The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Gamers Riot in Streets to Ensure Epic Gets Better Revenue Sharing Deal With Apple

Posted on August 15, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

SEATTLE — In response to the escalating tension between Apple and Epic, masses of angry gamers have taken to the streets to show support for the latter and demand they are able to continue selling Fortnite skins without paying the standard fee Apple demands.

“If I’m understanding this correctly, and I’m fairly certain that I am, Apple has for too long demanded an unfair cut of all transactions done through their operating system,” said Ethan Reynolds, as he chucked a brick through the window of a downtown Apple store and proceeded to set the structure ablaze. “Epic Games simply is asking us to reexamine the standard thirty percent tax they take. Now let’s burn 100 percent of this motherfucker to the ground! This is extremely important to me!”

Epic Games, which was recently valued at roughly $1.7 billion, made waves earlier this week by beginning to sell Fortnite’s V-Buck currency through their game’s storefront and bypassing Apple’s normal fee that is added onto all in-game transactions, offering players more value for their money than ever before. The friction between companies has escalated since, with a pending lawsuit indicating that there is no end in sight to the conflict.

“We here at Apple frankly aren’t used to being questioned, so this has all been very wild for us,” said Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, Inc. “And we really didn’t see this escalating into riots across the country, much less this quickly. We take responsibility for our part in all of this though; those nice Fortnite clothes were undoubtedly a couple of dollars too expensive.”

The rioting continued well into the night, with the gathering continuing to increase in number, although some were reportedly unsure about the motivation behind them.

“I didn’t realize this was a video game thing when I joined what I thought was a protest in front of City Hall,” said Teagan Beasley, who had participated in several protests in the same area over the previous few months.. “But after talking to the people here for about a half hour, I think I understand what is going on. It’s not so much that we should feel bad for Epic, it’s that they’re taking an important stand against Apple so that none of us have to pay them thirty percent of … no wait, I lost it again.”

As of press time, Fortnite has since been removed from the iOS store, and in retaliation, Epic has taken those apples that heal you a little bit out of Fortnite.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

John Hodgman Beats the Shit Out of Justin Long in New Fortnite Video

Posted on August 15, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Epic Games has furthered their legal battle with Apple by releasing a video featuring John Hodgman and Justin Long reprising their roles as Mac and PC in which Hodgman beats the shit out Long.

“I’m a Mac,” says the casually dressed Justin Long in the new video just before Hodgman, in formal wear, replies, “And I’m a PC. That means I’m not created by a company that hates Fortnite.” He then reveals a baseball bat and slams it into Long’s gut, causing him to barrel over.

Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney said that the Fortnite team has been trying to turn the disagreement between the two companies into something a little more fun for fans.

“First and foremost, we wanted to make sure that the video was funny. Fans should have fun watching our content!” Sweeney explained. “Secondly, however, we want to remind our fans that they have to pick a side. This is a war. You cannot sit idly by and you definitely can’t support Apple, right? Now, am I saying we’re going to beat you down with a baseball bat if you’re not on #TeamEpic? Of course not. But I’m also not not saying it either.”

Despite the popularity of the video, Apple CEO Tim Cook insists that fans should remain firmly on the Apple side of the battle.

“I thought the video was really cute. I think everyone knows this is just a friendly disagreement between our two corporations,” Cook said. “And everyone also knows that they should stay on the Apple side of things, lest they face the consequences. No one wants to be a social monster, cast aside by their friends and family, when they show up in text messages with a green bubble just because they thought they could side with Fortnite. So let’s all just have some fun and take a moment to remember who really has the power here.”

At press time, millions of children across the world, realizing Fortnite had been removed from their iPhones, opened up their Minecraft app.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Nostalgic Ex Just Called to Scream at You for Old Times Sake

Posted on August 15, 2020 by Kaitlyn Jeffers

CHICAGO — Local ex-boyfriend Dan Bakersfield hit up his ex-girlfriend last night to yell at her “like the good old days” after reaching the end of every dating app downloaded onto his phone, troubled sources confirmed.

“I can’t remember any of her interests, but I’ll never forget how angry it made me when she left orange rinds in the sink. So I figured I’d call her up, make sure she’s still doing that, and then just go to town,” Bakersfield said while sharpening a knife. “It’s been tough in quarantine, not having someone around to take all my impotent rage out on, and if she didn’t want to ever speak again, she should’ve blocked my number — it’s as simple as that. She’s crazy, and still needs someone to explain all the ways in which her behavior should change.”

For her part, ex-girlfriend Becca Rivera was not very receptive to what Bakersfield called a “nostalgic reconnection.”

“When some number I didn’t have saved popped up, I assumed it was my internet company trying to sell me some crap,” Rivera said. “I totally forgot he used to scream at me over pretty much everything until I cried. I don’t think ‘nostalgic’ is the right word… maybe more like ‘traumatic relapse’ or something. I definitely repressed the memory of pretty much our entire relationship until he called.”

Dysfunction expert Gina Andrews claimed people often ruin their prospects on dating apps before moving on to actual exes and existing friendships.

“We’re seeing an uptick in the number of people who have exhausted Bumble, Hinge, Tinder… and even more niche apps like Feeld and Wooplus, desperately searching for someone to argue with during the pandemic,” Andrews stated. “Once these people can no longer find new matches — either because the app has banned them, or they’ve merely run out of options in their areas — they start looking at past lovers as a means to expel some pent-up frustration.”

Bakersfield allegedly attempted to reach six other exes before the Chicago Police Department went to his apartment with a restraining order.

Ghost of SeeSo Warns Quibi of Inevitable Future

Posted on August 15, 2020 by Kevin Tit

LOS ANGELES — Unpopular streaming platform Quibi was visited yesterday by the ghost of NBC’s now-defunct streaming platform SeeSo, warning the young app of it’s inevitable future, multiple industry insiders confirmed.

“I had no idea what the fuck was going on. I’ve never even heard of SeeSo,” said Quibi to no one while being ignored by everyone in the world. “This ghost appeared where an ad for ‘Murder House Flip’ was supposed to be, and told me I was only destined to last as long as an episode of the ‘Reno 911’ reboot — that I was dead before I was even uploaded.”

“It’s unnerving,” the app added. “I mean, my creators put almost $2 billion into me. There’s no way in hell this SeeSo ghost knew what they were talking about, right? I’m pretty freaked out. I never wanted this. I didn’t ask to exist.”

While publicly supportive, other streaming services privately expressed concern about Quibi’s future.

“Quibi’s nice and all, but in the age of 85” 4k televisions, why in the hell would anybody want to watch content exclusively on a tiny phone screen?” said Hulu. “Even worse, there’s absolutely nothing original on their network. Shortened reboots of beloved classics? Who is this even for? Quibi ain’t nothing but a bougie YouTube.”

Jeanine Duncan, one of the eight monthly Quibi subscribers who didn’t immediately delete their account after the free week trial, offered a viewer’s perspective.

“In addition to being a Quibi subscriber, I also am a medium with the ability to communicate to dead streaming services and TV networks,” explained Duncan. “I recognized my gift back in 2007 when the ghost of WB took the form of a frog with a top hat, pleading with me to help get ‘Moesha’ and ‘The Parkers’ back on the air. And yes, I have spoken to SeeSo, and I believe Quibi should heed it’s warnings. If solid programs like ‘HarmonQuest’ and ‘Hidden America with Jonah Ray’ couldn’t save SeeSo, what hope does some lame phone app have?”

Quibi’s handlers have since convinced it that the supernatural SeeSo visit was simply a stunt orchestrated by Chance the Rapper for an episode of “Punk’d.”

Small Liberal Arts College Releases Fall Semester Classes on Vinyl

Posted on August 15, 2020 by Ella Gale

AMHERST, Mass. — Smorth College announced today that instead of face-to-face instruction, it will release its fall semester classes on vinyl, citing pandemic concerns.

“This decision will allow our students to kick back, light up a clove cigarette, and chill out to the warm tones of Linear Algebra, Advanced Genetics, and the extremely rare Object and Environment… all from the safety of whatever housing they can drum up for themselves,” said Smorth College President Maggie Monahan. “Look, I understand some students may not own record players. And to them I say, ‘Have you even really heard ‘Rumours?’ Right now we are planning on releasing all courses as LPs, while some electives will be released as EPs.”

Freshman student Avi Legrange, who occasionally deejays campus parties, is enthusiastic for Smorth’s plan.

“I’m taking a sick 19th-Century Middle Eastern History Seminar. I’m gonna spin that shit at parties after we get a vaccine,” said Legrange from a three-bedroom apartment off campus paid for by his parents. “Some of the art layout kinda blows, though — I thought the album cover for my microeconomics class would be some dope gatefold release designed by someone in Thee Silver Mt. Zion or something, but it’s just a couple of crossed lines. It was hand-numbered though, so when I flip that on eBay at the end of the semester, I could get a few extra dollars.”

Music history professor Smuthers Malone was less optimistic about the new curriculum medium.

“I was very happy when the school decided we wouldn’t be doing Zoom classes like normie sellouts… but some of my students think vinyl will let them hear a wider range of frequencies in my rants about how rock’n’roll died in 1972, and those students are imbeciles,” said Malone. “A good digital rig can produce a wider range of frequencies with better consistency. Get the hot wax out of your ears, kids, and wise up.”

A collection of Smorth College alumni have also been asked to provide incoming freshmen with mixtapes about what they can expect when they are finally allowed to return to campus.

We Brought David Bowie Back to Life but It’s Tin Machine Era Bowie So Now We Have to Kill Him Again

Posted on August 15, 2020 by Patrick Crooks

During a Hard Times office party, I said to the higher-ups we should use some of our PPP loan to perfect a way to bring the dead back to life. We all had a good laugh at it. Then the cocaine really kicked in and next thing, we’ve got these Stanford brainiacs working on this.

Wouldn’t you know it, those fucking dorks pulled it off. The Hard Times had acquired the power to bring our favorite musicians back to life and force them to hang out with us lest we send them back to whatever eternal abyss they came from.

Our first choice to resurrect was Joe Strummer, but with the state of the world, we feared he’d be too much of a buzzkill, so that was nixed. Someone suggested G.G. Allin, but we can’t even get people here to wash their dishes, so that was the end of that. Words were exchanged, someone might have been stabbed, but eventually, we settled on David Bowie.

We were all set to hang out with an era-defining genius. Unfortunately, the Poindexters who made this thing didn’t bother telling us about the time/date setting on the device that brings the deceased back from a specific era of their life. So it’s with our deepest regrets that we inform you that we have inadvertently resurrected Tin Machine Bowie.

I first thought I could fix this and talked to Bowie about his earlier work and personas, but he’s just as gung ho about Tin Machine as he was when he was actually alive, so he’s really not listening to me. I showed him some of his future work and thought maybe he’d get excited and get a jumpstart on that, but he keeps saying he wants to use this second chance to really perfect Tin Machine’s sound, so we’re at an impasse here.

The editors told me to handle this or it’s my ass, so my hand has been forced. As I write this, Bowie is sitting in the car. I told him we’re driving upstate to record at Tony Fox Sales farm. He seems to have bought this and my dad told me where he left his hunting rifle, so other than the awkward drive, this should be over fairly quick.

My plan is to lock Bowie in a small concrete bunker with an eyepatch and some orange hair dye. In 24 hours he will either morph into Halloween Jack or be dead by my hand.

Keith Richards Snorts All 10 Sauces During “Hot Ones” Appearance

Posted on August 15, 2020 by John Danek

NEW YORK – Legendary Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards took popular interview show “Hot Ones” to a new level yesterday by snorting all 10 sauces in rapid succession.

“When it was time to bite the first wing, Keith fell face-first on the table and I thought he had a heart attack,” recounted host Sean Evans, who has never snorted hot sauce in his life. “But nope — he was fine. So fine, that instead of biting the wing, he snorted a line of our very own ‘Classic’ hot sauce and then plowed through the rest without flinching. These sauces would destroy the nasal cavity of a normal man, but he just smiled and then smeared a bunch of sauce on his gums before launching into a story about lighting a limo on fire in ’78.”

Richards is legendary for his abilities to shovel all sorts of small items in his nose.

“Keith? He fuckin’ snorts everything. I’m pretty sure that’s how he eats all of his food now,” explained former Rolling Stones bassist Bill Wyman. “One time, we were on tour in Japan… probably 1978. We’re in the middle of ‘Miss You,’ and I break my low E string and it gets jammed in the bridge. Our guitar tech can’t get it out, and neither can I, but Keith casually strolls over and snorts my broken string right out.”

“It’s probably still up there in his nasal passages, along with a few nipple piercings and a quarter-kilo,” continued Wyman. “I mean, he snorted his father’s ashes, for fuck’s sake!”

Rock historians have studied how legends from the “Golden Age of Rock” can maintain relevance in the era of social media, podcasts, and internet culture.

“It’s no surprise that Keith Richards blew the door open on ‘Hot Ones’ — his body has been pickled by drugs for decades,” explained music scholar Carla Stannick. “You could see Keith was underwhelmed by the ‘Last Dab.’ I’m assuming it’s because he thought it would get him high, but it looked like he barely got a light tickle he’d mistake as a seasonal allergy at worst.”

Richards allegedly then muttered, “I thought that was supposed to be spicy!” before snorting a mound of wasabi, yellowtail, and several ounces of soy sauce for lunch with an aperitif of cocaine and port wine.

Diddy Kong Accused of Using System of Barrels to Skip First Two Years of College

Posted on August 14, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

EAST LANSING, Mich. — Diddy Kong is the latest celebrity to stand accused of using his celebrity status to bypass the rigors of higher education, with allegations being made that a series of automated barrels shot him through the majority of the first two years of his studies at Michigan State University.

“This is such bullshit,” said Ariella Kearns, a journalism student also studying at Michigan State. “I am out here busting my ass, working nights, then staying up studying, just to try and compete with the sons and daughters of celebrities who get actual networks of barrels constructed so that they may get shot out of class as soon as attendance is marked. A full ride plus a full ride, how is that fair?”

The case follows several high profile cases of celebrities using bribery and corrupt admissions processes to secure preferential treatment for their children, including Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin.

“The rumors are true, and yes, I spent my freshman and sophomore years being heavily assisted by barrels shooting me all over campus,” said Diddy Kong, who made the dean’s list every semester of his first two years of enrollment. “While I thought I was taking a shortcut and cheating the system, I realize now that I was merely cheating myself. I apologize, and insist that I will do better and live up to the Kong name established by my grandfather Cranky, and my father, Donkey.”

Many students don’t blame the young primate for taking advantage of the systematic exploitation offered to him by his celebrity status.

“Yeah, it sucks a little,” said Gregory Lu, another Michigan State student. “But, like, I would definitely not say no to my own system of barrels. I figure, this little dude has no shot at a normal life, so why should I get mad if he wants a little privacy while navigating an overly complicated college campus? Hell, we should all have barrels for what we pay. Diddy Kong is not the problem, it’s this whole goddamned system!”

As of press time, the Ice Climbers are under a similar investigation after it was discovered that they both received scholarships despite only turning in one SAT test between them.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Gamer Spoilt for Choice Between Game She’s Tired Of and Podcast She Hates

Posted on August 14, 2020 by Andy Holt

LOS ANGELES — Local gamer Patty Kemp reportedly had a difficult time deciding how to entertain herself yesterday evening, with exciting choices including playing a video game she is bored with, and listening to a podcast she despises.

“Being stuck inside really grates on me sometimes. Luckily, I get to keep myself occupied with all kinds of really fun content,” said Kemp, booting up her Xbox. “One of my favorite options is Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, which I’ve been slogging through for almost two years, and the quest log has only gotten longer. I think I’m supposed to be chasing down a secret mercenary group? But there’s also some sketchy priests who have my sibling, and they want a staff or something, and I’m a Spartan now. Or an Athenian, depending on the quest. I should probably read the Wiki again to get my bearings. God it sucks so much.”

In addition to the many video games she was sick of playing, Kemp also claimed to keep up with a few podcasts, all of which she found very upsetting.

“There’s this Vox podcast The Weeds, where I can learn about all the current politicians I hate, through the hyper-informed lens of these reporters, who I somehow hate even more,” said Kemp, anxiously refreshing her podcast feed. “I never miss an episode.”

After a few minutes of deliberation, Kemp reportedly made her usual choice, which was to listen to the podcast while playing the game, making it impossible to enjoy either one.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Opinion: It’s Eve 6 Not Steve 6!

Posted on August 14, 2020 by Ryan Clark

Homosexuality is a sin, plain and simple. Anyone trying to tell you these people are just like you and me are lying. They are abominations who will find nothing but faith in nothing. The mere idea of a man laying with another man makes me want to put my tender heart in a blender and watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion.

That’s why when my buddy Nick said my favorite band, EVE 6, was “gay,” I kept my composure and ensured him (and myself, admittedly) that lead singer Max Collins was married to a WOMAN. I would have said the same of bassist Jon Siebels and drummer Tony Fagenson but their Wikipedia articles are woefully under-researched.

Nick was undeterred despite the refutable facts I had laid out. He said, “yeah right, more like Steve 6.” That’s when I lost it. It’s EVE 6, not STEVE 6, you heathen!

The men and woman (but moreso the men) who perform such vulgar acts will go to hell and burn like a wicker cabinet: chalk white and oh so frail. One must resist the temptations of the flesh. One must swallow your pride and choke on the rinds because your lack of faith will leave you empty inside. If you think you’re gay, you must swallow your doubt and turn it inside out. Living in the light of our lord and savior is not as ugly, sad as you.

SoCal is where my mind states, but it’s not my state of mind. My values tend to line up with the good people of Alabama. And we concerned citizens are worried that if we let these lewd ways go unchecked they can infiltrate our neighborhoods and next thing ya know they’ll use their beautiful man-faces and chiseled physics to get me all confused again until I’m screaming at them to tie me to the bedpost!

We need to do our part to make sure that the act of lovemaking stays between a man and a woman and that kinda rapping over pop-rock guitars stays in the late ‘90s. Anything else is as demented as the motives in your head. If you aren’t willing to live your life the way Jesus intended then rendezvous and I’m through with you.

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