The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Grandma Doubling Down on the Racism After Family Institutes “Just Ignore Her” Policy

Posted on August 14, 2020 by Patrick Crooks

MUNCIE, Ind. — Local grandmother Ida Connolly increased the volume of her racist tirades yet again today since learning that her family enacted a “just ignore her” policy, uneasy relatives confirmed.

“We love Nana… it’s just, she watches a lot of Fox News, and ever since Pop-Pop died, I guess she doesn’t have anyone to talk to anymore. So she’ll go on and on about how she hates when people speak Spanish in public,” said eldest granddaughter Sarah Connolly. “Family gatherings got very tricky, so we instituted an ‘ignore Nana’ rule for everyone’s benefit. But now she’s far worse: her casual slurs have turned into outright racist rants to try to make one of us respond.”

Experts note geriatric bigotry is not unique to the Connolly family, as many members of Ida’s generation exhibit the same toddler-like behavior.

“People born in the era where they’re too young to remember the Depression and World War II and too old to be considered boomers represent a uniquely shitty worldview,” noted filmmaker Ken Burns. “They came of age in an environment where conformity was in, and the only lasting memories they have of high school is ‘segregation was good.’ By time the counterculture movement kicked off, they were already settled down and too old to actually go to Vietnam, despite supporting it. Compounding the problem, they instilled a ‘respect your elders’ worldview in their own children that rendered them too meek and helpless to push back and, so, it falls on the grandchildren to handle this bullshit.”

Indeed, Ida Connolly seemed nonplussed about the family policy.

“In my day, we always answered our elders when they called upon us, so they’re in for a surprise if I’m going to keep quiet just because they’ve stopped talking to me,” noted the octogenarian curmudgeon. “The problem is, they coddle these kids. And race mixing — that’s even worse. Someone needs to give them a little dose of how things are in the real world. [The family] only did this because my one granddaughter doesn’t come home anymore after she brought that you-know-what to Thanksgiving. Back in my day, we didn’t condone these things.”

Connolly then insisted, while being taken to her room, that “things would be fine if they just brought back prayer to schools.”

5 Things Only People Who Don’t Wear Masks Will Also Not Understand

Posted on August 14, 2020 by Bobby Korec

This pandemic has been hard on all of us, especially those of us who believe it’s all one big liberal conspiracy to get me to sign up for Obamacare when I’m perfectly happy with the insurance I get through the Affordable Care Act. I’m doing my part as a patriot by making no attempts to comprehend why some dorks stress the importance of covering their germ-hole during a pandemic. I just don’t get it! Speaking of which, here are five other things anti-mask people like me will never understand:

Emotional Intelligence
Every time I walk into a Walmart and an employee kindly asks me to wear a mask, my “fight or freedom” response kicks in and I immediately escalate the situation to a ten. You might’ve seen me in one of those clips throwing a violent tantrum as if I was a liberal snowflake wanting something selfish like avocado toast or equality for all. Honestly, we anti-maskers just don’t understand how to calmly and succinctly communicate the talking points we learned from Fox News. So we belligerently yell them, which we also learned from Fox news.

Science
Some big shot science nerd spends their entire life studying one incredibly specific topic like infectious diseases and I’m supposed to call them an expert? I don’t get it. I mean, I literally learned that masks don’t do a lick of good from a few YouTube videos, which were clearly peer-reviewed in the comment section. Who looks like a fool now?

Empathy
Evidently, you should wear a mask to protect other people??? That’s the same bleeding heart bullshit libs give me about wearing a condom so I don’t spread the raging hellfire that is my gonorrhea. Everyone knows condoms are only 98% effective and sexually transmitted diseases are spread through 5G networks. Plus, my dick can’t breathe while wearing a condom! How about you wear the condom if you’re so concerned with public health?

Data
Does the CDC even have data to support the claim that wearing a mask significantly reduces the rate of transmission? I haven’t checked. Regardless, should we even believe data? Facts are scary. And we all know who controls the facts: Big Science with their secret agenda to spread misinformation like how the Earth is round and that the Sun doesn’t revolve around America.

Teamwork
According to Fauci, if everyone wore masks and practiced social distancing this whole thing would blow over in a handful of weeks. Yeah, but that’s like saying if two students were assigned a group project they should both do their part. But if you read the Ayn Rand Wikipedia entry like my economics professor who told me about it did, you would know that selfishness is the real virtue. I’m just saying, if we were all a little more self-centered we could unite as a country and ignore this pandemic together.

Trip to Japan Booked to Save Money on Vinyl

Posted on August 14, 2020 by Patrick Crooks

CHICAGO — Music aficionado Ryan Moran booked his first trip to Tokyo last week, making the journey to try to save money on his expensive habit of importing Japanese vinyl.

“My wife Denise always harps on how much extra the Japanese versions of albums costs with import fees, taxes and all that, and I realized I could save a shit-ton by just going to Japan, since airfare is so cheap right now because of coronavirus,” said Moran from the waiting room at couple’s counseling. “Yes, this is going to be an expensive trip, but the long-term benefits will be a boon for us in the long run, and the audio quality and album design on Japanese imports is just far superior. Plus, they usually have a few extra songs that weren’t released in the states.”

“Anyway, I’m glad we’re doing this whole ‘trial separation’ thing,” he added. “I don’t need her being grouchy on this trip.”

Those close to Moran claim their friend has officially descended from collecting to hoarding.

“When I told him his wife is calling me nightly, sobbing about your emotional distance and financial insecurity, he said he couldn’t afford not to go [to Japan],” noted longtime friend Adam Trotter. “I told him he was a moron, but then he made me talk to the dude down at Vinyl Visions for 45 minutes and he backed up the numbers. Even so, I still think he should focus on Denise a bit more.”

Audiophiles noted this is a recurring pattern for collectors such as Moran.

“Typically when a marriage, or any long term relationship, between two timid people afraid of conflict hits some stress, they’ll respond by immersing themselves in a hobby rather than deal with their problems,” observed University of Virginia music professor James Kirby. “Record collecting is a natural outlet for this, and some take their collecting to the extreme to avoid addressing sexual hangups or mutual dislike of each other’s friends. However, a true Japanese audiophile would know that CDs sound just as good and are considerably less expensive than vinyl, as I’ve tried in vain to explain to my husband.”

Moran’s wife could not be reached for comment, as she’d locked herself in her she-shed.

Privacy Advocates Warn “Shrek Yourself” App May Be Used To Collect Names and Faces of Americans Who Want to Look Like Shrek

Posted on August 13, 2020 by Kyle Erf

SAN FRANCISCO — Digital rights experts warned that Americans using a hot new phone app to make themselves resemble a popular computer generated ogre may be unwittingly building a database of dangerous information.

“The collection of facial data via the Shrek Yourself application is worrying on its own,” explained Dustin Mayhoff, a lawyer for the Electronic Frontier Foundation. “But the terms of service also give Dreamworks the right to sell any collected information including but not limited to your name, age, address, and whether you’re more of a Donkey or more of a Dragon.”

Shrek Yourself, developed in partnership with Dreamworks by the MagicMechanics digital agency as early promotion for an upcoming fifth Shrek film, prompts users to “Say Donkeh!” and snap a selfie transformed by facial recognition into a Shrek-like green ogre with trumpet-like ears and linen attire.

“Shrek Yourself could be a nuclear-level privacy breach in the making,” warned Mayhoff. “Image data may be sold to law enforcement or military agents to better target Americans via facial recognition AI or Shrek-based propaganda. And the mind races at the prospect of rounding up citizens who desire to look like Shrek or his bride Fiona for some unsavory government research. We’re living in the future, and the future is terrifying.”

The app’s developers were quick to counter any criticism from the Electronic Frontier Foundation.

Said MagicMechanics CEO Ellen Angelopoulos during an open conference call, “I assure you everything in the app is above board. We aren’t tracking on your location, for instance. We only get phone permissions we need such as camera access, internet, file storage, contacts, checking ongoing phone calls, recording microphone audio, clipboard data, and the accelerometer. Just basic stuff like that.”

“These [privacy advocates] need to stop being such Farquads,” Angelopoulos mumbled before hanging up.

While calls for regulation have gained grassroots traction online, all congressional interest in investigating the Shrek Yourself app instantly faded upon learning the app was based in America.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

YouTube Critic Undergoes Plastic Surgery for Permanent Skeptical Face

Posted on August 13, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

GOLDSBORO, N.C. — Popular gaming YouTuber Jeffception underwent plastic surgery in order to have a skeptical looking expression permanently grafted onto his face.

“I was getting really tired of contorting my face everytime I made a new video thumbnail,” Jeffception explained post-surgery. “At some point, I figured it would just make more sense to get a facelift to hold it in place. I can’t wait to show people how incredulous I’m going to look after the next Nintendo Direct.”

Jeffception chronicled his surgery experience in a new upload titled “WORST FACELIFT EVER!?? – BRUTALLY HONEST POST-OP REACTION.” The 15-minute video is accompanied by a thumbnail which features a heavily sedated Jeffception smirking wryly through bandages.

“It took a lot of anesthetic to get him to go under,” said Dr. Norman Singer, who oversaw the procedure. “When he laid down for the operation, he kept saying ‘Yo what’s up guys’ to every nurse. We asked him to calm down and count backwards from 15. Instead, he just said he’d get to that in a bit, but that we should remember to follow his channel first. It took a full 10 minutes to actually get to the operation.”

The facelift led to an immediate bump in Jeffception’s viewership, as curious gamers flocked to see his hot reactions to the latest news. Unfortunately, it had unforeseen consequences to his personal life, as his closest friends said that it has become impossible to tell when he’s being sincere and when he’s being cynical.

“We’ll be talking movies, and I’ll say something like ‘I’m looking forward to Tenet,’” said lifelong friend Louis Bouchard. “And then I look at him and he’s staring at me with this shit-eating grin, like I just said the stupidest thing he’s ever heard. He always has to assure me that he just has Resting YouTube Face now.”

With his face fully healed, Jeffception said he’s already considering a second surgery to get his thumb and index finger permanently stapled to his chin.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

How to Stop Drinking Every Night For Fun and Start Drinking Every Night To Numb Your Anxieties

Posted on August 13, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

There comes a point, typically in one’s late-twenties or early-thirties, when going out to bars every night and getting hammered just isn’t fun anymore. The crowds, the loud music, and the high bar tabs just don’t thrill you as they did just a few years earlier. Now it is time to slow down and take life more seriously and start drinking to quell the existential dread that weighs you down.

Here are 5 tips to help you stop partying every night and start dying like an adult.

1. Find A Dive Bar
Your forays into the nightlife are no longer to live life to the fullest, they are to escape the walls of your apartment that seem to be closing in on you. You don’t want a bar full of college kids excited about everything life has to offer. You need a dark place where no one dare speak and everyone stares mindlessly at the single TV and you can get a shot and a beer for $2.

2. Drink Alone
Or better yet, why even go out and overpay for alcohol when you can just drink all by yourself in the dark until you are too drunk to even flip your Stone Roses vinyl over to Side B and you just listen to the dull click of the record needle until you pass out.

3. Free Booze Is The Best Booze
Why bother to show restraint at weddings, birthdays, happy hours for company’s you don’t work for. These people don’t deserve to be happy, so you should definitely make a scene. If they didn’t want you to start a fight with your cousin they wouldn’t have made it an open bar.

4. You Can’t Smell Bourbon In Coffee
Your boss doesn’t even come by your desk anymore, so why not put a little pick-me-up in your mourning cup? Or better yet, take a flask into the handicap stall of the bathroom for a little liquid lunch. Do you even care if they find out and fire you? No. You really don’t.

5. Claim You Are Doing Research To Open A Distillery
“What with all the empty whiskey bottles all over your house? Oh, you are going to open your own distillery? That’s amazing, good for you!” No one will dare call you on your drinking problem if they think you are following your dream. Just mumble some bullshit about the difference between Rye and Bourbon, no one actually knows.

Facebook Post Has Awfully Long Caption for Pet Who Isn’t Even Dead

Posted on August 13, 2020 by Sari Beliak

LOS ANGELES –– Local man Eric Daniels’ social media post featuring his dog had an awfully long caption for a pet who isn’t even dead yet, annoyed sources confirmed Monday.

“There was this photo of the dog and Daniels smiling at the beach, and then this long-ass post about how special Johnny is and how he’s the best boy that ever was, so I braced myself for some sad shit — I thought maybe the dog got hit by a car, or got cancer, or maybe it ate an entire onion and his stomach exploded,” said former Facebook friend Cale Heller. “Come to find out, the dog is still alive? Nope, not today. If I read some fucking novel and click the ‘See More’ button on Facebook, I better be reading some sad story about how you’re really gonna miss that little fucker. I got taken for a ride. It wasn’t even the dog’s birthday. Fucking garbage.”

Daniels claimed that his caption and photo of the cocker spaniel were posted without any hidden agenda.

“There’s so much horrible stuff going on in the world these days, so I decided to share a wholesome story about my rescue dog helping me out of a dark place,” said a bewildered Daniels. “I figured I’d get some likes and hearts; maybe some people agreeing that Johnny is a good boy… but I must say, I wasn’t prepared for the backlash about how I’d deceived people and tricked them into caring about my dog. It’s not my fault my dog looks incredible in black and white photos, O.K.?”

Social media experts suggest avoiding this uncomfortable situation by prefacing all pet-related content with a short statement assuring followers that the animal is indeed still alive.

“With more people working from home these days, we’re definitely seeing an increase of Facebook and Instagram stories giving props to the fur babies who have helped them survive this difficult time,” said Facebook moderator Liz Kleinman. “But it’s important to remember that a beautiful photo of a dog accompanied by some long-winded post can easily be interpreted as a heart-wrenching screed about how you had to put your baby down, or he finally ate his last piece of rawhide. The point is, we’re all very vulnerable right now, so it’s crucial that any pictures of pets uploaded to social media make it abundantly clear that the animal is perfectly fine — even if you have to lie.”

Kleinman also added that if you’re asking for money to help with vet bills, you should be upfront about it and always include your OnlyFans link.

The True Story of How Les Paul Accidentally Invented His World Famous Guitar While Crafting a Bludgeoning Device for Beating Irish Immigrants

Posted on August 13, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

Lester William Polsfuss, better known by his stage name Les Paul, was a pioneering musician and the inventor of perhaps the most famous guitar in history, the Gibson Les Paul. But what if we told you that Les Paul accidentally stumbled upon his groundbreaking instrument while crafting a tool for bludgeoning Irish immigrants? A recently uncovered diary from Paul sheds light on the guitar’s true origin.

“I never cared for music. I loathed string instruments, and I despised rock and roll,” Paul wrote in a diary from 1982. “But sitting comfortably atop the long list of things I hate has to be those filthy, Irish immigrants.”

Later, Paul explained how he came upon the iconic guitar’s design.

“I chose solid mahogany for it’s unforgiving rigidity. I then added a single-cutaway designed to mangle bloated, Irish noses. And finally, six metal strings to scratch and gouge pasty, freckled skin,” Paul said. “But it was during one such vicious beating that a punchdrunk miscreant exclaimed “oi, you’re getting a proper sound from that wackety stick, eh?” or something similarly nonsensical. It was then I realized perhaps I could do more with my invention than simply murder these flame-haired bastards?”

Paul’s daughter, Samantha Polsfuss, confirmed and elaborated upon her father’s true intentions.

“In reality, dad never learned how to play guitar. However, he thought that by selling his so-called ‘Irish basher’ as a musical instrument rather than a tool for cracking paddy skulls, he could subtly further his message of driving the Irish out of Western society. Unfortunately, his rouse was a bit too convincing, and many legitimate musicians, even some of Irish descent, embraced his guitar for its versatile sound”

She added “It broke his heart to see bog-trotting, mick bastards like John Fogerty and Billy Corgan creating timeless pieces of music on guitars originally designed to put the likes of them six feet under.”

Currently, Les Paul’s original prototype guitar is on display at The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, still stained with blood from several Irish immigrants that he mercilessly beat to death.

Aging Hardcore Dude’s Jane Doe Tattoo Fades Into Misfit’s Fiend Skull

Posted on August 13, 2020 by Bryan Ostrow

BOSTON — 41-year-old Tommy Dawson’s once-beloved Jane Doe tattoo finished it’s transformation last week after years of fading, evolving into its final stage as the Misfits’ infamous fiend skull, confused onlookers report.

“I was in my 20s when I got that Converge tattoo. I was in great shape back in those days: I was skateboarding more, and I could eat a pint of ice cream every night and never gain a pound. But my metabolism and lifestyle changed when I got closer to my 30s,” said Dawson. “Over time my Jane Doe tattoo got itchy, and some of the ink started running out of it when I’d shower. Eventually, I could see the fiend skull under there… which was so weird, because Jane Doe was not a cover up or anything. But as the skull became more prominent, so did my love for the Misfits. I can’t explain it, but the devilock does work with my hairline, so it’s not all bad.”

Tommy’s longtime girlfriend Maria Lopez noticed the concurrent transitions.

“It all started when he got a desk job. He used to work in construction and would be lifting shit all day, but over time, his arms got flabbier and his tattoo started to look a little different,” said Lopez. “I thought that was all that was going to happen, but then he started singing every time the clock turned 1:38, whether it was the afternoon or early morning… and whenever I’d ask what he wanted to eat, he’d say, ‘Brains for Breakfast, Brains for Lunch.’ I guess I should be happy it’s just the Misfits. I think we would’ve broken up if it was the Sublime sun logo.”

Tattoos changing organically into their final form happens often, according to Boston tattooist Jebb Anderson.

“I’ve seen a straight edge ‘XXX’ tattoo grow a bottle around it after a few years of heavy drinking, and I even did a ‘Vegan 4 Life’ tattoo that now reads, ‘Vegan 4 A Little While,’” said Anderson. “I think it’s a way for one’s body to adapt to changing mindsets without limiting bad tattoo choices.”

Dawson is optimistic that getting back into reasonable shape will eventually transform his tattoo into something resembling Social Distortion’s drinking skeleton.

New California Energy Tax Makes You Pay 10 Cents to Open a New Browser Tab

Posted on August 12, 2020 by Stephen Pero

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — A new tax goes into effect for California residents this week that will cost them 10 cents to launch browser tabs on their devices. The eco-friendly measure is aimed at cutting down waste and promoting healthy, sustainable browsing habits among internet users.

Many local residents are less than thrilled with the new restrictions.

“I got our family’s bill this month — $84, just on browser tabs!” said Los Angeles resident Emily Bloba. “I’ve had to remove the ‘control’ key and right mouse button from every computer in the house.”

“Now, I care about the environment,” explained construction worker Paul Bigsby. “But you’d think the energy cost of all this paper is way higher than whatever a browser tab costs. I’ve already got eight pages of handwritten links to GDQ speedruns I’m definitely going to go back and give my full attention to. Like what am I supposed to do, just forget about them completely?”

Despite the public outcry, lawmakers are urging Californians to “reduce, reuse, and recycle” browser tabs rather than consuming them without thought.

“If you think about it, the ecological cost of millions of Californians sending electrical signals from their devices to open up new tabs on a daily basis is astronomical,” energy czar Ana Matosantos explained in a press conference. “It’s extremely wasteful and wholly unnecessary. Just use the tabs you already have open!”

Environmental scientist Brock Stevens echoed Matosantos’ statements.

“For every 15 tabs opened in Chrome, one vital, oxygen-producing plant dies. Soon, the Earth will be drowning and everyone will be screaming, ‘Why! Why couldn’t I just use the same tab for Twitter? Why did I need 5 separate tabs of Twitter running at the same time? Oh god, the acid rains are burning out my eye sockets!’ And all I’ll be able to say is, ‘I told you so.’”

Officials are also reportedly considering policies to discourage gamers from having a mobile game open while running different games on their console and PC at the same time.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

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