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How to Stop Drinking Every Night For Fun and Start Drinking Every Night To Numb Your Anxieties

There comes a point, typically in one’s late-twenties or early-thirties, when going out to bars every night and getting hammered just isn’t fun anymore. The crowds, the loud music, and the high bar tabs just don’t thrill you as they did just a few years earlier. Now it is time to slow down and take life more seriously and start drinking to quell the existential dread that weighs you down.

Here are 5 tips to help you stop partying every night and start dying like an adult.

1. Find A Dive Bar
Your forays into the nightlife are no longer to live life to the fullest, they are to escape the walls of your apartment that seem to be closing in on you. You don’t want a bar full of college kids excited about everything life has to offer. You need a dark place where no one dare speak and everyone stares mindlessly at the single TV and you can get a shot and a beer for $2.

2. Drink Alone
Or better yet, why even go out and overpay for alcohol when you can just drink all by yourself in the dark until you are too drunk to even flip your Stone Roses vinyl over to Side B and you just listen to the dull click of the record needle until you pass out.

3. Free Booze Is The Best Booze
Why bother to show restraint at weddings, birthdays, happy hours for company’s you don’t work for. These people don’t deserve to be happy, so you should definitely make a scene. If they didn’t want you to start a fight with your cousin they wouldn’t have made it an open bar.

4. You Can’t Smell Bourbon In Coffee
Your boss doesn’t even come by your desk anymore, so why not put a little pick-me-up in your mourning cup? Or better yet, take a flask into the handicap stall of the bathroom for a little liquid lunch. Do you even care if they find out and fire you? No. You really don’t.

5. Claim You Are Doing Research To Open A Distillery
“What with all the empty whiskey bottles all over your house? Oh, you are going to open your own distillery? That’s amazing, good for you!” No one will dare call you on your drinking problem if they think you are following your dream. Just mumble some bullshit about the difference between Rye and Bourbon, no one actually knows.