Opinion: I Think That- No Sorry, You Go Ahead

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Can you guys hear me ok? What’s that? I can see your faces but can’t hear anything. Can you guys hear me? Tim’s nodding so I think that’s a yes. Ok, Debra’s nodding now too, good. Beth, can you hear me? I see that elliptical behind you Beth, no shame. Lord knows I’ve been skipping leg day lately. Ope, someone just DM’d me, hold on. Beth says there’s a “join audio” button but I’m not seeing it. Bottom-left corner? Oh wait, there it is!

Great! Sorry about that, gang. It wouldn’t be our Monday morning zoom meeting without a couple of tech hiccups. How’s everyone doing? I do have some important info to share before we get rolling. Let me preface it by saying that I think that… no sorry Tim, you go ahead.

No just… Whoops talked over you again. Go ahead, Tim. Tim? Okay, maybe Tim cut out I’m just gonna… Oh, sorry ok Tim yeah go ahead.

No Tim, I’m not sure when we’ll be back in the office. Frankly I’m not sure if we’ll ever be back the way things have been going lately. I personally haven’t seen another human being who isn’t the Uber eats guy or my wife since March but you know what?

I’m kind of fine with it, which is scary to think about but I won’t dwell on it now. Besides, it doesn’t seem like you’re strapped for human interaction, Tim. Yep, I saw those pictures on Facebook of you and your wife at that maskless indoor party from the other day. Not an accusation, just an observation. Let me know if you ever want to spend an evening spitting on each other sometime.

Sorry, I’m getting off-topic. I was going to say that- no-no, go ahead Debra. What’s that? I thought I heard you say something. It’s a little choppy on my end, Debra. Is Debra choppy for anyone else? Well of course it’s choppy for you Tim, you have COVID. Kidding! I’m kidding…obviously…

Beth, is Debra choppy for you too? Wait, where did Beth go? Guys, you can’t just leave the call whenever you want. Or, I guess you can. It’s a rule I only enforce because these zoom meetings are the one thing I feel like I have any semblance of control over anymore in this new nightmare world we live in. Hey, Beth’s back!

Okay, so I just wanted to let you all… shit did I get booted? Hello? Can you guys hear me? Wave your hands if you can hear… Oh sorry, Beth didn’t mean to cut you off I think I was lagging. No Beth you fin… okay yeah no you finish talking. Oh, you’re done? Wait did she freeze?

Okay, I saw her move, nobody say anything okay? Okay.

Alright, so what I was going to say is that unfortunately, we’ve all been laid off. Yup, the company was hemorrhaging money because of all this, and it was either CEO’s raise or the entire midwest division. On the bright side, everyone is invited to stick around and watch me make some Molotov cocktails. Everyone except Tim actually, because dude you definitely have COVID.

Punk Shark Rips Sleeves off Diver’s Wetsuit

Posted on by Zac Lux

IMPERIAL BEACH, Calif. — A punk shark known to terrorize beachgoers attacked a scuba diver by ripping the sleeves off his wetsuit earlier today, Coast Guard officials confirmed.

“It came outta nowhere,” said Derek Frasier, who was visiting from Houston with his family. “It looked scarier than most sharks because it had these gnarly tattoos and a nose piercing — I’m pretty sure he was all jacked up on malt liquor, too. All I heard was, ‘Nice wetsuit, poser!’ and I was getting tugged and pulled in all these different directions. Before I could even process what happened, the shark was gone, and my $650 boutique wetsuit was two sleeves down. Devastating.”

The divemaster of the local scuba shop claimed she always includes a warning to divers during the pre-dive briefing.

“It’s one of the most important parts of the safety briefing,” said lead dive master and certified PADI instructor Coco Blanc. “I make sure every diver I’m taking out is well aware of how their gear operates, talk them through proper safety-stops for decompression, and give them a brief summary of Rollins-era Black Flag and suggest they wear something that doesn’t make them look like a tool — there are some rough fish out there, and they can sniff out a poser from a quarter-mile away. We even equip our divers’ weight belts with tallboys of PBR that they can deploy as a trust mechanism for any sea creatures that may want to rough ‘em up.”

This isn’t the first time this particular shark was seen defending their local scene.

“Yeah, every once in a while, you get some asshole who thinks they’re hot shit doggy-paddling around, scoping out sea turtles or some bullshit,” said Slug, a great white shark and scene veteran while eating a pack of cigarettes. “If we start letting posers in here, the next thing you know, this entire beach will be filled with boogie boarders, knocked down and turned into luxury condos or some shit. Not here. Not in my ocean, bud.”

At press time, the neighboring cephalopods were too busy setting up the drum set and shell merch table to comment.

Gamer Builds PC That Should Be Upgradeable All the Way Through Midlife Crisis

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — Estimating that his components could continue providing decent performance even several years in the future when he realizes that his best years are behind him, local PC enthusiast Robert Moeschl announced to worried sources that he’d built a new PC that should be upgradeable all the way through his midlife crisis.

“This CPU and GPU combo alone should hold me for the next four or five years at least,” said Moeschl, 27, while doing some mental math to estimate when his mortality will really start to sink in. “Unlike my body, which will really start to rapidly degrade in the next few years unless I start forming good diet and exercise habits, this baby is totally future-proofed. At most, I might need to get some more RAM or another SSD later on.”

Moeschl’s friends say that while his PC is impressive, they’re concerned about how he plans to spend the next few years.

“It’s a cool computer, for sure, but I think Robert’s gotta be careful about how he spends his time from now on,” said Moeschl’s old roommate, Tyler Green. “He hasn’t had a steady girlfriend in years, and the clock’s ticking. Gaming in 4K and 120Hz is great and all, but I hope he invests as much into his love life as he did into that motherboard.”

Moeschl told sources that, when the time finally comes to open his case back up and start swapping out parts, he’ll probably also remove all of the flashy RGB components that are currently installed as well, since those are “a younger man’s game.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

New Version of Batman Screams Constantly to Navigate in the Dark

Posted on by Brandon Puff

BURBANK, Calif. — DC Comics has announced the newest iteration of Batman, who will navigate through the cold, dark streets of Gotham by screaming continuously.

“We want to portray Batman as the primal force of justice that he is,” said lead writer Jason Maxwell. “We were able to accomplish this new design goal by having Batman use hyper-realistic bat abilities, including echolocation.” Jason Maxwell then screeched at high volume to demonstrate exactly what readers could expect from the new Batman.

Some fans have raised concerns over this new design, fearing that if Batman screams all the time it might take away from the dark and brooding monologues the character is known for.

Maxwell addressed these concerns just as soon as he finished several minutes of screeching.

“We understand that a Batman who is always screaming at high volumes is not a character that everyone will enjoy. We also want to assure the fans that despite the changes we are making, the character will still maintain the core values of who he is. Batman is still going to fight for truth and justice, he will just be yelling at all times while he does it. Like, never not yelling.”

Despite these attempts at calming fans, there were many who still wanted their beloved non-screaming Batman to make a return. One such fan donned a Batsuit and then uploaded a video bashing the choices made by Maxwell and DC Comics.

“This is the worst thing to happen to Batman since his parents were killed. Maxwell and DC are taking this character and running him into the ground,” said Batmanfan99, age 35, while his parents were heard arguing in the background. “Batman is meant to dress up like a bat and fight crime with his bare hands and a ton of super cool gadgets and custom armored vehicles, plain and simple. Making the character scream while he does it is just ridiculous.”

In a follow-up blog post after the announcement, Maxwell revealed that this new version of Batman would also fight Gotham’s pest problem by consuming upwards of three thousand insects per night while on patrol.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Furious Wes Anderson Punches Drywall After Getting Outbid on eBay for Vintage $16k Dollhouse

Posted on by John Danek

PARIS — Auteur director Wes Anderson reportedly punched a hole into the drywall of his penthouse apartment last night after getting outbid on a Victorian-era dollhouse, frightened cleaning staff reported.

“God fucking damnit! Outbid? Who did it? You cocksucker! You’re really going to pay 16 and a half large for some dusty old dollhouse? You don’t deserve to have that money to begin with!” Anderson reportedly shouted at his anonymous auction opponent before throwing his bare fist through a mauve wallpapered wall. “Bro, can you even appreciate the craftsmanship of a Mancunian artisan circa 1890? I doubt it, dickweed. I’m so fuckin’ tilted right now.”

Frequent collaborators with Anderson admit that, despite his works’ twee sense of delicate intention, the director’s behavior is much more akin to an angry high school sophomore.

“I remember once on the set of ‘The Life Aquatic’ when craft services ran out of Mountain Dew Code Red, and he flipped the entire table of vegetables and donuts in a rage,” recounted actor Willem Dafoe. “He then shut himself in his trailer and blasted Godsmack while shadowboxing. He has the worst taste in music, and producers always have to beg him to fill his soundtracks with ‘60s mod and folk songs instead of nü-metal. He even tries to get actors into character for dramatic scenes by making them listen to Limp Bizkit’s ‘Boiler’ with him. When it comes to his movies, I’m just in it for the paycheck.”

Film theorist Dr. Ingrid Williamson claimed that directors’ works are not always a reflection of their personalities.

“People assume directors like Wes Anderson are sensitive, thoughtful creators because their films contain intricate beauty,” explained Dr. Williamson, who teaches auteur theory classes at Bates College. “But often, these movies are created despite their directors personal tendencies. Wes, in particular, is such a fucking bro — he routinely holds up production just so he can get one more match in on ‘Call of Duty.’’”

Anonymous sources also confirmed that Anderson’s upcoming film “The French Dispatch” is delayed indefinitely after he reportedly gave star Timothee Chalamet a severe noogie for declining an invitation to ride dirt bikes sometime.

“Stepdad Wall” in Portland Alright if You Call It “Steve Wall”

Posted on by Cory Cousins

PORTLAND, Ore. — “Mom Walls” and “Dad Walls” barricading themselves in front of local law enforcement and federal agents have now accepted the “Stepdad Wall” at BLM protests, which is cool with you calling it the “Steve Wall” if you like, sources happy with whatever makes you most comfortable report.

“We’re just happy to be here in support of racial justice,” said PortlandStepdads4RacialEquality.net webmaster and Stepdad Wall spokesperson Steve McAllister. “We’re not here to get in between the Mom Wall and the Dad Wall — they’ve been totally upfront about their intentions from the start. But we have to say, the Dad Wall seems to be pretty boozy and has a lot of excuses for not coming to weekly meetings, but who are we to judge?”

Despite the Stepdad Wall’s intentions, protesters grew incensed when they realized the Stepdad Wall might be encroaching on the Dad Wall’s territory.

“You know what? Fuck the Steve Wall!’ exclaimed local protester Fern Maitlan. “The Steve Wall thinks it can just jump right in, and it’s gonna ruin everything the Mom Wall and the Dad Wall fought for the last three months. I guess I have no say in this relationship, per usual. Whatever. The Steve Wall will never be a real Dad Wall; I don’t care how cool it thinks it is.”

Dodging a less-lethal round, Mom Wall organizer Florence Brown encouraged protestors to keep an open mind about the Steve Wall.

“The Steve Wall really stepped up to the plate when we needed it, and that’s more than I can say about the Dad Wall,” said Brown. “The Steve Wall put itself in front of cops and federal agents more than the Dad Wall ever did, even when the Dad Wall only needed to show up for a couple of hours every other weekend. Plus, the Steve Wall is much better at oral.”

Following the protest, the Steve Wall insisted that protesters clean up the garbage fires lit during the demonstration, but was undermined by the Dad Wall, who claimed that the Steve Wall was “overreacting.”

The Government Can’t Tell Me What to Do. That’s the Church’s Job

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

If there’s one thing I’m sick of, it’s these out-of-touch bureaucrats in Washington telling me how to live my life. As far as I’m concerned, it ain’t the government’s place to tell me how many guns I can own or how many people I can be married to at once. That’s for the church to decide.

I live a simple life with no need for any kind of outside intervention. I go to work, pay the taxes I see fit, and come home to my undisclosed number of wives that my church has deemed acceptable. No elected or appointed body should be able to tell me where I can bury my waste or where to put my pecker when it’s happy. The only boss of my weiner is Jesus.

Sure, I’ve had numerous people die on my property for what the state would deem “egregious safety violations.” But pastor Mark Tuttlebaum would assure me that untimely deaths are simply an express ticket to God’s Kingdom of Glory.

In a way, I almost envy my sons Jeremy and Boynton, and my daughters Penelope and Eunis, for they now rest in the lap of the Lord, far away from the cloying Oklahoma authorities and their pesky “investigations” for “extreme neglect.” Well if the state is so smart, why did they grant me partial custody

The only mask I plan on wearing is one of tolerance whenever I’m forced to interact with someone who is gay or Jewish, thank you very much.

Don’t get me wrong, the government has some purpose. I believe we need strong police and military for the purpose of punishing sinners. Every member of the police, military, and mall security should act as an extrajudicial force, ignoring any pesky amendments in order to hand out righteous punishment upon the wicked and vegans. If you have nothing to hide from the Lord, then a cop should be able to walk into your house whenever he wants.

Some will call my beliefs extreme, and that an ideal government protects the welfare of its citizens, whether it be from an accident, crime, or destructive circumstances of poverty. But if there aren’t always fires burning, why is the fire department always open? Checkmate, Chairman Bernie Sanders.

It’s about time we had a major change in this country. And if you don’t like the elaborate restructuring I deem necessary for this country to be acceptable, then you can get the h*ck out!

Ted Nugent Demands Biden Campaign Stop Playing “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” at Events

Posted on by Eli Johnson

JACKSON, Mich. — Rock‘n’roll legend Ted Nugent blasted Presidential candidate Joe Biden in an open letter today after the presumptive Democratic nominee played Nugent’s classic song “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” at yet another fundraiser.

“The Democratic Party is the antithesis of everything my music stands for,” wrote the artist known as the “Motor City Madman” to his “Nuge Letters” mailing list. “Did they take even a moment to reflect on the meaning of the lyrics? I find it decidedly ironic that the political party dedicated to firearm confiscation, wealth redistribution, and political correctness would appropriate a song about personal freedom, fundamental human liberties, and prowling for young cooze.”

The song is the second track off Nugent’s 1977 multi-platinum album “Cat Scratch Fever,” which the Biden camp has adopted as an unofficial anthem of sorts to energize donors at a number of Zoom events in recent weeks.

“Let me be clear: at no time did I give permission to Mr. Biden, or any member of the Democratic Party, to pilfer my catalogue — not ‘Wango Tango,’ not ‘Stormtroopin’,’ not ‘Jailbait,’ none of it,” confirmed the hard rock pioneer and NRA board member. “As an outspoken political activist, I pride myself in being a staunch advocate for civil liberties — which I know has put me at odds with the music industry, societal norms, and age of consent laws. I will not stand for this.”

The Biden campaign was noncommittal when asked if it would honor Nugent’s wishes.

“The Nuge has left an indelible impact on this nation’s cultural canon,” said campaign manager Jen O’Malley Dillon. “Though we don’t see eye-to-eye on every issue, we appreciate his candor and respect his right as an American to make his voice heard.”

When asked if Nugent would endorse a candidate before November, he would only say that he is still undecided.

Guy Who Peaked During Tutorial Never Moves Out of Pallet Town

Posted on by Hunter R. Thompson

KANTO — Local would-be Pokémon trainer Bobby, despite completing his initial training, receiving a Pokédex, and being fully prepared to battle across the Kanto region and beyond, has instead accepted that he’s reached his peak potential and decided to live out his post-educatory life in Pallet Town, population 9, sources say.

“Why would I want to go anywhere else?” Bobby asked, declining the opportunity to wade into the tall grass ten feet beyond his home and confront the challenge and excitement of a life well-lived. “Two weeks ago, that battle in [Professor Oak]’s lab, when I got that battle-winning crit against Gary’s Bulbasaur, man? I felt alive. There’s nothing out there that interests me after tasting that single victory. I’m content to just stay here and grow old reliving my glory day.”

Locals close to Bobby have tried and failed to coax him into leaving, and are concerned that he is squandering the greatest years of his life.

“Yeah, I’ve been keeping an eye on that kid for a while,” a local elderly resident and Pokéball enthusiast said at a recent Pallet Town council meeting. “Seemed like he and Gary were destined for greatness, to treat one another like friends and rivals, encouraging one another to become stronger to overcome any and all challenges as they conquered the region together. Now he just gets sloshed on super potions in the town square every weeknight, blasting Creed and chanting, ‘Let’s hear it for the hometown!’ until he passes out.”

Other children who have already left Pallet Town are disappointed to hear of Bobby’s failure.

“I’ve been out of Pallet Town for months now,” commented Bobby’s would-be rival Gary Oak during an interview in Celadon City after collecting his fourth gym badge. “I’ve put Gramp’s training to good use, and I’ve already developed skills I could never have learned back home, but god damn, Bobby won’t leave me alone. He keeps calling to tell me how happy he is for me, and then he calls me again two hours later calling me a sell-out traitor for leaving him, and then calls asking for money and drugs?”

“There literally aren’t stores in Pallet Town,” he continued. “There are three buildings and a rose garden. Where is he spending it all, even?”

At press time, after alienating all 8 of his neighbors, sources have confirmed that Bobby is now trying to recruit his level-6 Squirtle, Rudeboy, into his multi-level marketing scheme.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

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