Press "Enter" to skip to content

Aging Rob Halford Hell Bent for Sweatpants

PARADISE VALLEY, Ariz. — A seasoned and fatigued Rob Halford admitted today that after nearly five decades of donning inflexible studded leather outfits, he is now “hell bent” for some stretchy, cotton sweatpants.

“It’s not that I don’t love my dear, leather wardrobe I’ve worn all of these years with Priest,” a particularly bloated Halford said. “It’s just difficult to put these constrictive leather trousers on and still be expected to breathe, let alone run around a stage and belt out some high notes. I realize all of my wonderful fans expect me to be the guy from their concert posters at all times, but I’m just asking for a bit of bloody empathy here.”

Oliver Chapman, webmaster of the premier Judas Priest fan site, could not hold back his foaming dissatisfaction.

“The true fans of Judas Priest — myself and my internet friend, Colin — are highly disappointed in Rob’s decision to go full couch potato while lounging privately in his house,” decreed the Judas Priest nerd. “All we ask, as loyal fans, is that he wear spiked studded leather at all times… even while sleeping in what I can only assume is a black coffin with Harley Davidson exhaust pipes on the side.”

Famed Judas Priest lead guitarist Glenn Tipton tried to empathize.

“Look, Rob has been my mate and all for the past 40-plus years, so I can tell you that sometimes he takes things a little too seriously. I mean, that’s part of why I love the bloke — he really dives into his work,” admitted Tipton. “It’s a big reason why Priest survived all of these years; the man deserves some comfort. There was a five year stretch where he wore leather socks, and they smelled like death warmed over. I really don’t think the fans are going to be taking the piss if they see him at the grocer’s in a pair of joggers.”

Following a deluge of encouraging words from fans and friends, Halford was seen gleefully perusing the adult onesie and pajama/romper aisles at a local Target.