Suspicious Protestor with Mohawk, Lots of Gold Chains Topples Philadelphia’s “Rocky” Statue

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

PHILADELPHIA — An anonymous protestor sporting a distinctive mohawk, dozens of gold chains, and American flag Zubaz pants was spotted yesterday toppling the Rocky Balboa movie prop statue from the film “Rocky III,” relieved and tourist-hating Philadelphians confirmed.

“Look at this bronze fool — it’s a paper statue. I’m gonna beat this monument like a dog. A dog! My prediction for the future of that statue? Pain,” the mohawked man shouted at the inanimate statue as countless demonstrators cheered him on. “I saw your movie ‘Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot.’ This bum don’t even treat his momma right. No respect, no class. You comin’ down, sucka.”

Other protestors quickly realized the mohawked man was not associated with the push to remove Confederate statues, and seemingly had a personal vendetta against the fictional Italian boxer.

“At first I was glad to see someone defacing that bullshit Rocky statue — why is there a monument to a made-up white boxer, and not Philly’s real-life champ, Joe Frazier? But when I offered to help, the mohawk guy screamed, ‘Quit your jibber-jabber, stay in school, and grab that rope, fool,’” said protestor Alicia Villegas. “I tried my hardest to yank it off its bolts, but it was really difficult with a grown man telling me incessantly to believe in myself and avoid drugs. Eventually I gave up and left. The guy screamed something about pitying me, but I couldn’t make out the rest.”

Actor Sylvester Stallone, who gifted Philadelphia the statue city officials begrudgingly accepted, was saddened by the news.

“It’s a real shame to see protestors destroying monuments to great Americans like Robert E. Lee, Christopher Columbus, and of course, me, you know? Luckily, I’ve got about 12 or so backup bronze statues of Rocky, and I’m shipping one to the Philadelphia Museum of Art as we speak,” said Stallone. “The city didn’t return my calls, but I’m sure they’re thrilled.”

Unfortunately, the mohawked protestor was injured after accidentally pulling the two-ton statue down on his right leg. Paramedics attempted to airlift the man to nearby Jefferson Hospital, but were forced to sedate him via tranquilizer-spiked milk due to the alleged vandalizer’s intense fear of flying.

Cashier No Longer Considered Hero After 2012 Tweets Resurface

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

DEDHAM, Mass. — Local Star Market employee Jimmy West will no longer be applauded for his brave commitment to serving the community following the discovery of a series of Tweets he composed in seventh grade, disgusted sources confirm.

“I thought he was a good kid from a good family… but it turns out he’s a fat-shaming bigot. I’ve already talked to management about getting a refund for all the food I bought here over the years that he rang me up for,” said local Twitter activist Paul Walsh. “He claims that he’s grown up a lot since he was in middle school, but I don’t buy it. If his family doesn’t immediately seek to emancipate themselves from any connection with him, they are complicit and should also be run out of town.”

West claimed the controversial Tweets, which followed a 2012 episode of NBC’s reality show “The Biggest Loser,” were only a joke and that he’s never harbored any ill will towards anyone of any size.

“I really had no idea those Tweets were such a big deal to people. I made two posts that night: one said, ‘This fat old guy looks like he ate a tire,’ and the other said, ‘I wouldn’t want any of these fatties to sit on me.’ I don’t even remember writing them, but now everywhere I go, people spit on me and tell me my mother should’ve had an abortion,” said West. “I don’t know why anybody cares — I only had nine Twitter followers and I haven’t used that site since I graduated high school. I’m afraid to go to my car after work every day because there’s always a sea of people who yell ‘big is beautiful’ at me.”

Social media experts say this is a more common occurrence due to so-called “cancel culture.”

“Over the past few years, countless individuals have been held accountable for their disgusting behavior when it comes to racist remarks or abuse against women. Because so many obvious targets have already been ‘canceled,’ there is a growing faction of people looking to get offended by anything and everything people say, even if the offender has no real social standing,” said Twitter analyst Lara Sullster. “The only solace most canceled people can count on is the fact that their ‘canceler’ will be called out soon enough for sending women obscene messages on Instagram. It happens every time.”

Compounding controversy for Star Market, online activists called on the community to boycott the chain after another store’s night janitor was accused of ageism and sexism for declaring ‘The Golden Girls’ overrated back in 1988.

I Assure You, My Nazi Police Are NOT Socialists

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

A young man came up to me while I was golfing yesterday, and said, “Mr. Trump, your Nazi socialist secret police force is,” blah blah blah, something about Portland. I told him, I can I assure you no secret police force of mine would ever be involved in such vile politics. It’s disgusting, really. I assured him as I assure all of you fine people, none of the Nazi police forces I am currently deploying are made up of socialists.

I know that in the original German—I’m talking about the GOOD German, before Angela Merkel—”Nazi” was a word that had something to do with socialism. Now, now, don’t boo. The Nazi’s weren’t perfect, but they had some good ideas. And we’re making those ideas great again. That’s why each member of my secret police—I hear people calling them the “Trump’stapo” and I like that—has been thoroughly vetted for any connection to socialism of any kind. We cannot allow ideas that take away freedom into our police state.

Folks, my protection squadron is as capitalist as they come. We have a trickle-down system. The rich are at the top and our piss “trickles down” on blue-collar workers like the police, economically speaking of course, and they, in turn, “piss” on the rights of all Americans, including their own. It’s simple economics, folks. I don’t have time to explain it, just keep fighting each other.

To any scared babies worried that the world’s best and most secret paramilitary force could abduct and detain you against your will in direct violation of your rights, you can rest easy knowing the masked men doing it are not seeking to seize the means of production. If you find yourself abducted on the streets—when maybe you shouldn’t have been outside at all—simply identify yourself as a subservient member to the throne while they’re waterboarding you with homegrown, American gasoline.

Anyway, keep fighting amongst yourselves and go Redskins!

Radiohead Picks Wrong Time to Reveal “Kid A” Stands for “Kid Antebellum”

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

ABINGDON, Oxfordshire, U.K. — Experimental rock band Radiohead revealed today that their seminal album “Kid A” actually stands for “Kid Antebellum,” deciding for some reason that they should tell this to the world amid controversy over the band Lady Antebellum’s name.

“Ante bellum means ‘before the war,’ and since we consider our plunge into the mainstream to be a war for our artistic integrity, ‘Kid A’ was supposed to be about our infancy — get it? Like a kid, before the war?” Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke explained, slowly, methodically, and half in falsetto. “Discovering the implication of prejudice changes everything, but rather than change the name, we’re gonna just claim the song has always been about racial injustice this whole time instead… or maybe I’ll just say I’m kidding about what the A stands for. Who’s gonna know?”

Radiohead’s longtime manager Chris Hufford has been in crisis mode trying to mitigate the damage.

“I begged them not to tell anyone — especially now, but really ever,” Hufford exclaimed while commanding an army of PR reps and paying off blog editors not to publish the story. “Radiohead has had a stellar reputation in the industry. For them to say this now is probably some kind of societal statement… or maybe an epic prank on me? Who knows with these guys? They’re insane. Just listen to everything they’ve released since ‘In Rainbows.’”

In the midst of litigation over the band name “Lady A,” the band formerly known as Lady Antebellum is going after Radiohead for their album name as well.

“It doesn’t matter that their thing came out a billion years ago, or that they’re probably joking, or that we’re trying to distance from the name. It’s ours, and we want it back!” singer Hillary Scott said while Googling the name “Antebellum” to ensure no one else is using it yet. “It’s like when your kid turns out to be a serial killer, but they’re still your kid — the name might be racist, but it’s our racist name. If those pale English dorks think they will get away with this, they have another thing coming.”

In related news, Coldplay’s Chris Martin also revealed today a hidden meaning in one of their songs, alleging that “Viva La Vida” was actually “Viva L.A. Vida,” or “Live The Lady Antebellum Life.”

Ex-Underøath Fan Devoutly Tweets Death Threats to Band, Prays for Better Internet Connection on Livestream Next Week

Posted on by Tim Sheard

PROVO, Utah — Devout Christian and former Underøath superfan Liam Beckstead spent the majority of his afternoon yesterday Tweeting death threats at the band while simultaneously praying his internet connection was strong enough for their upcoming livestream performance, conflicted sources confirmed.

“For the past couple of years I’ve been leaving comments, Tweeting, writing letters, and whatever else, just to let those soul sellouts in Underøath know that I don’t appreciate them turning their backs on Jesus,” said Beckstead while making sure none of his 12 brothers or sisters were using the internet. “I’ve been hate-listening to their newer stuff in hopes I can find a Christian connection. The only reason I’m watching all three of their livestream performances is so I can see them play old stuff and yell, ‘You’re all going to hell!’ as loud as I can while they play.”

Sadly, the band has allegedly grown accustomed to abuse from Christian members of their fan base.

“When we first started, we had a lot of fans who really seemed intent on ‘moshing for Jesus,’ but as we distanced ourselves from organized religion, those same people decided we should all die slow, painful deaths,” said Underøath drummer Aaron Gillespie. “Now that they’re older and they don’t mosh to get their Christian aggression out of their system, they really just spend too much time online posing with their guns. It’s weird.”

Following the livestream, Beckstead announced plans to purchase multiple hours with a variety of cam girls in hopes of bringing them towards Jesus.

This Friday tune into the Underøath livestream and watch them perform ‘Define the Great Line’ in it’s entirety. Click here for access.

Disgraced ‘Smash Bros.’ Player Announces Hiatus, Plans to Main Self for a Little While

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SEATTLE — Tyler Wendell, the latest pro Super Smash Bros. player accused of sexual misconduct, has announced that he will be taking some time off from the game, and plans on maining himself for a little while. 

“For too long, I have edge-guarded the weight of my own actions,” said Wendell, also known as Streyek4ce. “I have chained combos of irresponsibility, selfishness, and coercion, and I tragically did it all with items turned on — items such as drugs and alcohol. I will be taking some time off from Smash, and thus will be putting away Zero Suit Samus for a while, so that I may figure out how to best utilize my real life skillset.” 

Many have speculated that competitive Smash Bros. players have grown so focused on their preferred characters in the game that they often lose focus on the basic tenets of self control. 

“We’ve done extensive research on the connections between playing Super Smash Bros. competitively and being a total skeev,” said Dr. June Bryant, a Professor of Behavior Science at Northwest University. “Sadly, many of these players spend so much time mastering the controls of one or several characters that they are rendered incapable of performing basic maneuvers and techniques on their own, such as common decency and observing age of consent laws.”

“And let me be absolutely clear,” she added. “These are not advanced techs.”

At press time, Wendell took to Twitter to complain that his new main is “low tier fucking garbage” with negative match-ups against everyone.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Government Expected to Issue Second Stimulus Check to Help Americans Pay for $70 PS5 Games

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — The United States government is expected to announce a second relief package soon, one that will reportedly include provisions for the upcoming $70 price point that has been rumored for the games available for the new video game consoles set to release at the end of the year. 

“The American people have been through enough in 2020,” said House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy. “We need to get them the help they need, to feed their families, pay their bills, and check out some PlayStation 5 games to see if a new console generation is really necessary or merely a byproduct of our cyclical consumerist culture. It’s important we band together and help Joe Gamer out, in this total bummer of a Q3.”

Many critics of the package claim that while it will help the middle and low class gamers struggling to keep their Game Pass accounts active and their children in new Fortnite skins, it offers lopsided incentives to the privileged and wealthy.

“Look, I will totally take some help with buying new games,” said Andre Gibbs, a gamer who was concerned with the latest relief package. “Hell, I appreciate the help even. But, forgive me if I’m less than ecstatic about picking up Valhalla at the end of the year when every big corporation is getting trucks full of PS5s and XBOX Series X’s shipped right to them. Seems a little disproportionate.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell stressed that this latest stimulus check shouldn’t go to every American, but merely the ones in a position to buy a new system at the end of the year. 

“This is some extra cash to check out FIFA or NBA and see if it’s worth it,” he said. “Not another government handout for you to run out to the dope store and buy vaporizers. There is no need to help subsidize the broke ass gamers who are still playing CoD on their PS3s. They ought to take a lesson from the soldiers in that title and pull themselves up by the bootstraps if they want to get ahead in this world.” 

McConnell concluded the appearance by once again denying claims that Kentucky received more copies of Animal Crossing: New Horizons from the government than any other state as part of the first coronavirus relief package.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

The Next Spongebob? This Gay Man Makes Minimum Wage

Posted on by Mark Bouchard

Spongebob Squarepants.The bubble-blowing, fun-loving, flamboyant sea sponge has been entertaining young children and stoned adults for over 20 years. But while Spongebob is fictional, a fast food restaurateur in Lansing, Michigan believes he has found the real-life Spongebob: A slightly irritating gay man named Aiden Stouder.

“As soon as I heard the new fry cook laughing at one of his own jokes during onboarding, I knew that Aidan was going to do big things for me burger joint, and me money,” explained restaurant owner Tyler Olson. “Having him behind the grill means we can finally compete with McDonald’s in terms of courting the youths. I mean, how could they top Spongebob personified? Get the whole dang ‘Paw Patrol’ to hang out in the ball pit? Where would you even find that many pooches?”

While Stouder is happy to have any job after getting laid off from his data entry position, he did admit the constant comparisons to the yellow, porous sea sponge grate on his nerves.

“If you ask me, the only ways I’m like Spongebob are that I work long hours for effectively no pay under a money-grubbing stooge. The cheap bastard is totally Mr. Krabs. There’s also a cashier that’s kind of a dick, but I wouldn’t quite say he’s Squidward.”

Among the many humiliations that Stouder must endure to keep his job, the fry cook is forced to sign autographs, wear a latex glove on his head, repeatedly rip his pants, and listen to the same Tiny Tim song for the entirety of his shifts.

“Between us, I’m just glad to be able to pay my rent, but god damn is it humiliating. When I told my friend Sandra about everything I have to do to keep the bossman happy, she said it makes her ‘madder than a wet hen without a hairdryer.’”

Despite his misgivings, Stouder said he is more than happy to take selfies with fans. However, the gay fry cook has repeatedly asked that no one tell his new boss that he is currently dating a man named “Patrick Starkonowitz.”

Progressive Government of Flavortown Providing Universal Basic Chili Con Carne

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

FLAVORTOWN, Calif. — A quality-of-life ordinance passed by Flavortown’s town council this week will guarantee residents monthly universal chili con carne payments beginning as soon as September.

“This legislation is the real deal — put it on a bun and call your momma, muchacho!” exclaimed triumphant Town Manager Guy Fieri, gesturing to an imaginary camera crew. “For too long the gangsters of Flavortown have struggled to keep Old Bay and bologna in their kitchen. How can we expect our community to prosper if everyone can’t enjoy a righteous pot of flavor and a cerveza every now and then? We have to make our triple D’s work for everyone.”

“And this is just the beginning,” added Fieri. “By next year, we expect payments of habanero breakfast sausages, along with tuna melts that will make you dance the meringue.”

The town council’s decision is a reversal of previous regulations, designating all greasy benefits to be paid by third-party vendors.

“Today’s decision is the beginning of a more prosperous age for the brochachos and brochachas of Flavortown,” said newly elected town councilman and Director of Poblano Works, Ian Nichols. “In addition to monthly pots of slammin’ stew garnished with pulled pork-stuffed jalapeno poppers, the Flavortown council will also be servin’ up low-interest rates for residents buying their first flame shirt; no-questions-asked facilities offering sterile, unused visors; and after-school programs to teach kids how to rub and smoke a dynamite hunk of brisket.”

With Flavortown gaining national attention as “a pierogi of equity served with rockin’ horseradish sour cream,” residents have become wary of other towns co-opting the moniker for themselves.

“It would be hella confusing if some sweaty, midwestern cornfield also called themselves Flavortown,” lamented Collette Shriver, the head chef at Hot Rod’s Dogs, a local rockabilly delicatessen. “Guaranteed, those people don’t know how to use a guajillo — they probably don’t even have a PacSun to buy chain bracelets or Dickies from, either. Those are as Flavortown as frosted tips.”

Despite Flavortown’s progressive economic policies, the town council has yet to remove the problematic statue of former councilwoman Rachael Ray sexually harassing every single firefighter during a 2005 State of the City speech.

If White Men Control Everything, How Come I Never Got a Quinceañera?

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

So I keep hearing from the left that, apparently, white males control every aspect of culture, economy, and politics. I would like to offer my rebuttal: the Mesoamerican celebration of young womanhood known as the Quinceañera.

As a white male, I did not get a Quinceañera when I turned 15 and I still have not had a Quinceañera. No one purchased me a beautiful ball gown and I was never given a proper entrance (or La Entrada) into a banquet hall filled with family and friends. Never in my life have handsome chambelanes hoisted me above their heads and paraded me around the room like the princess I deserve to be.

So, don’t talk to me about equality until I am presented with a crown, a pair of high heel shoes, and a doll. I want a night of dancing, cake, and toasts in my honor. Not allowing grown white men to be honored in such a way is, and I’m not afraid to say it, reverse racism.

Show me the law where only Latina teenage girls are allowed to be ushered into adulthood in such a manner. I want to be filled with tamales, tacos al pastor, and salsa; drink vats of Pozole. A whole buffet table of churros, conchas, and pan dulce. Not to mention a giant ass cake for me to cut into. Maybe my father will dance with me and finally tell me he is proud of me.

This is a long-winded way of saying, please join me at the Eagle Ranch Golf Club and Resort for my Quinceañera on the day of the 42nd birthday. Gifts are accepted but cash is preferred.