Tattoo Artist Emerges from Quarantine With Upside-Down, Full Sleeves on Legs

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local tattoo artist Mike Lussier ended his self-imposed quarantine yesterday and debuted a plethora of new upside-down tattoos he gave himself to stay busy, sources craning their necks to see the work confirmed.

“I got bored and just started fucking around on my upper thigh. I wanted to cover up some of the terrible tattoos I gave myself when I first started out, and then I guess I got carried away,” said Lussier. “It got really tricky when I had to do the back of my thighs: I had to set up two mirrors, and then go off the reflection of the reflection so the tattoo wouldn’t be backward — that would’ve looked really dumb. I never expected to go below past my knees, but here we are.”

“Doing all this work on myself did make me realize something important: it helps to wet the paper towel before wiping away the excess ink,” added Lussier. “Turns out doing it with a dry towel sort of sucks. I’m surprised nobody ever complained before.”

To his credit, those closest to Lussier say the new tattoos are some of his best work.

“He did a scene from ‘Lord of the Rings’ on his right leg that is truly epic. The only problem is that you have to be standing behind him while he’s sitting in his underwear and looking over his shoulder to see it properly,” said longtime friend Artie Landers. “I don’t know if I should tell him that the satanic piece with all the upside down crosses on his left leg just looks like a bunch of regular crucifixes to anyone other than him — but it would look totally sick if someone saw it on him while he was doing a handstand.”

Other tattoo artists across the country noted similar struggles to stay busy.

“The only spot I have open is my back, and it’s been hard as hell for me to reach back there,” said Los Angeles-based artist Heather Benson. “I’ve tried my best, but I’ve only been able to manage to scratch a couple of lines onto my shoulder blade, and I dropped my machine a few times and it hit my lower back and made some dots. I tried taping the machine to the wall and then moving my body, but since I can’t see what’s going on back there, it just becomes a bloody mess.”

In other body modification news, a furloughed Claire’s employee’s ear completely ripped off yesterday from the weight of adding an additional 200 piercings and earrings.

Photo courtesy of Mike Lussier.

42-Year-Old Restaurant Manager Beginning to Realize This Is, In Fact, His Final Form

Posted on by Jimmy Beliakoff

BREA, Calif. — After a tense standoff with some customers around closing time, it became clear to local Olive Garden manager Darrell Klein that despite not realizing it for years, he had reached his final form.

“Pretty sobering, yeah, not going to lie,” Klein remarked while ticking off an inventory list in the storage room. “I always figured this was one of those first-phase things where I would climb up the ranks and quickly become the most notorious and feared man in the Olive Garden family, but unfortunately my life’s middling achievements have caught up to me and the best I’ve got going is being able to tell snobby wine moms that I am the manager! before refusing to comp their meal. I am the boss of the Olive Garden at the Brea Mall. This is my final form.”

“Maybe I’m not gonna go super saiyan,” Klein added. “But I thought I could at least go super Daniel.”

When asked about her shift lead hitting his own personal power level cap, hostess Daisy Beasley offered her perspective on the situation.

“I think he expected to become CEO one day, he works way too many hours and knows more Olive Garden lore than any of us thought existed,” she said. “Which to be clear, we didn’t know any existed. Darrell is a great guy, so it’s a shame he’s fallen hook, line, and sinker for the lie perpetrated by capitalists and anime villains alike, that all of your self worth is determined by how devoted he is to his overlords.”

Though the news clearly distressed him, Klein’s family reportedly received the news with enthusiasm. 

“Does this mean we’re not moving to Orlando to lord over Olive Garden Headquarters like he always talked about?” said Sherry, Darell’s wife of 18 years. “Oh that is wonderful news. I am going to call the contractors tomorrow then and get an estimate on that deck he told me not to build until he ‘finished evolving.’ So weird. Oh, and that means Stevie won’t have to change schools!”

At press time, a wistful Klein sporting a thousand-yard-stare was seen smoking out behind the building as the new part-time busboy explained redemption arcs to him.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Girlfriend Has No Idea Sex Playlist Is Just Old School RuneScape Soundtrack

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

PHOENIX — Local girlfriend Marissa Andrews is reportedly unaware that the playlist her boyfriend put on during sex last week was just a 2-hour YouTube video of Old School RuneScape songs.

“She asked me who the artist was one the last song and I froze. I said Duke Horacio,” said Chris Moore, the 28-year-old boyfriend and former RuneScape obsessive. “How am I supposed to look my loved one in the eyes and tell her that she came to the soothing sounds of the east Varrock bank?”

“Plus, I’ve been playing RuneScape since, like, 2004,” he added, “so there’s probably something weird going on there.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Andrews has told her boyfriend that she likes the playlist, despite finding video games “annoying.”

“I tried to ask Chris what that cool lofi rap instrumentals he was playing while we hooked up, but he was acting all weird,” Andrews told friends. “It’s frustrating, because all he ever seems to do is play that fucking RuinScape [sic] shit. It’s nice to just be intimate for fifteen minutes every other week or so because it’s the only time he isn’t thinking about that game. God damn.”

According to the creator of the YouTube video, GoodGamer6969, this is a fairly common occurrence. 

“Oh yeah, I get emails all the time from people who get down to 2007scape,” GG6969 explained. “You may go AFK for a decade, but RuneScape never leaves your bones. Especially if it never leaves your boning, haha. I’m 37-years-old BTW.”

At press time, after discovering the true origin of Moore’s sex playlist, admitted it was still better than her ex-boyfriend who looped the same four Logic songs over and over again.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Report: Biden’s COVID-19 Test Results Just Say “Dead”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WILMINGTON, Del. — Democratic Presidential frontrunner Joe Biden and his staffers were surprised by the results of a recent COVID-19 test that found that he was already dead, Biden’s campaign confirmed.

“Obviously, this is a very disappointing result. This test is 99.99% accurate and it clearly shows that Joe is dead, but we will continue to move forward towards the presidency regardless,” said Biden’s campaign manager Jen O’Malley Dillon. “We need a president who can unite this country right now, and alive or dead, Joe Biden is the man to do it. The campaign is as strong as ever right now — the American people have already shown they support his policy positions despite the fact they will do next to nothing for the common man, and they already seemed to disregard his obviously declining mental faculties. So death is not an obstacle for us at all.”

Recent polls indicate that the former Vice President saw a bump in popularity following the diagnosis.

“Some of my favorite people are dead — my mother, my father, and my childhood dog Rufus are all dead, and it just makes me like Joe Biden even more,” said Audie Lazaar, a registered Democrat. “Bernie Sanders was a bit too over the top for me — he’s so animated and yelling all the time; it makes me want to shut down. I’m glad he dropped out, because that is not how we beat Trump in November: we need a guy who can just sit there and take all the insults Trump hurls at them, and then just confuse everyone by attempting to mumble a retort. There’s no better candidate for that than a guy who is already dead.”

Biden himself spoke out to reassure voters that he “feels great” despite being dead.

“Listen here, Jack: death is not a concern of mine. I will continue my march towards the White House no matter what. If we need to have people work my arms like an elaborate marionette, then so be it,” said Biden’s stiff, pale-grey corpse. “My main concern is not the fact that my heart is no longer beating and that my decaying body will soon be nothing more than slime-covered bones — it’s fighting for the little guy. That’s a promise.”

Biden then added that if he ever crosses over into the afterlife, he will challenge Adolf Hitler to a fist fight.

Pawnee, Indiana Has Country’s Highest COVID Mortality Rate Following Ron Swanson’s Mayoral Win

Posted on by E.M. Caris

PAWNEE, Ind. — The small Indiana town of Pawnee became the epicenter of America’s Coronavirus pandemic last week due to new mayor Ron Swanson’s laissez faire public health policies, gloating Eagleton residents confirmed.

“Look, it’s not the government’s job to babysit you or prevent you from dying. If you want a lifeguard, hire one yourself and help stimulate the economy,” Mayor Swanson explained from inside a concrete bunker he built himself using his tax-payer funded paychecks. “I believe in small government, and if that means large amounts of dead bodies, so be it. Now please excuse me — there’s a new all-you-can-eat buffet with four different types of bacon opening across town, and I want to be first in line.”

Journalists described Pawnee as “basically a developing nation without modern medicine at this point.”

“We need Doctors Without Borders or Jimmy Carter or someone who cares about people’s health to come help these people,” said local reporter Shauna Malwae-Tweep. “The bodies are rotting in piles because Mayor Swanson disbanded the coroner’s office and won’t use taxpayer money to bury corpses — people just toss their dead in the Sullivan Street pit. I even saw some guy stealing clothes off the bodies to sell at a store called Rent-a-Swag.”

Rebecca Blake, an epidemiologist from the CDC sent to investigate the city, agreed.

“I expected a bad outbreak, but it was only the first pandemic initiated by Mayor Swanson’s reforms,” said Dr. Blake. “He legalized all drugs during an opioid crisis, but slashed any funding for rehabilitation. He also offered the Food and Stuff huge subsidies if they stopped selling fruits, vegetables, and seitan. And even policies like defunding the police, which make sense in theory, are disasters under Swanson: he simply hired private security forces that quickly morphed into red meat-eating, mustachioed militias that worship him like a god. The only people who are doing alright are the wealthy, who’ve walled themselves inside the Sweetums candy factory.”

In an effort to stop Mayor Swanson’s tyrannical reign, Senator Knope is travelling to Pawnee to help execute a highly dangerous, last-ditch plan known simply as “Tammy II.”

Punk Couple Names Baby “Mark/Jessica Split”

Posted on by John Danek

ARLINGTON, Va. — Punk lifers Jessica Greene and Mark Wallace set a new standard for punk baby names when they welcomed their healthy daughter, Mark/Jessica Split Wallace-Greene, into the world last night.

“It only made sense because Jess and I initially bonded over an obsessive love for the Faith/Void split from 1982,” said Wallace, who owns a guitar amp repair business. “So when the nurse asked for the name for the birth certificate, I blurted out, ‘Mark/Jessica Split.’ I’m happy to have a hand in smashing gender norms… even if it means my child will endure a lifetime of confusion anytime someone reads or announces her name.”

However, punk names are not a recent phenomenon — regular people worldwide live full, productive lives with punk-as-fuck names.

“My first name is ‘Siouxsie Sioux,’ and my last name is ‘Sullivan’ — try saying that five times fast,” said Sullivan, who isn’t even a fan of punk. “Kids inherently hate the things their parents like, so I’ve always despised Siouxsie Sioux’s music. I started going by the name Mel when I was in middle school to try escape the hell my parents created for me. It sucks when people find out my real name, and I have to explain it… and that I’d rather just listen to country music.”

Child psychologists suggest caution when opting for an extremely punk baby name.

“Always remember: what seems punk today may be problematic tomorrow,” explained Dr. Vikki McKnight, who studies the effects of names on personalities. “Thinking about giving your daughter Joy the middle name Division? You might kneecap her abilities to become a staff writer at Vox, now that people are more aware of the Nazi background of the name. It’s much safer to simply teach punk ideals than name them directly. But if you’re truly punk, you’re not going to listen to an expert, so fuck it — name your kid Fat Mike, for all I care.”

Wallace and Greene reportedly already regret not naming their baby “G.G.” after learning just how much a baby can defecate and urinate.

Help! I Don’t Know What Color Stripe to Add to My Flag for Trump’s Secret Nightmare Police

Posted on by Chuck Kowalski

This is an American crisis of epic proportions. People, I need help and fast! A force of heavily armed, camo-laden federal agents have swarmed Portland under direct orders of the President to suppress dissent with impunity; escalating violence and detaining citizens in unmarked vehicles without cause, and I just can’t decide which color stripe to add to my flag to show my support!

My city could be next so to prepare myself and my family for the arrival of MY President’s secret nightmare police, I’ve been staring at my thin blue line flag, totally clueless as to what neat little colored stripe I should add next to show my unquestioned support of Trump’s personal Stormtrooper unit. Any advice would be sincerely appreciated. I thought up a million slogans too but I’m worried if I go outside and chant, the secret police might confuse with someone who hates freedom and lock me up without due process.

My gut reaction was to go with camo but to me, that mix of greens, browns, and yellows gives off more of an ‘indefinitely occupying countries abroad in the name of spreading democracy’ vibe than a ‘secret authoritarian paramilitary force beating the fuck out of you for vocalizing your support of basic human rights’ vibe. You have to be careful not to mislead people about what you’re supporting. That’s downright irresponsible.

Sure, I could just include them in the blue stripe but that implies that the regular police and Trump’s police are the same. After all, this situation isn’t your typical local police force forging paperwork to cover their 15th violation for excessive force or strangling a man to death for a minor, non-violent infraction. This is a personalized terror squad, shitting on the very founding principles of this country. They deserve so much more recognition for what they’re doing and I truly hope all of the individual officers’ names are remembered and connected to this forever.

Whatever you do, be safe and don’t disturb our hard-working death troopers while they capture these commies out here. I loathe communism. That’s how Hitler got started, ya know.

Cop Unsure How to Cover SS Bolts Tattoo With Punisher Logo

Posted on by Piotr Parker

TAMPA, Fla. — Local police officer Stan Barton has entered his sixth consecutive hour at Royal Ink Tattoo Studio, brainstorming the best way to cover an SS bolts tattoo on his left bicep with a Punisher logo.

“When you’re an 18-year-old kid fresh out of police academy, you just don’t think of how societal norms may change,” Ofc. Barton sighed. “If I knew back then that one day, Antifa thugs would be getting every cop with visible Nazi tattoos kicked off the force, I would’ve just gotten the damn thing on my thigh where only I could see it. Instead, I’m here trying to convert my bolts into a Punisher skull… and let me tell you, I worry it can’t be done. If I just got a swastika like all my buddies suggested, I could’ve covered that up no problem. Live and learn.”

Despite Ofc. Barton’s struggles to modify his tattoo, cover-up, those close to him claim he’s been hostile towards suggestions.

“When he first walked in here, I thought to myself, ‘Sure, this guy is a douche, but I can’t exactly afford to turn down $300 during a pandemic,’ and it’s easy to cover SS bolts with a ‘Sold our Soul’-era Sabbath logo,” said tattoo artist Christopher “Rocksteady” Lawrence. “But as soon as I brought it up, he screamed, ‘All Sabbaths Matter!’ and that we should have White History Month. And I’ve never heard as many racial slurs as I did when I suggested making the skull itself black.”

Police union President Jeremy Cole called the pressure from the community on Ofc. Barton to cover the old tattoo just another example of the “unfair treatment” police receive.

“It’s just sickening what Barton is going through,” sneered Cole while casually heart-reacting “Pepe the Frog” memes on Facebook. “These thugs protesting in the streets are forcing him to adopt their extreme, minority-embracing ideologies, and censoring his beliefs just because they’re ‘offensive.’ If you’re okay with this unconstitutional treatment, take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself who the real Nazi is.”

Cole also confirmed Ofc. Barton has been placed on paid administrative leave so he can properly select and care for his cover-up tattoo.

Gamers Furious as ‘Hard Drive Magazine’ Introduces Microtransactions

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Gamers are furious worldwide after popular video game website Hard Drive introduced microtransactions, making exclusive articles available to those who sign up for a $5 monthly Coil membership.

“It’s just ridiculous. How can a video game website be objective about discussing video games while also having enough money to operate?” said one Twitter user in a viral thread. “Websites such as Hard Drive should only accept money for cosmetic differences. Maybe you give them $5 and they let you change the color of the mascot or something. But also, it shouldn’t be like that whole horse armor incident from back in the day. And on top of that, no one’s boobs should change sizes. Admittedly, I’ve kinda lost track of what I’m upset about, but the fact of the matter is that I’m upset about it.”

“Hell, I can’t even read the article where this is quoted,” the Twitter user added. “I click the link and the text fades away! I should be the one getting paid — for the labor of having to stop loading the page after the article shows up but before the Coil stuff kicks in.”

Despite controversy, editors at Hard Drive have maintained their stance on using Coil to monetize new content, while keeping the rest of the site the same.

“I just want one person to be able to open our website without getting a pop-up ad that their phone has a virus created by Russian aliens or whatever,” said Editor in Chief Jeremy Kaplowitz. “But being the first ever video game satire billionaire is a nice perk too.”

At press time, fans announced they would be boycotting Hard Drive until the website at least agrees to finally release unaltered photos of Waluigi’s notoriously uncircumcised penis.