NEW YORK — Nine-year-old Oliver Cahill, who has battled rare brain cancer for over half his life, recently met Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson thanks to the Make-a-Wish Foundation, confirmed multiple sources who wish the subject of a creator never came up.
“I was telling Oliver all about the Big Bang and the evolution of life and he asked me how God plays into all of this,” recounted Dr. Tyson. “I laughed at first because that is one of the dumbest questions a kid has ever asked me. We confront paradoxes that have puzzled humanity for millennia. One such involves reconciling the concept of an all-powerful and benevolent deity with the existence of suffering. I said ‘Oliver, if God exists why are you in pain all the time? This must be a punishment, and you must have done something really bad.’ It was around that time his father looked like he was about to punch me, but cooler heads prevailed.”
“I mean come on, either God doesn’t care, or can’t do much. I mean Oliver had NO empirical evidence to prove God is real,” Tyson added.
Oliver’s father, Roger Cahill, was horrified by the experience.
“He called my son a ‘Philistine.’ And then I swear he mumbled something about how it’s ‘Always the dumb ones.’ Then peppered Oliver with this Christopher Hitchens shit, and made him watch 90-minutes of Stephen Hawking videos,” said Cahill. “Even the nurses tried to pull him away because Oliver is prone to migraines. It took us like two hours to get him out of the room. He did autograph a Blu-Ray copy of ‘Cosmos’ though, maybe I’ll be able to sell that for a few bucks in four months.”
This is not the first controversy for Make-A-Wish who remain defiant in the face of widespread criticism.
“At Make-A-Wish, we celebrate diverse interests and strive to fulfill the unique wishes of every child. We’ve broadened our horizons by inviting guests like Werner Herzog, Noam Chomsky, and Bill Maher, offering experiences that inspire wish recipients to engage with the world as it is,” said an official spokesperson. “While our guests may not be perfect, we believe they contribute valuable perspectives. Admittedly, Werner’s presentation included some challenging audio clips from ‘Grizzly Man,’ and Bill’s discussion veered off-topic towards Islamophobia but despite these hiccups, we remain committed to providing enriching experiences for the children we serve.”
Dr. Tyson, meanwhile, remains proud of the experience and hopes for more in the future. “Honestly, I thought it went great. It was just another win for science,” he chuckled.