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Here’s the Definitive Ranking of the Four Times I Felt Good This Year

Every moment of this waking nightmare that calendars call “2020” has been full of hair-pulling, heart-wrenching, tooth-gritting despair. My friend told me her therapist suggested making a list of the positives in my life but now all I can think of is how none of those positives include the ability to afford a therapist. Fortunately, an ASMR video on YouTube told me the same thing, so here’s the definitive ranking of all four times I felt good this year:

12:31 PM, January 1st – Woke Up
I rolled out of bed and onto the floor onto a big pile of dirty clothes. It was winter so even though there were empty cans and half-eaten pizzas all over the house, there weren’t any ants! The internet had been turned off but the heat was still working. A pretty solid start to a year for me.

11:47 AM, April 2nd – Found an (Unopened) Kind Bar on the Bus
Well, salt my nuts! And here I was thinking rich people and their fancy granola didn’t take the bus. I was on the way to find wifi so I could attend my grandfather’s funeral when I found this little treasure looking for a new home. Now, as far as my wallet is concerned, I’m normally more of a half-eaten package of Donettes kinda guy, so my system was in shock. This is what cranberries taste like?! My parents used to tell me cranberries were only for wanted children. This event marked the halfway point for the number of good experiences I would have in 2020.

2:12 PM, May 29th – Saw a Cool Bird
I knew things were looking up! It was late in May and I hadn’t left my home in two months, partly because of the pandemic and partly because my landlord was gonna change the locks if I left. During one of my hourly wistful window-stares, a cool looking bird landed right on my window sill! I don’t know who he was or where he was going but when that little dude landed outside my window I knew this was gonna be one for the history books. I’m talking red feathers, yellow beak… all the classic bird stuff, right down to the chirping. Damn, that was a good day.

Unknown Time, Unknown Date – Watched an ASMR Video that Told Me to Be Positive
Don’t know how I got down that crazy YouTube rabbit hole or what day it was. I did know that time was not a flat circle, rather, an endless pit that I continue to pray I’ll find the bottom of, head-first. But then I saw a video where a lady dressed like an orc told me the secret to happiness was to write down all the bad things in my life and add a positive spin! Oh, okay, so like last month when I watched an old woman next to me take a teargas canister to the chest. I guess my positive spin would be, “I am happy that I was not hit in the chest with that teargas.” I feel better already!

 

It’s been a rough one, but the year is still young. There’s a chance that something else good will happen. The future is a wonderful mystery and as long as I still have this Kind Bar as a reminder, I know things will be okay.

UPDATE: The bird came back and stole the Kind Bar. Fuck that bird.

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