Depressed Dog Can’t Even Finish Pile of Vomit

Posted on by Dom Turek

CHESAPEAKE, Va. — A local dog was left anxiety-ridden and unable to finish his pile of vomit yesterday after being abandoned at home by his owner yet again, sources close to the issue allege.

“Usually I like to eat every ounce of my puke while it’s still warm immediately after it comes up, but who could eat at a time like this?” asked Shadow, a poodle-mix rescue. “I don’t know if it’s just my avoidant attachment style talking, but every time he leaves the house, I know it’s for good. He grabbed his phone, keys and wallet, and told me he’d be back in a minute… and that was two days ago, I’m sure of it. Most canines can only go two to three days without water before succumbing to kidney failure. I don’t see the point of anything anymore.”

Despite Shadow’s melancholy state, his owner, Lucas Wagner, claimed that his dog is simply being “over-dramatic.”

“I was gone for 45 minutes,” said Wagner, carrying a bag of groceries into the house. “Where the hell is the carpet cleaner? We don’t even have a yard. How is he eating all this grass? I swear, every time I leave the house for more than 10 minutes, he thinks I’m never coming back and gets sick, and it always gets on my socks. And don’t even get me started on the bathmats. I heard having a dog is a good mood elevator, but I did not sign up for this.”

Wagner’s come-and-go-as-you-please attitude is “nothing new” according to Shadow, and has left the pup with severe abandonment issues.

“Sometimes I think it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if he left and never came back,” said Shadow, pushing the half-digested pile of grass and kibble around with his nose. “Just last week he pretended to throw my ball — the thing never even left his hand. I’m sorry, but that’s gaslighting. Just because I’m a rescue doesn’t mean I’m damaged goods.”

At press time, Shadow was mentally preparing his written will and testament as Wagner tied his shoes to go check the mailbox.

Four Out of Five Beers Agree: I Should Send This Text to My Ex

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Whenever I have important life decisions like this “u up” text I have ready to fire off to my ex, I make sure to consult peer-reviewed and accomplished experts before doing anything foolish. Unfortunately, they were unavailable at the time of this bar closing so I consulted a bunch of beers.

After soaking in the guidance of these behavioral specialists, the results were pretty much unanimously in favor of smashing that send button and quite possibly following up several more times just to make sure. But don’t ask a dum-dum like me. Here’s what the professionals had to say!

Beer #1: Hard Pass
“I would strongly advise against reaching out to her. The last couple dozen attempts garnered no response whatsoever, which is a clear sign it’s time to move on.”

Beer #2: But Maybe, Yeah?
“Allow me to play devil’s advocate. What if the reason she hasn’t responded is because she simply hasn’t seen all of your previous texts? Maybe text her real quick just to make sure they arrived safely. I’m sure she’ll say, ‘sorry, just seeing these now’ just like you do three days after first seeing a message you didn’t feel like responding to.”

Beer #3: Hear Me Out, Send It
“In my opinion, she’ll definitely want to know what you thought about the ending of that one show she used to watch while you sat next to her on the couch staring blank-faced at your phone during major plot points. Was it Ozark or the Party of Five reboot? Doesn’t matter. Send that text anyway.”

Beer #4: Hit, and I Can’t Stress This Enough, Send
“Maybe it’s the alcohol talking, but I think her breaking up with you over your reckless drinking was just a test that I’m pretty sure you’ve totally passed with flying colors. One quick text will show her that you’re a changed man and maybe she’s finally ready for that threesome you suggested a while back.”

Beer #5: Fuck Yeah
“Just send that shit so you can move on and make pizza bagels already. Then maybe think about all the ways you could’ve been a better human being and supportive partner in the relationship so you can learn for future companions. Just kidding! Do some shots and pass the fuck out instead.”

Punk Bed & Breakfast Requires That You Bring Both

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

PORTLAND, Ore. — A new, punk-themed bed & breakfast that offers the “luxury of living like a real life punk” requires that renters bring their own beds and breakfasts, according to an online listing.

“We are supplying the house: we shouldn’t be expected to provide you with food and comfort as well. You have full access to the shower if you can figure out how to turn it on… I just wouldn’t touch the bar of soap that’s in there,” said owner Mark Conner. “We’re selling an experience here. The house dog will sleep next to you — she has a couple of skin issues, so you won’t want to actually touch her — and there are a lot of cats that come and go as they please, so that adds to the fun. Also, any booze that you bring remains ours when you leave.”

While travelers were interested in the unique space, they report finding the whole ordeal confusing.

“I wanted to relive some of my 20s, and staying at that house reminded me how happy I am to be in my 40s,” said patron Hazel Garza. “I didn’t bring my own toilet paper, so they suggested I go to the gas station down the street and steal some. But the hardest part was finding the damn place: In the address line it just read, ‘Ask a punk,’ and then mentioned that no cops are allowed. I will say, though — the loud music playing all through the night was very authentic.”

Longtime punk business owners applauded the B&B for its DIY approach to the hospitality industry.

“Seems perfectly normal to me,” said Jared Armstrong, owner of the punk music venue The Dive. “Every person who stays at the house gets two drink tickets, good for orange juice or coffee in the morning. Also, if someone staying there gets five of their friends to stay there as well, then they’re first in line for the house’s one bathroom. Honestly, the house is probably losing money on this deal.”

The punk B&B is fully booked for the next three months, but owners say interested visitors are welcome to crash in Craig’s bed while he’s out of town or put up a tent in the backyard.

Report Reveals U.S. Military Spent 1.5 Trillion on Outdated and Dangerous ROFLcopters

Posted on by Peter Casciato

WASHINGTON — A shocking new investigation into U.S. military spending has revealed that the Pentagon is still pouring billions of dollars into the decades-old ROFLcopter program, despite the model being both outdated and unfit for combat.

“When we first started the ROFLcopter program, the goal of the US military was to make sure that all the Iraqi base are belong to us,” said retired U.S. general David Petraeus. “To that end, it  was imperative that we had a helicopter that was capable of going SOI SOI SOI SOI. Quite frankly, any criticisms of the military budget during that time makes me LMFAO.” 

While ROFLcopters saw action in the early stages of both the Afghanistan and Iraq war, they were phased out of combat after a series of accidents, mostly stemming from the unstable aerodynamics of the unique “LOL” shaped tail rotor. 

Despite the fact the ROFLcopter hasn’t seen combat since the Iraq War troop surge in 2007, The Pentagon is still funding research and production of new models. This has led to outrage among Democrat members of Congress, who are calling the program a “boondoggle” and an “epic fail.”

This isn’t the first time that the Pentagon has spent taxpayer dollars on unreliable meme vehicles. In the 1940’s and 50s, millions were invested into developing Happy Plane, which was designed to be able to “kill you and everyone you love.” However, the program was scrapped after the scouter said that the plane’s power level was under 9000.

The Pentagon says that in response to the outcry following the investigation, it plans on shifting the money from the ROFLcopter program into other spaces within its R&D division.

“America needs to stay on the cutting edge of meme technology,” the Pentagon said in a written statement. “That is why we will be investing over $800 million dollars next year on developing a new line of Apache Attack Helicopters for our more transphobic soldiers to have a second joke on the battlefield.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Divorcing Couple Agrees to Joint Custody of Raymond

Posted on by Ben Friedman

RIDGEWOOD, N.J. — After hours of mediation, divorcing couple David and Sophie Keller have finally found middle ground as they have agreed to share joint custody of Animal Crossing villager Raymond, sources close to the couple have reported.

“I created this island as an escape from this marriage, and one day without asking, Dave just made a character and pitched his goddamn tent while I was sleeping,” said Sophie Keller. “I was saving that spot for a garden, but of course he never asks permission. He just does whatever he wants. I’ll give that asshole credit for one thing, and that was inviting sweet little Raymond to my — sorry, our — island. But that doesn’t change the fact that Ray and I have a special bond, which is why he only comes to me to learn new catchphrases.”

According to those familiar with the situation, David Keller remained adamant throughout the mediation that he only has Raymond’s best interests in mind.

“She’s clearly trying to keep Raymond away from me and fill his head with her own ideas,” said a frustrated David Keller while angrily placing furniture items into his pockets one by one. “I’m the one who ventures out to the islands each day to mine resources while Sophie just sits around planting and replanting flowers. Also, is anyone even going to acknowledge that the Switch and literally every game installed on it is mine? Why would I walk away and turn that over to her?”

The family’s attorney, Ross Johnston, says that after hours of mediation, an agreement has been made. 

“Keller Island, along with Raymond, will be transferred to a Switch Lite which the parties will exchange to each other at the Grover Cleveland Rest Area on the New Jersey Turnpike every Friday evening,” said Johnson. “Neither party may download any other games onto the system, and both parties must contact a mediator should they want to change Raymond’s catchphrase or offer him clothing. I can’t believe anyone would spend $900 establishing these rules over a $60 game, but there you have it.”

As of press time, the couple once again came to an impasse as they could not agree on which would be forced to hold onto Pietro.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Bic Lighter Still Hoping to Find Forever Home

Posted on by James Knapp

CAMDEN, N.J. — A green Bic lighter still hasn’t given up hope that it will one day no longer be absentmindedly pocketed by stoners and cigarette smokers and settle into a permanent home.

“It can be pretty rough not knowing whose beer-soaked jeans you’re going to wind up in each day. Over half of my fluid is used up, and I’m still just drifting from one place to another,” said the lighter, lying motionless next to a cashed bong on its current owner’s coffee table. “I’ve had a pretty wild journey, and I’ll admit it’s been exciting… but now all I really want is to be adopted by a middle-aged professional who will only use me to light scented candles around their bathtub. Someday I’ll get there… someday.”

Current owner Tim “Skuzzy” McFadden attempted to explain how he came to be in possession of the lighter.

“I found that thing in my pocket about four days ago after I got back from a kegger at my friend Caleb’s house,” said McFadden, completely obscured by a cloud of cannabis smoke. “It works fine, but I usually prefer the blue Bics — everyone knows they’re good luck. Whatever. I’m gonna go camping this weekend and eat some edibles, so I’ll probably end up with a different one by Monday anyway. I wonder who buys these things?”

Amy Brown, founder of the awareness group Lighters Are People Too, advocated on the lighter’s behalf.

“It’s tragic, the amount of abuse these poor ignition devices suffer. Many have permanent scars from when some thoughtless individual carelessly dropped them on the sidewalk or used them to pry off a bottle cap,” Brown explained. “Bic lighters need to be treated with compassion, and I will do everything in my power to find this one a forever home where it can rest undisturbed in a kitchen drawer until the next time its owner’s electricity goes out.”

The lighter was last seen standing up on a moonlit windowsill, softly singing, “Somewhere Out There” into the night.

Limp Bizkit Releases Chocolate Starfish and Hot Dog-Flavored Vodka

Posted on by Tyler Dark

LOS ANGELES — Nü-metal darlings Limp Bizkit have worked with a local distillery to release their own exclusive, officially-licenced Chocolate Starfish and Hot Dog-flavored vodka, according to a press release.

“With this year being the 20th anniversary of the album, we wanted to do something special,” Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst said. “A lot of work went into deciding the flavor profile: we spent weeks deciding between Belgian and Swiss chocolate, choriaster and spinulosida starfish, Ball Park Franks and Hebrew Nationals. But we finally ended up with the nastiest liquor you’ll find anywhere — perfect for when you wanna get your groove on.”

Bartenders and mixologists across the country are preparing for this much-anticipated release by incorporating the vodka into signature cocktails in their establishments.

“It’s been a lot of fun coming up with these new drink ideas,” said Lionel Cartwright, a bartender from San Diego. “We’ve got the Nookie-tini, which is the chilled hot dog water vodka and olive juice in a shot glass with whipped cream. There’s also the Full Nelson, which is three shots of the mixed-blend vodka over ice with a chocolate rim. Two of those, and you’ll be knocked straight the fuck out.”

Having waited nine years since the release of Limp Bizkit’s last album, fans of the band are eager to sample their new product.

“Homie, I’m fuckin’ jacked up for this booze,” said longtime fan Les Schuster as he wiped sweat from his neck beard. “I’m drinking a whole fifth of the chocolate starfish right out the bottle, dog. I straight up don’t give a shit. Fuck it — I’m gonna get my buddies to stick a bottle up my yeah, so I can boof it like a champ.”

In addition to being the drink of choice at any party primarily attended by men over 40 who wear baseball caps backwards, Limp Bizkit’s new vodka can also be used as an antiseptic, in case somebody skins their ass raw.

Report: Guy at Party Not Doing Knife Trick Fast Enough for It to Be Cool

Posted on by Ted Pillow

EAST NORTHPORT, N.Y. — Local teen Roderick Evans attempted last night to do the trick where you stab a knife between your outstretched fingers, disappointing partygoers by moving so slow it eliminated all elements of danger, totally bored sources confirmed.

“It’s pretty embarrassing,” noted disinterested onlooker and fellow partier Amber Murphy. “Nobody wanted him to do it in the first place, but as soon as he walked into the party, he whipped out this kid-sized pocket knife and shouted, ‘Wanna dance, motherfucker?’ Then he pushed a bunch of beer pong cups out of the way, put his hand palm-down on the table, and started very gingerly sticking the knife between his fingers. He thinks he’s so badass, but it’s like watching someone play Russian Roulette with a Super Soaker.”

Evans, a 19-year-old who works part-time at a local beer distributor, is known amongst peers for half-hearted, attention-seeking behavior.

“I’m probably freaking some people out, but I can’t help it,” Evans said while still performing the knife trick, punctuating each complete sentence with a carefully measured stab. “I live life on the wild side. See this scar? I got into a pretty grisly accident after drinking a bottle of whiskey. Fucking blood everywhere and shit — the doctors told me I was this close to dying. I guess I learned the hard way that you shouldn’t drink Jack Daniels on a trampoline.”

The reckless abandon of the knife game, depicted in countless movies, TV shows, and video games, draws condemnation from experts worldwide.

“That knife game is one of the leading causes of ER visits on Friday and Saturday nights,” explained Dr. Carl Wallace of nearby Huntington Hospital. “It is a very dangerous, foolish game. The only saving grace is that most people who injure themselves playing the game do it while going at a very slow, almost pathetic pace. Typically, the patient is a 19-year-old male with a buzz cut and some tribal tattoos, and they usually just have a little nick on their index finger or something. We have these Ed Hardy band-aids we put on their boo boo, and then we call their mom to pick them up.”

Evans eventually got everyone’s attention by running around the party while holding his pinky in the air and shouting, “Ouchies! Ouchies!”

Personal Attack? This Musician Is Better Than Me

Posted on by Jonah Nink

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t think it’s too far off for me to say that I’m a better guitarist than about 99.99% of people. I say “about” because, again, I don’t like to brag. While being a virtuoso has its perks, it also makes you a target for unhinged maniacs who thrive off of your misery. I found this out the hard way today when the other guitar guy at my local Guitar Center started playing better than me.

Fuck you Simon Johnston, regular of the Guitar Center on Halsted in Chicago, Illinois. Way to make it personal, dude.

It began innocently enough. I was in the middle of testing out an especially sexy PRS SE 245 (that’s a type of guitar for all you non-guitarists), when all of a sudden this random guy starts eyeballing a crappy Fender strat on the wall next to me. I knew something was off when he didn’t immediately compliment me on the barrage of sick-ass riffage I was laying down.

My initial thought was that he had never heard a musician of my caliber play before and simply didn’t know the proper etiquette. Then, without any warning, this guy picks up the strat, plugs himself into a nearby amp and starts shredding like I’ve never heard anyone shred before. He had this crazy look in his eyes, which weren’t even pointed at the fretboard. HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE IF YOU DON’T LOOK AT THE FRETBOARD?! At that point, it became obvious that this guy had trained his entire life just to satisfy a personal vendetta against me, specifically.

Things only got worse when one of the employees complimented him on his playing. Instead of giving me a compliment too, the same employee just asked if I was “finding everything alright.” How am I supposed to “find everything alright” when a store I once thought was a safe place for me to jam and not buy anything is colluding with someone hellbent on destroying me?!

I share my story so others can learn that being a better musician than me is never ok. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but playing riffs that I can’t play is a dick move, bro. Ultimately though it’ll be me who gets the last laugh once I figure out the “Smoke on the Water” riff.

Poser at Drive-In Show Has Same Sticker on Car as Band They’re Seeing

Posted on by James Knapp

AURORA, Ill. — Local man Wendell Banks drove a 2013 Prius hybrid to popular power-pop trio Fold-Out Fedora’s drive-in show last night, proudly displaying a decal of the band’s name and logo on the bumper like a total poser, outraged sources confirmed.

“Man, I’m probably the biggest F.O.F. fan on the planet! That’s why I got the sticker in the first place,” said Banks while listening to their CD in his car. “Some people wonder why I would deface such a beautiful machine with stickers, but I see it as a way of letting everyone here, and everyone who sees me on my commute, know that I’m a rocker. And this sticker is fucking vintage — I bought it way back in 2018, and it’s held up through rain storms, heat waves, and a couple blizzards.”

Many disapproved of Banks’ show etiquette faux-pas, yelling at him through the cracked windows of their individual cars.

“Everyone knows you don’t wear the merch from the band you’re seeing at the show. I don’t care if it’s a shirt or a sticker or whatever — this is day one punk stuff,” said Al “the Scowl” Wilson. “Social distancing may have changed the way we have to do things now, but some things are just written in stone. I’m not sure how I can kick this guy’s ass by staying six feet away, so I might just have to back my car into his a couple dozen times and wait for the bouncers to escort me out.”

Drive-in venue owner Alphons Wernerberg shared his thoughts on the blatant display of poserdom.

“Sure, early on in the drive-in business we had sterner restrictions on merch. But this is the first time in over 23 years this place has actually made money,” said Wernerberg, trying to hide a large burlap sack with a dollar sign on it behind his back. “Is wearing a band’s merch to their show a bit tasteless? Undeniably. But as long as that guy paid full price, bought some popcorn, candy, and maybe a large soda, I really don’t give a shit what he’s got on his dumb car. With the money I’m making off these goons, I can afford a new brand new Tesla.”

Banks allegedly also purchased a Fold-Out Fedora T-shirt at a drive-thru merch booth, which he just put on right away like some kind of psychopath.

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