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Uh Oh! I Butt Dialed Conor Oberst and Now It’s the First Track on His New Album

Life sure is a trip. One minute you’re trying to drive and eat a comically oversized pretzel at the same time and the next minute your phone is accidentally dialing the personal number of Rolling Stone magazine’s Songwriter of the Year 2008 Conor Oberst. And the NEXT next minute a 90-second recording of yourself screaming at traffic and eating a pretzel is being reviewed by Pitchfork as a “masterpiece in American earnestness.”

This is not good for my image.

I swear, most of the time when I’m belligerently yelling, I don’t accidentally call Conor Oberst and complain about pretzel oil all over my hands. Most of the time I don’t even HAVE pretzel oil on my hands. But when I butt-dialed his number I went straight to voicemail and left a message that Conor used without my permission!

You think pretzel-rants are free!?! Where’s the money, Conor? At least for you to pay for the damage I did to my front end while trying to eat and drive.

And the critics love it! They’re eating it up (like me and that pretzel)! Now millions of adoring fans of the Bright Eyes pretty boy think that I’m making some kind of insightful statement when I shout at the car in front of me for making me spill my mustard. I know the way I stammered “I can’t let go of this thing and it’s ruined my life” sounds introspective, but I am saying it because my hand is literally stuck inside of one of the loops of the pretzel.

I know what you’re thinking: you’d think it’d be easier to get out with all that oil, but your hand can get wedged in all that bread real good and it WILL make you rear-end the car in front of you.

Look, this isn’t my first rodeo. One time I called Will Toledo because his number is one number different from the Pizza Hut in my city; he recorded me singing my “pizza song” (he renamed it) and included it on Twin Fantasy. Now I get a check for 80 cents every month.

Everyone accidentally calls an artistic genius sometimes. But they should have to pay you if you talk about how much you hate traffic and love pretzels for 23 minutes, even if they only use 90 seconds. That’s just the right thing to do.