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Where Are They Now: The Huge Spider I Just Saw in My Shower

The shower is one of the last refuges in modern society. Only within that 2×4 foot space can you shut out the worries of the world, rejuvenate yourself, and win 100% of imaginary arguments.

So I’m sure you could imagine the surprise on my face when just a few minutes ago, washing the soap out of my eyes when I witnessed a massive wolf spider crawling up the shower curtain, barely eight inches away from me.

And yet here I am now, half-naked with a spatula in hand and the spider nowhere to be found. I mean this dude has vanished. It was literally motionless in the shower like two seconds ago. How can something the size of an iPod just disappear into thin air?

Maybe it left through the air vent! Yes, of course, spiders prefer the dark, damp innards of a 100-year-old brownstone than the confines of the one place where my genitals are most vulnerable.

It probably went down the drain, of course! It’s the closest point of entry, and probably where it – JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THERE IT IS – that’s just my loofa. Word of advice: don’t buy a brown loofah, and don’t turn your back on eight legs of nightmare fuel even for a second. But you can’t dwell on what’s already happened. You can only keep looking and hope to get the jump on it.

Maybe it crawled behind the toilet? No, in the toilet. Oh, my dear spider, you may be the master of hunting bugs and given your size, maybe small rodents, but you cannot outwit the likes of me! I’m a grown man who makes $32,000 a year!

If you’re like me and have clearly underestimated this thing, you may want to grab a larger killing apparatus like a hammer or a gun. I mean it has four times as many eyes, it can probably see me coming from angles I can’t even perceive.

Why would God give such a thing amazing peripheral vision?

Eventually, you just have to take a deep breath and remember that not only are you much larger than a spider, but it’s probably more afraid of you. It’s probably cowering in fear at this very moment, the big idiot!

Yes, I must have scared him off. That spider knew when it was beaten. Just to be safe, let me anxiously check my back ever 40 seconds for the rest of my life.