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Report: Biden’s COVID-19 Test Results Just Say “Dead”

WILMINGTON, Del. — Democratic Presidential frontrunner Joe Biden and his staffers were surprised by the results of a recent COVID-19 test that found that he was already dead, Biden’s campaign confirmed.

“Obviously, this is a very disappointing result. This test is 99.99% accurate and it clearly shows that Joe is dead, but we will continue to move forward towards the presidency regardless,” said Biden’s campaign manager Jen O’Malley Dillon. “We need a president who can unite this country right now, and alive or dead, Joe Biden is the man to do it. The campaign is as strong as ever right now — the American people have already shown they support his policy positions despite the fact they will do next to nothing for the common man, and they already seemed to disregard his obviously declining mental faculties. So death is not an obstacle for us at all.”

Recent polls indicate that the former Vice President saw a bump in popularity following the diagnosis.

“Some of my favorite people are dead — my mother, my father, and my childhood dog Rufus are all dead, and it just makes me like Joe Biden even more,” said Audie Lazaar, a registered Democrat. “Bernie Sanders was a bit too over the top for me — he’s so animated and yelling all the time; it makes me want to shut down. I’m glad he dropped out, because that is not how we beat Trump in November: we need a guy who can just sit there and take all the insults Trump hurls at them, and then just confuse everyone by attempting to mumble a retort. There’s no better candidate for that than a guy who is already dead.”

Biden himself spoke out to reassure voters that he “feels great” despite being dead.

“Listen here, Jack: death is not a concern of mine. I will continue my march towards the White House no matter what. If we need to have people work my arms like an elaborate marionette, then so be it,” said Biden’s stiff, pale-grey corpse. “My main concern is not the fact that my heart is no longer beating and that my decaying body will soon be nothing more than slime-covered bones — it’s fighting for the little guy. That’s a promise.”

Biden then added that if he ever crosses over into the afterlife, he will challenge Adolf Hitler to a fist fight.