LOS ANGELES — Clothing brand JNCO released a line of protective face masks yesterday that effectively cover the wearer’s entire body, matching the label’s trademark loose and baggy fit for pants.
“I’ve tried to stay home for the entire pandemic to be safe, but when I heard JNCO made face masks, I ran to Hot Topic as soon as humanly possible,” stated Jason Hadrick, an avid JNCO patron since the ’90s. “They’re awesome: super heavy denim, and so loose you can almost use them as an umbrella. I can’t wait for a second wave of Corona, where we go back to phase one of reopening so I can show off all my sick masks. My mom is even ironing a psychedelic mushroom patch onto one.”
A JNCO spokesperson expressed excitement about the new specialty line.
“If we’re gonna bring back JNCO in a really huge way, we need to be the first ones to jump on face mask fashion. We’re bringing our signature style to your mouth and nose, and because it’s JNCO, your entire torso, legs, and feet as well,” representative Andrew Jacovou said. “These things are so loose, you could fit a whole other person underneath them. We kicked around those pre-ripped jean styles too, but apparently the market research came back negative, so it’s a pass… for now.”
Meanwhile, Dr. Laura Hersch of the CDC confirmed that while the JNCO face masks are not medical grade, their aesthetic design makes them surprisingly protective.
“The material is not ideal — some droplets can still get through — but because the masks are so ridiculous looking, most people will stand only close enough to film the person wearing them for a few seconds, which is far more effective in protecting them from droplets and aerosols,” Hersch said. “And when JNCO includes a pair of rollerblades with the mask, it will only make them that much more effective at encouraging people to keep at least 25 feet of distance, if not more.”
In related news, Old Navy is introducing cargo-style face masks this week, which give the wearer a few extra pockets and are marketed as “both stylish and practical.”