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New California Energy Tax Makes You Pay 10 Cents to Open a New Browser Tab

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — A new tax goes into effect for California residents this week that will cost them 10 cents to launch browser tabs on their devices. The eco-friendly measure is aimed at cutting down waste and promoting healthy, sustainable browsing habits among internet users. 

Many local residents are less than thrilled with the new restrictions.

“I got our family’s bill this month — $84, just on browser tabs!” said Los Angeles resident Emily Bloba. “I’ve had to remove the ‘control’ key and right mouse button from every computer in the house.” 

“Now, I care about the environment,” explained construction worker Paul Bigsby. “But you’d think the energy cost of all this paper is way higher than whatever a browser tab costs. I’ve already got eight pages of handwritten links to GDQ speedruns I’m definitely going to go back and give my full attention to. Like what am I supposed to do, just forget about them completely?”

Despite the public outcry, lawmakers are urging Californians to “reduce, reuse, and recycle” browser tabs rather than consuming them without thought.

 

“If you think about it, the ecological cost of millions of Californians sending electrical signals from their devices to open up new tabs on a daily basis is astronomical,” energy czar Ana Matosantos explained in a press conference. “It’s extremely wasteful and wholly unnecessary. Just use the tabs you already have open!”

Environmental scientist Brock Stevens echoed Matosantos’ statements.

“For every 15 tabs opened in Chrome, one vital, oxygen-producing plant dies. Soon, the Earth will be drowning and everyone will be screaming, ‘Why! Why couldn’t I just use the same tab for Twitter? Why did I need 5 separate tabs of Twitter running at the same time? Oh god, the acid rains are burning out my eye sockets!’ And all I’ll be able to say is, ‘I told you so.’”

Officials are also reportedly considering policies to discourage gamers from having a mobile game open while running different games on their console and PC at the same time.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

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