Coming Soon: More Video Games and You Like It, Don’t You? You Sick Fuck

Posted on by Andy Holt

Between the Xbox Games Showcase, Sony’s “Future of Gaming” event, and the upcoming release of Cyberpunk 2077, we have a whole slate of new video games to discuss and — wow, look at you. You just can’t get enough. Fucking pervert. Gamer.

Thousands of video games have been released over the years, more than enough for a healthy, well-adjusted gamer to play for the rest of their lives. But that’s just not enough for you, is it? No. Game developers have to work around the clock just to feed your disgusting fetish. And as long as people like you exist, it will only get worse. There will only ever be more video games. You think that’s good? You like that, you little piggy?

Take Microsoft, for instance — last week they announced a bunch of Game Pass exclusives that will make you squeal like the greasy pig you are. Want to get your grubby little hands on a new Halo game? You’re in luck, because apparently we live in the kind of society that is fine with giving that to you. It’s with deep regret that we acknowledge there’s more Forza, too. 

Eat, drink, and be merry, gamers. Lap it up.

And then there’s CD Projekt Red. After denying you release for an extra month, the studio has promised that you can finally get off with Cyberpunk 2077 this November. You acted all upset about the delay, but secretly you liked it — you probably wish they’d made you beg.

Personally, we’re not sure why we even bother with you. You’ll never be satisfied. Your thirst runs deeper than the black void of death into which you will inevitably fall, unfulfilled, still desperate for just one more new video game announcement. 

All we can say is that we hope you get help before Elder Scrolls VI comes out. The clock is ticking. Get yourself together before it’s too late. And subscribe to our newsletter for more news about video games.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Upcoming Baby to Be Voiced by Troy Baker

Posted on by Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga

ELMONT, N.Y. — Award-winning voice actor Troy Baker will provide the voice work and motion capture performance for a highly-anticipated baby scheduled for birth this fall, according to those familiar with the situation.

The announcement came via Twitter, where Baker posted a selfie in a recording booth holding an ultrasound of the baby still in their mother’s womb. Baker has since expressed much excitement in landing the role of the baby, who is known internally by the codename Project TIMMY.

“When I was approached about Project TIMMY, the script resonated with me immediately,” Baker stated in an interview. “I remember being a baby myself, and how much that part of my life impacted my career. The other day we rehearsed a very dramatic scene during the child’s third birthday where he gets irreparably traumatized by clowns. I’m so privileged to be cast in this role, and you can rest assured that I’m going to be giving it my all.”

The announcement has since seen its fair share of backlash from parents online who believe that an actual baby should be cast in the role.

“Representation is vitally important within the baby community,” said longtime mother and child critic Karen White. “I know that if I were taking care of my newborn during my week or two of unpaid maternity leave, I’d want to hear some really authentic ‘goo-goo, ga-ga,’ sounds, not just some random actor pretending to say those things without really believing them.”

While Baker shared some of these concerns, he says that he’s been hard at work researching other babies to portray Project TIMMY faithfully. 

“I’ve been dedicating a lot of time into hanging out with the lead developers, who I’ve started calling ‘mama and dada’ to get into character and give as authentic a performance as possible. I think longtime fans like the child’s soon-to-be grandparents will really enjoy the script and what I have to bring to the role.”

The expecting parents have since teased a potential follow-up baby to Project TIMMY if the release goes smoothly; producers are already in talks with Nolan North to star.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Metalhead Homeowner Installs Denim Carpet

Posted on by Cory Cousins

SUGAR LAND, Texas — New homeowner and devoted metalhead Eric Bronson replaced the out-of-date shag carpet in his living room yesterday, installing a fresh layer of denim.

“Whenever I walk into my house now, I’ll feel like my face is going to melt off from how sick it looks in here,” noted Bronson while headbanging. “These so-called ‘interior designers’ tried to sell me on hardwood — apparently they thought I was some limp-dick yuppie from poser-ville. I didn’t work every other weekend at Rockin’ Robin Guitar Shack to just accept the stock floor plan all the other lames go for. The Dark Lord dons denim, why shan’t I?”

Bronson’s partner Jenn Haggard, however, is not as happy.

“Christ, I used to think he had good taste,” Haggard said. “Don’t get me wrong, I like metal just as much as the next person… but covering our entire house in denim seems a bit tacky, frankly. I don’t need to prove my metal bonafides by flooring our house with fabric that matches our wardrobes and hides beer stains. I’ll give it three weeks before he changes it to black tile.”

Jonas McHutchins of Sugar Land Carpet Depot agreed.

“I actually think it looks kind of cool, but in practice, it’s pretty stupid,” explained McHutchins. “He just doesn’t grasp how denim actually works outside of pants and battle vests — he told me to rip parts of the carpet to make it look like it just finished crushing posers at a Megadeth concert. I don’t even know what that means. And the acid-washed bathroom is an abomination.”

Unfortunately, after install, Bronson felt the denim carpet was “too on the nose” and resolved that leather would be much more appropriate.

Report: Friend’s Christopher Walken Impression Somehow Racist

Posted on by James Knapp

MINNEAPOLIS — Local jokester Jeff Kessler’s impersonation of acclaimed actor Chistopher Walken last night was met with stunned silence, as it was somehow profoundly insensitive to seemingly every race, shocked and uncomfortable sources confirmed.

“Jeff’s always been kinda the funny guy in our friend circle; he always does goofy voices and stuff like that. But that Christopher Walken impression crossed the line,” said potentially former friend Caroline Brown. “He wasn’t even doing lines from ‘The Deer Hunter’ or ‘Pulp Fiction,’ where you’d sort of expect that kind of thing. I don’t know, I can’t quite put my finger on what it was about the impression… all I know is that I’ll never be able to watch ‘Joe Dirt’ again.”

Kessler responded to concerns of unintended racist undertones.

“Like I’m the first person to not perfectly land a Walken impression. Did I affect Mr. Walken’s voice perfectly? No! But who ever could?” said Kessler. “This has gotten way out of hand — my own grandmother blocked me on Facebook today. Do you have any idea the things that woman has said? Is this really worse than that time she called the Dutch a bunch of ‘windmill-peddling sausage-whores in shit-wood shoes?’ And that was at my sister’s graduation dinner.”

“I stand by my impression, although I do regret adding that limp,” Kessler added. “I must’ve gotten carried away by the moment, and I’m not really sure what that was about.”

For his part, Walken himself commented on the attempted impression, currently being investigated by the Southern Poverty Law Center as potential hate speech.

“I know a lot of people, think they can do what I do… but it takes real, raw talent to sound this… handsome all the time, without accidentally sounding too Greek, or something,” said Walken, emphasizing syllables seemingly at random. “From what I hear, this man, Jeff… he’s just working on his craft, and I don’t see, so much wrong with that. All these naysayers, they’re talking to my guy all wrong.”

Kessler was last seen asking offended individuals, “You talking to me?” in a Robert DeNiro impression that’s already considered a violation of the Geneva Convention for reasons no one can really explain and makes everyone “weirdly uncomfortable.”

Opinion: Ya Know, Stacy’s Dad Ain’t Half Bad Either

Posted on by John Danek

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stacy’s mom is hot as shit. I’ve heard; you’ve heard; the entire world has heard. And they’re not wrong. Nothing captures the world’s imagination like a catchy jingle and some top-shelf MILF. But it’s time to let you in on a far juicier tidbit of knowledge. Stacy’s dad? Well, he ain’t half-bad himself!

Stacy’s mom may have it going on but Stacy’s dad is a silver fox who will let you drive his BMW 7 Series in the driveway if you call him “daddy.”

Look, I know what you’re thinking: “But Stacy’s dad walked out! It was in the song!” Okay, this is true but you’re still a weirdo for knowing more than just the chorus.

Full disclosure: I am not an impartial observer in this story. I’ve been on a bit of a soul-searching road trip, which brought me to a Flying J station not too far from Badlands National Park in South Dakota. I was trying to fill up my tires when the air machine jammed on my last quarter. Out of nowhere, this chiseled, sweaty titan with a pepper-gray beard and traps for days materialized to give the machine a Fonzi-esque pound, in a manner equally suggestive and helpful. The air pump started instantly. There was a palpable sadness in his rugged exterior. Imagine if Hugh Jackman and Brad Pitt impregnated each other. He didn’t look like them or anything, I’m just asking you to imagine it.

Anyways, he saw my Fountains of Wayne shirt and said he was the dad from “that song about Kelly’s mom.” What a coincidence! We ended up talking, eating eggs at the diner, and rounding second base in the back of my Subaru WRX.

Look, is it possible that this was not the actual dad from the Stacy’s mom song? Of course. At this point, it shouldn’t matter. What matters is the joy his memory brings me, even all these years after our encounter. I’ll miss you, Stacy’s dad. Wherever you are I hope you’re doing that thing you do. And thank you to Adam Schlesinger for bringing the idea of the perfect man into all of our hearts. May your memory live on for that, if nothing else.

Defeated Pop-Punk Band Returns to Small Town Whence They Came

Posted on by Ish Gupta

PHILADELPHIA — Local pop-punk band The Dysentery Garys have left Philadelphia, dejectedly returning to their hometown of Botsford, Conn., in the wake of venue shutdowns and show cancellations due to coronavirus.

“This is gonna be hard to read, bros, but we have left Philly,” the band announced on Tuesday in an Instagram post. “We really tried bringin’ you guys that [fire emoji] the last few weeks, but it’s become clear that the scene just won’t be what it was for a long time, man, and there’s not enough IG live videos of us ironically playing Sum 41 covers to get us through this. The fact that even less people than usual are able or even willing to come out to our shows… well, that’s just a battle we cannot win.”

The final blow allegedly came after the group attempted to make a reaction video to the “Game of Thrones” finale, leading to a series of arguments ending in their decision to all journey back to the place they once longed to escape.

“We just think it’ll be better to spend this time at home,” bassist Sheila Kennedy explained. “I’m not looking forward to seeing the people these songs are about while I’m waiting in line to get inside the grocery store, but then again, they might not recognize me with my new haircut, face mask, and general aura of defeat.”

Botsford locals noted that band members have taken up new hobbies since returning to the middle-class suburb many of their songs depicted.

“They’re all handling it differently,” said high school friend Tommy Gracy. “Their drummer Troy started investing in penny stocks and he’s already made like, $70 so far, which is cool… but I also saw their singer getting into arguments with Ben Shapiro on Twitter.”

Rumors are swirling that the band is also considering starting a podcast.

Moronic Dataminers Thrilled After Discovering Luigi In ‘Super Mario 64 DS’

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — Following a string of leaks of early builds and scrapped ideas for beloved Nintendo games, the emulation and modding community has been bursting with enthusiasm and excitement ever since a team of totally moronic dataminers discovered wireframes, textures and sound effects for Luigi within the source code of Super Mario 64 DS earlier this week.

“This is a huge, unprecedented breakthrough for the SM64 community,” said Sugoi74, one of the idiots behind the discovery, in a megathread on a popular emulation forum. “We’ve been searching for evidence of Luigi being playable in Super Mario 64 basically since 1996. Turns out that he’s been right here in the source code of the game’s DS port this entire time, fully voiced and everything. I almost can’t believe it.”

Subsequent posts on the megathread explained that not only did the game’s source code contain all of the data necessary to render Luigi in the game, but the dataminers were even able to discover a method for unlocking him as a playable character without using any mods or exploits.

“It turns out that the developers included a secret portrait of Luigi within the ‘Big Boo’s Haunt’ level of the game, which we believe was for development testing purposes but left in by mistake,” explained Sugoi74. “However, if you jump through the portrait, there’s a mission where you have to navigate a maze and defeat Big Boo which then unlocks Luigi as a playable character. It’s really incredible that they left all of these scrapped ideas totally accessible within the retail version of the game, but I guess it just confirms that Luigi was intended as a playable character from the beginning. They even left him on the box art, which is a pretty big error if you ask me!”

At press time, the team behind the discovery raised further excitement on the forum after sharing evidence that both Wario and Yoshi were present in the game as playable characters as well.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Ad Making Offensive Insinuation About What You Want to Do in This Game

Posted on by Chandler Dean

ATLANTA — According to several users of file downloading services and illegal streaming sites, an advertisement featuring a buxom CGI woman with the caption “You’re Allowed To Do Anything You Want In This Game!” makes a pretty disrespectful assumption about what you want to do in this game.

Josh Olson, a patron of YouTube download service FilesToGo.net, felt unfairly targeted given his online activity.

“Look, it’s a pretty broad generalization to assume anyone trying to download an mp3 would want to play a sex pervert video game,” protested Olson. “It’s like, I’m just trying to put the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song over a dumb-looking picture of my brother. I didn’t ask for this. This is not what I want to do in this game.”

Ari Kim, a regular visitor of TorrentIsland.biz, took issue with the implications of the ad’s caption.

“Really, interactive porn grifter? I’m allowed to do ANYTHING I want in this game?” probed Kim. “Can I travel the world? Can I achieve self-actualization? Or do you assume that my imagination only extends as far as touching a cartoon boob? Because I’ll do that too, but there’s a lot of other shit I want!”

Kyle Anderson, who encountered the ad on FreeMoviesRiteNow.website, set clear boundaries about when she expects to see an ad of that nature.

“As soon as I start browsing a porn site, I have accepted that I am about to subject myself to all manner of depraved, cursed advertisements,” clarified Anderson. “But anywhere else on the internet, I am not mentally prepared to have uncanny valley tiddies shoved in my face.” 

“I’m just a normal human being trying to watch Celeste and Jesse Forever for free,” she added. “This is uncalled for.”

Sean Gorton, head of ad sales for mp4-studio.videofun.ru, defended the integrity of the ad.

“The weird creepy suggestive video game ad absolutely holds up to the quality standards our users have learned to expect,” argued Gorton. “It stands proudly alongside the 17 fake download buttons we slap on the site, an erroneous notification that claims your Mac needs to be scanned for junk files, and ‘Congratulations, You’ve Won An iPod Touch!’”

At press time, the users quoted in this article were intrigued to learn that there are hot singles in their area waiting to bang.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Opinion: Being a Socialist Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Watch Reruns of “Supermarket Sweep”

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Being a socialist means I believe in income equality, universal healthcare, and affordable housing, but it sure as fuck doesn’t mean I can’t watch reruns of “Supermarket Sweep” on Netflix.

You’re probably thinking: “Gee, isn’t ‘Supermarket Sweep’ just a celebration of mindless consumerism in which frenzied shoppers compete to see who can acquire the most worthless products? That’s completely antithetical to socialism.” Wow, did you come up with that hot take all by yourself? Sit down and prepare to be radicalized, Karen.

Trust me, I’d know. I have carefully studied the writings of Karl Marx on labor relations and class struggle. But the man died in 1883. We must ask ourselves: what if, instead of living through the most grotesque horrors of the Industrial Age, Marx had been a totally rad ‘90s kid?

Well, if he had been, I firmly believe Marx would’ve gotten a real kick out of watching these soccer moms practically fist-fighting over a box of Nutter Butters.

Any true socialist can appreciate that “Supermarket Sweep” is satire, with its fetishization of brands, idealized representation of supermarkets, and careless “spending” of pretend money. That’s why I make sure to maintain my ironic detachment while loudly cheering on the contestants, screaming unheard strategic advice from my couch, and crying messily if I think the winning team seems nice.

Take, for example, the show’s wildly exhilarating ‘Big Sweep’ finale, in which contestants run through the aisles of the store attempting to ransack as much as possible. It’s hidden in plain sight: “Supermarket Sweep” is encouraging us to pillage the false capitalist dream! Plus, it’s really fun seeing all of those cool old school logos. Wow, look at that big display of Dunkaroos! TAKE THE DUNKAROOS, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

Uh, excuse me. I assure you, my interest in “Supermarket Sweep” is purely ideological. I watch these reruns to further hone my anti-capitalist critiques. Well, also because host David Ruprecht wears some absolutely heinous sweaters. And I’ve always wanted to run really fast in a supermarket without getting yelled at.

As you can see, “Supermarket Sweep” is practically “The Communist Manifesto.” It teaches consumers to rise up, seize their metaphorical shopping carts, and take control… oh shit, gotta go! “The Price is Right” is on!

Racist Bully Who Brought Gun to School Now Doing It For a Living

Posted on by Kevin Tit

TUCSON, Ariz. — Local cop and racist bully Dennis Peters, who once brought a gun to Roosevelt High School in 10th grade, is now employed full-time as the school’s resource officer, multiple horrified teachers confirmed.

“It’s crazy to be back at this school again after they kicked me out all those years ago,” said Peters. “I’ve wanted to be a cop my whole life — I was born to wear this uniform. Sure, I was hoping to be out cracking skulls across the city, but this is the only gig my Dad could convince the sheriff to give me. I can’t complain, though: I can still walk here from my parents’ house, I’m making a decent salary, and now they can’t kick me out for bringing my gun here. Suck it, Principal Taylor!”

Students and faculty claim Peters does not make them feel safe.

“I thought it’d be a good thing to have a cop in our schools, in case we had an active shooter situation or something. Now I feel like he’s the one we need protection from — the only time I’ve ever had a gun pulled on me was when Ofc. Peters demanded to see my hall pass,” recalled sophomore Darius Wright. “Sometimes when I leave school late, I’ll see him sitting in his giant Ford F-150 blasting Pantera. I told our principal about the time he mouthed, ‘Walk on home, boy,’ to me once after school, and he claimed he was ‘just singing part of the song.’”

Indeed, one teacher vividly remembers having Peters as a student and is unsurprised by his career choice as a professional abuser.

“Dennis — excuse me, Officer Peters — used to be in one of my classes,” stated freshman English teacher Alice Hemmings. “He was the biggest bully in school for both teachers and students; he made my life hell. I brought his parents in for a meeting after I saw he’d been drawing swastika’s on his desk, and his father actually said it was ‘his first amendment right to do it’ and told me to ‘watch my back.’ I don’t know why or how he ended up getting a job here, but I pray for the safety of every person who has to interact with that monster.”

At press time, Ofc. Peters was placing a student in a chokehold for smoking a cigarette.