LOS ANGELES — Local tattoo artist “Big” Frank Kowlaski admitted today that he was profoundly impacted by a tattoo he inked last week of a frog that represented his client’s “recently deceased sister or some shit.”
“So this normal-looking lady came in on Thursday, and I’m immediately thinking, ‘butterfly on lower back.’ But then she drops this brutal fucking story on me about how her sister died trying to save her dog from being attacked by, like, a bear or something? I don’t know… I think she said she and her sister used to listen to frogs at a lake or a river or some crap. Are there frogs in a zoo? Maybe it was a zoo,” said a visibly moved Kowalski. “You know, I have a sister too, and we never heard any frogs or any of that bullshit. We haven’t talked in like, 20 years, and last I heard she was in jail. So that’s kind of like, dead.”
Customer Hannah Becker was surprised by Kowalski’s intensely emotional response.
“When you see a tough-looking guy like Big Frank, you don’t expect him to be so caring. But telling him about my sister Sarah and the frogs, he just stared at me without saying a word — in fact, he didn’t say a word pretty much the entire hour-and-a-half tattoo. My story was so touching, this big man was completely speechless,” said Becker. “Oh, and while we’re on the subject, this was my first tattoo. Is it normal for an artist to take a half-hour smoke break with his friends and then charge me a full two hours?”
While tribute tattoos have risen in popularity, many experts warn this trend isn’t without consequences.
“Since all those bullshit tattoo shows were on the air, everyone needs a tribute tattoo to a dead relative, or a pet, or even a job they really liked. I’m not sure these people realize the old guard of tattoo artists were bikers, and I’m sorry, but I’m not trusting my dead grandmother’s portrait to a guy who also sells crank to pay the bills,” said Tattoo Workers United President Dan Romanov. “And the new guard, the real artist types… they didn’t sign up to listen to these terrible stories every day. We’re giving these poor people PTSD. Come in, get a sun or a badass skull in flames, pay, and leave. Have some humanity!”
Kowalski was unavailable for further comment, as he was being forced to listen to why a particular bible verse was so meaningful to his next customer.