WICHITA, Kan. — Parents Tina and Dale Jeffries breathed a huge sigh of relief this week as their 16-year-old son Kyson’s militant fascism is finally taking on an easier-to-swallow form of white nationalism.
“Kyson is such a sweet boy. I’m thrilled he’s finally over that ugly skinhead phase,” said Mrs. Jeffries while she debated calling the cops on black neighbors nearby celebrating a birthday. “No more ‘n-word’ this and ‘Sieg Heil’ that — I mean, we have Jewish friends, for goodness sakes. He’s wearing much nicer clothes, and now spends most of his time educating himself on YouTube about how immigrants are destroying the American dream. I’m proud he’s finally ditched his hateful ways to learn about his heritage.”
Previously, Kyson has been suspended multiple times from his high school for wearing “white power” T-shirts and brandishing swastika-emblazoned paraphernalia, according to his guidance counselor Rudy Markowitz.
“Kyson is a little fucking Nazi dipshit, if you’ll pardon my French,” said Markowitz. “His parents think he’s reformed because he grew his hair out and started wearing pressed khakis, but he still believes all the red-pill fascist garbage he reads online. Now that he’s preppy and polite, everything’s fine as far as Tina and Dale are concerned.”
“God, I fucking hate this fucking job,” Markowitz added. “These are the types of kids you just pray end up dying in some sort of swimming pool accident before they hurt someone.”
Kyson now spends his free time as an administrator on the “Proud Defendors [sic] Of Western Civilisation [sic]” private Facebook group.
“The army boots, the shaved head, the SS gear… that’s kid stuff. I’m a very different person now,” said Kyson. “If we’re going to secure a future for our people, we have to be able to communicate our message to the normies — I mean, ordinary working Americans who believe in God, family, and country, and who support our president. Hitler had some good ideas, but he got a bit lost along the way.”
“I believe all people are equally entitled to a proud racial identity: black, white, brown, yellow, green, even purple!” Kyson added. “And I admire many aspects of the modern Jewish state of Israel. So I’m not anti-Semitic.”
At press time, Kyson’s father Dale Jeffries was at a local shooting range and unavailable for comment.