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The Government Can’t Tell Me What to Do. That’s the Church’s Job

If there’s one thing I’m sick of, it’s these out-of-touch bureaucrats in Washington telling me how to live my life. As far as I’m concerned, it ain’t the government’s place to tell me how many guns I can own or how many people I can be married to at once. That’s for the church to decide.

I live a simple life with no need for any kind of outside intervention. I go to work, pay the taxes I see fit, and come home to my undisclosed number of wives that my church has deemed acceptable. No elected or appointed body should be able to tell me where I can bury my waste or where to put my pecker when it’s happy. The only boss of my weiner is Jesus.

Sure, I’ve had numerous people die on my property for what the state would deem “egregious safety violations.” But pastor Mark Tuttlebaum would assure me that untimely deaths are simply an express ticket to God’s Kingdom of Glory.

In a way, I almost envy my sons Jeremy and Boynton, and my daughters Penelope and Eunis, for they now rest in the lap of the Lord, far away from the cloying Oklahoma authorities and their pesky “investigations” for “extreme neglect.” Well if the state is so smart, why did they grant me partial custody

The only mask I plan on wearing is one of tolerance whenever I’m forced to interact with someone who is gay or Jewish, thank you very much.

Don’t get me wrong, the government has some purpose. I believe we need strong police and military for the purpose of punishing sinners. Every member of the police, military, and mall security should act as an extrajudicial force, ignoring any pesky amendments in order to hand out righteous punishment upon the wicked and vegans. If you have nothing to hide from the Lord, then a cop should be able to walk into your house whenever he wants.

Some will call my beliefs extreme, and that an ideal government protects the welfare of its citizens, whether it be from an accident, crime, or destructive circumstances of poverty. But if there aren’t always fires burning, why is the fire department always open? Checkmate, Chairman Bernie Sanders.

It’s about time we had a major change in this country. And if you don’t like the elaborate restructuring I deem necessary for this country to be acceptable, then you can get the h*ck out!