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REPORT: Guy You Hated Telling Everyone You Were Best Friends Now That You’re Dead

SANTE FE, N.M. — A coworker you loathed with every fiber of your being strutted around your funeral yesterday telling everyone you were “the greatest of friends,” frustrated incorporeal sources confirmed.

“That raggedy bitch. I swear, I came this close to possessing a motherfucker when I saw him wailing and crying at my casket and then reading that shitty-ass poem he wrote,” you said from an astral plane outside time and space. “Now, I’m sure a lot of you must be thinking: as a spirit beyond the veil of death, why would I concern myself with such trivial human matters? But the thing is, this guy is so annoying. You couldn’t walk by his desk without having to make small talk. And the way he chewed gum? Fuck this guy across every dimension.”

Alleged best friend Jeff Dunt took a break from hugging dozens of your weepy-eyed relatives to explain how you and he “enriched each other’s lives.”

“You’d think working in a call center next to someone for six months wouldn’t be enough to form a lifelong friendship, but we just had a real connection, you know?” said Dunt. “Like our inside joke, where I’d say, ‘Hot enough for ya?’ and then they’d make this face like they wanted to slit my throat. I’ll miss you, buddy. When I get to the other side, I hope we can finally get that drink together — you were always so busy when you were alive getting haircuts, visiting your grandmother in jail, or whatever else seemed to come up.”

Toward the end of your funeral, your sister noted a “disastrous experience” in which she tried to contact you beyond the grave.

“I thought a seance was silly, but when the lights flickered and the table started to levitate, we were shocked to see your translucent image materialize… but even more shocked you insisted over and over again you and Jeff aren’t best friends,” your sister explained. “I thought about getting my Ouija board, but at this point, I don’t think it’s worth digging it out of the attic.”

Sadly, Dunt misinterpreted your efforts last night to “scare the piss out of him” as a sign that you two truly were platonic soulmates.