COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local depressed woman Jane Lively mindlessly broke the hot dog-eating world record yesterday after consuming 76 weiners in her darkened, unkempt living room, concerned but impressed sources confirmed.
“Last week I didn’t feel like doing meal planning, so instead I just nabbed a palette of hot dogs from Costco,” said Lively. “I barely remember it, really — I threw a shit-ton of dogs into a boiling pot and put on a Frightened Rabbit record. Less than an hour later, I’ve got an empty tray in front of me, right before I locked into ‘Unsolved Mysteries’ reruns with the sound off. Most days I feel like I barely exist, so the last thing I’d expected was to ever break a world record.”
Former Guinness World Records representative Thomas Sandoval verified Lively’s record-breaking depression binge using footage sent by her roommate, Cassie Degas, who started filming “somewhere around number 12 or 13.”
“I’ll be honest, it took me a while to realize I was watching Ms. Lively and not a found-footage horror film [Degas] sent me by mistake. I’ve never seen such a joyless and disturbing world record attempt in my life,” said Sandoval. “She’s obviously not a trained competitive eater, but she was still dipping the buns in water and eating three dogs at a time. I couldn’t even finish all the footage — instead, I just gave her the record and then immediately quit my job. I’ll also never eat another hot dog so long as I live.”
Former world record holder Joey Chestnut was outraged by Lively’s use of “performance enhancing debilitating illnesses.”
“It’s bullshit, if you ask me. I’ve trained for years to become the best at gorging and debasing my body with encased meat, only to be upstaged by this woman and her chemical imbalance,” said Chestnut. “Call me an ableist, but there needs to be a separate league for depressed people… or at least, put an asterisk next to her name until she starts taking SSRIs.”
Lively’s friends and family are pushing for her to seek professional help, but only after competing in the official Nathan’s hot dog-eating contest later this year.