There Are Plenty of Good Cops, I Know Several From My Dog Fighting Ring

Posted on by Anna Walsh

I’ve heard a lot of my fellow Americans question the moral compass and general decency of the fine men and women who serve in our great country’s police force. Well, I disagree. As a tax-paying, church-going, mother of two, and third-generation dogfighting ring owner and operator, I can tell to tell you that all the cops I’ve interacted with are real stand-up guys!

I’ll have you know, I had to pull myself up by the bootstraps to get my start in the dogfighting business. As an owner of a small business, I support limited federal government. That way, the out-of-touch politicians in Washington can’t tell me what I can or can’t do with my body, or my dog’s body, or the bodies of any dog that just didn’t want that W.

Even more than freedom itself, I support protecting that freedom. No matter the cost. For me, that cost is letting entry fees slide when Conor, Dylan, and Kyle are coming off a high from a long, skull-cracking day at the office. Sorry, I mean officers Murphy, Kelly, and O’Brien.

The police are a wonderful addition to my community! They always make sure what we’re doing is protected. Plus, they really know how to rile up a crowd. These are real Americans with real American values: a love for spending money, doing illegal shit from a position of power, and bloodsport. I cannot stress how valuable the police are to someone like me.

Your white kids and non-canine pets could not be safer under these boys’ watch and that’s all that matters to someone like me. We have an old, but true saying in the dogfighting world. “All Cops Are Dogfighters. And all dogfighters are good.”

First Release by Newly Formed Metal Band Is Statement Apologizing for Racist Remarks

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CLEVELAND — Recently formed metal band Blood & Soil has forgone music as its first public release, instead issuing formal remarks apologizing for every band member’s previous history of racist remarks.

“We weren’t sure if we wanted to release a single or an EP, or even wait until we have a full album of material before we put anything out,” Blood & Soil frontman Mark Buchanan said. “Then we realized that every member of this band has a history of saying racist things, reposting racist memes, and supporting racist bands, and I’m sure there’s more. We thought the first thing people should hear from our band is that we are definitely not racist.”

Guitarist Leo Dean agreed with Buchanan’s decision to cover the band’s collective and individual asses by releasing the public statement.

“We figured we should get ahead of it with one of those, ‘This is not who we are in our hearts,’ ‘If you were offended by this we apologize,’ and ‘We are learning and listening’ Facebook posts,” Dean said. “Honestly, that says more about our band than any music we could put out. I’m sure photos from that Halloween I wore blackface are going to surface sometime. But in my defense, 2016 was a different time.”

Despite seeing through the band’s blatantly transparent actions, heavy metal historian Kara Ingram Chavez believes this was a smart idea.

“I think we all know what it means when a band tells people they used to be racist,” Ingram Chavez said. “They say things about how it is ‘just songs about history’ and how it was ‘a joke taken out of context,’ then suddenly they have a lot more white, male fans. Most metal bands all sound the same, and this is an easy way to set yourself apart from the crowd and give yourself an identity.”

Blood & Soil is allegedly hard at work on their next apology for naming themselves after a Nazi slogan.

Man Expected to Remember What Happened in Comic Book He Read a Month Ago

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

RIDGEWOOD, N.J. — Local comic book enthusiast Casey Little was frustrated and slightly offended that the writers of his favorite comic books expect him to remember what happened in the last issue that came out over a month ago, sources have confirmed.

“I stopped by my favorite shop where my pull list was waiting for me, but when I got home and opened Venom Beyond #26, I had no idea what the hell was going on,” said Little, who had read Venom Beyond #25 as recently as 30 days ago. “Can’t there be, like, a ‘previously on’ section or something? I went back to the last issue and I don’t remember any of the details in the slightest. I’m constantly juggling the lore of several video games, comics, and TV shows in my head simultaneously. How do publishers expect us to remember these things?”

Gail Townsend, Public Relations Specialist for Image comics, says that this is a very common occurrence.

“We get readers contacting us all the time by email and on social media asking us to recap last month’s issue of DIE!DIE!DIE! Because they can’t remember what happened,” Townsend said. “Many say they forget story developments as soon as they finish the issue. Most Deadly Class fans have a hard time remembering what the entire series is even about.”

While most fans suffer silently when trying to retain the latest plotlines, some shop owners try to assist their customers as best as they can.

“I like to print out the plot section of the book’s Wikipedia entry and put it like a bookmark in the issue,” said Faith Kim, owner of Comic Pavillion. “But most of my regulars don’t even have the attention span for that. I’ve offered to buy people’s unread collections for their trouble, but most of them hilariously expect these books to skyrocket in value someday.”

After several more attempts to understand what’s going on in Venom Beyond #26, Little says he’s given up trying and that he’ll just wait to find out what happens when Netflix eventually adapts the series.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Valorant Player a Disappointment to All His Friends in Real Life Too

Posted on by John Danek

GREENSBORO, N.C. — Local gamer Harry Olsen continues to frustrate his friends with a total lack of awareness and poor decision-making both in Riot Games’ Valorant and in his everyday life, exhausted sources have confirmed.

“I don’t understand what everyone is getting so angsty about. How was I supposed to know Phoenix’s flashes don’t exist to beneficially brighten your teammates’ monitors?” protested Olsen, who has been unwittingly removed from multiple group texts. “Sorry, I’m in a terrible mood today. My roommates are pissed because I ordered pizza for us over and just assumed they had cash to pay for it. You would think after multiple instances of this happening, they would start going to the ATM ahead of time to anticipate our pizza needs.”

Even Olsen’s longtime best friend and neighbor Bess Walsh, who has known Harry Olsen since they were in elementary school, questioned the point of continuing their relationship.

“I’m not sure why we’re even still friends. I guess because our dads are friends? But every time I watch him shoot Sova’s recon bolt out of bounds or forget to feed my cat when I’m away, I second-guess everything that’s brought me to this point in my life. How many times can one person pick up the spike, then forget they have it two seconds later?”

Group therapist Dr. Dorothy Spano has noticed an increase in friend groups seeking group therapy for Valorant-based issues.

“It used to be that private group therapy was limited to dysfunctional families or Metallica,” explained Dr. Spano, whose practice has grown with an influx of eSports teams and MMORPG clans. “But now we’re seeing the strain that online games can have on real-world relationships due to miscommunication, lopsided responsibility sharing, and bush-league n00b shit. Like killing your own teammates because you’re trying to pull off sick jumps with Raze’s rocket launcher. Just stop it. You’re only going to get 200 Reddit karma for a clip like that anyways. Is that really worth risking your friendships or your teammates’ ranks?”

When asked for comment about his son’s character, Olsen’s own father grumbled that he had no idea what the hell Valorant is, but that Harry “always ran to third base instead of first.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Opinion: I Actually Do Want to Die, Just Not for the Economy

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Life is meaningless, our world is in flames, and all hope is futile. But just because I’m dead on the inside does not mean I should have to die for real by going back to my job bartending at Applebee’s during the eye of a pandemic.

Usually, I’d love a scenario involving widespread confusion, hazard, and death. I am completely on-board for dying in the following scenarios: alien invasion, apocalyptic volcano eruption, massive cattle stampede, or werewolf uprising. But dying for the economy? I’ve had many fantasies of my own death and the only one that involved the economy was a bank heist gone wrong.

2020 hasn’t exactly done wonders for my mental health. I’ve always been depressed. A tortured genius. A brooding soul. I’m very poetic. Have been ever since I turned 12 and heard my first Joy Division song cover by Fall Out Boy. However, despite my desire to experience the sweet release of death, I also promised myself that I wouldn’t go out for some normcore bullshit.

If I wanted to die for the economy I would’ve just enlisted in the army.

It’s all such a waste. Existence in general, but this situation, specifically. My untimely demise was going to be mysterious and poetic. It should have involved a betrayed love, an unexplained disappearance in the mountains, a cryptic letter, maybe even a satanic cult. Nope. Instead, my death will likely involve strawberry daiquiris and loaded potato skins. As I draw my final breath, “Drops of Jupiter” by Train will probably be playing.

Technically my governor is sentencing me to death, which almost sounds pretty cool for a second. But if my elected officials want to kill me, the least they could do is show up at my door with a gun or a knife and do it themselves. Cowards. Even better, they could bring a guillotine! Most of my death ideations actually involve guillotines, especially the bank heist one.

But sending me back to work to get respiratory failure all so you can keep the crank turning on the capitalist meat-grinder? Hell no. I’ve always wanted to be a to exist as a disembodied spirit, but I swear to God if I have to spend an eternity haunting this Applebee’s, I’m ghost-pissing in everybody’s spinach and artichoke dip.

FBI Agent Praying He Doesn’t Get Assigned to TikTok Unit

Posted on by Billy Patterson

WASHINGTON — FBI Agent Raymond Kesler is desperately hoping to avoid assignment to the Bureau’s newly formed TikTok surveillance unit, which would involve following users on the social media platform’s claims of subterfuge.

“Please, God, don’t make me do this,” murmured the veteran intelligence specialist, deliberately avoiding eye-contact as his boss walked by. “I know the kids on TikTok are getting political now, and someone has to monitor their activity and dampen their activism, but please don’t let it be me. If I have to spend my days combing through hours of dance videos, half-assed pranks, and the least funny people on the planet doing impressions, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’d rather watch terrorist beheadings.”

Kesler’s sentiments are not uncommon within the department, according to Deputy Director Donna Mell, who is in charge of compiling the roster for the special TikTok unit.

“Nobody wants to go anywhere near this one,” said Mell. “I’ve got guys who have gone undercover in the mob, assassinated politicians, and spent the night in Area 51 with nothing more than a flashlight, and they’re terrified at the thought of monitoring TikTok. All week they’ve been bringing me coffee and offering to do my paperwork because they know I’m the one who decides if they’ll spend the rest of their career writing pro-capitalist comments on a 12-year-old’s lip sync video.”

TikTok may be a new issue for the FBI, but former agent Gary McCloskey noted that surveilling internet culture has been an undesirable assignment in the Bureau for decades.

“Back in the ’90s, we had to patrol thousands of message boards, scanning obscure music discussions and ‘X-Files’ forums for anything suspicious. And it was hard work — kids were coming up with slang terms and acronyms faster than our linguistics team could decipher them,” McCloskey recalled. “Then I got shipped over to the YouTube unit and spent a decade analyzing teen culture for radical elements. It was miserable. The fact that I even know what the ‘cinnamon challenge’ is makes me question why I ever got into this business in the first place.”

At press time, after learning that he had officially been chosen for the TikTok task force, Agent Kesler hastily began making copies of classified documents that he could trade to the Russians in exchange for asylum.

Racist JRPG Fan Casts Heal on Entire Party Whenever Black Character Injured

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

BOSTON — Offending his viewers by asserting that all of his characters’ hit points matter equally, JRPG enthusiast and known racist William Jepsen came under fire this week while streaming Final Fantasy XIII after repeatedly casting Curaja to heal every party member whenever the party’s lone black character, Sazh Katzroy, became injured.

“Everyone in my stream gets mad at me when I do this because they say it’s unfair to waste actions on totally healthy white characters,” said Jepsen, while casting yet another unnecessary Curaja spell costing additional ATB points that could have been used to just heal Sazh more effectively when he needed it. “See? Look! Sazh isn’t the only one in danger, Vanille just got hit for 15 points of damage. Luckily she’s alright because she’s wearing the most expensive set of armor I could afford, but I’d better cast Curaja again just to be safe.”

“All characters matter,” Jepsen said to angered fans. “Especially the ones who don’t currently need healing in any way.”

Viewers quickly began unsubscribing from Jepsen’s Twitch in protest of his actions.

“As if the FFXIII thing wasn’t bad enough, he did it again when he streamed Final Fantasy 7 Remake, which I think he did to purposely antagonize people further,” said Kailey Bauer, a former viewer. “At first I thought it was just strategy because Barrett works well as a tank in that game, but then the only way he’d ever recover Barrett’s HP was by using the Pray materia which heals everyone. Then when people started complaining, he equipped Barrett with a Barrier materia and said that he should learn to pull himself up by his bootstraps. He really deserves to lose all of his followers for this offensive behavior.”

At press time, Jepsen had caused even further controversy by refusing to stream Astral Chain due to its portrayal of police officers being injured.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

How I Got Promoted From Regular Police to Secret Police After Several Misconduct Allegations and Administrative Leaves

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Few people know this but it’s incredibly easy to become a cop. Hell, it’s easier than becoming a middle school gym teacher, but hey, we can’t all land our dream job. My precinct straight up handed me a badge and gun one day after I demonstrated a few moves I learned from watching some COPS. Not the TV show; specific police officers who happened to be beating my neighbor into a coma. They were the ones doing the hiring, so watching them and doing nothing certainly paid off.

Being a cop was pretty cool for a few years but all the while I toiled away, quietly dreaming of being promoted to the coveted “secret police.” A magical department with ultimate authority and no accountability. No reprimanding. No consequences. Just freedom to do the bidding of our dear leader. Like the Gestapo, but different, in that it’s somehow even more Gestapo-y.

Fortunately, through hard work and perseverance, I skirted the few laws we pretend to abide by, dishing out every extra bit of excessive force possible. With every handcuffed and fully restrained suspect who “accidentally” died in my custody or every sex worker I coerced into sex in exchange for letting them go (which I never did, by the way. It’s a thin blue line, after all), I knew I was one step closer to living that sweet, sweet life. That S.S. life.

Finally, after several performative warnings and fully paid administrative leaves later, I finally got my big break and received the call that I was being promoted to Trump’s secret Nazi police force. Sorry, I mean Trump’s Nazi police force. The dream job!

Maybe it’s the surge of unmitigated power talking, but I feel like I could lift a car and throw it at a mother breastfeeding in public. In life, you have to aim high and keep grinding until you make it. I guarantee you, too, can have a rewarding career of violently obstructing the rights of your fellow citizens.

B.C. Rich Guitars Expands Business to Pointy, Blood-Soaked Clarinets

Posted on by John Danek

LOS ANGELES — B.C. Rich, a company famous for making electric guitars popular in the heavy metal music scene, will expand into manufacturing classical instruments, beginning with a line of bloody, dangerous-looking clarinets.

“B.C. Rich is a name synonymous with pointy guitars, faux blood finishes, and awful tone, and we are excited to finally bring these qualities to the woodwind family,” said spokesperson Lisa Carmichael. “We realize that no one has sincerely wanted a B.C. Rich guitar since about 1989, but those classical nerds are gonna shit their pants when they see these in stores. Just like how every thrash band worth their weight has at least one B.C. Rich guitar on stage, so will every badass orchestra cranking out Debussy’s Impressionistic bangers.”

A member of the London Symphony Orchestra has already entered into an artist agreement with B.C. Rich’s new endeavors.

“I started playing clarinet in grade two, but I always wished I played guitar,” recounted LSO first chair clarinetist Eugene Melnik. “People assume I love Tchaikovsky and Bach, but you can find me playing Slayer or Venom in my spare time. It’s nice that I finally have a pointy, uncomfortable clarinet that reflects my personality. The best part is the reed is printed to look like the tongue of a demon — sure, it’s hard to play and heavy and sounds like ass, but it scares my symphony-mates. Worth it.”

Longtime B.C. Rich endorsee and Slayer guitarist Kerry King shared thoughts on the company’s expansion into other instruments.

“I was a B.C. Rich artist for over 20 years, but our relationship soured when they wouldn’t make me a signature guitar that said, ‘Suck poop, God!’ and had brown stains all over it,” explained King. “So I’m not surprised they have to get income from non-guitar sources now. They better not steal my idea of making these clarinets smell like rotting corpses.”

A leak at B.C. Rich revealed that phase two of their expansion will unveil new sharp, spike-covered trumpets that weigh 24 pounds and don’t fit into any existing cases.

Zoom Cast Reunion of Geico’s ‘Cavemen’ Raises $17 for Charity

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — The cast of ABC’s 2007 television show Cavemen reunited for a Zoom table read of an unaired episode raised $17 for the American Civil Liberties Union, according to three people who caught the livestream.

“I gotta be honest, I thought a few more people would show up,” said comedian Nick Kroll who reportedly played one of the Cavemen in the Geico show. “I get that people didn’t like the show when it aired, but I’m pretty famous now! Maybe I should have gotten Mulaney to do a part. It’s not like people would have known that he wasn’t in the original show.”

Similar to other shows that have held Zoom table reads for charity, the cast of Cavemen read the script of an unaired episode, episode 8, which would have been released one week after the show was canceled.

“When I clicked, I thought it was gonna be some cool Big Mouth thing or whatever,” said viewer Anna Hunt. “Instead I got some weird caveman metaphor for… black people? I don’t know what was going on, but I was uncomfortable, so I donated $15 to make myself feel a little better about it. Nick threw in an extra $2, which I thought was cool of him.”

“Another weird thing,” Hunt added, “was that I couldn’t tell if people were in their costumes as cavemen or if that was just their quarantine look. We live in shitty times.”

According to those who watched the livestream, it was abruptly cut off 40 minutes into the read, due to no one purchasing a Zoom subscription.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: