Black Woman’s Phone Storage Now 86% Messages from White Friends

Posted on by Malcolm Whitfield

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local marketing associate and Black person Imani Phillips found yesterday that her iPhone X’s storage is almost entirely full of overly supportive messages from well-meaning white colleagues.

“I guess I understand that white guilt is a thing, but this is actually messing with my life,” reported Phillips, whose phone has been on “Do Not Disturb” for the last three weeks. “They all say something like, ‘Hope you’re OK in these trying times,’ or ‘Stay safe, I’m here for you.’ I just got one from my boss from like, two jobs ago, saying, ‘Your soul is valid.’ I don’t even know what that means. I keep deleting pictures and apps, but my messages just fill back up the same day. It’s almost worse than them saying nothing — at least then I could download a movie on Netflix or something.”

While at first the messages came from close friends, the check-ins are reportedly now coming from “total randos” and people she barely remembers.

“It’s been hard for me to turn on the news and not think of Imani, and how she must be feeling these days. I figured just a ‘Thinking of you’ text would let her know I’m in her corner,” said Brennan Mulrooney, saved in Phillips’ phone as “Brandon Tinder.” “I mean, I haven’t seen her in a year or so, but I’d check in on any of the Blacks I know. Or, wait — People of Color, right? Black People of Color. Look, I’m a nice guy.”

Ongoing reports show Phillips is not alone, as Black people all over the country noted an overwhelming amount of misdirected encouragement causing problems on their Android and iOS devices.

“This is truly an issue unlike anything I’ve ever seen,” admitted Samir Shadi, a customer service representative at Apple. “In the last month, the majority of the calls I’m taking are how to mute messages from specifically white people, which of course isn’t an option. I keep recommending people add more storage to their device, but apparently two terabytes aren’t enough to contain the sheer volume of these texts coming in.”

Phillips has since changed her phone number, redirecting the line to an automated message stating that she is “touched by your bravery and compassion as a white ally.” “This is just easier,” Phillips said. “This way, everyone gets what they want.”

Opinion: The Filter of My Pall Mall 100 Is More Effective Than Any Face Mask

Posted on by Dan Rice

I’m tired of catching shit for not “doing my part” just because I do things differently. Now that the government has given up on fighting coronavirus it’s up to us, I get that. That’s why I switched to Pall Mall Red 100’s bro.

Look at this filter. Look at it! That’s a solid inch of cotton and fiberglass or whatever the fuck. Now look at your dumb ass mask. Look at how thin that shit is dude. Now who’s being “irresponsible and reckless?”

Yeah, that’s a real clean looking mask you got there. Know why it’s clean? Because it’s not doing its fucking job yo! Check this out, look at how brown this filter gets. Look at all the shit this thing filters out! And that’s just from breathing through it for two minutes!

Hey, we all need to make sacrifices right now. I hate this fucking thing. It pulls like shit, it’s not satisfying and I’m pretty sure that I’m losing a certain percentage of the nicotine I paid for. But we’re all #strongertogether or whatever the fuck so you won’t catch me without a smoke in my mouth for the next six months or so.

Maybe instead of asking me why I’m not wearing my dumb ass mask at the grocery store, you should be asking why this dumb ass grocery store won’t let me smoke my protective cigarette. Seriously yo, people used to smoke in the store all the time back in the ‘60s and NO ONE had coronavirus.

I honestly don’t understand why you dumb fucks think those masks are so healthy in the first place. I tried smoking one and I coughed for like an hour yo.

Punk Band More of a Punk DnD Group Now

Posted on by Pete GK

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk band Bait and Snitch admitted today that they are really now more of a punk Dungeons and Dragons group now after being unable to play any live shows for the past three months.

“When all the venues shut down and we couldn’t play anymore, we were totally bummed. We were just starting to get booked on more shows and hoped to tour for the first time this year,” said Bait And Snitch frontwoman Leah “Mac Attack” McDonnell while painting a new miniature of her character. “Our guitarist never shuts the fuck up about DnD, so we figured we’d give that a shot over video calls. Turns out it fucking rules. Can’t go outside in real life? Let’s go outside in the game. Can’t play live shows yet? Let’s play the lute in front of a packed tavern in our minds. This has been a real game-changer for us.”

Unfortunately, not all Bait and Snitch members are happy with the change. Bass player and defacto Dungeon Master Billie Wydar has run up against countless obstacles while leading the game.

“I give them a simple mission with clear clues on how to proceed, and instantly they’re stabbing guards and trying to sleep with anything vaguely human,” Wydar explained. “I guess it’s still more fun than practice, though — we usually just played the same Operation Ivy covers for two hours, and then either got drunk or debated if we should all try cocaine. I lost track of time during our last game session, but the sun came up at some point.”

Cultural anthropologist and local punk legend Dr. Ron Masterson noted that this sort of crossover is not that uncommon.

“For many people, when they cannot access a space of comfort first hand, they seek other means of finding that comfort,” Masterson explained over video conference. “Punks spend large amounts of their time in small, damp, dimly lit DIY Venues, and what is a DIY venue but a dungeon? What is a door guy, but a miniboss? What is the exposure they are paid in, but experience points?”

Bait and Snitch may return to playing shows if and when venues open up and they finish their current campaign, titled “Elven Democracy.”

GI Joe Tribunal Refuses Snow Job’s Request for Alias Change

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — An internal tribunal has reached a decision and will not grant GI Joe member Snow Job his requested change of alias to something less sexually suggestive.

“This is a dark day for the GI Joe program,” reflected Snow Job, wearing his signature winter gear while speaking to the press following today’s decision. “While other members of my brigade have gone on to lucrative careers and cult status thanks largely in part to awesome names like Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, I have been saddled with a lousy weather pun that invokes a sex act more than anything cool or heroic . I will be appealing this decision to the fullest extent of my power.”

The decision comes following a public showing of support for Snow Job, who recently began lobbying for the change amid various changes being made to longstanding names of several prominent teams and groups.

“Man, it’s just not fair,” said GI Joe devotee Chris Harris, who was one of over 200,000 people to sign an online petition supporting Snow Job’s request. “My man is a real American hero, but is straight up stuck with a name that is impossible to say without thinking about someone sucking a dick. Like, I’m not even trying to be funny. To saddle him with a name like that is a greater crime than anything Cobra Commander ever did if you ask me.” 

The tribunal, consisting of senior Joe officials Sgt. Slaughter, Flint, Duke, Beach Head, Law, and his dog Order, ruled unanimously to block Snow Job from changing his official alias to his new preferred handle, Iceberg. The decision was reportedly motivated by tradition, among other things. 

“No way that maggot gets to change his handle just ‘cause he doesn’t like it,” said Sgt. Slaughter, shortly after the meeting adjourned so that one of the tribunal members could be let outside. “Not only is it not the way we do things around here, but do you know what it would cost us to replace all the merchandise we’ve already shipped? If he had his way he’d cost us an arm and a leg, and if I had my way I’d rip his stinkin’ head off!” 

As of press time, the latest surprise attack from Cobra brought Sgt. Slaughter’s press conference to a screeching halt.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Movie Trailer Editor Struggling to Create Menacing Rendition of ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — An editor tasked with creating a creepy horror movie trailer is having trouble figuring out how to make “Mary Had A Little Lamb” sound scary.

“I have tried everything and nothing is working,” explained veteran trailer editor Marcia Blum. “I tried using a version sung in a whisper. I tried slowing it down to a dirge. I added vague industrial clanging sounds on every beat that get louder as the scares ramp up. It still just sounds like an innocuous nursery rhyme!” 

The trailer was for a new horror film called Black Shear, which is about a pack of murderous sheep who terrorize a small Scottish town. Following the lead of other popular trailers, the film’s marketing team asked Blum to pull out every trick in the book, from the creepy children’s song to the tagline “Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?”

“When people see this trailer, we want them to have nightmares about it,” said Lionsgate marketing head Damon Wolf. “There is absolutely nothing more terrifying than hearing the song your mother sang to you every night, but like, scary. You’re going to piss your pants the next time you walk into a daycare, just wait and see.”

Unimpressed with Blum’s first cut, Wolf enlisted the help of his nephew Joey to record a “creepy kid” version of the song. The version was ultimately scrapped after test audiences called the rendition “precious.”

“The producers asked me to transpose it into a minor key and have my whole choir sing it,” said Hollywood Youth Choir leader Bethanny Menke, “but have you ever heard a bunch of five-year-olds try to sing ‘Mary Had A Little Lamb’ in the first place? It sounds discordant no matter what. That’s just your average 2nd grade recital.” 

With the marketing efforts at a stalemate, rumors were circulating that the producers might scrap the movie altogether and replace it with a new horror project titled Bingo. Not much is known about the film other than its tagline: “Evil has a new name-o.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Remember Italians From The Sopranos? Well It Turns Out They’re Real and I’m Obsessed

Posted on by Peter Casciato

Like most Americans, I grew up watching “The Sopranos.” My whole family would gather around the TV to see what kind of mob related shenanigans Tony and the gang were getting into that week. I had always assumed that the show was fictional, so I was blown away this week when I learned that Italians are actually real, and I gotta say, I’m kind of obsessed with them.

First and foremost, there’s this country in Europe called Italy, and there are people that live there known as Italians. Mind blown, right? I had no idea. Apparently this country has existed for a really long time. We’re talking, like, hundreds of years. I heard it used to be called Rome, which is just a totally adorable name.

Then, I started to really go down the rabbit hole. In ancient times, there was this one Italian named Galileo who was totally in love with the stars and moons and junk. Which makes sense because he was an Aquarius. And he invented the telescope which is just the best. Learning about ol’ Galileo was particularly shocking as the TV show convinced me Italians were only capable of holding menial labor jobs like brick layer, strip club bouncer, and mob enforcer.

What’s really crazy is that some Italians left Italy, and moved to other places, but they’re still Italians even if they live somewhere else. Thus, how our New Jersey, noodle-loving ne’er-do-wells came to be. Heck, there could be Italians anywhere, even on your street! I just think that’s so brave, and I love them for it.

And despite devouring all six seasons of “The Sopranos,” I mistakenly thought there were only boy Italians. But it turns out there are also girl Italians, which like, yes! And even more shocking, not all Italians have severe panic attacks when they see ducks swimming in their inground pools. Go figure!

Another misconception in the Sopranos is that Italians can only eat gabagool. According to show lore, anything other than fresh gabagool, manahgut, or mutzadell from the old country could potentially kill their kind. But thankfully, this is untrue. Italians can eat people food too, which is just the cutest thing ever! But don’t feed them too much people food at once or they’ll get a tummy ache.

It really just goes to show that not everything you see on TV is Hollywood magic, some of it is real! I had always thought that Italians, like New Jersey, only existed in fantasy, but now I know that they’re real, and I’m so happy they are.

Seven Dead, Six Wounded at Police Officer Surprise Party

Posted on by Tom Peters

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Ofc. Travis McHone opened fire on several guests gathered at his home last night for a surprise party in his honor, leaving seven dead and six more critically wounded.

“What can I say? My training kicked in,” said McHone after emptying his service weapon at a room full of friends and loved ones. “When everyone yelled, ‘SURPRISE!’ I made a split-second threat assessment and decided my only course of action was to pull the trigger and yell, ‘See you in hell, motherfuckers!’ until everything in front of me stopped moving. I mean, what if that cake had a gun baked into it? I wasn’t going to wait around to find out. Plus, all of the party guests were cops, so they really should’ve known better.”

McHone added, “I’m not scared. You’re scared.”

Survivors feel fortunate to have walked away from the party at all.

“It was absolute mayhem,” said Lt. Donna Parlovich. “I jumped out from behind the couch and [McHone] just started blasting. We instinctively returned fire; I didn’t think anyone would make it out alive. You know that last scene from ‘Reservoir Dogs?’ It was just like that. Altogether, ballistics counted 162 spent rounds, although not all of the bullet holes are fresh — McHone’s been known to shoot at the floor when startled by a small mouse who lives in his kitchen. We’ve all been there.”

Experts specializing in controversial police shooting cases weighed in.

“It’s my professional opinion that every officer at the scene acted appropriately,” said Dr. Harold Lewinsky, a police psychologist known for using junk science to help acquit officers accused of unjustified lethal force. “A group of assailants could’ve easily broken into McHone’s home and hung up balloons and streamers as a distraction to catch him off-guard and take his life. I shudder to think what would’ve happened if he’d hesitated for even a second. If it can happen in a McDonald’s drive thru, it can certainly happen in your own home.”

Following the incident, all surviving officers had resigned in protest of the charges brought against McHone.

Opinion: The Government Is Full of Shit Unless They’re Saying I Can Go to the Bar

Posted on by Courtney Baka

Hey there! Why don’t you pony up over here while I order up a round of cold ones and tell you exactly why I don’t trust our bullshit government.

Now, unlike most people I know, I’m a free thinker. When this whole “Corona” business began I couldn’t believe all the people freaking out over this nonsense hype! The government made businesses close, told people to wear masks (umm aka truth muzzles!!!), and claimed handwashing was good. Ha! I am disappointed in all these people following ridiculous rules set by a government that has lied to its people time and time again! At least they said we could go out to bars again. Finally some truth.

Closing businesses and keeping the American people out of work was just another example of big government trying to control the masses. They did the same after 9/11, using legislation and fearmongering to erode our rights. Fortunately, the government finally slipped up and let out some of the real statistics that say it’s okay to toast a Deep Eddy Strawberry Texas Lemonade® with your bestie in a makeshift patio in the Chili’s parking lot.

When the bars first reopened there were a few bits of government propaganda they tried to convince us of. They said bars were a hotbed of so-called “droplet transmission.” Hell, I’m not passing out my spit! Just having some laughs in a very small space with a dozen or so strangers who keep asking me to stop talking to them. Poor, brainwashed souls. If going to a bar is really so dangerous, why would the government allow them to open?

I’d like to thank my lying government for taking one brief moment to be decent folk and allow us to return to our favorite drinking establishments. And no, I absolutely will not put on a mask when I’m talking to you. Now bring me another Deep Eddy Strawberry Texas Lemonade®!

Punk Celebrating With the “Fancy” Instant Ramen

Posted on by Mark Bouchard

SALT LAKE CITY — Barista and local punk Miranda Byers is celebrating her additional shift at Baxter’s Garden today with a splurge purchase of the “fancy” $2.30 instant ramen for dinner, according to sources.

“I spent my stimulus check in like ten minutes and ever since then it’s been tough getting shifts,” said Byers. “Now that I’m scheduled for 24 hours this week I won’t have to try to sell my bone marrow, and I won’t have to decide between buying cat treats or beer, so it’s a win, for sure. This fancy-schmancy ramen comes in its own cup, and costs like, two bucks — which is pretty steep for one packet of ramen — but I’m sparing no costs with this little celebration. I’m eating like a king tonight!”

Byers’ boss Mike Davidson, who owns three “ethical” eating establishments in the area, was puzzled.

“It’s just an extra shift — the most they could possibly be clearing is $80, max. That couldn’t possibly make that much of a difference to their life, could it?” Davidson said. “They went into the back to scream about it in joy on the phone as soon as I told them. I’m happy for them — don’t get me wrong — I just don’t get it.”

However, not everyone in Byers’ life is as excited.

“Yeah, they called me on the phone as soon as they got the news,” said longtime friend Dave Rosenholtz. “I’m happy Miranda will have the extra scratch, but at the same time… I don’t know. Seems kinda braggy or something. I just didn’t know they were making that Shin Black money these days.”

“I guess I’m just like, bitter, if we’re being honest,” Rosenholtz added. “While Miranda’s eating the good shit, I’ll be chowing down on shrimp-flavored Maruchan. Miranda’s a communist, or so they say, so I’m hoping they spread the wealth around and let me get in on the fancy ramen, too. That’s some real primo stuff right there. ”

In another blatant display of wealth, Byers allegedly purchased a five pack of Samyang 2X Spicy ramen on their way home from a double-shift at a coffee shop across town.

Photo by Wikimedia.

Gamer’s Fourth Attempt at Playing Game Ends at Same Spot

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

BISBEE, Ariz. — Despite numerous promises made to friends and himself, gamer Aaron Fernwright’s playthrough of Furi has ended at the same boss for the fourth time.

“Not only have I attempted to beat this boss hundreds of times,” said Fernwright, “but also this is the fourth time that I’ve made hundreds of attempts. At this point, I’m not beating the game, it’s beating me.”

Claiming he needed to “re-familiarize” himself with Furi, Fernwright had deleted one of his previous three saves in order to start from the beginning. Sources close to him report to have seen him beat the first seven bosses at world record pace due to his thorough memorization of their patterns.

“Aaron may be the best Furi player in the world,” said Marcus, Fernwright’s closest friend. “But only for that first fifty percent.”

Leading up to the end of the playthrough, Fernwright posted frequently on Twitter about his appreciation for the game, even going so far as to claim it as one of his “favorites of all time” despite never having seen how it ends. His friends report they were eager to discuss the game with him, but they are opting to wait until he makes any progress whatsoever on the eighth boss before getting their hopes up.

“I’m sure he’ll try a fifth time, and even a sixth time,” Marcus said. “He’ll keep trying forever, but will never make it past The Burst, and every time he fails, he will go back to the beginning and try again. But all is well, I’m sure Aaron is happy, playing the same half of one game for all of eternity.” 

At the time of publication, Fernwright had decided to decompress by starting his eighth Stardew Valley playthrough, which is predicted to be abandoned before he reaches Summer.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: