New Version of Batman Screams Constantly to Navigate in the Dark

Posted on by Brandon Puff

BURBANK, Calif. — DC Comics has announced the newest iteration of Batman, who will navigate through the cold, dark streets of Gotham by screaming continuously.

“We want to portray Batman as the primal force of justice that he is,” said lead writer Jason Maxwell. “We were able to accomplish this new design goal by having Batman use hyper-realistic bat abilities, including echolocation.” Jason Maxwell then screeched at high volume to demonstrate exactly what readers could expect from the new Batman.

Some fans have raised concerns over this new design, fearing that if Batman screams all the time it might take away from the dark and brooding monologues the character is known for.

Maxwell addressed these concerns just as soon as he finished several minutes of screeching.

“We understand that a Batman who is always screaming at high volumes is not a character that everyone will enjoy. We also want to assure the fans that despite the changes we are making, the character will still maintain the core values of who he is. Batman is still going to fight for truth and justice, he will just be yelling at all times while he does it. Like, never not yelling.”

Despite these attempts at calming fans, there were many who still wanted their beloved non-screaming Batman to make a return. One such fan donned a Batsuit and then uploaded a video bashing the choices made by Maxwell and DC Comics.

“This is the worst thing to happen to Batman since his parents were killed. Maxwell and DC are taking this character and running him into the ground,” said Batmanfan99, age 35, while his parents were heard arguing in the background. “Batman is meant to dress up like a bat and fight crime with his bare hands and a ton of super cool gadgets and custom armored vehicles, plain and simple. Making the character scream while he does it is just ridiculous.”

In a follow-up blog post after the announcement, Maxwell revealed that this new version of Batman would also fight Gotham’s pest problem by consuming upwards of three thousand insects per night while on patrol.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Furious Wes Anderson Punches Drywall After Getting Outbid on eBay for Vintage $16k Dollhouse

Posted on by John Danek

PARIS — Auteur director Wes Anderson reportedly punched a hole into the drywall of his penthouse apartment last night after getting outbid on a Victorian-era dollhouse, frightened cleaning staff reported.

“God fucking damnit! Outbid? Who did it? You cocksucker! You’re really going to pay 16 and a half large for some dusty old dollhouse? You don’t deserve to have that money to begin with!” Anderson reportedly shouted at his anonymous auction opponent before throwing his bare fist through a mauve wallpapered wall. “Bro, can you even appreciate the craftsmanship of a Mancunian artisan circa 1890? I doubt it, dickweed. I’m so fuckin’ tilted right now.”

Frequent collaborators with Anderson admit that, despite his works’ twee sense of delicate intention, the director’s behavior is much more akin to an angry high school sophomore.

“I remember once on the set of ‘The Life Aquatic’ when craft services ran out of Mountain Dew Code Red, and he flipped the entire table of vegetables and donuts in a rage,” recounted actor Willem Dafoe. “He then shut himself in his trailer and blasted Godsmack while shadowboxing. He has the worst taste in music, and producers always have to beg him to fill his soundtracks with ‘60s mod and folk songs instead of nü-metal. He even tries to get actors into character for dramatic scenes by making them listen to Limp Bizkit’s ‘Boiler’ with him. When it comes to his movies, I’m just in it for the paycheck.”

Film theorist Dr. Ingrid Williamson claimed that directors’ works are not always a reflection of their personalities.

“People assume directors like Wes Anderson are sensitive, thoughtful creators because their films contain intricate beauty,” explained Dr. Williamson, who teaches auteur theory classes at Bates College. “But often, these movies are created despite their directors personal tendencies. Wes, in particular, is such a fucking bro — he routinely holds up production just so he can get one more match in on ‘Call of Duty.’’”

Anonymous sources also confirmed that Anderson’s upcoming film “The French Dispatch” is delayed indefinitely after he reportedly gave star Timothee Chalamet a severe noogie for declining an invitation to ride dirt bikes sometime.

“Stepdad Wall” in Portland Alright if You Call It “Steve Wall”

Posted on by Cory Cousins

PORTLAND, Ore. — “Mom Walls” and “Dad Walls” barricading themselves in front of local law enforcement and federal agents have now accepted the “Stepdad Wall” at BLM protests, which is cool with you calling it the “Steve Wall” if you like, sources happy with whatever makes you most comfortable report.

“We’re just happy to be here in support of racial justice,” said PortlandStepdads4RacialEquality.net webmaster and Stepdad Wall spokesperson Steve McAllister. “We’re not here to get in between the Mom Wall and the Dad Wall — they’ve been totally upfront about their intentions from the start. But we have to say, the Dad Wall seems to be pretty boozy and has a lot of excuses for not coming to weekly meetings, but who are we to judge?”

Despite the Stepdad Wall’s intentions, protesters grew incensed when they realized the Stepdad Wall might be encroaching on the Dad Wall’s territory.

“You know what? Fuck the Steve Wall!’ exclaimed local protester Fern Maitlan. “The Steve Wall thinks it can just jump right in, and it’s gonna ruin everything the Mom Wall and the Dad Wall fought for the last three months. I guess I have no say in this relationship, per usual. Whatever. The Steve Wall will never be a real Dad Wall; I don’t care how cool it thinks it is.”

Dodging a less-lethal round, Mom Wall organizer Florence Brown encouraged protestors to keep an open mind about the Steve Wall.

“The Steve Wall really stepped up to the plate when we needed it, and that’s more than I can say about the Dad Wall,” said Brown. “The Steve Wall put itself in front of cops and federal agents more than the Dad Wall ever did, even when the Dad Wall only needed to show up for a couple of hours every other weekend. Plus, the Steve Wall is much better at oral.”

Following the protest, the Steve Wall insisted that protesters clean up the garbage fires lit during the demonstration, but was undermined by the Dad Wall, who claimed that the Steve Wall was “overreacting.”

The Government Can’t Tell Me What to Do. That’s the Church’s Job

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

If there’s one thing I’m sick of, it’s these out-of-touch bureaucrats in Washington telling me how to live my life. As far as I’m concerned, it ain’t the government’s place to tell me how many guns I can own or how many people I can be married to at once. That’s for the church to decide.

I live a simple life with no need for any kind of outside intervention. I go to work, pay the taxes I see fit, and come home to my undisclosed number of wives that my church has deemed acceptable. No elected or appointed body should be able to tell me where I can bury my waste or where to put my pecker when it’s happy. The only boss of my weiner is Jesus.

Sure, I’ve had numerous people die on my property for what the state would deem “egregious safety violations.” But pastor Mark Tuttlebaum would assure me that untimely deaths are simply an express ticket to God’s Kingdom of Glory.

In a way, I almost envy my sons Jeremy and Boynton, and my daughters Penelope and Eunis, for they now rest in the lap of the Lord, far away from the cloying Oklahoma authorities and their pesky “investigations” for “extreme neglect.” Well if the state is so smart, why did they grant me partial custody

The only mask I plan on wearing is one of tolerance whenever I’m forced to interact with someone who is gay or Jewish, thank you very much.

Don’t get me wrong, the government has some purpose. I believe we need strong police and military for the purpose of punishing sinners. Every member of the police, military, and mall security should act as an extrajudicial force, ignoring any pesky amendments in order to hand out righteous punishment upon the wicked and vegans. If you have nothing to hide from the Lord, then a cop should be able to walk into your house whenever he wants.

Some will call my beliefs extreme, and that an ideal government protects the welfare of its citizens, whether it be from an accident, crime, or destructive circumstances of poverty. But if there aren’t always fires burning, why is the fire department always open? Checkmate, Chairman Bernie Sanders.

It’s about time we had a major change in this country. And if you don’t like the elaborate restructuring I deem necessary for this country to be acceptable, then you can get the h*ck out!

Ted Nugent Demands Biden Campaign Stop Playing “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” at Events

Posted on by Eli Johnson

JACKSON, Mich. — Rock‘n’roll legend Ted Nugent blasted Presidential candidate Joe Biden in an open letter today after the presumptive Democratic nominee played Nugent’s classic song “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” at yet another fundraiser.

“The Democratic Party is the antithesis of everything my music stands for,” wrote the artist known as the “Motor City Madman” to his “Nuge Letters” mailing list. “Did they take even a moment to reflect on the meaning of the lyrics? I find it decidedly ironic that the political party dedicated to firearm confiscation, wealth redistribution, and political correctness would appropriate a song about personal freedom, fundamental human liberties, and prowling for young cooze.”

The song is the second track off Nugent’s 1977 multi-platinum album “Cat Scratch Fever,” which the Biden camp has adopted as an unofficial anthem of sorts to energize donors at a number of Zoom events in recent weeks.

“Let me be clear: at no time did I give permission to Mr. Biden, or any member of the Democratic Party, to pilfer my catalogue — not ‘Wango Tango,’ not ‘Stormtroopin’,’ not ‘Jailbait,’ none of it,” confirmed the hard rock pioneer and NRA board member. “As an outspoken political activist, I pride myself in being a staunch advocate for civil liberties — which I know has put me at odds with the music industry, societal norms, and age of consent laws. I will not stand for this.”

The Biden campaign was noncommittal when asked if it would honor Nugent’s wishes.

“The Nuge has left an indelible impact on this nation’s cultural canon,” said campaign manager Jen O’Malley Dillon. “Though we don’t see eye-to-eye on every issue, we appreciate his candor and respect his right as an American to make his voice heard.”

When asked if Nugent would endorse a candidate before November, he would only say that he is still undecided.

Guy Who Peaked During Tutorial Never Moves Out of Pallet Town

Posted on by Hunter R. Thompson

KANTO — Local would-be Pokémon trainer Bobby, despite completing his initial training, receiving a Pokédex, and being fully prepared to battle across the Kanto region and beyond, has instead accepted that he’s reached his peak potential and decided to live out his post-educatory life in Pallet Town, population 9, sources say.

“Why would I want to go anywhere else?” Bobby asked, declining the opportunity to wade into the tall grass ten feet beyond his home and confront the challenge and excitement of a life well-lived. “Two weeks ago, that battle in [Professor Oak]’s lab, when I got that battle-winning crit against Gary’s Bulbasaur, man? I felt alive. There’s nothing out there that interests me after tasting that single victory. I’m content to just stay here and grow old reliving my glory day.”

Locals close to Bobby have tried and failed to coax him into leaving, and are concerned that he is squandering the greatest years of his life.

“Yeah, I’ve been keeping an eye on that kid for a while,” a local elderly resident and Pokéball enthusiast said at a recent Pallet Town council meeting. “Seemed like he and Gary were destined for greatness, to treat one another like friends and rivals, encouraging one another to become stronger to overcome any and all challenges as they conquered the region together. Now he just gets sloshed on super potions in the town square every weeknight, blasting Creed and chanting, ‘Let’s hear it for the hometown!’ until he passes out.”

Other children who have already left Pallet Town are disappointed to hear of Bobby’s failure.

“I’ve been out of Pallet Town for months now,” commented Bobby’s would-be rival Gary Oak during an interview in Celadon City after collecting his fourth gym badge. “I’ve put Gramp’s training to good use, and I’ve already developed skills I could never have learned back home, but god damn, Bobby won’t leave me alone. He keeps calling to tell me how happy he is for me, and then he calls me again two hours later calling me a sell-out traitor for leaving him, and then calls asking for money and drugs?”

“There literally aren’t stores in Pallet Town,” he continued. “There are three buildings and a rose garden. Where is he spending it all, even?”

At press time, after alienating all 8 of his neighbors, sources have confirmed that Bobby is now trying to recruit his level-6 Squirtle, Rudeboy, into his multi-level marketing scheme.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

5 Amazing Things You Missed in ‘Ghost of Tsushima’ Because Your Grandma Bought You ‘Call Of Duty: Ghosts’

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

Ghost of Tsushima has solidified itself as an instant classic of our generation, which you are painfully aware of even though your grandma accidentally bought you a copy of Call of Duty: Ghosts instead. You probably googled Ghost of Tsushima just so that you could daydream about playing it, which is why we wrote this list to generate ad revenue off you. Here are the top five amazing things from Ghost of Tsushima that you would never know about otherwise.

#5. Subtle Environmental Direction 

While you travel Tsushima Island—excuse me, when someone who owns the game travels Tsushima Island, they are led to points of interest by the mythical kamikaze wind. This naturally guides players through the expansive and well-realized open world, which is way cooler than leading them by the nose with waypoints in Call of Duty: Ghosts. Sorry, you know it’s true.

#4. Multiple Playstyles

Ghost of Tsushima allows the player to decide if they want to be an honorable samurai who fights face to face, or a stealthy ghost who uses wits and fear to defeat the invading Mongols. You can’t choose either though, because you decided to send your grandma to Gamestop alone and expected her to get the right game. Don’t blame the old lady—this is on you.

#3. Fully Customized Samurai Gear

To enhance these playstyle choices, Ghost of Tsushima offers a wide array of awesome gear to fully customize Jin. Oh, Jin is the main character by the way—not that you would know anything about that. Anyway, you can earn powerful weapons such as longbows, or find badass armor that offer special abilities while also looking stylish. Here’s an upside, though: there are definitely way more guns in Call of Duty: Ghosts! Plus it’s first person, so at least you can pretend that the main character looks cool, even though he probably doesn’t.

#2. An Epic Samurai Story

Ghost of Tsushima follows Jin, a lone samurai warrior who must learn new techniques and become stronger in order to single-handedly repel a Mongol invasion and become the legendary “Ghost” in the process. It is a classic story that is sure to satisfy any Kurosawa fan, which I hope you aren’t, otherwise you are probably going to hate Call of Duty: Ghosts. Jin’s story of discipline and honor is fully explored over a 25 hour main quest, all while immersing the player in the setting of 13th century Japan. Call of Duty: Ghost has a four-hour campaign, but maybe if you play it seven times you will get just as much out of it.

#1 Thing You Missed: Your Grandma Trying Her Best to Make You Happy

Sure, your grandma may not be the highest-rated PlayStation game on Metacritic right now, but she rates you as the best grandchild in the world. She had to go into a Gamestop of all unholy places and spend her limited income she earned over a lifetime, all so that you could have fun. While the rest of us out here are playing a masterpiece historical epic with buttery smooth combat, you get to have someone who only wants you to be happy, which you cannot get from a video game—although even if you could get it from a video game, that video game would certainly not be Call of Duty: Ghosts.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Popular New Whiskey Comes in 4-Foot Tall, 1-Inch Wide Bottle

Posted on by John Danek

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Conestoga Distillery, the makers of popular new Vulture Rye whiskey, have disrupted the market by selling their product in the least-efficient bottle seen yet in spirits, measuring four feet tall and one inch wide.

“Inspired by the Space Needle, Chimney Rock, and the Washington Monument, the Vulture Rye bottle is a testament to the quality of the whiskey inside — it’s so delicious, we simply don’t care if you can’t put this bottle on your shelf,” explained Conestoga’s master distiller Bertrand Pike. “And Lord help you if you think you’ll ever give this a quick freeze: we designed this specifically to not fit in fridges, freezers, or even the backseats of most four-door sedans.”

Whiskey lovers far and wide are fawning over Vulture Rye, despite the bottle’s design rendering it more easily knocked over than any vessel in hard liquor history.

“Vulture Rye is so good, I don’t care that I had to get a new, custom Ikea bookshelf to continue storing all my booze together,” claimed Meredith Barre, founder of DoubleWhiskeyCokeNoIce.org. “The bottle is obnoxious to bring to friends’ houses, and it’s shockingly difficult to pour, but the notes of honey, mahogany, and clove cigarettes keep me coming back again and again. I wish I could fit the whole thing in one photo.”

This month’s issue of Whiskey Advocate magazine dedicated the cover and a feature article to Conestoga Distillery’s game-changing creation.

“Back in the day, Maker’s Mark upped the annoying bottle game by slathering red wax over the cap, ensuring you get red flakes under your fingernails every time you open a new bottle,” wrote staff editor Joel Gentiloni. “Conestoga Distillery takes things a step further by creating a top-heavy bottle that you can only reasonably keep on the floor. Such iconoclastic design will go down in the history books of impractical and annoying whiskey bottles, for sure.”

Conestoga Distillery hopes to outdo their current notoriety by releasing a new scotch barrel-aged bourbon sold in a perfectly spherical, aggressively frustrating bottle.

Aging Rob Halford Hell Bent for Sweatpants

Posted on by Cory Cousins

PARADISE VALLEY, Ariz. — A seasoned and fatigued Rob Halford admitted today that after nearly five decades of donning inflexible studded leather outfits, he is now “hell bent” for some stretchy, cotton sweatpants.

“It’s not that I don’t love my dear, leather wardrobe I’ve worn all of these years with Priest,” a particularly bloated Halford said. “It’s just difficult to put these constrictive leather trousers on and still be expected to breathe, let alone run around a stage and belt out some high notes. I realize all of my wonderful fans expect me to be the guy from their concert posters at all times, but I’m just asking for a bit of bloody empathy here.”

Oliver Chapman, webmaster of the premier Judas Priest fan site Screaming4Leather.net, could not hold back his foaming dissatisfaction.

“The true fans of Judas Priest — myself and my internet friend, Colin — are highly disappointed in Rob’s decision to go full couch potato while lounging privately in his house,” decreed the Judas Priest nerd. “All we ask, as loyal fans, is that he wear spiked studded leather at all times… even while sleeping in what I can only assume is a black coffin with Harley Davidson exhaust pipes on the side.”

Famed Judas Priest lead guitarist Glenn Tipton tried to empathize.

“Look, Rob has been my mate and all for the past 40-plus years, so I can tell you that sometimes he takes things a little too seriously. I mean, that’s part of why I love the bloke — he really dives into his work,” admitted Tipton. “It’s a big reason why Priest survived all of these years; the man deserves some comfort. There was a five year stretch where he wore leather socks, and they smelled like death warmed over. I really don’t think the fans are going to be taking the piss if they see him at the grocer’s in a pair of joggers.”

Following a deluge of encouraging words from fans and friends, Halford was seen gleefully perusing the adult onesie and pajama/romper aisles at a local Target.

GOP Loosen Stance on Dead People Voting in 2020

Posted on by Kaitlyn Jeffers

WASHINGTON — The Republican Party has loosened its stance on voter suppression and ballot security ahead of this year’s general election after the U.S. surpassed 145,000 dead as the result of COVID-19.

“Republicans are under attack from a disease concocted by the Democrats to more effectively kill off our base support,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Millions of hard-working Americans have lost their jobs, and therefore, lost the health care they relied on. People are dying before they will have the chance to elect a President that can make abortions illegal, and that’s unacceptable. That’s why I’m introducing a bill that will allow every registered Republican that has died since 1984 to be allowed to vote in order to make things right.”

Local pro-life, anti-mask, pro-Second Amendment and anti-Black Lives Matter activist Dale Olrich was mounting a one-man protest at the entrance of his local Kroger.

“Thomas Jefferson said, right when he was signing the Declaration of Independence, that he would not be beholden to any libtards who want to make him look like a goddamn Mortal Kombat character,” yelled Olrich as a Kroger employee attempted to hand him a paper mask. “It is our right as Americans to not take precautions against the spread of disease during a pandemic. And if some people die and become ghosts fighting for that right, then those patriotic ghosts deserve to vote.”

Attorney General William Barr plans to tell lawmakers next week that the current guidelines against dead people voting should exempt any ghosts, apparitions, or surrogates voting on behalf of deceased relatives that spoke to them in a dream or through a spiritual medium.

“I have acted on my own, and this is in no way politically motivated: it is clear that dead people love Donald Trump, because he helped deliver a lot of them to the afterlife a lot sooner than they expected,” said Barr. “The Department of Justice has a responsibility to allow any American, alive or dead, to vote Republican. We have already installed voting booths in historic graveyards and haunted mansions across the midwest.”

The Republican Party also sought to reserve the right to go back on their stance in the event that the “dead person” vote pushes the election in favor of Democratic candidate Joe Biden.