BALTIMORE — Local barista Eli McDermott’s home is now completely furnished with the cast-off old furniture of his rich friend following his acquisition of his friend’s lightly-used ottoman, comfy sources report.
“I’m a big fan of that Japanese lady from Netflix who tells everybody to throw shit away,” said McDermott, lounging on a Corinthian leather sofa. “I don’t follow it; I don’t have the kind of cash flow to replace a coffee maker that isn’t ‘bringing me joy.’ But my buddy Clarissa got way into it last year, and I was able to decorate my whole living room and basically got a new wardrobe.”
McDermott’s rich friend Clarissa Harkins explained that giving her less fortunate friends her old crap is part of her activism.
“I believe in direct action to help the working poor,” Harkins said. “We don’t need means-tested neoliberal ideology getting in the way of harm reduction — what we need to do is give our friends our West Elm coffee table that doesn’t create enough negative space in our living rooms. Eli doesn’t even care that some of the furniture is nearly three years old. I feel bad for people like him, who don’t have a fulfilling career and ultra-wealthy parents.”
Punk interior designer Scott Fox claimed the days of celebrating cinder block-and-plywood shelves are gone, and that “old rich people shit” is increasingly the trend for people in their 30s with two or more roommates.
“It used to be that if you wanted to get furniture second-hand, you’d have to buy it at a flea market, yard sale, or just pick something up off the side of the road if there was a sign that said ‘no bed bugs,’” Fox said. “But with the new model of ‘direct thrifting,’ punks and burnouts are getting their furniture directly from their wealthy friends who don’t want to go through the hassle of selling furniture to strangers on Craigslist.”
In related news, Crate & Barrel is reportedly researching “fail rich” technology, which will allow them to detonate small, remote charges in furniture they detect is moved to low-income neighborhoods to prevent sullying their brand name.