NEW YORK — Huge, anthropomorphic canary and “Sesame Street” cast member Big Bird was arrested late last night for loitering outside of the Love Puppet, a sex club in the “Sesame Street” Red Light District, distressed PBS representatives confirmed.
“I don’t think any of this is very fair. I just heard I could learn a fun new dance if I asked for ‘Sugar’ at the Love Puppet,” said the beloved children’s show character after conferring with his attorney. “But I wasn’t in there very long before a police man wrestled me to the ground — he put me in handcuffs, and even brought out a tiny little pair for my teddy bear, Radar. And he asked me if I understood my rights as he read them to me, but he didn’t even have a storybook. I just want to go home to my nest.”
Muppet police officer Krupky suggested a different story.
“I responded to a call that someone was mocking and humiliating Love Puppet patrons with basic, easily understandable questions about their activities at the club,” claimed Krupky. “I arrived at the scene to a coked-out, 8-foot-tall avian asking customers if they’d like to learn what the letter ‘D’ stands for. Per my conflict escalation training, I instinctively reached for my gun, but luckily for everyone, Big Bird’s imaginary friend Snuffleupagus jumped in front of him before I could pull the trigger.”
PBS is seizing the opportunity to teach its young audience about the more mature subjects involved.
“Sex work, masturbation, drug use, police brutality, Miranda rights: take your fucking pick, right? Big Bird, a children’s icon, arrested at a gentlemen’s club? I mean, the general public didn’t even know ‘Sesame Street’ had a red light district. That’s a buffet of trauma we’re going to get to unpack for years,” said Howard Dougherty, a writer on the show. “Of course, ‘Sesame Street’ has a long history of educating children on real world issues. But we haven’t had something that hits this close to home since the Count came out as an anti-vaxxer.”
Furthering the “Sesame Street” star’s legal woes, Big Bird’s name was reportedly mentioned several times in a recently unsealed email correspondence between Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell.
