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Progressive Government of Flavortown Providing Universal Basic Chili Con Carne

FLAVORTOWN, Calif. — A quality-of-life ordinance passed by Flavortown’s town council this week will guarantee residents monthly universal chili con carne payments beginning as soon as September.

“This legislation is the real deal — put it on a bun and call your momma, muchacho!” exclaimed triumphant Town Manager Guy Fieri, gesturing to an imaginary camera crew. “For too long the gangsters of Flavortown have struggled to keep Old Bay and bologna in their kitchen. How can we expect our community to prosper if everyone can’t enjoy a righteous pot of flavor and a cerveza every now and then? We have to make our triple D’s work for everyone.”

“And this is just the beginning,” added Fieri. “By next year, we expect payments of habanero breakfast sausages, along with tuna melts that will make you dance the meringue.”

The town council’s decision is a reversal of previous regulations, designating all greasy benefits to be paid by third-party vendors.

“Today’s decision is the beginning of a more prosperous age for the brochachos and brochachas of Flavortown,” said newly elected town councilman and Director of Poblano Works, Ian Nichols. “In addition to monthly pots of slammin’ stew garnished with pulled pork-stuffed jalapeno poppers, the Flavortown council will also be servin’ up low-interest rates for residents buying their first flame shirt; no-questions-asked facilities offering sterile, unused visors; and after-school programs to teach kids how to rub and smoke a dynamite hunk of brisket.”

With Flavortown gaining national attention as “a pierogi of equity served with rockin’ horseradish sour cream,” residents have become wary of other towns co-opting the moniker for themselves.

“It would be hella confusing if some sweaty, midwestern cornfield also called themselves Flavortown,” lamented Collette Shriver, the head chef at Hot Rod’s Dogs, a local rockabilly delicatessen. “Guaranteed, those people don’t know how to use a guajillo — they probably don’t even have a PacSun to buy chain bracelets or Dickies from, either. Those are as Flavortown as frosted tips.”

Despite Flavortown’s progressive economic policies, the town council has yet to remove the problematic statue of former councilwoman Rachael Ray sexually harassing every single firefighter during a 2005 State of the City speech.