SAN DIEGO — Impoverished punk Greg “Spike” Templeton couldn’t be happier that his favorite band was not touring anywhere near him this summer, relieved sources confirmed.
“You know that old trope with the landlord that’s like ‘you must pay the rent!’ and the distraught tenant on their knees that’s all ‘but I cannot pay the rent!’ begging for mercy? That’s me and NOFX every year,” said Templeton while paying his third overdraft fee this month. “It’s also me and my literal landlord every month, but that’s unrelated. It’s like taking blood from a stone, man. I can’t keep using all my hard-earned money to see these artists who have changed my life and shaped who I am as a person. I need that money for drugs.”
Ticketmaster representative Charles Stein revealed plans to get revenue from poor people one way or another.
“We’re in the process of strategically redistricting every major touring act into a route from which escape is impossible,” said Stein before cackling uninterrupted for 30 consecutive seconds. “We will take your money from you one way or another. We’ve found the golden number, by early next year no show will be more than 22.6 minutes from any town in the United States. Just enough for any customer to cave…and then BOOM we get ‘em with the redistricting fee. It’s almost too easy.”
Ticket scalpers weren’t quite helping the situation either.
“Some of these suckers are strong. They have the willpower to resist the initial wave of mainstream ticket disbursement. Mostly because they have no money,” said longtime scalper Wes Frederickson. “They think they’ve won but they don’t realize they’ve been left weak…vulnerable. They always change their mind last minute on a show and want to drive eight hours to see their favorite band play in a shithole. That’s when I come in for the kill and get them with the aftermarket, all while jacking up the price 200% because it’s sold out and I bought half of the available tickets when they were announced. Nothing better than making a profit on other peoples’ creative work.”
As a result of their show hiatus, Templeton has announced that the money saved will be just enough to purchase all the box-set rereleases of all the bands that have retired from touring.