BOSTON — Local 34-year-old Dan Stanton emerged from a 48-hour alcohol bender with 23 new streaming subscriptions, sources confirmed.
“I used to wake up from benders the old-fashioned way: with chlamydia,” stated Stanton, still sweating vodka from every pore. “I’d party at nightclubs, snort coke off urinals, and wake up in an alley in a pool of my own barf with my wallet gone. Ah, those halcyon days of yore. I’ve gotten so square in my 30s. Now I just stay home with a half-gallon of Popov and stream old sitcoms. But every damn show I wanna watch is on a different streaming service, most of which I’ve never heard of and completely forget about by morning. It’s kinda like waking up with my wallet gone, except then it keeps getting stolen once a month for the rest of my life. By the way, it is way too bright in here. And would you pass me that Pedialyte?”
Local bar owner Tina Michaelson reports that her clientele has declined significantly with the rise of binge-watching.
“People say they drink at home to save money, but then they end up buying all these damn subscriptions, completely defeating the purpose,” stated Michaelson. “Come to my bar instead, you antisocial pricks! Get out of your house, make a friend, blow a stranger in the bathroom. I promise it’ll be more entertaining than your 37th re-watch of ‘Gilmore Girls.’”
Nolan Gibbons, CEO of obscure streaming service SkeevTV, explained that cases such as Stanton’s are vital to his business model.
“Oh yeah, 87% of new subscriptions are a direct result of alcoholic amnesia,” said Gibbons. “Sales decline during Dry January but remain pretty steady the rest of the year, peaking in November and December when people have to deal with their families. We’re a small company, so we can’t afford huge marketing campaigns. We have to target ads on sites we know drunk people are already going to: food delivery apps, eBay, crisis hotlines… We even started posting up outside AA meetings with free bottles of bottom-shelf liquor stamped with a QR code to our site. Business school 101, my friend: location, location, location.”
At press time, Stanton was curled up in a vomit-encrusted blanket, still trying to find a service that has all 11 seasons of “Happy Days.”
