ANDALUSIA, Pa. — A group of preteen boys playing in the woods yesterday were “totally meh” after stumbling upon a first-generation, unlocked iPhone chock full of smutty pictures, surprised Millennial parents confirmed.
“We were riding bikes near the creek when Liam [Rowley] tripped over what looked like a big, black rock. But we quickly realized it was some kind of ancient iPhone from the ’80s or something,” said 11-year-old Ethan Schmidt. “We were joking around about how anyone could even fit this giant phone in their back pockets, when suddenly it turned on and this super pixelated pic of a lady named Jenna Jameson showed up. It was weird… the photo was just her naked, by herself — she wasn’t surrounded by eight dudes, or getting peed on, or anything like we’re used to seeing.”
Liam’s father, 39-year-old Josh Rowley, waxed nostalgic after hearing the story, claiming that finding porn in the woods is “a right of passage.”
“I’ll never forget the pure joy of being 12 years old and discovering a used-up, old beaver mag in a tree hollow. It was just a part of growing up — as American as fucking an apple pie,” said Rowley. “But when my son told me what happened, he seemed so nonplussed by it all — I told him how I once found a Penthouse when I was his age, but he didn’t know what that was… and when I explained it was a magazine, he said, ‘What’s a magazine?’ At that point, I just let him go back to YouTube.”
Dr. Bridget Lister, a pediatric psychologist specializing in understanding how the internet has changed the sensibility of Generation Z, gave her insight.
“The web has never not been a part of Gen Z’s life. Because of this, they are often desensitized to graphic violence and sexually explicit imagery,” said Dr. Lister. “Needless to say, they’re very difficult to shock. And as an unethical child psychologist who has had her license revoked several times, I should know.”
At press time, the local middle schoolers were trying to comprehend an “urban legend” about ’80s and ’90s kids spending several futile hours trying to see even the slightest bit of nudity on a so-called “scrambled porn TV channel.”