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Mike Pence Welcomes Substantive Debate with Kamala Harris’ Husband

WASHINGTON — Vice President Mike Pence is looking forward to debating Kamala Harris’ husband, Douglas Emhoff, on key issues impacting American heads-of-household and their wives and children following Joe Biden’s historic selection of Senator Harris as his running mate.

“I have incredible respect for Mrs. Harris. My wife Karen already called to congratulate her and trade recipes, or whatever womenfolk do when they get to gossipin’,” Pence said during a televised address. “Most importantly, I’m excited for the American people to see where Mr. Emhoff and I differ on the issues in our upcoming debate — and Mrs. Harris, I promise to have Douglas home quicker than you can say, ‘Dinner’s on the table.’”

Emhoff confirmed that he and Pence recently spoke on a video call from their respective homes.

“I’d like to thank Vice President Pence for his gracious recognition of Kamala’s impressive record as both Senator and Attorney General for the state of California — accomplishments he kept referring to as ‘part of God’s unknowable and sometimes vengeful plan,’” said Emhoff. “He’s a bit of a strange duck, if I’m being honest: when I casually mentioned Kamala would’ve popped in to say hello but was in the shower, the man literally shrieked, covered his eyes, and ran out of the room.”

According to sources, Harris is furious about Pence’s sexist snub and made her feelings known on a call with the Vice President’s chief of staff.

“We’ll see how Pence feels about wearing a mask after I knock out his goddamn teeth. This Corn Flake-eating weirdo shouldn’t be worried about being in a room alone with me because that’s a sin or some shit; he should worry about me kicking his ass up and down the block,” said Harris. “It’s on, motherfucker — I will disappear that Powder-looking Jesus freak. I’m friends with a lot of cops, and it doesn’t take much for them to get angry. All you need to do is look at them funny and it’ll set them off.”

Joe Biden allegedly also reached out to Emhoff to offer Jill Biden’s help with the housework while Harris is away on campaign business.