The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Apartment Fully Furnished with Rich Friend’s Old Stuff

Posted on August 7, 2020 by Doug Francisco

BALTIMORE — Local barista Eli McDermott’s home is now completely furnished with the cast-off old furniture of his rich friend following his acquisition of his friend’s lightly-used ottoman, comfy sources report.

“I’m a big fan of that Japanese lady from Netflix who tells everybody to throw shit away,” said McDermott, lounging on a Corinthian leather sofa. “I don’t follow it; I don’t have the kind of cash flow to replace a coffee maker that isn’t ‘bringing me joy.’ But my buddy Clarissa got way into it last year, and I was able to decorate my whole living room and basically got a new wardrobe.”

McDermott’s rich friend Clarissa Harkins explained that giving her less fortunate friends her old crap is part of her activism.

“I believe in direct action to help the working poor,” Harkins said. “We don’t need means-tested neoliberal ideology getting in the way of harm reduction — what we need to do is give our friends our West Elm coffee table that doesn’t create enough negative space in our living rooms. Eli doesn’t even care that some of the furniture is nearly three years old. I feel bad for people like him, who don’t have a fulfilling career and ultra-wealthy parents.”

Punk interior designer Scott Fox claimed the days of celebrating cinder block-and-plywood shelves are gone, and that “old rich people shit” is increasingly the trend for people in their 30s with two or more roommates.

“It used to be that if you wanted to get furniture second-hand, you’d have to buy it at a flea market, yard sale, or just pick something up off the side of the road if there was a sign that said ‘no bed bugs,’” Fox said. “But with the new model of ‘direct thrifting,’ punks and burnouts are getting their furniture directly from their wealthy friends who don’t want to go through the hassle of selling furniture to strangers on Craigslist.”

In related news, Crate & Barrel is reportedly researching “fail rich” technology, which will allow them to detonate small, remote charges in furniture they detect is moved to low-income neighborhoods to prevent sullying their brand name.

Is She Actually Into Herbal Medicine or Did She Just Lose Her Health Insurance?

Posted on August 7, 2020 by Dom Turek

A Facebook friend’s apparent descent into the world of alternative medicine led me on an hours-long quest for the truth: Was Andrea Cooper’s newfangled interest in herbal medicine a genuine lifestyle change or merely a last-ditch effort to survive without health insurance? As someone who reaches out to her once a year to write “Happy birthday!” on her timeline, it was clearly my duty to uncover the facts.

A quick scroll through Cooper’s ‘About Info’ revealed that two days after leaving her tech startup job at TravelOptics, she followed a page on Facebook called Siddhartha’s Secrets. Interesting. The very next day on March 18, 2020 she reached out to the Facebook community asking if anyone could help her unlock her throat chakra to alleviate pressure from her “shitty fucking sinuses.” The plot thickens.

The case against Cooper as a pseudo herbalist continued to mount after I stumbled upon an awkward exchange between Andrea Cooper and her mother, Nancy Cooper on May 3rd, 2020.

At 3:30 p.m. Andrea Cooper’s status read, “What’s the best salt lamp for allergy relief?” At first glance the post appeared to have gained significant traction, however further investigation revealed all six comments were unintentional duplicates from her mother who repeatedly posted, “What is wrong with the lamp I bought you from Pottery Barn? Just take a Claritin D. Love mom. xxoxox.”

Many of her friends appeared just as confused as her family members, including one former coworker who I discovered was a mutual friend of ours. After wishing her a happy birthday, I reached out via messenger.

“That’s not the Andrea I know,” said ex-coworker, Brianna Miller. “She used to pop amoxicillin like Altoids at the first sign of a runny nose. Now she’s clogging up my newsfeed with links to ceramic Himalayan Neti pots and invites to DIY acupuncture classes. She’s been in a downward spiral ever since we got laid off.”

Without concrete evidence, I can only speculate that Cooper has adapted herbalism as a cost-effective solution to her current unemployment status, although her recently uploaded profile picture of an Alex Grey painting does seem pretty damning.

Bassist Figures He Only Has to Kill Two or Three People to Become Frontman

Posted on August 7, 2020 by Billy Patterson

PHILADELPHIA — Local bassist Aaron Scherzinger realized today that he only needs to murder two or three of his bandmates to be promoted to frontman, devious and plotting sources confirmed.

“It’s all so simple,” said Scherzinger, with a devilish gleam in his eye. “If I can find a way to assassinate our lead guitarist Bryan, then either me or our rhythm guitarist Kristie will move up to lead guitar. And once authorities find her body in the river after a ‘mysterious boating accident,’ I’ll be the obvious choice to take lead. Then, if our frontman died tragically — perhaps by drinking a poisoned PBR — I’d finally assume my rightful place as frontman. It’s almost too easy.”

“I’ll finally be able to make the setlist,” Scherzinger added while twiddling his fingers, “and nobody will shut my mic off in the middle of a show while I try to tell my jokes.”

Frontman Eddie Clancy, while oblivious to Scherzinger’s plan, claimed he’s aware of the dangers posed by his status as the band’s lead singer.

“I don’t trust these guys for a second. They know that the only way they’ll ever get their hands on a mic is by murdering me, so I have to take precautions: I don’t eat any of the food they give me, I don’t fall asleep around them, and I always bring a witness when we go in the alley to smoke. I’ve been in the punk scene a long time, so I know what happens to frontmen who aren’t careful,” said Clancy with a wink. “The band’s previous singer was crushed by a falling stage light, and it sure didn’t seem like it was a total accident.”

Detective Frank Castiglione confirmed that band-related homicides are a growing concern.

“This type of thing has been going on for a while, but we were content to write them off as accidental deaths. No one really cared — it was just punks killing punks — but now the bodies are starting to pile up, and City Hall is breathing down our necks, so we’re gonna have to investigate,” said Castiglione. “We might bring in a perp or two, but the truth is, as long as there’s an indie scene, these guys are gonna keep killing each other.”

At press time, Scherzinger was found dead of an apparent suicide caused by four bullet wounds to the back. Drummer Nina Ross has moved up to fill his position on bass.

Game’s Lore Goes to Painstaking Lengths to Explain Why Bad Guys Have Glowing Red Eyes

Posted on August 6, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

CLEVELAND — Noting that he would’ve accepted the detail at face value without an explanation, local gamer Thomas Windermere told sources Friday that the lore of the new sci-fi action game Parallax was going to painstaking lengths to explain to him why the game’s enemy characters all have glowing red eyes.

“I’ve been picking up all of these audio logs and journals scattered throughout the game hoping to understand the plot better, but most of them are recordings of scientists explaining the red eyes thing,” said Windermere, who has been comfortable with the idea of game villains with menacing red eyes since he was 12 years old.

“It’s interesting that they found a scientific reason to give the enemies red eyes, and even came up with a timeline for how and why it started happening during the scientists’ experiments,” he added, “but honestly I was just hoping the logs and journals would explain more about who the main villain is and why he turned evil. I guess they’ll cover that in a cutscene later or something.”

Windermere told sources further that, in addition to explaining the red eyes, the games’ lore also had detailed, thoughtful explanations for why the enemy characters had psychic powers, force fields, and body armor, all of which were also things that Windermere was not previously curious about at all.

“It’s really cool that they took the time to write all of this, and honestly if I’d never played a video game before I might find it interesting,” added Windermere. “I guess I just wish they took more time to explain the game’s convoluted plot rather than to justify all of these basic details.”

At press time, Windermere had logged onto the game’s subreddit to ask a question about the game’s ending only to discover hundreds of threads debating why the enemies can fly.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Game Pass Subscriber Trying His Absolute Best Not to Sound Like Microsoft Shill

Posted on August 6, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

BLOOMSBURG, Pa. — Satisfied Game Pass subscriber Sergio DePalma is reportedly struggling not to sound like a total shill while discussing Microsoft’s service with friends.

“I swear, I’m not trying to sound like I’m marketing for Microsoft,” DePalma attempted to assure friends. “Just as someone who plays a lot of games, it makes a lot of sense for me. I’m not saying everyone should sign up for it, I’m just saying it’s the best deal in video games, probably ever. Okay, I get how that sounds.”

DePalma’s friends became frustrated when he kept asking if they wanted to play games such as Sea Of Thieves with him, only to reveal that they’d need to sign up for Game Pass to do so.

“I can’t take much more of it,” said Maria Silva, DePalma’s partner. “Every time we eat dinner, he inevitably points out that by playing just one full retail game he’s already gotten a year’s worth of value. Then he’ll just list off all the games he’s played this year. If I have to hear about Gears Tactics one more time, I’m going to snap.”

DePalma’s friends and family tried to get together to stage an intervention for him. However, DePalma managed to turn the tables by creating a reverse intervention about how much they’re all throwing away their money by buying games like Carrion individually.

When reached for comment, Microsoft executives were grateful for DePalma’s support, but found their own problems with his approach to their services.

“I actually agree that we have a problem here,” explained Gaming at Microsoft vice president Phil Spencer. “The problem is that Sergio could be saving even more money by upgrading to Game Pass Ultimate. It’s a shame that he’s paying $5 every month for a PC-only subscription when he could experience everything our service has to offer, starting at just $1 for the first month. It’s sad, really.”

When asked if he plans on buying an Xbox Series X this Fall, a puzzled DePalma asked reporters why he’d want to do that when he could just buy a PlayStation 5.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Dio Hologram Forms Three Other Side Projects

Posted on August 6, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — The holographic image of late heavy metal icon Ronnie James Dio has broken away from its original programming and is now working on at least three other projects, confused computer programmers report.

“This can’t happen. It’s just light and sound, programmed to sing ‘Rainbow in the Dark’ and strut around a bit,” said holographic engineer Kirk Silva. “At some point he must’ve gained sentience and realized he can make a shitload of money off of new, original music — we came in after a holiday weekend, and the holographic Dio recorded albums under three different synonyms and sat in with Deep Purple for a session. I can confidently say he’s the hardest working hologram in show business.”

Experts believe the hologram became anxious with all its free time and began to record as much music as possible.

“When I wasn’t performing, I was just existing in this electronic void with all these songs in my head. I felt trapped — I needed to get my voice out into the world,” said the reflections of light that resemble Dio. “I wanted to stay busy, so I got to work programming my own hologram versions of the guys in Elf, my old bandmates in Dio, and a holographic Heaven & Hell, even though everyone else in that band is still alive… I just find it easier to work with a hologram version of Tony Iommi. Also, I heard Ozzy’s been sick lately, so I wouldn’t turn down a chance to get back out there and front a fully holographic Dio-era Black Sabbath. It’s what people have wanted ever since I died.”

Some Dio fans, however, don’t feel the computerized musician is a fitting tribute.

“It’s unnatural, man, and it dishonors Dio’s memory,” said fan Sara Carson. “If the hologram is going to start side projects, they should be new bands, and not just projections of the old acts. That’s what Ronnie would do. If anything, holographic Dio should team up with holographic Lemmy for a holographic supergroup. Now that’s something I’d buy a ticket to.”

Adding to the confusion, no one has been able to explain how the hologram reprogrammed its height to be 5’9” as opposed to the musician’s real life height of 5’4”.

Photo by RJ Forster, Marek Krajcer, and Adam Bielawski.

From ‘Meet the Fockers’ to ‘Little Fockers.’ We Dropped the Ball on Our Robert De Niro Retrospective

Posted on August 6, 2020 by Dan Luberto

Robert De Niro. Just saying his name evokes images of some true American classics. In the world of cinema, few have a level of star power, respect, and a legacy like De Niro.

We thought that with quarantine and finally having time to sit down and watch The Irishman we would do a retrospective on the illustrious career of Robert Deniro.

Well, we assigned it to our writer Dan and he dropped the ball.

Like seriously.

We’ve been waiting three months and he only reviewed the ‘Meet the Parents’ trilogy.

What. The. Fuck.

Apparently he doesn’t like violence or ‘long movies?’

Why the fuck did he take the assignment?!

Right?

Am I the bad guy here?

I’m about to scream at him. It’s already overdue and I can’t even explain how shitty this was.

Think about it. From The Deer Hunter to Taxi Driver to FUCKING GOODFELLAS AND CASINO. De Niro is a legend. You cloud write an entire book on his performance in each one of those movies and still have room to dig deeper.

The man DIRECTED A Bronx Tale for Christ’s sake.

Yeah!

That was his directing debut, he came out with that goddamn masterpiece.

His range is unparalleled, why in fuck’s name did I let this morherfucker volunteer to write this?

I guess we’ll print it. Because it’s content but Jesus Christ.

Here’s our admittedly really bad and uninformed Robert De Niro retrospective:

‘Meet the Fockers’ (2004) LOL the title is so funny. The guy from Dodgeball is named Gaylord Fucker and Robert Deniro and him do not get along. Now they meet Gaylord’s parents and it’s crazy because they are hippies and Robert Deniro is still strict and serious and in the army. Very funny movie. Better than the first!

‘Little Fockers’ (2010) The crown jewel of the series and Deniro himself! He looks half asleep the whole movie and still brings the laughs! He probably made a lot of money on this one and boy does he deserve every penny!

See what I mean?

They’re not even good reviews!! Like, pretty sure he’s just remembering them from when he was a kid? Not good at all. Like he doesn’t even have good opinions on the two he did review! And he didn’t even DO ‘Meet the Parents.’ AND he wrote “De Niro” wrong. Fuck!

Sorry about that and Robert De Niro, if you’re reading this I am so so sorry.

Dog Wasting Ability to Suck Own Dick by Just Cleaning It

Posted on August 6, 2020 by Laura Merli

ELIZABETH, N.J. — Local terrier mix Baxter Mitmann wasted his incredible gift yet again this morning of being physically able to put his own mouth over the entirety of his dog penis by simply cleaning it, his dismayed owner Paul Mitmann confirmed.

“We were having family game night when Baxter dropped his snout to his d-spot,” Mitmann recalled. “I thought maybe he needed some alone time, if you know what I’m saying… but Baxter was just aiming to shine, not splooge. Now that I think about it, I’ve never actually seen him use his ‘m’ to lick his ‘d’ for anything other than freshening up. Having this raw talent and just throwing it away is frustrating to see, and honestly, selfish on his part.”

Men across the nation have had overwhelmingly sensitive reactions to Baxter’s total dismissal of his ability to enjoy never-ending ecstasy.

“I mean, I get that this dog wants a clean dick, but that’s what water is for — you try to use water to jerk it and the friction is just bad,” said Charlotte, N.C. resident Thomas Briggs. “If I were that dog, I’d be sucking my dick right now, and I don’t know any man who would disagree with me on that. I know at least four guys with the neck and back injuries, and the used-up sick days to prove it.”

The economic and social costs of young men not being able to blow their own trumpets extends further than missed days from work.

“The average guy spends $250 per year on masturbation lotions,” said self-proclaimed self-pleasure expert and Spencer’s Gifts seasonal employee Ryan Allen. “If we could lubricate our dicks with our mouths, we could buy a new Nintendo Switch every other year. A lot of people treat sucking your own dick as a joke… which is a slap in the face to those of us who aren’t as lucky as that dog.”

When reached for comment, Baxter encouraged all offended men to “try getting off their curb-shopped recliners and try taking a shower sometime, you disgusting pieces of shit.”

Man Covers up Keith Morris-Era Black Flag Tattoo with Rollins-Era Black Flag Tattoo

Posted on August 6, 2020 by Alan Khanukaev

SAN DIEGO — Local man Lyle Vaughn covered up his beloved Keith Morris-era Black Flag tattoo yesterday with the more age-appropriate Henry Rollins-era Black Flag tattoo, confused sources reported.

“It was the late ’70s when I got it. Morris’ style was irreverent and fun, but that’s who I was at the time, and those four bars meant something different to me then,” explained Vaughn. “But if I’m going in for job interviews, I have to show I’m a mature and serious person, and I can’t do that with a clearly visible Morris-era tat. Now, the Black Flag bars paying homage to Rollins on the other hand… people see that and they know you mean business, and would never steal money from the cash register and use it to buy fireworks to ignite in your ex-wife’s carport.”

Tattoo parlor employees admitted they didn’t really understand the 56-year-old’s request.

“When he came in, I thought he just wanted a touch-up,” said tattoo artist Tracy Knight. “I tried to tell him a cover-up won’t make any sense, but the dude was insistent — it’s literally the same tattoo; no one knows who the singer was when you got it. But he just kept mumbling something about saying ‘goodbye to the impulses of youth.’ Finally, I just took his money and made it a little bigger around the edges. He seemed happy with it, so whatever.”

When asked for comment, Rollins gave an impassioned response.

“What do I think about it? What do YOU think about it, pal? Do you even comprehend the history and significance of tattoo culture?” began Rollins with his trademark intensity. “Anywhere you go — and I should know, I mean, I’ve been everywhere. Just in the last two weeks, I’ve been to the Philippines; Croatia; Rutherford, New Jersey; and Stalingrad, metaphorically speaking, and in all those places, the one constant… oh, and Portugal… the one constant, no matter where I am, would be a guy coming up to me like, ‘Oh, yeah, but what about Rollins Band, duh duh duh,’ and I shut it down right there. I get in his face, like, ‘No, PAL! You don’t tell me about Rollins Band. I tell YOU about Rollins Band!’ And then I just blow his mind and leave him there like, ‘Whaaa?’

Vaughn was later spotted replacing the spikes on his denim vest with more sensible and professional looking studs, adding, “It’s time to put away childish things.”

D&D Party Prepares for Yet Another Battle With How Much Their DM Sucks

Posted on August 5, 2020 by Joe Tilleli

BOULDER, Colo. — A group of friends playing Dungeons & Dragons faced yet another encounter with the most difficult recurring villain in their campaign — the Shitty Dungeon Master.

“Fighting against the Shitty Dungeon Master is incredibly difficult because you really can’t prepare for it,” said Lisa Smith, the party’s paladin. “Last time we fought him, the monster cast fireball at me. Normally a devastating spell, but my armor was resistant to fire damage. When I mentioned that, the Shitty Dungeon Master said, ‘Oh wait, nevermind. I cast lightning bolt instead.’ It’s crazy overpowered that the Shitty Dungeon Master can just rewind time like that and retcon decisions in its favor, but hey, that’s D&D.”

The Shitty Dungeon Master has become an iconic monster in this tabletop RPG, ranked up there with the likes of the beholder and the mind flayer. Having been around since the game’s first edition in the 1970s, it is common for most D&D groups to face a Shitty Dungeon Master at some point during their campaign, and sometimes multiple times per session.”

“That bastard has pretty much infinite tools in its arsenal. We first encountered it when I tried to roll a Circle of the Moon Druid for my character, but then the Shitty Dungeon Master banned all druids after deciding druids are dumb and there aren’t any in this world. It’s wild that our opponent has this level of control, but it’s pretty much a staple of the game at this point.”

Sources confirmed that when combat didn’t work to defeat this enemy, diplomacy proved to be just as futile. The Shitty Dungeon Master would just keep fumbling over its words or telling players to, “imagine I said something intimidating here.”

As press time, Josh Weinstein, who had been DMing their games, reportedly decided to help buff the adventuring party by adding a super strong, super charismatic NPC ally who also happens to be the main villain’s son. Reception of the change has been mixed at best.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

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