Jeopardy! Resumes Tapings With One Contestant Per Episode

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Filming resumed on Jeopardy! this week, featuring a modified production that emphasizes social distancing, temporarily cutting the number of contestants down to one per episode.

“This has been the best week of my life,” said Emily Parker, the lone contestant to appear on this week’s tapings. “I am not allowed to say anything specific about the outcome until it airs, but it has been pretty nice. I always felt like I could really do well if I got on the show, but I never dreamed it would go this well. I think Alex is a little pissed off about it, but hey, this wasn’t my idea, you know?”

Many productions, from game shows to major sporting events, are doing their best to get back to work and find innovative ways to allow their upcoming seasons to shoot and air as planned.

“This one contestant thing is just temporary,” said Jeopardy! Executive Producer Harry Friedman. “We examined all of our options when it came to ways to safely resume the show. We even thought about getting some robots in here like we’ve done in the past, but the idea of man competing against machine during a pandemic tested extremely poorly, so we went another route. I tell you one thing, Alex hates it.” 

Alex Trebek, who will soon release his memoir The Answer Is…, which details his recent battle with pancreatic cancer, reportedly has grown vocally frustrated at the competitive edge that is subtracted from the game when there is only one contestant. 

“This is fucking ridiculous,” said Trebek, who’s hosted the popular game show for 36 years. “Can’t we get some assholes in here on Zoom or something? I feel like we’re gonna lose our asses if we just keep letting this lady take us to the fucking cleaner all day! She rings in when she knows it and sits there when she doesn’t. This is not entertaining!”

Following a run of traditional Jeopardy! episodes premiering sometime in September, Friedman has also announced that fan favorite Celebrity Jeopardy! will return this fall, which will reportedly feature a week of Penn Jillette raising hundreds of thousands of dollars for charity.

Man In Airport Willing to Pay Anything for Worst Sandwich He’s Ever Had

Posted on by Alexandra Houle

LOS ANGELES — Australian commuter Daniel O’Connor spent $17 out of desperation yesterday during a layover at LAX for the worst sandwich he’s reportedly ever had, sorely disappointed sources have confirmed.

“The protein bar I found in my carry-on and the children’s serving of pretzels they gave me on the plane wore off a long time ago, so I had to find something to eat… and it was between this sandwich, and a $13 salad with what looked like American cheese, so I still think I made the better choice,” a visibly perturbed O’Connor said of the turkey club on white bread he reluctantly chose from a refrigerated area. “But these capitalistic airport cunts are extorting us. Look at this ‘sandwich’ — I’ve seen fresher pork at a cop’s funeral. They’re using my hunger and desperation against me. Do you think I would have bought this thing otherwise? This is a bloody shakedown.”

Los Angeles International Airport employee Carla Williams, who has worked at the airport for the last six months, confirmed O’Connor’s irritation.

“When I told him his order total he visibly flinched, and grew angry when he learned taxes aren’t included in America,” Williams explained. “Frankly, I wasn’t sure if he was going to hit me, but he gave a sigh of defeat and handed me his credit card. It happens all the time, and to be honest, that sigh is one of the only things that brings me joy each day.”

While O’Connor is not alone in his frustration, some take a more positive outlook — that the opportunity to eat overpriced trash may be one to appreciate.

“Well, of course you’re gonna wanna stay away from the pre-packaged tripe they call sustenance. That goes without saying,” said self-proclaimed travel expert Mikela Tanner. “But where else are you also going to drink beer at 7 a.m. in sweatpants without any judgement? Personally, the only other place I can do that is in my mom’s basement when my step dad is away on golf trips. It’s all about perspective.”

In related news, a number of New York Thruway commuters reluctantly purchased lunch yesterday from a service area Arby’s, even though Arby’s hasn’t been in business since 2004.

REPORT: Roger Klotz is a Fucking Cop Now

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

BLUFFINGTON — Roger Klotz, son of famed monster truck driver Edwina Klotz and former middle school bully, is “a fucking cop now with a gun and everything,” concerned but not at all surprised former classmates confirmed.

“I live in Bloatsburg now, but I still come home to Bluffington often to see my parents and check in on my old neighbor Mrs. Dink, ever since Mr. Dink died of brain cancer,” said Klotz’s former schoolmate Doug Funnie. “I was driving down Jumbo Street yesterday when a cop pulled me over — I wasn’t speeding, so I didn’t know what it was about. That’s when I heard, ‘License and registration, Funnie Face.’ It was Roger fucking Klotz!”

“He’s bald now, has a mustache, and put on about 30 pounds, but it was him alright,” Funnie added. “Crazy. I definitely need to tell Patty Mayonnaise about this. You guys know her? Does she ever ask about me?”

Local activist and lifelong Bluffington resident Skeeter Valentine has had several run-ins with Ofc. Klotz.

“A few weeks back, I was attending a ‘Blue Lives Matter’ rally to take a stand against police brutality… but apparently the name caused some confusion, and drew a bunch of pro-cop demonstrators, too,” said Valentine. “A fight inevitably broke out, and as I tried to get out of the melee, I heard Ofc. Klotz scream, ‘Sayonara, Skeetface!’ before bashing my blue head with a billy club. Not cool, man. Next thing I know, my arms and legs are zip-tied, and I’m in the back of Klotz’s police cruiser. Honk, honk.”

While his peers are mostly upset by Klotz’s career choice, retired assistant principal and champion clog dancer Lamar Bone believes Klotz is a “fine cop.”

“Roger was a straight D student, a sociopathic bully, and even repeated sixth grade twice: basically, all the makings of an excellent police officer,” explained Bone. “Maybe he wasn’t the best student, but the police force needs violent thugs like him — otherwise everything would be all higgledy piggledy.”

Ofc. Klotz has since been placed on paid leave after forcing his former high school rival Chalky Studebaker to spend an entire night in Stinsen’s pond trying to catch a nematode.

Opinion: You Have Nothing to Fear If You Have Nothing to Hide and No Basic Understanding of the Constitution

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well, looks like the liberal media is up to their old sensationalist tricks, yet again. First, Trump couldn’t have his personal friend Vladimir Putin help him win the election without it being called “collusion with a foreign power.” Then, he couldn’t detain and torture a bunch of immigrant children without it being called a “concentration camp.” And now, all of a sudden, he can’t send a bunch of federal agents in paramilitary gear to throw his political critics into unmarked vans without a bunch of snowflakes calling it “secret police.”

Don’t fall for these liberal scare tactics. The fact of the matter is that the average, law-abiding American with no firm grasp on constitutional rights has nothing to be afraid of.

Think about it. Why should you be afraid of a secretive militarized task force wearing clothes identical to extremists operating under a deliberately vague agenda and attacking American citizens when you don’t even understand how illegal that is? Why should you care that they are detaining peaceful protesters in unmarked vehicles when you have no notion of the dangerous precedent that sets? You probably didn’t even understand what half of those words meant, so relax!

Do not let these commies and their oh-so-precious amendments frighten you. You only need to be concerned with one amendment. No, it’s not the first one—for the love of God DO NOT read the first amendment—it’s the second one. These liberals are always trying to take your guns away and that’s why they’re out in the streets protesting for all you know.

Look, at the end of the day, there are people who read 1984 in high school, and then there’s you. You’re safe!

If the liberals had their way, our cities would be swarmed with Barrack HUSSEIN Obama’s private army, enforcing his agenda with no regard for the law. That’s why we need Trump’s private army with no regard for the law in all of our major cities, to make sure that doesn’t happen. Or, to make sure it didn’t happen. Look, it’s all confusing. Aren’t you tired? You should fry something, it’s delicious.

Ok, let me put it this way. You know how not understanding the risks of Covid-19 means you don’t have to wear a mask? Same mechanics in play here.

Long-Term Boyfriend Finally Proposes Anal

Posted on by Laura McCarthy

DAYTON, Ohio — Local romantic Colin Novak finally proposed anal to his longtime girlfriend Amanda Hale yesterday at the couple’s favorite tapas restaurant, in front of family and friends following a two-year courtship that survived three cities, four jobs, and one rescue Pomeranian.

“After her father gave me his blessing, I knew the time was right for me to ask Amanda to get down on all fours and make me the luckiest man alive,” Novak said, as Hale’s friends admired the simple but elegant cock ring Novak picked out for the occasion. “And she said ‘yes!’ I was so nervous. I can’t wait for the big day — this is every man’s dream.”

Novak was hardly the only person excited by the big news.

“I was starting to worry he’d never ask,” Hale’s mother Sherry said through happy tears. “Ever since Amanda was little, I’ve dreamt of the day she’d take the big plunge, and now my fantasies are coming true! I’m so happy they’re taking their relationship to the next level — as a mom, a bit of me worried he was only wasting my daughter’s time with vaginal sex and light oral. ‘In-the-shitter, or get off the pot,’ I was about to tell him, but thank God he came around. I couldn’t be happier!”

Friends and relatives were quick to offer advice to the happy couple, with some recommending an event planner so that the two could lay back, relax, and have as pain-free an experience as possible, while others suggested beauty tips and spa treatments to help Hale look perfect for her special day.

“We want Amanda’s asshole to be the most beautiful thing Colin has ever seen,” said Hale’s close friend since childhood Dawn Kim. “When he unveils her right before their union, she’s going to be all perfectly puckered-up for him, just like we always imagined when we were little. It’ll be so radiantly white, it’ll bring tears to Colin’s eyes.”

Though the couple’s proposal was public, Novak and Hale confided to their least judgmental relative that they wanted the happiest day of their lives to be small and intimate, with only a photographer and webcam present.

“In this economy, we don’t want to blow our wad on all the pomp and circumstance,” Hale said. “We’re aiming for an intimate occasion, with just us and a few of our closest OnlyFans subscribers.”

Gamer Dad Proudly Shows Off Son’s PlayStation Trophies

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

AVON, Conn. — Local gamer and father Byron Phelps proudly flaunted his son Bradley’s video game talents in front of the boy’s new girlfriend by showing her a trophy case filled with trophies representing those he’d won playing PlayStation games, a mortified Brad told reporters.

“Oh my god, it was so embarrassing. Before she even had her coat off he took her into the living room to show her my All Will Fall and Primordial trophies from God of War,” Brad Phelps said. “He engraves these for every one I get in a game. No one should be proud of their son’s ‘Rope-A-Dope-A-Dope’ achievement from Arkham Asylum on PS3, that you get just for dropping a tied up henchman on another one. I’m not a little kid anymore!”

The elder Phelps, however, doesn’t see anything wrong with showing off his son’s talents.

“What? A dad can’t be proud of his son?” Byron questioned while adding a newly received ‘The Warrior Monk,’ trophy from Ghost of Tsushima to the cabinet. “I guess he wants me to be one of those mean dads that tells him to stop playing those damn video games. I know I am biased because I’m his dad, but he might go pro one day and ESPN will do a 30 For 30 on him and I’ll be there saying I knew from day one that he was special.”

Bradley’s girlfriend, Gina Garner, was slightly taken aback at the altar to her boyfriend.

“It was neat, but it was hard to act impressed as his dad read off all three hundred and eighty two awards,” she said following an awkward dinner with the Phelps family. “I mean is it really that big of a deal that he placed ten stickers on a pod in LittleBigWorld? I don’t even know what any of that means. Honestly, it was just more of a wakeup call to see how much he played video games.”

As of press time, Byron Phelps has already ordered thirty-five new trophies in anticipation of his son crushing Cyberpunk 2077.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

RPG Quests Distract Player From Hours of Riveting Menu Gameplay

Posted on by Chandler Dean

WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. — After sinking a solid weekend into the RPG Manifest Beyond, local gamer Mallory Cruz began to realize that the game’s elaborate quests were distracting her from what she really came for: countless hours of navigating various menus.

“My favorite part of playing an RPG is the sense of endless possibilities,” explained Cruz, whose favorite menus include Fallout’s Pip-Boy, Pokémon’s Pokédex, and The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild’s Sheikah Slate. “On any given day, I might end up on the skills menu, the perks menu, the inventory menu, or even the stats menu. But those menuplay possibilities are severely limited when you have to engage in combat, follow a story, or explore a rich, vibrant landscape. Just let me get to the good stuff!”

Cruz decried what she described as “narrative grinding,” also known as the trend among gamers to focus exclusively on immersing themselves in the story arc of an RPG instead of looking at numbers on a screen for hours on end.

“It just takes all the joy out of it when you treat a game like a chore,” Cruz lamented. “I don’t understand people who sort of mindlessly invest in characters, strategy, and skill-building, when they could be pursuing true fulfillment: watching your XP go up, watching your achievements go up, and watching the number of energy cells in your inventory go up.”

When reached for comment, Manifest Beyond developer Kelly Mizma outlined how the menus serve as an incentive to motivate players to drudge through intricate gameplay.

“We’ve listened to our audience, and we know that people are tired of suspense, humor, romance, and all the other filler material we have to incorporate to get players from one menu to another,” Mizma assured fans. “But we want to remind everyone that these sort of speed bumps are necessary to make the ultimate menu-staring experience truly satisfying.”

At press time, Cruz was pursuing 100% completion after hearing a rumor that it would result in an additional button being added to the main menu.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Where Are They Now: The Huge Spider I Just Saw in My Shower

Posted on by Ben Friedman

The shower is one of the last refuges in modern society. Only within that 2×4 foot space can you shut out the worries of the world, rejuvenate yourself, and win 100% of imaginary arguments.

So I’m sure you could imagine the surprise on my face when just a few minutes ago, washing the soap out of my eyes when I witnessed a massive wolf spider crawling up the shower curtain, barely eight inches away from me.

And yet here I am now, half-naked with a spatula in hand and the spider nowhere to be found. I mean this dude has vanished. It was literally motionless in the shower like two seconds ago. How can something the size of an iPod just disappear into thin air?

Maybe it left through the air vent! Yes, of course, spiders prefer the dark, damp innards of a 100-year-old brownstone than the confines of the one place where my genitals are most vulnerable.

It probably went down the drain, of course! It’s the closest point of entry, and probably where it – JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THERE IT IS – that’s just my loofa. Word of advice: don’t buy a brown loofah, and don’t turn your back on eight legs of nightmare fuel even for a second. But you can’t dwell on what’s already happened. You can only keep looking and hope to get the jump on it.

Maybe it crawled behind the toilet? No, in the toilet. Oh, my dear spider, you may be the master of hunting bugs and given your size, maybe small rodents, but you cannot outwit the likes of me! I’m a grown man who makes $32,000 a year!

If you’re like me and have clearly underestimated this thing, you may want to grab a larger killing apparatus like a hammer or a gun. I mean it has four times as many eyes, it can probably see me coming from angles I can’t even perceive.

Why would God give such a thing amazing peripheral vision?

Eventually, you just have to take a deep breath and remember that not only are you much larger than a spider, but it’s probably more afraid of you. It’s probably cowering in fear at this very moment, the big idiot!

Yes, I must have scared him off. That spider knew when it was beaten. Just to be safe, let me anxiously check my back ever 40 seconds for the rest of my life.

AOC Becomes First Woman Encouraged to Turn 35

Posted on by Lana Schwartz

NEW YORK — U.S. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez became the first woman in the history of humankind last week to be encouraged to turn 35, the age a U.S. citizen must be in order to run for president, in a watershed moment for women everywhere.

“I know AOC is still only 30 years old, but is there anything she could do to turn 35 sooner? We need her in the White House now — we can’t wait five years,” said Michael Reyes, founder of the AOC 4 Prez Already, Hurry Up PAC. “I already have five different computer hackers on deck ready to change her birth certificate and all of her official government records at a moment’s notice. Seriously, I can call them right now.”

Many pundits speculate that encouraging Ocasio-Cortez to turn 35 may or may not help normalize the aging process for women everywhere.

“What we’re seeing here is really unprecedented. Historically, of course, women have been encouraged not to age, but rather to transform from ‘Baby’ into ‘Sexy Baby’ into ‘Rapping Grandma,’” said Terry Potts-Bailey, professor of Feminist, Gender and Sexuality Studies at Wellesley College and author of “From Out of the Cave and Into the Kitchen: An Exploration of Women’s Roles in Media, as Portrayed by the Media and the Portrayal of that Media.” “It’s difficult to grapple with what sort of ramifications the encouragement of a woman turning 35 might have on the country — and the world, even — or if this is just one very particular, special case. What’s next, letting a woman French-braid her long, grey hair? Trust me, people don’t like that.”

This sudden and ardent support for Ocasio-Cortez turning 35 — and potentially one day getting even older — could possibly change the way young girls are raised, in illustrating there’s a world where it’s O.K. for them to no longer be a “barely legal” teen.

“I tell my daughter she can be whatever she wants to be when she grows up,” said local mom Tara Zakarian. “Of course, I don’t really believe that. But I would like to imagine a world where she doesn’t have to lie on her dating profiles, or ‘turn 29’ for the sixth year in a row — a world where she can have the egregious sex scandal and not have to resign from office. Hopefully that’s what we can expect from an AOC presidency someday.”

As support for Ocasio-Cortez’s potential aging continues to grow, scientists from MIT are researching a gene sequence that would allow her to turn 35, but not age one single day after that.