The year is 1974. Your band Van Halen is starting to get a little bit of buzz around Pasadena and the surrounding areas of Los Angeles (you will be huge in Glendale). Of course, you want to start looking more professional so it’s about time you go take some band photos. But how do you do it? Here is everything you need to do to be in a Van Halen photoshoot circa 1974.
1. Have at Least One Member of the Band Ready To Receive the Heimlich
Preferably the beautiful guy up front — he’s the one who’s been eating all the brown M&Ms, and you know he’s not taking the time to chew them properly.
2. Go 100% On Hair, 0% On Makeup
Let the acne fucking fly — who cares? It’s 1974. Skincare won’t be invented for another 20 years. Hell, sunscreen with an SPF higher than 2 wasn’t invented until 1986. Skin means nothing. HAIR, baby.
3. Never Let Anybody See the Tip of Michael Anthony’s Left Elbow
Keep that shit out of the frame. Worst elbow in rock. Rumor has it, his elbow was so reviled that the entire band was forbidden from entering Germany unless he removed his arm at the shoulder. Worst sneakers, too — but that’s a story for a different day. Don’t bring it up again.
4. Counteract Impending Baldness With an Abundance of Hair Elsewhere
And by elsewhere, sweetie, we mean anywhere: sideburns, armpits, chest, back, knuckles, a little tuft coming through the crotch. Play it off as a mistake, but let it be known: “Hair” is not a problem in this band.
5. Alex Stands In Back.
If you don’t have Alex stand in the back it messes everything up. Drummers are never meant to be up front. If you see any of Alex’s lower half it will be a disaster. Put him in the back where he can loom over the others. Loom!
Conclusion: Beautiful, guys. No psychos in this photo. Prepare yourselves for a long and fruitful career with absolutely no turmoil.