Report: Elimination of Video Game Load Times Will Decimate “Quick Tip” Industry

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

STANFORD, Calif. — According to new research, the “no load times” promise from next-gen consoles will eliminate the need for loading screen quick tips, spelling disaster for many writers and artists around the game industry.

“The Xbox Series X and PlayStation 5 will make video games much faster, but that comes at a cost,” explained industry analyst Brianna Rowe. “If there are no loading screens, that means there will be no place for players to read hundreds of gameplay tips while waiting for the next level. Unfortunately, these writers are going to have to pivot to writing weapon flavor text if they want to keep their jobs.”

Tip writers worldwide have entered panic mode as they brace for a wave of layoffs, with many researching how to file for unemployment. However, these writers have complained that the explanations offered on various government websites are far too long, and could benefit by boiling the key points down in a sentence or two.

“This is bullshit!” vented seasoned BioWare tip writer Marcus Devlin. “Without loading screens, how are people going to learn all the little nuances of gameplay? You think they’re just going to open a menu to find the tip they’re looking for instead of getting served one at random? Give me a break!”

Tip writers aren’t the only ones who will be affected, according to the report. The sea change is also expected to hit artists who draw cool background images and those who specialize in animating the word “loading” in the bottom corner of screens.

“What we provide is an essential service for gamers,” said Warframe loading screen artist Mara Parker. “Games are too fast nowadays. You need a break from the action every once in a while. I mean, be honest: you’re probably only reading this right now because you’re waiting for a Destiny 2 raid to load.”

Fortunately, popular RPG maker Bethesda Softworks remains unaffected by changes. In fact, the studio just laid off half of its QA team to make way for 90 new staff members dedicated to The Elder Scrolls VI’s load screens.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Opinion: Can I Please Just Fuck My Cousin and Not Be Associated With the Confederate Flag

Posted on by Ryan Clark

I’d like to start this off by setting the record straight. I fuck my family members and I’m not afraid to say it. I come from a long line of inbreeders as well. Not only is my mom my mom, but she is also my niece and my first real girlfriend. But I do not stand with the confederate flag whatsoever.

To me, the Confederate flag is an antiquated, racist symbol totally at odds with the love and compassion a lifetime of incest has taught me to cultivate.

It’s understandable to think that all “cousin fuckers” are racists. From an outsider’s perspective, it might seem that way. But what many people don’t know is incest was around for years living side by side peacefully with all walks of life. But then the Confederacy came along and adopted the look and lifestyle and ever since then it’s been hard to differentiate the two.

I’m what is known as an I.P.A.D. or an Incestual Person Advocating Diversity. There have been known IPAD’s that have marched in every civil rights movement in the last 150 years. IPAD’s will often get a stainless steel crown on their right canine tooth. That is how we identify each other. Otherwise, you might hear your aunt scream “All lives matter” during sex and who wants that?

I want to break the stereotypes that people have towards the incestuously inclined. If I accidentally got my sister pregnant I would support her if she decided to get an abortion. If I had a gay cousin, I’d tap that. I was recently on the dating site 23andme and I found out that I am third cousins with a woman who is African American and the only reason I didn’t court her was because she was only a third cousin.

Maybe one-day people can look at me and not assume the worst. Maybe one day they might even add an “I” to the “LGTBQ” acronym. I know it’s a long way away but one can hope. But if there is one message I’d like for you to take away from this, it is this. It doesn’t matter if you are black, white, brown, gay, straight, trans, cis or however you identify. As long as one of your parents is a sibling to one of my parents you are beautiful in my eyes.

Republicans Suggest Americans Just Invest Stimulus Check Into Stock Market 70 Years Ago

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

WASHINGTON — House and Senate Republicans agreed today that, rather than issue additional stimulus payments, Americans would be better off investing their previous stimulus in the stock market 70 years ago.

“We know $1,200 isn’t much — heck, I could leave a waiter a $1,200 tip if I believed in helping poor people,” croaked Mitch McConnell while eating a whole head of cabbage. “But the average American should be able to afford life just fine if they don’t exceed the typical $500 for monthly rent, groceries, housing, utilities, and healthcare. Personally, I always set roughly $1,000 of my taxpayer-provided paycheck aside to invest in markets I care about, such as uterine farming and manila envelopes. We’ve given the American people everything they need and more; we can’t pay them to live. What are they, senators?”

Financial advisors are encouraging clients to make early investments in markets that have thrived for decades.

“You could own Google, man!!” screamed Jordan Stemper, a clearly coked-out investment analyst. “Even better, you could go back to the Depression — I think $1,200 made you a legal emperor back then. You could buy a whole state and make them wear space suits all the time. Oh, shit! You could buy NASA, go to the fuckin’ moon, and just be like, ‘I own this now.’ Fuck, I love being a genius. You want a bump?”

While trans-chronological investment is still theoretical, experts are worried about the potential butterfly effect on the economy and history.

“Any fluctuation in the patchwork quilt of precedence could be catastrophic,” elaborated a hysterical Dr. Emmet Kutcher, professor in theoretical physics and economics at MIT. “The Nazis could win WWII, Nixon could stay in office for 30 years, and ‘Full House’ could become the longest-running and only TV show, all just by loaning Bill Gates $100. Your best bet is to invest in something evergreen — like weapons manufacturing. The returns would be great, and its omnipresence ensures no true disruption to the quantum status quo. Plus, there’s no chance of you becoming your own grandfather. Unless you’re into that.”

At press time, Congress had approved a $5 billion subsidy for pharmaceutical companies to develop a COVID vaccine they will sell for $3,000 per dose.

We Listened to Half a Propagandhi Album and Came to While Setting a Wells Fargo on Fire

Posted on by John Danek

In these politically-charged times, nothing quite gets the punk heart pounding like politically-charged melodic hardcore and no one does that better than Canadian punk legends, Propagandhi. The band is responsible for so many anthems for the marginalized, underrepresented, and oppressed. Admittedly, we haven’t listened to Propagandhi in a hot minute so we put on on the album “Potemkin City Limits,” blacked out, and came to 6 tracks later, holding a blow torch and looking up at a flaming Wells Fargo. Here’s our album review!

It opens with “A Speculative Fiction” and God DAMN, this song still slaps. About halfway through the song, we got the first urge to exercise since quarantine started. “We’ll take the whole fuckin’ world down! Down with us in flames!” Hell yes! That’s the last thing we remember before feeling the heat of the flames of justice.

This track leads into “Fixed Frequencies,” which we have no memory of. Our girlfriend told us we started bashing our head against the front door for a few seconds because “the drums are just THAT good. Did you hear that part, let me rewind!” We vaguely remember singer/guitarist Chris Hannah’s voice ask “When did punk rock become so safe?” but we’re not sure if that was a lyric or if he was the one who gave us the blow torch.

Suddenly, the smell of gasoline. We opened our eyes and realized we were already standing up. Someone to our left was waving a red gas canister, dousing the corner of a building. We were holding the aforementioned blow torch that Chris Hannah may or may not have supplied. We looked up and saw some yellow letters on a red background, but our vision was still coming into focus. “But in every war waged / Only kings emerge unscathed.”

We lit that fucker up. Instantly, the building went up in flames. The second “L” in “Wells Fargo” was the first letter to fall right before the sign disintegrated. We mimed the guitar solo in “Die Jugend Marschiert.” We were lightheaded.

Rockin’ fuckin’ album. 10/10. This was way better than the time we listened to “How to Clean Everything” and straight-up fell asleep.

GG Allin Impersonator Arrested for It

Posted on by Wilson Conkwright

ORLANDO — Local GG Allin impersonator Darius Boone was arrested last week on a slew of charges directly related to his tribute to his musical idol.

“I just got done pissing into my own mouth, and I was about to throw a bunch of dirty needles at people when the fucking pigs showed up,” said Boone. “I tried to tell the cops that this was all part of the show and people loved it — I didn’t even get to the part where I bash my face in with the mic, shit into my hand, rub it into my open wounds, and throw the rest of the shit at the sound guy when he’s not looking. I intentionally got hepatitis C to give the show an extra element of danger, and the cops fucked it all up.”

Sadly, these are not new issues for Boone and his cover band, GG’s Copy Cunts, who were scheduled to play at a local tiki bar last Tuesday where staff canceled their performance before it began.

“I knew we had a problem when this guy showed up covered in puke and kept insisting someone finger his asshole,” said bar manager Henry Gomez. “When I told him he had to put on some semblance of clothes to be in my bar, he stuck his head between his legs and farted in my face. He had dingleberry flapping like a flag in the wind — if that thing fell off somewhere in the bar, the health department could shut me down on the spot. I had to protect myself, and only four people showed up anyway, so I called the cops and let them take care of the guy.”

Ofc. Ken Blump was not pleased to be the first responder.

“He claimed it was all for the sake of art… but I don’t know what kind of art requires you to cut your private parts with broken glass and then bounce your torn-up nutsack around all over the place. Clearly, this guy needs help,” said Blump. “And I’m pretty sure I’m going to need a new squad car, because that guy did some damage to the interior during the five-minute drive to the station: we had to hit him with a garden hose before we even brought him in, and once he was inside, he finally broke character and apologized for all the diarrhea.”

“He’s facing a few years in prison, and for what? To dress up like a no-good punk that everyone hates anyway?” Blump added. “Doesn’t make sense to me.”

Pundits worry that impersonations of problematic musicians are on the rise, especially with President Trump’s recent tweets that closely resemble Anal Cunt’s lyrics.

Citizens of Rapture Unsure Where to Put Torn Down Andrew Ryan Statue

Posted on by David Sitrick

RAPTURE — Confusion reigned in the underwater metropolis of Rapture today after residents tore down the imposing statue of patriarch Andrew Ryan at the entrance to the city, and were left unsure exactly what to do with it.

“We were all set to go dump this big fucker in a lake or a river or something,” explained one protester. “Then we looked around. That’s kinda where we’ve been stationed since.”

The isolated underwater city has proven troublesome for disposing of the oversized bust. The crumbling infrastructure, left in the wake of a ravaging civil war in the late 50s, has yet to be fully rebuilt, leaving protesters to decide what corner of ruin is best for stashing the fallen statue. 

“I wanted to dump the thing in a Bathysphere and tell it to fuck off, but there’s only one working one left in the poor neighborhoods,” explained the protester. “And good luck trying to get this big ass thing past the Splicer Cops guarding the spheres in the rich neighborhoods. I’m about ready to toss it in the yard of whoever thought it was a good idea to yank it down in the first place.”

The Rapture Police Department’s squad of ADAM-enhanced shock troopers have caused many problems for protesters throughout this latest period of unrest in the city, as the department’s quick tempers and hair-trigger use of plasmids have quickly become the conflict’s focal point. 

“I’m out here with nothing but a wrench I had with me from work,” said another exasperated protester known only as Jack. “Meanwhile these fuckin’ Splicer Cops are hitting us with lightning, ice storms, they even dragged an old Big Daddy out from somewhere and trudged it out to fuck us up. I guess nobody told them using Big Daddies these days is a war crime.” 

In the meantime, the statue seems to have for the moment been abandoned in the city center, with RPD officers finally having dispersed the unruly crowd after asking them to “please return to your homes, would you kindly.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

New Call of Duty Game Imagines What If Russia Attacked Own Civilians in Fictional City of PФЯҬLДИD

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision announced that the next game in the Call of Duty franchise, Call of Duty: Uprising, will take place in the fictional Russian city of PФЯҬLДИD, allowing American soldiers to aid Russian civilians in the fight against their oppressive government.

“To be perfectly clear, the city of PФЯҬLДИD — pronounced ‘Rfyatldid’ — is not based on any real world city or events,”  said lead developer Todd Whittle in an announcement video. “It’s simply based on the idea that we, as Americans, all know in our hearts that something funky is going on in Russia and the Middle East. Something funky that red-blooded Americans should be able to roleplay stopping at nothing to defeat with some good ole patriotic violence of our own. That’s where Call of Duty comes in.”

“And no, we don’t really feel bad about making up a fake city to defend,” Whittle continued. “Because if something like PФЯҬLДИD did exist — government agents kidnapping protesters for no reason other than speaking out against injustice — it would obviously be immoral. That’s why we’re lucky it’s something that only exists in our video game.”

Despite Whittle’s insistence, however, story developer Joey Barnes claims that the game is somewhat based on reality.

“I have the easiest job in the fucking world, dude,” Barnes said in a phone interview. “Once a year I look up some shit that America did recently and I flip it to be someone with a weird accent. People ask me all the time in pitch meetings how I come up with my killer ideas for plotlines and I don’t have the heart to tell them that my co-writer for this one is Attorney General William Barr. I’m not doing political satire or whatever, I’m just too lazy to change things more than I have to.”

At press time, Activision hinted at a possible DLC that lets players act as U.S. soldiers fighting corrupt Venezuelan politicians who keep their power by locking up its own citizens for minor drug offenses, stripping them of their right to vote.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Committed Frank Turner Gains 40 Pounds to Cover Fat Mike’s Songs for New Split Album

Posted on by Bobby Korec

HAMPSHIRE, England — Popular singer-songwriter Frank Turner gained 40 extra pounds over the last month to properly play and cover NOFX singer Fat Mike’s songs for the new “West Coast vs. Wessex” split album, sources deeply concerned for Turner’s health reported.

“I’ve always seen myself as the Christian Bale of music — and now, I will forever be known as the world’s first ‘method’ musician,” Turner said before seeing how many Oreo cookies he could fit in his mouth at once. “The record company strongly recommended I just wear a fat suit to get into character, but did Mr. Bale wear a skinny suit in ‘The Machinist?’ I don’t think so. Anyway, I’m already hearing Grammy buzz about my performance, so aside from every doctor and family member warning against this new lifestyle choice, I look like an absolute genius.”

For his part, Michael John Burkett, a.k.a. Fat Mike, has some concerns about Turner.

“I’m not even that fat,” said Burkett while standing on a scale measuring him at 192 lbs. “Sure, the word ‘fat’ is in my stage name, record label, at least a dozen samplers, drivers license, personal email address, birth certificate, social security card, and all of my public apology statements, but there’s way more to me than just being the heaviest guy in my band. I can’t think of anything else right now, but I swear there’s more to me.”

Historically, the art world has been no stranger to body transformations.

“You wouldn’t believe the amount of damage artists put their bodies through in the name of art that will largely be forgotten soon after,” said Hollywood dietician Judy Garringter. “But it’s a surefire way to get some extra PR for your work. Unfortunately, people ultimately end up talking more about the weight gain or loss instead of the actual quality of the work itself. For instance, no one tells you whether ‘Monster’ is a good movie, but every single film bro is quick to note exactly how many pounds Charlize Theron gained for the role, what she ate, and her before and after measurements. It’s pretty creepy.”

After the album release and tour, Turner plans to lose all the weight and start working out every day to play Henry Rollins for a few covers.

Need some new music while you are sitting around at home? Check out “West Coast vs Wessex” the new album from Fat Mike and Frank Turner by clicking here.

Secret Police Charged Extra $50 for Returning Rental Vans Bloody

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHICAGO — An Avis car rental in Lincoln Park is trying to send the federal government a $50 cleaning bill today to remove the blood from the rental vans used by Trump’s secret police during raids in the last week, an Avis spokesperson confirmed.

“I was completely on board with renting out our entire fleet to the federal police. I mean, they wanted 20 vans, plus the additional insurance! I figured they’d be using them for transporting some sweet tactical gear or ammo and stuff,” said Avis franchise owner Mike Mullaney. “But they returned the vans a few days later in the middle of the night, with bloodstains all over the interiors and missing license plates. I guess they must’ve been attacked by those violent protester moms. I’m willing to give them a break for not returning the vans with full tanks, but now I’m out $50 to rent a carpet cleaner.”

“Problem is, I don’t know who to send the bill to, “Mullaney added. “The guy who came in was wearing a gas mask and signed the papers, ‘Thomas Jefferson.’ All I can do is send the bill to the White House and hope for the best. I’m assuming Trump is the one in charge of these guys anyway.”

While management was working out who would pay for the extra cleaning, the rental company’s employees expressed concern over what they found inside the vans.

“You gotta be shitting me if you think I’m going to touch anything inside those vans. It’s not just blood in these things — the first one I opened smelled like burnt hair, and another one was coated in tear gas residue. I almost passed out,” said employee Jack Polakowski. “We’ve had vans rented out by the crustiest of punk bands that came back in better condition than this. Plus, you know how hard it is to get blood out of a car seat? I’m not gonna clean up after these fucking pigs for minimum wage.”

An anonymous representative from the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement after several other car rental companies from other cities came forward with reports of their vehicles being returned in shambles.

“The stories of government employees mishandling rental vehicles have been completely blown out of proportion,” read the release. “Federal police merely rented these vehicles in cities with violent ANTIFA activity to escort the elderly to church, and reports of the vans returning splattered with blood was merely an incident where a cherry pie was dropped after the driver swerved to avoid hitting a kitten.”

Mullaney is considering sending an additional cleaning invoice after discovering a protester bound and gagged in the trunk of a Chrysler Pacifica.

Hey! The Real Fascists Are the Ones Getting Arrested off the Street by Unidentified Heavily Armed Military Jack Booted Thugs Lead by an Authoritarian Megalomaniac Leader!

Posted on by Ryan Danley

I know all you libs are sitting home and watching the Lamestream Media right now. You’re seeing these “protestors” get picked off the street by heavily armed Federal police and muscled to unmarked SUVs and taken to a black site. And it’s making you cry into your latte. On cue, you start calling our great President a Hitler wannabe. Well, I’ll have you know that no matter what your cuck leaders may lead you to believe, those protestors are the real fascists.

Have you been around these liberal “thought police?” They like to point fingers all day, but then they’ll ask you to use a “proper pronoun” or something. Where’s my freedom to call people whatever name I want?

You trying to silence my bigotry is just the same as rounding us up and shipping us to a camp!

I’m sorry I didn’t realize this was a “safe space.” Do you think my grandfather who grew up in the deep south in the 40s and 50s ever needed a space segregated off from a specific group of people? I don’t think so.

And of course, we can’t forget “Cancel Culture?” You want to talk fascism? You can’t even degrade human beings for entertainment without some Pinot Griggio drinking hipster sending a tweet. And you’re the ones crying about due process and being kidnapped without provocation. Where was Louis Ck’s due process? Exactly Mussolini.

Last I checked the flag at the top of the pole, this is America. And our Founding Fathers were not some snowflakes that defied authoritarian rule.

They would never let some Croc wearing Soy Boy defile a building with a can of spray paint or ask for liberty for literally every single person. They would have cheered on a gang of jackbooted secret police that answers to a man who feels like the Constitution is merely a list of suggestions. That’s the very foundation this country was built on.

GOD Bless the USA.