Press "Enter" to skip to content

Facebook Post Has Awfully Long Caption for Pet Who Isn’t Even Dead

LOS ANGELES –– Local man Eric Daniels’ social media post featuring his dog had an awfully long caption for a pet who isn’t even dead yet, annoyed sources confirmed Monday.

“There was this photo of the dog and Daniels smiling at the beach, and then this long-ass post about how special Johnny is and how he’s the best boy that ever was, so I braced myself for some sad shit — I thought maybe the dog got hit by a car, or got cancer, or maybe it ate an entire onion and his stomach exploded,” said former Facebook friend Cale Heller. “Come to find out, the dog is still alive? Nope, not today. If I read some fucking novel and click the ‘See More’ button on Facebook, I better be reading some sad story about how you’re really gonna miss that little fucker. I got taken for a ride. It wasn’t even the dog’s birthday. Fucking garbage.”

Daniels claimed that his caption and photo of the cocker spaniel were posted without any hidden agenda.

“There’s so much horrible stuff going on in the world these days, so I decided to share a wholesome story about my rescue dog helping me out of a dark place,” said a bewildered Daniels. “I figured I’d get some likes and hearts; maybe some people agreeing that Johnny is a good boy… but I must say, I wasn’t prepared for the backlash about how I’d deceived people and tricked them into caring about my dog. It’s not my fault my dog looks incredible in black and white photos, O.K.?”

Social media experts suggest avoiding this uncomfortable situation by prefacing all pet-related content with a short statement assuring followers that the animal is indeed still alive.

“With more people working from home these days, we’re definitely seeing an increase of Facebook and Instagram stories giving props to the fur babies who have helped them survive this difficult time,” said Facebook moderator Liz Kleinman. “But it’s important to remember that a beautiful photo of a dog accompanied by some long-winded post can easily be interpreted as a heart-wrenching screed about how you had to put your baby down, or he finally ate his last piece of rawhide. The point is, we’re all very vulnerable right now, so it’s crucial that any pictures of pets uploaded to social media make it abundantly clear that the animal is perfectly fine — even if you have to lie.”

Kleinman also added that if you’re asking for money to help with vet bills, you should be upfront about it and always include your OnlyFans link.