I have been utterly fantastic lately: my thoughts are rapid, my emotions are shifting back and forth at breakneck speeds and I feel all of them, and my nights are unencumbered by sleep. And while I’m undeniably doing awesome, some of my judgier loved ones have gone so far as to suggest I’m having a manic episode. But I know what’s really going on here. I have been made a prophet by the Lord our God. And I have written some new books of the Bible that I’m sure old Popey McPopeface would love if the Swiss guard would let me talk to him.
Now let me be clear: I have not written any new chapters in the life of Jesus. Like Paul before me, my contributions to The Book will be in the form of letters that I have written to various entities. Like The Book of Sean, about my neighbor who doesn’t sort his trash and recycling well enough. I wrote Sean a seven-page letter promising that he’s going to be struck by lightning if he keeps it up.
Or my letter to the Target on Hadencrest Road. The Book of Target details exactly why I feel that their return policy is unjust and cruel and the eight pages of suggestions for new corporate policy that I have written that I’m sure they will find very useful when it comes to how an employee defines “soiled” when someone wants their cash back.
I have also written a new Book of Revelation. This I have done over the past three nights at two in the morning, while my wife lies sleepless in our bedroom. In Revelation Part II: Electric Boogaloo I announce that the Lord revealed to me that the world will be destroyed in six weeks… when the ants come.
Now, I’d love to share this all with you, but in my compulsive quest for self-improvement and efficiency, I appear to have written the whole thing not in human language, but in a new dog language called Nik-Nak. The language of the hounds! I have been practicing on my neighbor Alice’s chihuahua and we have been able to hold a seven-minute-long conversation before Alice put a stop to it and tried to have me committed. But fear not. I will be releasing the updated Holy Book for all of you to read, as soon as I finish my Human to Dog dictionary so you all can read it.