The Only Thing That Stops a Bad Guy With a Gun Is His Union Rep Telling Him to Take a Paid Leave Until All This Blows Over

Posted on by James Knapp

As a police union representative, let me say this in plain English for all you darn snowflakes trying to defund the police: We Need Cops! I’m sick of hearing all these anti-gun, anti-police liberals making a whole big fuss about a teensy handful of unprovoked murders.

These cops are just doing their job. Are there a few bad apples here and there? Sure. But we have a foolproof way to handle those few. We give them a nice, paid vacation so that they can think about what they’ve done while everyone else forgets that anything ever happened. Problem solved!

That’s the cold, hard truth right there. What else would you propose to do? Waste my tax dollars on unarmed emergency response professionals to handle situations without firing a machine gun indiscriminately into a crowd. How will we ever crackdown on this country’s scourge of loiterers and black pedestrians that way? We may as well live in anarchist Russia, you damn hippies.

Clearly, the only solution is to give these cops the time and money they need to work on themselves. I took the same approach with my own son after I found out he was torturing stray cats in the basement. Since I pulled him out of school and raised his allowance he hasn’t strangled a single kitten to death that I’m aware of.

Okay, he did later blow up my tool shed with a homemade pipe bomb, but I’m sure once I buy him a new car and send him on spring break in Cancun that will sort itself out as well.

So if you really want to stop these so-called “bad guys” then maybe you should put a little more faith in our time tested institutions and accept that sometimes serving and protecting is going to require some random killings. But who are we kidding, you’re gonna forget all about this the next time the President tweets something goofy or farts during a press conference. Just let the cops enjoy their homicide-cation before getting back to what they do best. I’m sure they’ll learn their lesson this time.

Petrified Straight Edge Man Wakes up to Realization He Broke Edge Last Night While Blackout Drunk

Posted on by Rick Homuth

CHICAGO — Local straight edge man Rodney Palmer woke up mortified this morning after realizing he’d broken edge while blackout drunk the night before, sources confused by the entire situation report.

“Ah, fuck me. Not again. Fucking fuck,” said Palmer, pacing back and forth in his bedroom and frantically chain-smoking. “The guys know I’m straight edge, and they dragged me out for a few drinks after band practice… even though I knew it was a bad idea. People don’t understand: this straight edge shit is my life. I wouldn’t have all the T-shirts and tattoos if I wasn’t totally committed. I totally lost control after only, like, three beers! What a fucking joke.”

Palmer’s fellow band members in straight edge hardcore band CleanxConscience admitted their tacit involvement, but did not hold back their disapproval.

“Ok, listen. Palmy and I have been boys since day one — since we took ‘the vow’ together after stealing some vodka from his ma’s liquor cabinet,” said Emilio Marti, bassist. “And, sure, maybe last night I bought an extra Jager Bomb for the table because I knew he couldn’t resist. But you gotta be able to control yourself after a few drinks when you’re doing this shit ‘til death. And look what happened!”

However, witnesses claimed that isn’t the whole truth.

“Those Chicago Wolf Pack kids come in, I’d say, two or three times a week,” said Doug Larme, owner of local bar Larme’s Way. “Usually they just drink a few boilermakers, pocket my Magnum Sharpies, and complain that the TouchTunes doesn’t have any Bridge Nine stuff. But last night… hoo, boy. That one kid went hard. Those big Xs he had on the back of his hands were nearly gone by the end of the night because he was wiping so much beer from his lips. Plus, he forgot all the lyrics to that ‘Revenge’ song they always shout out when they get that liquored up.”

Unfortunately, Palmer has reportedly been ousted as drummer for ClearxConscience, and Marti is allegedly recommending an acquaintance he knew from the methadone clinic as a replacement.

Zork Remaster Improves Player’s Imagination

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — The classic text adventure Zork has been updated for a new generation, with totally overhauled whimsy to stimulate player imagination.

“It’s kinda hard to describe the improvements they made,” said one Zork fan. “What it reminds me of is the first time you hold your child, and you realize that you have never felt so much unconditional love in your life, and through that love, anything is possible. Yeah, I’d say it’s a lot like that.”

The developers of Zork Remaster, Flathead Interactive, have preserved the authentic text adventure gameplay by not adding any graphics, music or a map. Months of development crunch were instead dedicated to enhancing childlike wonder per second and benchmarking wanderlust generation. Longtime fans can also now choose from three different fonts, and use up to 30 new adverbs that will not be spoiled here.

“I’d like to say all this was my idea, but what got me turned onto this project was a mysterious voice that no one else in my family could hear,” said Flathead Interactive founder Bruce Anderson when asked what motivated the remaster. “It sounded so soft, and so real. The voice told me that Zork had a lot of brand appeal online, and read to me a design document as I laid awake in bed.” 

Anderson then turned from reporters interviewing him, nodding as if he were listening to someone, and said, “You’re right, I never give myself enough credit.”

Zork Remaster has proven to be a smash hit amongst gamers, selling millions of copies within the first week and maintaining the highest number of concurrent players on Steam. Reviews have also been universally positive.

“The immersion doesn’t end with the game, if you can call it a game,” says Richard Woods of IGN. “I see visions of the Great Underground Empire when I sleep, or perhaps that’s me finally awakening to my true form? I can see it all, the little white house, the glow of my sword when danger is nearby, the hordes of treasure just waiting to be taken. Everyday, the constraints of my job and home feel more like the fiction, a constraint placed on me that I need only to burst free from.”

To celebrate the successful launch, Zork Remaster will be completely free to download all of next week. “We want as many people as possible to experience the magic,” Anderson said. “We wouldn’t want anyone left behind.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Anti-Video Game Senator Caught Blowing Nintendo Cartridge in Airport Bathroom

Posted on by Brandon Puff

NEW YORK CITY —  Notorious anti-video game Senator Bob Sandleson was found this weekend blowing a video game cartridge inside a bathroom stall in JFK airport yesterday.

“I went in there, and as soon as I sat down I heard the guy in the stall next to me huffing and puffing,” said security guard Jeff Bowman, who discovered the scene during a break. “I didn’t know what was going on except that I was sure it sounded inappropriate. Then I heard him yell an obscenity and a copy of Super Mario Bros dropped on my foot. You see kids and addicts doing this kind of stuff in here, but I never expected it to be such a vocally anti-gaming Republican Senator. I asked him if he wanted the cartridge that he dropped back and he just yelled something about not being a gamer and ran out.”

When news of the incident became public, the senator held a press conference to address the allegations while taking excessive sips of water.

“I am not a gamer, I have never been a gamer.” said the senator while dabbing sweat from his forehead. I found that copy of Super Mario Bros on the floor of the restroom. Once I realized it was a video game I started hyperventilating because I know how dangerous those damn things can be. I tried snapping it in my hands right then and there but it slipped and I dropped it on the floor. I left the bathroom once I saw a security officer had picked it up, and I thought I could trust him to dispose of it, instead he spread baseless rumors. We need to focus on the real problem here, and that is the threat of video games corrupting the youth.”

Shortly after the press conference concluded, pictures of the senator playing Pokémon Blue with Jeffrey Epstein via a link cable surfaced. The senator refused to comment on them.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Man With “The Views I Express Are My Own” in Bio Just Wants to Ask You a Question

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

CARMEL, Ind. — Used car salesman and Turning Point USA volunteer Jeremy “J-Man” Johnson confronted an elementary school teacher on Facebook today that resulted in a 30-day ban from the social network, irate amateur First Amendment scholars confirmed.

“I just wanted to know if this so-called ‘teacher’ would let George Soros substitute-teach in her classroom. Why wouldn’t she answer me? It’s probably because she knows his pedo-ring would swallow those kids whole and she’d never see them again,” said Johnson. “This nation is crumbling because pansexual 5G feminist immigrants who can’t use the right bathrooms are ruining the nuclear family and our economy! That said, I do need to make it clear these beliefs are most definitely mine, and do not reflect those of my employer in any way.”

Johnson’s former client Hillary Millard apologized after she was tagged in a comment during the fight.

“I guess the guy I bought a car from in October thought I would have his back in some fight with an elementary school choir teacher about the communist roots of her bake sale,” she stated bewilderedly. “I’m sorry if anybody thought I was on this dude’s side. Most teachers have to buy their own supplies, so I didn’t see the problem about an online fundraiser for masks and gloves. I’m also not sure why he kept asking where all the ghosts have gone, or why the CIA is researching ectoplasm.”

Dr. Jamie Kizer, a social media specialist and professor of etiquette at the University of Wisconsin, offered some advice on how to deal with individuals like Johnson.

“You should steer clear of absolutely anyone with a profile picture that is a selfie shot using their forward-facing camera that is impossibly blurry, and who feels the need to remind people that they will be expressing their opinions often,” said Kizer. “This is the kind of person who will kill your dog and claim it proves the kids at Sandy Hook were crisis actors. No matter what they want, do not engage — it only feeds them further and makes them more delusional.”

When Johnson’s employer, Johnson Family Auto Sales, was reached for comment, Jeremy’s father Waylon said, “Goddammit, Jeremy. Not this shit again,” and hung up.

Legendary “Field Of Dreams” Now Just Mass Grave for COVID Deaths

Posted on by Ryan Danley

DYERSVILLE, Iowa — The magical “Field of Dreams” that once hosted the ghosts of baseball greats like “Shoeless” Joe Jackson and Mel Ott has been transformed into a mass, unmarked grave for the small town’s many COVID-19 fatalities.

“After we filled the cemetery, we unfortunately had to start digging up that mystical baseball field. Sure, we could’ve avoided all this by simply wearing masks, but this is America. Don’t tread on me, pal,” said Dyersville Mayor Chuck Hamilton. “But now in addition to the dead ball players, the spirits of everyone who has been buried in the field keeps showing up, too… which has made games nearly impossible to play. Apparently, ghost Richie Ashburn sprained his ankle after he tripped over a fresh corpse.”

While the impromptu gravesite has solved a community problem, recent additions to the “Field of Dreams” aren’t very happy.

“I assumed after being a devout Catholic my whole life, I’d be rewarded with eternal paradise. But after I died I was instead handed a glove, told I was batting sixth, and pushed out to right field,” said newly recruited ghost outfielder Davey Anderson. “At first I thought it was cool to play baseball in the afterlife. But it’s like, all we do, nonstop. And this game is so goddamn boring. Can’t we throw around a football once in a while? I’m realizing I’m definitely in hell.”

While players are struggling with the idea of spending an eternity arguing about who gets to play shortstop, President of Posthumous Baseball Scouting Terry Linn sees an untapped talent pool.

“Thanks to all the new bodies buried here, we’ve had some great baseball over the past three months. But the recent outbreak of COVID among current MLB players could really open things up for us,” said an excited Linn. “I’m really hoping Aaron Judge or Mike Trout contract this horrible, deadly respiratory illness so they can come play for us. They would really help fill out our lineups — we need a winning season.”

When reached for comment, original builder of the “Field of Dreams” Ray Kinsella was too busy arguing with his ghost father about Pete Rose’s Hall Of Fame eligibility to respond.

Burrito Disgusted by Person Eating It

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — A burrito purchased at a local 7-11 today was beyond repulsed by the disgusting schlub who bought and consumed it, sources who knew the burrito well report.

“Jesus Christ, look at this fucking slob. This piece of shit came into the store tonight in this stained-covered undershirt and sweatpants with holes in the crotch!” noted the amalgamation of meat, beans, cheese, and flour that had been warming over a heat lamp for the past 13 hours, still awaiting its consummation. “My heart sank the second this repellant creature headed towards my case — I knew he was going to buy me as soon as I saw him. He was digging in his ass the whole walk home, and didn’t even bother to wash his hands or put me on a clean plate. It’s like he just gave up on trying to be human.”

The 7-11 clerk who sold the burrito to its final owner agreed.

“The overnight shift doesn’t really bring in the highest caliber folks, but this obnoxious slug was in a category of his own,” noted longtime clerk Brian Davis. “I was refilling the Slurpee machines, and normally a door beep alerts me when someone walks in… but I didn’t need that, because the dude let out a belch so loud it knocked a 5-Hour Energy drink off the counter. And when he paid for the burrito and I saw that he put nacho cheese and ketchup on it, I just asked him to leave his money on the counter, because I was not touching these greasy paws of his. I try not to judge the customers, but for fuck’s sake, have some respect for your body, man.”

For his part, village oaf and burrito consumer Dom Pulaski was nonplussed by the ire he drew from both inanimate and living objects.

“It’s 3 a.m., and I just needed something to get the taste of Old Milwaukee and Pall Malls out of my mouth,” Pulaski said with a mouth full of food. “I’m not getting all dolled up just to go to the goddamn store. What am I, the fucking Queen of England? My sweats are comfy, and I didn’t want to change out of them. You got a fucking problem with that, quit staring at my goods!”

The burrito tried to tell Pulaski to Google staph infection symptoms with its last words, but was unable to be heard over the sound of its wet, squishy demise.

We Sit Down With Legendary Chart-Toppers “Various Artists”

Posted on by Alex Salcido

No matter how old you are or where you’re from, you likely grew up listening to iconic chart-topping kings, “Various Artists.” With a larger-than-life career spanning decades, they’ve given us hit albums such as “70’s AM Gold” (1994), the classic, yet divisive “MTV Jock Jamz” (1995), “Batman Forever: Music From The Motion Picture” (1998), and their magnum opus, “Godzilla: The Album” (1998).

Recently, The Hard Times was thrilled to book an interview with “Various Artists,” to discuss their storied career as well as the legacy they plan to leave behind. We couldn’t be more excited.

The Hard Times: Holy shit. Sorry to geek out like this, but you are heroes of ours.
Hey, thanks for having us, we appreciate ya too. Been reading since before we were even a band!

Well, that’s not possible. We’re going to assume the decades of sex, drugs, and various genres have taken a toll on your collective brain functioning. Let’s dive into the interview! You have this giant catalog, spanning generations. What works stand out to you as personal favorites?
What do you mean, “generations?” We’ve only been a band for like five years. We’re called Various Artists, and we’re signed to Enigma Records. We’re from Tempe, AZ, and we’re all in our late twenties

And we’ll definitely get to that. So, how did the Godzilla record come to be?
The movie soundtrack? Hell if we know. Usually whatever record label is financially connected to the film’s production studio gets a bunch of their artists to contribute a song not good enough for their album or a laughably low-effort “remix” of their most recent single.

So what was it like working with Jimmy Page?
That wasn’t us! We’re the surf-punk band “Various Artists,” from Tempe, Arizona. …Do you think all compilation albums are by the same literal band?

So you’re not really Various Artists?
No. That’s… not even a thing. That’s an impossible concept.

*checks notes* Well, then. Would you like to listen to the Batman Forever soundtrack?
Dude, fuck yeah. You know Sunny Day Real Estate is on that soundtrack?
Who?

Devastated Landlord Also Losing Unemployment Benefits

Posted on by Kevin Tit

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Career landlord and general piece of shit Tyler Simpson was devastated to learn today that he’s also losing his tenants’ unemployment benefits, evicted tenants confirm.

“I can’t believe this is happening to me. How the hell am I supposed to survive?” asked Simpson, the six-unit property owner who hasn’t held a real job since his parents bought the rental property in 2014. “Covid cases are up, and if my tenants can’t go back to work, how the hell am I supposed to get paid? Their unemployment checks have been a game changer for me — none of my tenants have been late on rent in months. In fact, some even paid for a few months in advance. If they let these benefits run out, then it’s obvious the government doesn’t care about landlords.”

One of Simpson’s tenants agreed about losing their unemployment benefits.

“I’m 35 years old and I might have to move back in with my parents. This sucks so fucking hard,” said former resturaunt manager Ariana Stone. “I pleaded with Tyler to waive rent until the world calmed down and I could find work again, but he kept insisting he ‘still has bills to pay just like everybody else.’ This scumbag already owns the property I’m renting — he’s just using the money to pay off a new boat he bought right before I lost my job. Fuck that guy.”

Republican Senator Pat Roberts was one of many to vote against extending unemployment benefits.

“We need to get this economy going again, and extending benefits is just giving people incentive to not go back to work,” said the pro-gun, anti-abortion senator. “But we’re not heartless; we know how much this decision affects hard-working landlords who have to call repairmen weeks after tenants report something on the property has broken. We plan on offering direct support to all property owners across the country to ensure none of our elite are left behind or forgotten during this difficult time.”

At press time, Mr. Simpson was seen using his government assistance money to completely renovate the vacant units into a private movie theatre.

Number of Video Games Worldwide Hits Record High

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Experts have released a troubling new report that the number of video games worldwide has hit a record high.

“These findings are absolutely devastating,” said lead researcher Katherine Dominguez. “We really wanted to see these numbers begin to decrease, but time after time, the worldwide number of video games just keeps shooting up. Never once has the number of video game titles gone down. No video games have ever gone away. They just keep coming and coming. God help us all.”

According to the study, experts worry that the number of video games worldwide may become overwhelming within the next few years.

“It’s alarming. Every day I open up the Steam store and my heart sinks, seeing all the new titles,” said researcher Charles Bailey. “And let me be clear: I don’t think that individual video game consumption is to blame. We need strong international regulations to halt the march of video games. It’s the only way to save our planet.”

Despite the terrifying statistics, gamers seem oblivious to their impending doom.

“Apparently 400 new games came out today and like half of them are on Game Pass. I downloaded them all,” said gamer Mark Coleman. “I don’t even know if I’ll play ‘em! I just like having them in my collection. I have thousands of games and every day I add more. People say it’s reckless, but I’m going to live forever.”

At press time, the United States lost the entire city of San Francisco after it became entirely submerged in video games.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: