Relationship Win! Tear Gassed Boyfriend Crying for First Time

Posted on by Mark Maira

Big day in my relationship! At a protest yesterday, for the first time ever my boyfriend cried in front of me. Emotional communication is extremely important and, before this, I could never get him to open up. I don’t know what it was exactly that got him to such a vulnerable place—the impassioned chanting, the sense of unity, the tear gas canister that exploded on his chest—but thanks to that police officer for missing the elderly woman he threw it at, my boyfriend and I have never been closer!

My boyfriend, Connor, is a pretty distant person and doesn’t like to talk about his feelings, which was, admittedly, starting to take a toll on our relationship. It’s amazing that all it took was a militarized police battalion using gas banned by the Chemical Weapons Convention to get him to open up.

He kept screaming at me to “help” and that “my heart doesn’t feel right.” Can you believe that?? He’s finally sharing his innermost vulnerabilities and making sure I know that he needs me. I will hold on to this moment like the empty tear gas canister that bricked off his chest that I took home for our scrapbook.

Then, after the police broke through the chain of linked protestors and began striking Connor with batons, he cried to me that he would, “love to go to the hospital right now.” That’s right, he used the word “love.”

He’s been in a medically induced coma for a week now as doctors fight off an infection built up in his tibia that was shattered by Portland Police Officers. To be honest, it’s been great. He’s really learning how to listen over the noise of the ventilator that assists his lungs. His wheezing and struggling to get even a single word out really shows how much effort he’s putting into building true, honest communication in this relationship.

Mike Muir Removes Bandana to Reveal Horrific Exposed Brain

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

VENICE, Calif. — Suicidal Tendencies frontman Mike Muir horrified visitors at the boardwalk yesterday when he took off his trademark bandana to wipe sweat from his neck, only to show he was completely lacking the upper portion of his skull.

“My wife and I were eating some frozen yogurt when this large man walked right in front of us and said, ‘Boy, it’s a hot one, I could sure use a Pepsi,’” said local beachgoer Bernard Perez between bouts of vomiting. “Then he took off his bandana… and there was just this wrinkled pink mass of brain sticking out the top of his head. He tried making a little bit more small talk, but my wife kept screaming and asking him to get away. I’m not sure if this was some sort of science experiment gone wrong, or maybe he was just in a motorcycle accident and his brain hadn’t processed the trauma, but either way, I probably won’t ever sleep again.”

The incident was the first of many as of late, as Muir has finally come out into the open about his condition.

“Most people assume I was going bald like that guy from Poison, but honestly, I was born like this,” said Muir after doing a series of pullups at muscle beach. “I’ve always been very insecure about my exposed brain — when I was young, kids would poke it on the playground, or sometimes a nut would fall out of a tree and hit my frontal cortex and I’d forget where I lived. Doctors tried putting a metal dome on it, but that only made it more obvious. That’s when I discovered that a bandana actually looks pretty hardcore, and no one asked questions.”

Doctors say that, while it may look peculiar, Muir is in perfect health.

“While I am not pleased he just uses a piece of cloth over his grey matter, he is very good at keeping it clean and sanitary,” said Muir’s doctor, Dr. Jackie McDaniel, Ph.D. “He brushes his brain twice a day in a mixture of salt water and peroxide. Medical technology has advanced enough that he could do a scalp transplant, but Mike feels this is part of who he is now, and I applaud him for living his life to the fullest.”

Muir is looking forward to retirement, when he can wear a fisherman’s bucket hat to cover his malformation.

City Excited to Use Funds From Defunded Police to Build New Highway Through Black Neighborhood

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SEATTLE — City Council members announced plans today to use money diverted from the Seattle Police Department to fund a new highway initiative located in the heart of the historically-Black Central District.

“We’re committed to righting the wrongs that have plagued the city’s Black community because of police violence. That is why we are so happy to announce major cuts to police funding, which will be used to create a corridor that finally connects Capitol Hill and North Beacon Hill,” said council member Andrew Lewis. “Finally, residents of Seattle will be able to quickly traverse the Central District without fear to attend brunch in some of Seattle’s hippest new diners.”

Understandably, many residents along the route of the new highway were outraged.

“This is the same shit we’ve been dealing with for years: instead of injecting money into the community so we could have better access to small business loans, mental health programs, or, hell, even a quality grocery store here or there, they just plan to destroy a bunch of homes,” said lifelong Central District resident Tamara Powers. “We want less armed police officers terrorizing us in our own neighborhood — we don’t want a new four-lane highway so a bunch of rich people can shave 15 minutes off their morning commute.”

Activists across the country warned of city governments crafting similar plans with the money cut from police budgets.

“There are a lot of cities taking a long, hard look at how much money they waste every year over-policing poor neighborhoods, and that’s a great thing. The problem is when they direct the money towards pointless or unwanted civic projects that displace Black residents,” said Andre Leguya. “We’ve already received word that Minneapolis plans to use some of the money from the police budget to build a giant statue of Arthur Fonzarelli on West Broadway for some dumb fucking reason. ‘Happy Days’ wasn’t even set in this city, and nobody on the North Side wants a 50-foot statue of The Fonz — it’s just a way to get more white people to the city so they can take pictures in front of it while wearing leather jackets.”

Because of the negative reaction to the highway plans, Seattle City Council members vowed to fund 30 more payday loan facilities in lower-income neighborhoods.

Huge OST Fan Has Never Actually Finished Final Fantasy 6 Soundtrack

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Darcy Martin, an alleged superfan of original video game soundtracks, has revealed that he has never actually finished listening to the beloved Final Fantasy 6 score in its entirety, shocked sources have confirmed.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m very familiar with it,” Martin said of Nobuo Uematsu’s iconic soundtrack, addressing and confirming the rumors that had consumed the r/gamemusic subreddit for the last several days. “In fact, I bet I could pretty much imagine how it ends, based on the first few discs of Kefka’s Domain, and all of the other soundtracks I’ve listened to. Who says finishing something is a prerequisite to it affecting and being important to you?”

The statement was made in a recent video Martin has uploaded to his YouTube channel, where he defended himself against allegations of being a fake game soundtrack listener.

“That’s bullshit dude,” read one of many highly upvoted critical replies. “Don’t run around putting it on your list of all time greats if you’ve never even finished it. Darcy is just another video game soundtrack fan doing it for the clout and not the love. It’s just so god damned depressing.” 

Martin defended his citing of the soundtrack as an influential work despite him never completing it, citing the many ways he has listened to the first dozen or so songs over the years.

“I had the CD years ago, listened to a lot of it,” he said. “Then years later I downloaded the soundtrack onto my Android, but it never quite sounded right, so I didn’t finish it then either. I know I could get it through any number of online platforms, or even just grab the original online, and I am sure I’ll get around to it one day, but I don’t know, I feel like I get it, you know?”

As of press time, Martin is just listening to the Rocket League soundtrack again instead of something with a little more substance.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Agent 47 Grateful All of Humanity Wears a 34” Inseam

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

ICA FACILITY (LOCATION UNKNOWN) — Agent 47, professional assassin, expressed great relief today at the cold hard fact that every man on earth shares the same pants size, according to those familiar with the situation. 

“Yeah, it just makes my job and life so much easier,” said Agent 47. “My line of work requires knocking out all kinds of people. Bodyguards, IT guys, professional models… you just never know. It’s great that no matter whose body I am dumping into a ravine, their jeans are gonna fit like a glove. A bloody glove” 

As everyone knows, men are born into this world at a spry 6 feet, 2 inches with broad shoulders and an athletic build and they remain this until the day they die — often at the hand of a highly trained paid assassin. This is just the way things are and always have been. However, Agent 47 told gathered reporters about a vision he had about a scary world where this isn’t the case. 

“I had this nightmare the other day that really shook me to my core. Like what if people varied in size in shape. Even by like a foot or so. In the dream, I took out a guy on my way to kill a target and his pants didn’t fit! I woke in a cold sweat. Seriously. Imagine a pair of pants that didn’t reach your shoes or rather a pair that curled up around the ankles because they’re so long,” he said, visibly disturbed by the recollection of the dream. 

Sociologists have long toyed with similar thought experiments and how they might affect society as a whole. 

“For starters, department stores would be wildly different,” said John Tailor, Professor of Sociology at Arizona State University. “Instead of simply grabbing a pair of jeans from the jeans pile, one might envision a whole row of jeans. All labeled with different lengths and widths. The inventory management of these stores would be a mess and sometimes they may not even have your size! Truly frightening.”

At press time, Agent 47 tweeted how crazy it would be if people recognized each other by their faces and not simply by the clothes they were wearing.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Woman Quarantining with New Boyfriend Hasn’t Shit in 4 Months

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

PORTLAND, Maine. — Local woman Dani Pineda has desperately hidden her humanity from her live-in boyfriend Aaron Adams by not shitting at all for the past four months, due to the pandemic forcing the couple to remain quarantined together, worried sources confirmed.

“We signed a lease on a place together in March… and then quarantine hit. The coronavirus fallout has been a real test of our relationship and the durability of my now severely impacted rectum,” said Pineda. “We order groceries online, and we’re both working from home, so I don’t get any alone time where I can use the bathroom without worrying about ghastly noises or odors. I knew holding it in was dumb, but I guess I was hoping that after a few weeks I’d maybe start eliminating feces through my pores like a frog, or something?”

Adams seemed completely unaware of his girlfriend’s pain, or that women even have functioning anuses.

“Quarantine sucks, but it’s made me more aware of all of Dani’s cute little quirks — the way she’s constantly clenching her teeth and grunting in pain, how she army-crawls from the bedroom to the kitchen… and that adorable way she eats an entire block of cheese everyday,” explained Adams. “After having guy roommates for years, I knew living with a woman would be an adjustment.”

Yesterday, Pineda took the extreme step of “accidentally” slicing her hand with a butter knife as a ruse to get her severely bloated stomach treated.

“Because of Ms. Pineda’s terrible health insurance plan, unfortunately the stitches for her hand and the treatment for her constipation will cost nearly $5,000,” said ER nurse Brielle Johnston. “I asked why she would put herself through this. Her answer? She still wants her boyfriend to think of her as a ‘delicate little flower.’ At least I think that’s what she said — I couldn’t hear too well while digging a dozen pounds of dry fecal matter out of her asshole.”

Pineda is also praying she can get waxed at a salon again soon before Adams realizes her pubic hair doesn’t naturally grow in a thin, clean landing strip.

Joan Jett Changes Relationship Status with Rock ‘N’ Roll to “It’s Complicated”

Posted on by Henrik Persson

LONG BEACH, N.Y. — Veteran rocker Joan Jett is reportedly no longer in a committed, monogamous relationship with her longtime partner and genre Rock ‘N’ Roll, the music icon confirmed on Facebook.

“Me and Rock go way back, but we’ve grown apart. It’ll always have a place in my heart, but I can no longer say I love Rock ‘N’ Roll,” Jett wrote in a post shortly after changing her relationship status from “in a relationship” to “it’s complicated. “I’m so thankful for all the support and kind words you all have sent me. Our love was always tenuous — if I had a dime for every time I wanted to try pop or alternative, I’d be a very rich woman. We’re still very close, but love is a very heavy word, and I just felt like I was lying to the genre, myself, and most importantly, my fans.”

Rock ‘N’ Roll mirrored Jett’s post on its own account.

“Me and Joan will always have something special. Out of the hundreds of songs written about me, hers is by far my favorite,” the septuagenarian genre said. “I respect the hell out of her, but the feelings just aren’t there anymore. Honestly, I noticed she’d been just going through the motions when she played my song the past few years. I’m happy that our love will always be able to live on in cover songs.”

Author and relationship expert Phyllis Carlson praised Jett and Rock ‘N’ Roll for being brave enough to go their separate ways.

“It takes courage to end a relationship, but it’s hard to find yourself again when you’ve been with a person or a genre for so long. It takes a lot of time and soul-searching — it’s a grieving process,” Carlson said. “Along with couples like Keith Richards and Patti Hansen, or Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, Jett and Rock ‘N’ Roll have enjoyed one of the longest relationships in rock… a business not exactly known for life-long love.”

Jett later denied that she would re-record her classic 1981 hit as “I think fondly of rock ‘n’ roll” or “I have a soft spot for rock ‘n’ roll.”

New Texas Law Requires Each Citizen to Wear Face Mask That Is Also Fully Functioning Gun

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

AUSTIN, Texas — Gov. Greg Abbott signed a new, statewide law today that would mandate each Texan to do their part to stop the spread of COVID-19 by wearing a mask that also keeps family and loved ones safe by lethal force.

“Texans are resilient. Texans are strong. Most importantly, though, Texans are armed at all times, and we need to let COVID-19 know that,” said Abbott from the state capitol building. “This new mask order is so we can get back to normal — we want people working again, and the sooner this virus is defeated, the sooner we can return to that Texas way of life. But also, these masks will be a deterrent to any violent criminals who think they can infringe on our liberties and freedoms as Americans.”

“The only way to stop a bad guy with a mask that is also a gun, is a good guy with a mask that is also a gun,” added Abbott.

Texans admitted they had mixed feelings about the mask requirements.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love the gun part. I’ve been wanting to strap a gun to my eyeglasses for years just so I could shoot exactly what I was looking at, but people always said I was crazy. I know having a face gun is something most Texans would support,” said Shamrock resident Tad Tribauld. “But I just think of all the dangerous elements that masks bring: I could be breathing in my own carbon monoxide; that stuff kills people. Plus, I’m known to tip my hat and smile at every pretty little lady that walks by, and if they can’t see my mouth, how are they going to know I’m wishing them a good day?”

Gun control advocates were appalled by the order.

“The last thing we need is more guns on the street… especially since this new mask order is for anyone over the age of 10. So now we’re going to have teens and tweens with loaded guns in their mouths? I don’t see who that’s helping,” said gun safety activist Sammi Pacheco. “Sure, this new law will almost definitely reduce the number of coronavirus cases, but just wait and see how many people go to the ER because someone yawned and the gun mask shot them in the leg.”

Abbott is also expected to sign an executive order to fund more PPE for hospitals, which will be spent exclusively on handguns and other self-defense weapons.

As an Optimist, I Have To Believe That the Coronavirus Has Killed at Least a Few Nazis

Posted on by James Knapp

It’s really tough to look at the state of the world today and see anything positive in it. With the COVID-19 pandemic showing no sign of stopping, it can be easy to get discouraged. But as an optimist, to me, there is one silver lining we can all look to and feel a little bit better about our world: at least a few of the people killed by COVID were fucking Nazis.

Statistically, that has to be true, right? Nearly one hundred and seventy thousand people have died in the United States alone. It’s more than likely some of them were alt-right, fascist pieces of shit. In fact, it’s probably more than likely considering that a lot of the current neo-nazis still trying to suck Hitler’s mummified gerbil cock are the same dumbfuck conspiracy theory shitheels refusing to wear masks in public. Hell, I’d be in favor of more klan rallies if it means more of those racist hate clowns end up six feet under.

I don’t mean to dance on anyone’s grave here. That would be irresponsible. I’ll get around to it once we have a vaccine.

Any loss of human life should be considered a tragedy. That said, if that tragedy befell someone who actively supports the oppression of marginalized and vulnerable communities then they probably fucking deserve it. Sorry, that was insensitive. I meant someone who supported oppression. May they rest in peace, I guess. Whatever. As long as they’re dead.

So what can we take away from all this? Well, the fact that literal Nazis still exist definitely isn’t good. Also, the fact that this global health crisis is still raging is, to put it lightly, a bit of a downer. But if you’re someone like me who always tries to look on the bright side of things, then maybe there is a little comfort to be had in the idea that, of all the pointless deaths that have been caused by this pandemic, some of them happened to people who absolutely deserved it.

I’m also willing to bet a couple of pedophiles died too. Cheers!

Idiot 6th Grader Writes “Megadeath” on Notebook

Posted on by Jimmy Adamson

WARRENVILLE, Ill. — Local sixth grader Billy Luetzen suffered a crushing embarrassment yesterday after writing “Megadeath” instead of “Megadeth” on his math notebook, sources close to the stupid dumb shit reported.

“I’m ashamed of myself,” remarked the 11-year-old, in between smacking himself in the face repeatedly. “I should’ve just Googled it before mindlessly scribbling on my notebook during Mrs. Van’s lecture on fractions. I guess that’s what I get for getting into music for the first time in my life. I’ll never be able to show my face at school again.”

Local metal fan Mike “Flesh Ripper” Vallero didn’t hold back about the flub.

“You always gotta be on the lookout for this kind of asshole shit,” the 30-year-old grocery bagger told us while on his smoke break at a local Family Foods. “I knew this kid was a total fake right when I saw his notebook: not only was Megadeth spelled wrong, but he also wrote ‘Deaf Leopard,’ ‘Limp Biscuit,’ ‘Corn,’ and ‘Motley Crew.’ Everyone knows it’s spelled C-R-U-E, with those dumb little dots above the ‘u.’ And even though he did spell Led Zeppelin right, I still issued his ass a poseur citation.”

“Yeah, I carry around these little poseur citation tickets to the junior high schools and I give ‘em out to all the poseurs I encounter,” he added. “It’s kinda my form of social activism.”

Math teacher Mrs. Van was a little concerned about Luetzen’s error, but unsurprised.

“I’ve seen this every single year since Megadeth gained mainstream success with ‘Peace Sells…but Who’s Buying?’” the teacher explained, while frantically scribbling word problems on the chalkboard. “Some poor kid trying to be hip writes ‘Megadeath,’ thinking only a complete idiot would spell ‘death’ without an ‘a’. But guess who’s a complete idiot, after all? It’s Billy. And quite frankly, it’s fucking pathetic.”

Luetzen is reportedly contemplating getting into hip hop, hoping that maybe rappers would spell their names correctly.

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