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Shower Somehow Makes Crust Punk Grosser

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Crust punk Brad DelFino’s bathing attempt brought tragedy to his community yesterday, as sources report the 10-minute shower somehow left DelFino grosser than before.

“I don’t know what the hell Brad did, but we’re going to need a goddamn priest to salvage this fucking bathroom,” roommate Aaron Henning said angrily. “He’s been crashing here for six months and this is the first time he’s used the shower, so initially we were all stoked, because he was getting kinda ripe. But whatever he did, somehow both he and the bathroom were worse: he showered fully clothed, and all the crap on them made some kind of sludge that left this thick coat on the tub. We tried everything to clean it — bleach, lye, even a belt sander — but nothing made a dent.”

“I’d kick his fucking ass if I could stand to get near him,” Henning added.

Reports confirm disgust with DelFino does not end with his roommates.

“I got hit by this ungodly odor like a punch in the face — I thought there might’ve been a chemical spill, or maybe a sewage pipe broke,” admitted local bookstore owner Jen Wallace. “But sure enough, it was coming from the dirty guy who is always playing Woody Guthrie songs outside my store. He was dripping wet and struggling to light a cigarette, and I was afraid toxic fumes coming off of him might ignite and blow the entire block up, so I got out of there as fast as I could.”

 

For his part, Delfino agreed that showering was a mistake and is taking steps to correct his error.

“Yeah, I know I smell like the inside of an asshole on a piece of roadkill during a summer day — you don’t have to keep pointing that out,” Delfino said while Henning hosed him down. “I only took the goddamn shower because I had a parole hearing coming up. I legit feel shitty about this, and hope we don’t have to move out of the house. But on the plus side, my parole officer told me to come back when I didn’t smell like a John Waters movie.”

At press time, Henning had been dispatched to Costco for tomato juice in a last-ditch effort.

Photo by James Webster.

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