Press "Enter" to skip to content

Woody Guthrie’s Guitar Arrested for Terrorist Sympathy

TULSA, Okla. — Following President Trump’s categorization of “antifa” as a terrorist group, the Woody Guthrie Memorial Center was raided today by federal agents, taking Guthrie’s famous “This Machine Kills Fascists” guitar into custody.

“This was unwarranted on so many levels. Sure, the guitar always talked a big game, but it wasn’t posing a threat to anyone,” said museum director Terence Mejia. “What happened to the First Amendment? That guitar was only trying to express itself in the best way it knew how. Those jack-booted government cowards came in here in the middle of the night and dragged the guitar out of here by the neck, and now it’s probably out of tune. I hope this doesn’t discourage people from calling the Trump administration out on their bullshit.”

An FBI spokesperson said the Bureau does not comment on ongoing investigations, but the department takes threats of terrorist activity seriously.

“Ever since 9/11, we can’t be too careful when it comes to threats foreign or domestic,” the representative said. “This guitar claims to kill fascists, and that clearly means it plans on killing President Trump. The guitar’s message was received loud and clear. For now it has been neutralized at one of our many black sites, and will be released once we feel the country is back to the status quo.”

In the days following the terrorist designation for “antifa,” the FBI and other federal law enforcement agencies arrested at least 1,000 objects espousing anti-fascist sentiments.

“Bathroom stalls in dive bars, brick walls near train tracks, and countless middle school students’ binders are all under interrogation by law enforcement officials,” said Columbia law professor A.J. McLean. “President Trump is subverting the rule of law to hold up the appearance that he is an iron-fisted ruler, when in reality, his hands are too tiny and delicate to ever be compared to iron.”

Leaked reports show President Trump also ordered the exhumation of Guthrie’s body, with a stake driven through his heart “just in case.”