the problem about an online fundraiser for masks and gloves. I’m also not sure why he kept asking where all the ghosts have gone, or why the CIA is researching ectoplasm.”

Dr. Jamie Kizer, a social media specialist and professor of etiquette at the University of Wisconsin, offered some advice on how to deal with individuals like Johnson.

“You should steer clear of absolutely anyone with a profile picture that is a selfie shot using their forward-facing camera that is impossibly blurry, and who feels the need to remind people that they will be expressing their opinions often,” said Kizer. “This is the kind of person who will kill your dog and claim it proves the kids at Sandy Hook were crisis actors. No matter what they want, do not engage — it only feeds them further and makes them more delusional.”

When Johnson’s employer, Johnson Family Auto Sales, was reached for comment, Jeremy’s father Waylon said, “Goddammit, Jeremy. Not this shit again,” and hung up.

Legendary “Field Of Dreams” Now Just Mass Grave for COVID Deaths

Posted on by Ryan Danley

DYERSVILLE, Iowa — The magical “Field of Dreams” that once hosted the ghosts of baseball greats like “Shoeless” Joe Jackson and Mel Ott has been transformed into a mass, unmarked grave for the small town’s many COVID-19 fatalities.

“After we filled the cemetery, we unfortunately had to start digging up that mystical baseball field. Sure, we could’ve avoided all this by simply wearing masks, but this is America. Don’t tread on me, pal,” said Dyersville Mayor Chuck Hamilton. “But now in addition to the dead ball players, the spirits of everyone who has been buried in the field keeps showing up, too… which has made games nearly impossible to play. Apparently, ghost Richie Ashburn sprained his ankle after he tripped over a fresh corpse.”

While the impromptu gravesite has solved a community problem, recent additions to the “Field of Dreams” aren’t very happy.

“I assumed after being a devout Catholic my whole life, I’d be rewarded with eternal paradise. But after I died I was instead handed a glove, told I was batting sixth, and pushed out to right field,” said newly recruited ghost outfielder Davey Anderson. “At first I thought it was cool to play baseball in the afterlife. But it’s like, all we do, nonstop. And this game is so goddamn boring. Can’t we throw around a football once in a while? I’m realizing I’m definitely in hell.”

While players are struggling with the idea of spending an eternity arguing about who gets to play shortstop, President of Posthumous Baseball Scouting Terry Linn sees an untapped talent pool.

“Thanks to all the new bodies buried here, we’ve had some great baseball over the past three months. But the recent outbreak of COVID among current MLB players could really open things up for us,” said an excited Linn. “I’m really hoping Aaron Judge or Mike Trout contract this horrible, deadly respiratory illness so they can come play for us. They would really help fill out our lineups — we need a winning season.”

When reached for comment, original builder of the “Field of Dreams” Ray Kinsella was too busy arguing with his ghost father about Pete Rose’s Hall Of Fame eligibility to respond.

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