Right Wing Man Outside Grocery Store Asking Masked Shoppers to Buy Him Beer

Posted on by Tom Peters

WINSTON-SALEM, N.C. — Disgruntled, maskless consumer Rod Shockley was seen outside a local supermarket yesterday asking customers complying with the store’s mandatory mask policy to buy him beer, annoyed sources confirm.

“You’ve got to help me out,” said Shockley, peering out from around a corner. “I told these popular guys I’d bring them some beer, and if I don’t come through, I’m screwed. But I refuse to wear one of those muzzles, because this is America, and it’s my God-given right to die how I please and take as many of you with me as I want. Plus, it’s, like, itchy, and I heard breathing your own carbon monoxide is toxic. Not to mention, if word got out that I was wearing a mask at the grocery store, I’d be the laughing stock of the whole gun range.”

Shoppers were confused by Shockley’s request.

“At first I thought it was another underage kid playing Hey Mister,” said Randall Paon, a local resident who limits his grocery store trips to once per week to reduce exposure. “But this guy must have been over 40, asking me to get him a case of Bud Light metal bottles and some ‘double barrel’ Slim Jims — the kind with the cheese. I asked him why he wouldn’t wear one of the masks provided by the store, and he just screamed, ‘That’s how Nazi Germany started.’ I walked away while he was trying to find the right Hodgetwins video to show me on his phone.”

Store employees have grown increasingly disheartened by the lack of basic consideration for their well-being.

“We’re all scared, and none of us want to be here,” said cashier Stacy Kohdlam. “People call us essential workers and heroes like we’re firefighters or cops, but I didn’t enlist to be a hero… and unlike the police, I’m expected to do my job without killing anyone. I mean, the dude is wearing an American flag bandana on his head. How hard would it be to just pull it down over your face?”

At press time, Shockley was attempting to draw a mask on his face with permanent marker.

Former StarCraft 2 Pro Has Highest Microsoft Excel APM in Office

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN DIEGO — Former StarCraft 2 all-star Sergio Luna reportedly has the highest actions per minute (APM) in Microsoft Excel of any of the data analysts at his office job.

“My micro is insane in Excel, dude. I can vlookup and sort a pivot table in 3 seconds, which is huge, because tabular-formatted pivot tables are ridiculously powerful in the current meta,” Luna said. “It’s crazy how big StarCraft was for a minute, huh? I was a celebrity in South Korea; I thought I was gonna be playing StarCraft for the rest of my life! But you know what? I guess in a way I am — I’ve just translated my skills to a new DLC of sorts, Microsoft Office. So I’m not trying to spread zerg creep all over the map, but I’m spreading correct Number formatting all over the spreadsheet.”

According to those familiar with the situation, other employees at Luna’s job were, at first, confused by Luna’s background.

“When he came in saying he was great at macro, I was really excited. I thought he meant he could code macros in Excel, which would make our jobs so much easier. But he was talking about some video game thing,” said Luna’s cubicle-mate Marissa Carter. “I have to admit, though, he does type really fast. I’m not sure if that’s helpful, but it’s undeniably impressive. I just wish he would stop trying to remotely access my computer to ‘scout’ my work. It’s very annoying.”

“Besides, in this office we go by effective actions per minute,” she added. “None of this baby APM shit.”

Despite other co-workers not understanding Luna’s StarCraft abilities and how they translate to the world of data analysis, Clark Salazar, the company’s office manager who hired Luna, stands by his decision.

“I fucking love StarCraft,” said Salazar. “I used to play every single day for years. Terran. Never left bronze league.”

“When I saw c0Rkscr3w — sorry, Sergio — apply for a job at my company, I was shouting louder than Husky,” Salazar continued. “I knew I had to get him. Can you imagine how insane our productivity would be if we just filled it with former StarCraft pros?! Flash on data entry, Life on reports, IdrA on customer support… we’d take over the world. And the best thing? Almost all of them are available for hire.”

At press time, Luna was seen watching Fortnite at his desk, refreshing a google search for “bugha net worth.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Doxxed Naughty Dog Employee Thankful to Never Be Home

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — A programmer who recently had her personal address leaked online was glad that her employment at Naughty Dog ensures she is rarely there, several exhausted coworkers have confirmed. 

“I wish I could say this surprised me,” said Miranda Keller, a graphics programmer with Naughty Dog. “I’m the third person this month that’s been doxxed. We all just sort of laugh about it, since we’re lucky if we spend two nights a week away from the office. Especially now that our game shipped, there’s just too much risk in going home. Hey, could someone ask the cops if my hamster was doing alright?”

Doxxing is the disturbing practice employed by gamers in recent years in which a tactical response team is sent to someone’s house under falsified threats of violence.

“Yeah, I’m always leery we’re going to bust in on some kid playing on his computer,” said SWAT officer Ted Barker, who took place in the ambush. “But this was some other kind of prank I haven’t seen yet, where we got sent to an abandoned house. Well, mostly abandoned. Some squatters seem to have broken in and cooked food here a few weeks ago. You hate to see it.”

Naughty Dog VP and The Last of Us 2 writer/director Neil Druckmann defended his company’s documented practice of demanding unreasonable work schedules of their employees. 

“I am so happy no one was hurt in this horrible act,” he said. “I shudder to think what may have happened if Miranda worked somewhere where the office culture wasn’t one of shaming those that didn’t constantly work overtime. What if she had been in her home at 10:00PM that fateful Tuesday? Do you see how unsafe leaving the office can be?”

Druckman concluded the press conference by promising to prioritize his employee’s health and safety, and to dock Keller for the time she’d spent from her work day talking to the press. 

Editor’s note: Keller’s hamster did not survive the interaction with police.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Sobbing Eric Trump Chokes Down Seventh Can of Goya Beans

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

WASHINGTON — A broken and sobbing Eric Trump choked down a seventh consecutive can of Goya beans this morning after a week of publicly binging the brand’s products to garner support from his father, President Donald Trump, disgusted witnesses confirmed.

“Daddy said he loves Goya beans more than he loves anything else. Maybe if I became more Goya than boy, he’ll at least love me more than Don Jr.,” said Eric Trump, slowly maneuvering a shaking spoon of wet beans to his trembling lips. “I’ve used all the empty cans to build statues of my dad, but he still doesn’t notice. I’m going to eat 18 cans today so I can use the empties to make a whole minigolf course — then, maybe, he’ll finally play with me.”

Although experts differ on what does or does not garner President Trump’s affection, most medical professionals agree eating more than a handful of beans a day can be hazardous to your health.

“Look, I don’t have a firm number, but just eat, like, a normal amount of beans. If you try to eat a fuckload of beans, your stomach will explode,” said Dr. Kendrick Joh. “Every week, I’m interviewed about how many beans a human can safely eat, or how much bleach they could safely inject, or how long an erection can safely last while watching Ivanka hold a can of beans. Just stop it. If the President says or does something, just do the opposite. You’ll live longer.”

While Trump continues to publicly support Goya beans, he maintains it is just one way to truly support American freedom and democracy.

“Do I love beans? Of course — beans are the best and most musical fruit, and believe me, I’m great at making bean music. Some of the best music you’ve ever heard — very great music,” said President Trump, winging a can of kidney beans at a protestor outside the White House fence. “And that’s the thing: the media is really the true enemy of beans. Everybody says, ‘Oh, beans are fine, beans can take care of themselves,’ but that’s not true, I know that’s not true, because I’m also persecuted just as much as beans. More than beans, probably. More than beans have ever been persecuted in this country is how much I’ve been persecuted, and it’s a big problem.”

At press time, President Trump was telling supporters at a rally that true Americans stuff lit firecrackers up their asses, soon after which a pantsless Eric Trump was seen backstage clumsily lighting six M-80s with his aquafaba-stained hands.

Lady Antebellum Changes Name to Washington Redskins

Posted on by Bibek Gurung

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — The embattled country group formerly known as Lady Antebellum, and more recently Lady A, has finally settled on a new name and will now be called “The Washington Redskins.”

“Not only do we want to put the litigation behind the name Lady A behind us, but we also feel strongly it’s important to be good allies, at least to one ethnic group at a time. And we thought calling ourselves the Washington Redskins made sense for us, since nobody else is using that name anymore and I’m actually part Cherokee,” said singer Hillary Scott, a claim she later admitted was based on family lore rather than DNA evidence or Tribal records. “We think this name change will be a good move for us — I already ran it by my Black friend.”

“Well, not really a friend, but the only Black person on our road crew,” added Scott. “I forget her name.”

Fans were initially disappointed when the group bowed to public pressure and changed their name to Lady A — a name that already belonged to soul musician Anita White — but the same fans fully support the latest change.

“Everyone who demanded the name change does not understand how important heritage is to country music. I mean, it’s almost like having all these Confederate monuments all over the place didn’t really teach them any history,” said Bobbie Gish, a diehard fan from Savannah. “Changing their name to the Washington Redskins proves they aren’t a bunch of cucks. That football team might be dead to me, but this band is more important to me now than ever. Mainly because it pisses off liberals.”

Ownership of the Washington, D.C.-based football team supported the band’s decision as well.

“I hated changing our beautiful name, which was not a slur but merely a tribute to the savages that once roamed this country,” said team owner Dan Snyder. “We’re going to call ourselves something else with a lot of name recognition that no one else will be using: going forward, we will be the Washington Aunt Jemimas.”

The controversy settled, the Washington Redskins are now looking forward to just playing that one song they’re known for at country fairs across the south for years to come.

How Could I Be Privileged When Some of My Best Friends Are Suffering?

Posted on by Dan Rice

Someone told me that I need to “check my privilege” recently, so I did. I checked it, and you know what I found? I’m not as lucky and fortunate as everyone seems to think I am.

People, and by people I mean poors, assume that I live in a bubble because my needs have always been met and I’ve never wanted for anything a day in my life. Well if I live in such a bubble, why have I been surrounded by people in desperate need of the resources I’ve always taken for granted?

I grew up in one of the poorest towns in Connecticut. My Dad made us live there so that he could fulfill his dream of being the richest man in town, like the bad guy from “Roadhouse.”

I was the only kid on my street who had an N64, and all of the other kids were forced to obey my sadistic rules just to play it for 10 minutes. It was sad. I mean, the stuff I made them do was really funny, but like the situation was sad, objectively.

One kid in my neighborhood was so poor he died. I never bothered to learn details beyond that really, but that’s how my dad explained it.

When I say that some of my best friends are struggling, I mean my absolute best friends. Friends who are more like family. People I would do anything for. Well, you know not anything but like, you know what I mean.

Sure I may not be directly impacted by economic disparity, but the people who work for me sure are, and I consider them to be some of my very best friends! I remind them all that we are a family at every mandatory staff meeting, and I even call them my “coworkers”, not my underlings. And I say it like I mean it!

Despite the fact that I pay them competitively to run the barcade I started because I was bored, these friends I hired can barely make ends meet. More than once I’ve seen my friends show up late because their car broke down and they couldn’t afford to fix it. That would never happen to me of course, when one car breaks I just call a junk removal place and start-up one of the others, but the people directly around me? Not so lucky.

Every day I’ve had to fire a friend of mine for being late has been one of the saddest days of my life.

Even some of my old college friends are barely scraping a living paycheck to paycheck. Not anyone in my frat obviously, you had to have old money connections to get in, but pretty much every science major I knew is fucked now. Last week I walked into a coffee shop and realized the barista was a fellow alumnus. It made me really sad! I almost left a $20 in the tip jar, but I decided it might embarrass them. Plus I never tip, like, ever. Gross.

JNCO Introduces Face Mask That Covers Entire Body

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

LOS ANGELES — Clothing brand JNCO released a line of protective face masks yesterday that effectively cover the wearer’s entire body, matching the label’s trademark loose and baggy fit for pants.

“I’ve tried to stay home for the entire pandemic to be safe, but when I heard JNCO made face masks, I ran to Hot Topic as soon as humanly possible,” stated Jason Hadrick, an avid JNCO patron since the ’90s. “They’re awesome: super heavy denim, and so loose you can almost use them as an umbrella. I can’t wait for a second wave of Corona, where we go back to phase one of reopening so I can show off all my sick masks. My mom is even ironing a psychedelic mushroom patch onto one.”

A JNCO spokesperson expressed excitement about the new specialty line.

“If we’re gonna bring back JNCO in a really huge way, we need to be the first ones to jump on face mask fashion. We’re bringing our signature style to your mouth and nose, and because it’s JNCO, your entire torso, legs, and feet as well,” representative Andrew Jacovou said. “These things are so loose, you could fit a whole other person underneath them. We kicked around those pre-ripped jean styles too, but apparently the market research came back negative, so it’s a pass… for now.”

Meanwhile, Dr. Laura Hersch of the CDC confirmed that while the JNCO face masks are not medical grade, their aesthetic design makes them surprisingly protective.

“The material is not ideal — some droplets can still get through — but because the masks are so ridiculous looking, most people will stand only close enough to film the person wearing them for a few seconds, which is far more effective in protecting them from droplets and aerosols,” Hersch said. “And when JNCO includes a pair of rollerblades with the mask, it will only make them that much more effective at encouraging people to keep at least 25 feet of distance, if not more.”

In related news, Old Navy is introducing cargo-style face masks this week, which give the wearer a few extra pockets and are marketed as “both stylish and practical.”

Man Tasked With Making Score for a Monkey Riding a Swordfish Underwater Creates Transcendent Piece of Music

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

COALVILLE, U.K. —  Donkey Kong Country’s recent addition to the Nintendo Switch Online SNES collection has fans and audiophiles alike appreciating ‘Aquatic Ambience,’ the absolutely transcendent piece of music composer David Wise provided when asked to score a level where a monkey rides a swordfish around underwater.

“They came to me about the idea of a level with Diddy riding Enguarde below the sea, not worrying about air or anything, just slaughtering fish and snatching ‘nanas,” said Wise reflecting on his iconic work 26 years ago. “I said to them, ‘I’m not going to score a monkey riding a swordfish, I’m going to score your goddamn heart and soul riding a swordfish!” 

Wise revealed that his process was more involved than most of his other work on video game soundtracks over the years. Inspired to create something special, he embarked to the Great Coral Reef in search of inspiration for the piece.

“I ended up dropping about 8 tabs of acid the first day I was there,” he said. “I took off all of my clothes except for a red tie and went snorkeling. I found a swordfish and looked it dead in the eye. The swordfish then turned its back and signaled to me with its tail to hop on board. I rode that dude for 12 hours straight. When I came home, the song flowed out of me. At that moment, I was merely a seismograph, recording the vibrations of my experience.”

By all accounts, the team working on Donkey Kong Country were very pleased with Wise’s contributions, particularly ‘Aquatic Ambience.’

“We cannot stress enough how little expectations we had for this level that was mostly meant to introduce Enguarde. We expected maybe a little silly saxophone riff or some xylophone,” said Tim Stamper, co-founder of Rare, his eyes welling with tears. “I’m sorry. Every time I think of that song I get worked up. It is the soundtrack to eternity, of all us creatures floating in an endless sea of time and space searching for our own meaning.”

At time of reporting, Dave Wise is currently on an ayahuasca trip in the Amazon in preparation for an untitled project which he could only reveal, “involves a monkey in a ballcap shooting itself out of a barrel and into a tree to collect bananas.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Fortnite Adds Kevin James’ Dance From Hitch Into Game

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

CARY, N.C. — Following the release of the viral TikTok Renegade dance as DLC content for their hit third person shooter Fortnite, Epic has announced that they are also adding Kevin James’ dance from the 2005 romantic comedy film ‘Hitch’ as an emote in the game.

“A lot of people think that it’s just little kids who play Fortnite, but there’s a whole range of players. We want our older, sadder players to also have a chance to express themselves in their favorite video game,” said Design Lead Eric Williamson. “Many of those players see Kevin James’ character Albert Brennaman as a role model — I think that, without a doubt, if Albert Brennaman existed today he would play Fortnite and he would buy the ‘Hitch’ emote.”

“And don’t worry, this thing isn’t gonna be the full $20,” Williamson added. “We know most older players can’t break the bank like some of the kids who play our games. I don’t know where it’s coming from, but the deepness of their pockets seemingly has no end.”

When reached for comment, Kevin James was unaware that his dance from the movie was being added to Fortnite.

“Look, if I’m getting paid to be in it, then that’s great,” James said. “But if I’m not getting paid, then the lawsuit is certainly already in motion, and that’s great too. It’s nice to know that a whole new generation of fans will be introduced to my embarrassing dance moves from ‘Hitch,’ which I imagine they will all emulate on Ticker Tocker [sic]. I just want young people to know who I am again. There hasn’t been a ‘Grown Ups’ in so long.”

At press time, thousands of young Fortnite players flooded the YouTube page for Hitch (2005) Official Trailer 1 – Will Smith Movie to comment “holy shit i can’t believe they made the dance from fortnite real.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Friend Who Finally Has Time to Finish Novel Won’t

Posted on by Eric Navarro

DURHAM, N.C. — Aspiring author Steve Otto finally has time during a self-imposed coronavirus quarantine to complete his novel which, according to friends and family, he “absolutely won’t, not a chance in hell.”

“Steve has been talking about this stupid fucking book since college. I swear to God, if he talks about ‘finally having the life experience’ to finish the thing, I’m going to jump off a bridge,” said Otto’s longtime girlfriend Jenn Haven. “When the pandemic started I thought he might actually have a chance at doing the work, but three months in and all he does is take pictures of his vintage typewriter and post it on Instagram saying, ‘another day at the office.’ I never had an interest in reading the stupid book, but nowadays I’m looking forward to it more than ‘The Winds of Winter.’”

Otto’s parents say there is a never-ending trail of unfinished projects their son has left behind.

“Our boy was always such an ideas person, and always lacked follow through,” said Otto’s mother Joan. “He made the baseball team but quit before the first practice; he’d sign up for talent shows but drop out minutes before the performance. And not to be crass, but in his teenage years I found many solitary socks in his bed sheets… but never a yellow stain to be seen! He’s nothing like his brother — that guy always finished. We had to replace mattresses because he was so busy.”

Despite concerns from those close to him, Otto claimed he knows when to quit working on a project.

“I don’t know what everyone’s talking about. I’ve finished every project I ever started,” Otto said. “The thing is, some people define ‘finished’ as ‘when the project is completed and ready for others to see.’ I view a project as completed when I get praise for telling people about it. It’s a matter of perspective — others may see it as a letdown, but personally I feel fulfilled as hell.”

At press time, Otto announced on Instagram live that he would be releasing an emo-trap album and promised it will be finished by the summer of 2044.