Help! I Can’t Keep These Decemberists Fans Out of My Lithograph Shop!

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

I live a simple life. I own a small emporium where I sell lithographs to the good folk of this here small seaside town. Even more, I keep a special supply of ankle bearing tintypes in the back for the folks predisposed to more lascivious proclivities. But lately, I do confess I’ve found myself in a bit of a sticky wicket. I just can’t keep these fiendish Decemberists fans out of my lithograph shoppe.

Now do not mistake me, it’s not that I find myself stricken with fear by their presence. Indeed, a stiff wind could send the average Decemberist fan bucket-over, tea-kettle. While they do not obstruct me or my business in any meaningful way, and indeed are wont to occasionally purchase a lithograph or piece of ankle smut, they have also set about the task of staring at me in seeming awe, slackjawed as if they’ve ingested too much of Dr. Bonnefeld’s Toothache Opium.

Moreover, these tweed-adorned denizens seem privy to the most intimate details of my life. Just the other day, a man dressed mostly in scarves asked me if I was the same Aloyisus Tuttleston who had once cut himself free from the belly of a mighty whale, and whose late wife Bronwyn had succumbed to mercury poisoning while treating consumption. I said I was the very same, and the patron, so flustered, lost consciousness (conveniently upon my fainting couch). Upon regaining his humours, I set about querying the fellow as to how he came about these personal particulars, to which the good patron merely provided me with a miniature phonograph record. Whence upon listening, mine ears did find themselves struck with shock, and not simply at the lifelike reproduction of sound!

The balladeer sang lamentations of the tribulations of a destitute lithograph shoppekeeppe, one whose life could stand as a facsimile of mine own. A solitary queer detail set our stories distinct; the bard sang of the shoppekeepe’s violent end in their very shoppe. As I am still alive, I found myself flush with relief at my good fortune. I believe I will commission a sign barring these roustabouts from my shoppe.

Apologies for my peremptory nature, but I must cease this communique, for it grows late, and though it is past business hours, it appears a dark claden figure has entered my shop.

REPORT: Guy You Hated Telling Everyone You Were Best Friends Now That You’re Dead

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

SANTE FE, N.M. — A coworker you loathed with every fiber of your being strutted around your funeral yesterday telling everyone you were “the greatest of friends,” frustrated incorporeal sources confirmed.

“That raggedy bitch. I swear, I came this close to possessing a motherfucker when I saw him wailing and crying at my casket and then reading that shitty-ass poem he wrote,” you said from an astral plane outside time and space. “Now, I’m sure a lot of you must be thinking: as a spirit beyond the veil of death, why would I concern myself with such trivial human matters? But the thing is, this guy is so annoying. You couldn’t walk by his desk without having to make small talk. And the way he chewed gum? Fuck this guy across every dimension.”

Alleged best friend Jeff Dunt took a break from hugging dozens of your weepy-eyed relatives to explain how you and he “enriched each other’s lives.”

“You’d think working in a call center next to someone for six months wouldn’t be enough to form a lifelong friendship, but we just had a real connection, you know?” said Dunt. “Like our inside joke, where I’d say, ‘Hot enough for ya?’ and then they’d make this face like they wanted to slit my throat. I’ll miss you, buddy. When I get to the other side, I hope we can finally get that drink together — you were always so busy when you were alive getting haircuts, visiting your grandmother in jail, or whatever else seemed to come up.”

Toward the end of your funeral, your sister noted a “disastrous experience” in which she tried to contact you beyond the grave.

“I thought a seance was silly, but when the lights flickered and the table started to levitate, we were shocked to see your translucent image materialize… but even more shocked you insisted over and over again you and Jeff aren’t best friends,” your sister explained. “I thought about getting my Ouija board, but at this point, I don’t think it’s worth digging it out of the attic.”

Sadly, Dunt misinterpreted your efforts last night to “scare the piss out of him” as a sign that you two truly were platonic soulmates.

Food and Water Now Exclusive to Epic Games Store

Posted on by Andy Holt

CARY, N.C. — Building on their catalogue of exclusive video games, the Epic Games store announced a multi-billion dollar deal to become the world’s only source of food and water.

“Here at Epic, our goal is to become your one-stop shop for everything you need to be a gamer,” said their statement in part. “We began with the video games themselves, but we’re excited to branch out into other gamer services, like the sustenance you require to survive so you can play more of our video games, like Fortnite.”

Epic repeated the strategy from their recent acquisition of Rocket League creator Psyonix, purchasing full ownership of all eating and drinking before removing it from competing stores.

“Don’t worry—it’s the same food and water you’ve known and loved since childhood,” confirmed a PR representative over email. “However, moving these beloved favorites to our store means you won’t have to deal with third-party providers like grocery stores, farmer’s markets, and loving mothers. You can get all that goodness right here, and engage with it more dynamically than ever before through your free Epic Games account.”

Reactions from gamers were mixed, with some accepting exclusives as the new normal.

“Are they being a little greedy? Maybe, but it’s a profit-driven company, so I don’t really think you can blame them for it,” said local gamer Terry Strick. “It’s not like Valve is any better.”

Epic did not confirm rumors that they will make stale bread and water free-to-play, with premium options like soda and cheeseburgers locked behind a season pass.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Disney Announces ‘Hawkeye’ Show Delayed Due to No One Wanting That Shit, Come On Now

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BURBANK, Calif. — Disney announced today that their Disney+ Hawkeye show has been delayed indefinitely due to issues of nobody really feeling that shit at all.

“You guys know that, like, Jeremy Renner would be the star of the show, right? Jeremy Renner. Just think about that a little bit. Let the image of yourself sitting on a couch binge-watching a Jeremy Renner TV show swirl around in your brain a little bit,” said Kevin Feige at a press conference this morning. “The truth is we could have said we were delaying the show due to COVID-19. Something about having to delay production. But we could have made it work if we wanted to — hell, if anyone wanted to. But let’s be honest with ourselves for a moment and admit that, come on man, no one wanted that shit.”

Despite overwhelming precedence to the contrary, fans were quick to praise the very obviously good decision on social media.

“I’m a huge Marvel-head; I will watch every single thing that Marvel makes, no matter what. So yes, I am thankful that Feige had the heart to not put me through a Hawkeye show,” said one Redditor. “Do you know how difficult it was for me and my family to go through me watching every single episode of Iron Fist? The Defenders almost killed me. I don’t have the kind of self control to not watch Hawkeye. With this decision, Kevin Feige has potentially saved my life.”

Although the vast majority of fan response to the announcement was positive, there are rumors of those who are upset about the lack of Hawkeye show. Researchers, however, have found no evidence of this claim at all.

As of press time, a video of Jeremy Renner’s tearful response to the news received 15,000 Jeremys on the Jeremy Renner app, which is apparently considered a lot of Jeremys.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Depressed Woman Doesn’t Even Bother Looking Behind Shower Curtain for Murderers Before Taking Pee

Posted on by Jimmy Adamson

CHICAGO — Local woman Lilly Choi’s depression has devolved to the point that she has stopped looking behind the shower curtain for murderers before going to the bathroom, a despondent and barely audible Choi admitted today.

“Ever since this coronavirus quarantine shit started, I’ve just been kind of sad and apathetic. I used to be super proactive about checking for murderers behind the shower curtain,” the 32-year-old sales associate explained. “I really didn’t want to be murdered, like, at all. But now? I don’t give a fuck. Go ahead and slit my throat, Mr. Murderer Guy. Can’t be worse than not being able to leave my house.”

Choi’s roommate Janet Tarkarvic agreed.

“She used to be so neurotic — she’d scream, ‘Wow, glad I have this big fucking gun!’ before going into the basement to do laundry. And every night, she’d violently jab under her bed with this giant, goofy sword she kept by her nightstand. But she doesn’t really do that anymore. It’s like she’s given up,” Tarkarvic said. “When we first moved in together, I thought she was paranoid from smoking so much dank weed… but now I realize she just really didn’t want to be murdered. These days, though, she doesn’t seem to care. It’s kind of concerning.”

Even the serial murderer hiding in her shower was alarmed by Choi’s lack of caution.

“I hid behind that damn curtain for like, seven hours the other day. It sucked, especially when she took a huge, smelly dump. See, we can’t technically murder the victim if they don’t look behind the curtain first. Even psycho shower killers have rules,” the hidden murderer explained while he practiced swinging his pickaxe. “Honestly, I hope she gets some professional help. And once she does, I’ll be there to jump out of the shower and brutally end her life.”

Choi was last seen sitting on her couch watching “90 Day Fiancé” and ignoring the inbred man with a hacksaw hiding in her pantry.

Church Used in Metal Music Video Probably Should Have Asked More Questions Before Agreeing

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

ADDISON, Texas — Addison Fellowship Community Church parishioners are lamenting allowing local metal band Cryptic Martyr to use their sanctuary for the band’s new music video “Edge of Carnage,” shocked parishioners report.

“Well, we clearly didn’t do our due diligence,” Pastor Calvin Fitzgerald said while scrubbing goat blood out of the carpet. “The guitar player was in the church band when he was younger; I just assumed they were a Christian band. I walked in for choir practice on Saturday to find topless women in chains doing unspeakable things with a crucifix. That cross was a gift from the deacon! It will never be clean again.”

The band themselves admitted they were shocked the church agreed to let them film there.

“Well, we gave them as little information as possible,” video director and bassist Gordy Willis said. “We said that we needed to use their sanctuary to film a church service, and they signed the agreement right away. It’s technically true — we just left out the words Satanic, incantation, sacrifice, and orgy. They told us they would just leave the door open and to make ourselves at home. At least we put a tarp over the pews. We aren’t savages.”

This type of misunderstanding is actually quite common, according to professional location scout Holly Moss.

“Renting out one’s church for films and music videos is a great way to make some extra money on off days,” said Moss. “Unfortunately, many small churches are naive to the film business and don’t realize just how many heavy metal bands, pornographers, and pharmaceutical commercials want to use the space for… lets say, sacrilegious reasons. It’s a rookie mistake.”

Thankfully, the video itself has been well received in the metal community, and is listed as one of the top 100 metal videos of 2020 featuring a Black Mass.

Woke Sheriff’s Deputy Kneels with Tenants Before Throwing Them Out on Street at Gunpoint

Posted on by Doug Francisco

ELMHURST, N.Y. — New York City Sheriff’s deputy Deandra Washington ceremoniously took a knee with the tenants of a local apartment last night before forcing them out of their home under threat of violence, camera phone footage confirmed.

“With everything that’s going on, it’s really important to practice real community policing,” Washington said at a press conference. “You have to do what you can to connect with the people you protect before enforcing the predatory will of capital on them. It’s a promise I made when I joined the force, and I intend to keep it, both on and off the job.”

Teri Ratner, one of the tenants evicted yesterday, claimed the experience was a bit of a “mixed bag.”

“It was really great to see her kneeling down with us on our porch,” Ratner said. “It shows how much they’re willing to go above and beyond their duties of carrying out the violence required by the state. Which, I should add, she also did really well — my roommate and my dog have the bruises to prove it.”

According to tenants, the eviction proceeded quickly and without incident as Washington never took her eye off the property or his hand off his sidearm.

“I even saw she was wearing a little rainbow flag pin,” said former tenant Jorge Moreno. “It’s nice to know that my few valuable possessions were being hurled into the street by someone who really ‘gets it’ — you can really see how much the modern police force cares about looking right and saying the right stuff. We look forward to seeing this moment shared by countless white middle-aged liberals from Ithaca, and conservative Americans of all ages.”

The house is scheduled to become home to a brand new Black Lives Matter mural, commissioned by Washington in honor of the people who can no longer afford to live there.

We Sat Down With Trumps Secret Police and We’re Not Allowed to Leave

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well, this is officially the worst interview we’ve ever done. With Trump sending federal officers to major cities, we thought the edgy thing to do would be to get in the trenches, sit down, and talk to these guys and get their point of view. We headed to Portland ready to do some good old fashioned journalism. Well, turns out there’s a reason no one really does that anymore. We were mistaken for peaceful protestors, so naturally, we were assaulted and detained in an unmarked vehicle until “indefinitely.”

Yeah, I was hoping to be back at my hotel room smoking legal marijuana and chowing down Voodoo Donuts by now. Instead, I’m tying a tourniquet around my shin and struggling to keep my photographer awake because I’m pretty sure he has a serious concussion. That, or he just really wants to mumble the lyrics to Crazy Town’s “Butterfly.” But if you ask me that’s a real weird reaction to having your head beaten in by the Gestapo.

I don’t know where this side is keeping it’s “good people,” but it sure as hell isn’t in the back of this van, I can tell you that.

Since we’ve been in this van I have heard every racial slur I know and a whole bunch I didn’t. One of these assholes was bragging about hitting a “dago” between the eyes with a rubber bullet. Now I’m just trying to not guess what a “dago” because you can’t guess what new slurs mean without being racist.

I’m pretty sure it’s Danish people, right? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. The point is I’m scared.

I was only able to send in this draft because one of the feds gave me his phone to figure out the camera app he uses to spy on his wife. Oh shit, was it a mistake to make myself useful to these guys? What if they keep me even longer now? What if I’m forced to perform basic tech troubleshooting for the secret police until I die?

Please help. I’m not sure what you can do, I mean when that guy handed me his phone my first thought was “great, I can call the police.” Is there like a police-police? What about superheroes. Are they real? I’ve lost a lot of blood.

Glenn Danzig Somehow Not The Most Ridiculous Singer Of The Misfits

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — Former Misfits vocalist Michale Graves has successfully unseated Glenn Danzig as the band’s most ridiculous vocalist following a recent announcement that he has joined the Proud Boys, sources report.

“It’s pretty disappointing. I’ve really put a ton of time into being an absolutely ridiculous human being — I wear mesh half-shirts and I’ve worn this same, tired long hair and sideburns look for like, 30 years,“ said Danzig, sitting on a pile of bricks outside his home. “I even made a ‘no tan’ requirement for my satanic blues metal band. I mean, I’m a walking punchline. But then this Graves guy comes along and that was that. It’s truly the end of an era.”

While the news of Danzig’s dethroning sent shock waves through the music industry, other Misfits members weren’t surprised.

“Graves was always a loser. He was always babbling on about Republicans being the real punks or some other nonsense. The guy didn’t even want to go grave robbing,” said longtime Misfits guitarist Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein. “It’s too bad, because when Glenn left I thought maybe we wouldn’t have to be so directly associated with a person so clearly out of his fucking mind. But then, here comes Graves and doubles down. I can barely paint my face into a gothic death mask with pride anymore.”

In light of Graves’ unraveling, punk rock experts urged calm and distanced themselves from him, including New Jersey punk scene President Johnny “Resin” Wall.

“Shit, everyone knows that Graves-era Misfits was only for posers anyway. I mean, they took this gritty and dark B-movie thing and turned it into a ‘Spirit Halloween’ commercial. I’m not even sure if I consider anything after ‘Legacy Of Brutality’ cannon,” said Wall. “They got to get their act together — Jerry Only has to do some proper vetting. Hire a guy with some honor to sing about chopping little girls heads off.”

Graves was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy calling people “cucks” on Reddit.

San Francisco Installs Spikes to Deter Homeless People and Sonic the Hedgehog

Posted on by Gabe Wood

SAN FRANCISCO — The city of San Francisco has installed spikes in public spaces and on buildings in order to discourage camping from homeless people as well as adventuring from Sonic the Hedgehog.

“Sleeping homeless people regularly block the sidewalks and the streets are all scratched from Sonic constantly riding his snowboard downhill,” explained City Councilwoman Lori Perez. “These spikes will reduce those incidences while posing no danger to the average San Franciscan, provided they’re carrying a suitable number of rings and can pick them up quickly if dropped.” 

The move to install spikes, however, comes as a shock to many of the city’s homeless population. 

“I just don’t understand where they expect us to go,” said Misha Lunden, who has been homeless in San Francisco for four years. “We can’t sleep in the shelters because they fill up every night, we can’t sleep in the parks because the city put in a bunch of dash pads and loop-de-loops that no one uses, and now we can’t sleep on the streets. I guess they’d rather make the city look like Chemical Plant Zone than invest in affordable housing.”

“They don’t treat the homeless like we’re people,” he added. “They don’t treat talking blue hedgehogs like they’re people, either. It makes me sick.”

Sonic the Hedgehog, who held a press conference to weigh in on the new policy, also expressed dismay. 

“The first time I saw spikes in the city, I thought Robotnik was up to his old tricks again,” Sonic said. “I was horrified when I discovered it was my own neighbors in San Francisco who did this. Let me be absolutely clear: cities changing their architecture to be hostile toward their own people is way past lame.” 

“I mean, I get why they’re installing spikes to stop me,” Sonic added. “I took out two streetcars last time I spin dashed down Lombard. But homeless people trying to get some rest? Just leave them be!”

At press time, protest groups organized marches in response to the San Francisco Police Department’s announcement that they would start responding to calls involving homeless encampments utilizing their new fleet of hovercrafts with wrecking balls.